Preach (Week 2)

I don't think y'all are understanding what you're about to witness this season. I'm being humble about it though, but Da GAWD is putting together a performance and you're all a witness. Your feeble attempts at second place are just the subplot of my magnificent season. But since you all lack the 4th dimensional vision I have, I'll recap Week 2 from the 3rd dimensional perspective. 

This Team is Toast 86.45 vs Wilson! 92.80

We all thought things were bad when you had to start both Steelers Rbs. But this shit is turning tragic and we ain't even hit bye weeks. Tua going down turned the cheetah into a house cat and Amari Cooper is researching rub n tugs on Craigslist to get his QB right. You know it's bad when your kicker outscored 4/5 of your first picks. To top it all off, you tricked on Colby Parkinson like TE was your biggest concern. Please stay off the drugs. 

Shorty, count your lucky stars that you played Gordon this week. Your fantasy team and Steelers seem to be kindred spirits. Can't put points on the board but coming away with an ugly win. I hate to put this plague on you, but when you start JK Dobbins next week he's gonna barely get 10 pts since you kept doubting him. Da GAWD has spoken. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 112.25 vs Django Achaned 136.10

I'm getting a lot of entertainment watching your QBs perform exactly the same. It's kinda like predestiny in that whoever you choose, it's the same outcome. The only head scratcher is believing in Courtland Sutton. The Steelers play good defense, the Broncos play bad offense and you sat TWO players that went up against two mid-terrible defenses. For your sake, I hope holding Chubb doesn't end up like that year you held Le'veon Bell. 

Guess this game was sewn up by Thursday night huh? With Tua down, it looks like Achane is the one to own in the entire offense. Then Davante Adams practiced his Michael Jackson moves on the way to securing the win all before the 4pm games started. Keep going strong this season. You'll be back in the playoffs in no time. Sidenote, I'm very happy you have Pitts. 

High School High 118.65 vs I like to Marv it Marv it 182.20

Da GAWD spent WAY too much time trying to understand this performance. So you spent almost 25% of your FAAB money on a player to BENCH HIM?? In favor of a guy that's barely an option and got 0.00 points? And now you're gonna be down Pacheco? I don't know what to make of the rest of your season, but I think it's time to talk to a fantasy financial planner and curtail this spending before your season is over by Week 4. Or maybe call JG Wentworth. You need cash now. 

Highest point total of the week after struggling last week. Da GAWD is hating because the plan was to get highest total every week.  Lucky for you, everyone on the internet made fun of the Cardinals for stupidly not getting the ball to Marvin Harrison. On top of that, you benefited from AJ Browns absence and Josh Jacobs getting a millions touches. Just gotta hope he can keep up that kinda usage before he gets a permanent Q tatted on his on leg. 

Team DQ 121.50 vs Looking at thr man in Jahmyr 125.55

Winning a chip in this league is similar to the Madden curse. You had to be prepared to understand that no matter who you drafted, misfortune was gonna follow. It's rough when you gotta start a number 15 Zeke and a Rams TE with the same name as a disease. I don't know if things get better but don't let this stop you from ignoring the chat. You're doing a great job. 

On Thursday night, I was worried about you being highest point total of the week. James Cook went crazy and it looked like you had the win in the bag. But then things got dicey by Sunday night and you were left praying for Kirk Cousins not to be Kirk Cousins in primetime. Damn shame he had to come through for you against the Eagles. But this league is what matters and you secured the win. 

Get off My Dak 141.85 vs Machine Gun Kelce 154.85

There must be something in the air whenever you play Gerald. The games are close and he has no business starting some of the players he does. Despite having Kamara go nuclear, the injuries on your team held you back. Losing Kupp and Deebo is gonna have massive effects on your squad moving forward - and that's after having Engram out. Just remember the good times of being a champ. This season ain't it. 

When you started getting excited at that Shaheed TD, I knew you were still gonna win. It's like your whole squad showed up to prove me wrong that you were gonna lose. It's a solid win to hold up without AJ Brown or Kenneth Walker. The good thing is that your bench players did good enough to start screwing up your start em sit em decisions. Just don't forget who's still ahead in the standings. 

The Syndicate 128.45 vs DA GAWD 169.90

I hate it had to be you with the first bro. I tried to preach to everyone at the draft about what was coming to CMC but it was already written in Da Good Book. I could spend time explaining what you could and couldn't do, but it didn't matter. Ultimately, you ran into Da GAWD during the blessed season. 

I know there's still non believers in this league but you'll all understand soon. When Da GAWD is talking y'all need to listen. I remember I used to fall asleep in church. My Grandma used to slap the hell out my ass. I see why though. Cause when somebody talkin' you supposed to listen to everything that they sayin'. 

Especially when a Gawd like me talkin'. 

#Amen

Does Mercedes Make a Hearse? (Week 1)

 

You know how long I been waiting for this? Whoo Imma bout to make a name for myself here.

Welcome back to the highly anticipated NFL season of 2024 and boy did we have doozy of a week 1. Now I know there's been much anticipation for recaps and ridicule for the lack of them, but this season is about to be the best. Because this one has a special surprise ending. But there's no fun in spoiling it early. We gotta let this all play out. Let's review the week as we compare what was said during the draft. 

I like to Lose it Lose it 101.10 vs The Syndicate 130.00

"Doubs is already gone?! That's crazy". 

What's really crazy is that Doubs outperformed your second overall pick this week. Sure Marv Jr can probably end the season with 3 weeks of a lights out performance but you forgot a CRUCIAL detail. His QB has more pick 6's than TD's since he signed that contract. I know you were struggling when Higgins went out and you had to start a 3rd option rookie WR tied to a QB that's more concerned with nail colors than wins. For your sake, I hope you don't stay in last for the season. 

"Why would you say CMC is gonna be hurt?"

Because I'm DA GAWD. I feel for you because you had no choice at the first pick. Solid resourceful win in crunch time when there's no backup for your first pick and its Monday Night. Relying on Lazard to get the win had to feel like a prayer. But I'm still there to answer prayers because I DRAFTED your backup. Fortunately, Njoku's injury will force you to start Likely and you'll only have to decide when you can reliably start CMC. (hint, it won't be next week either). Great Monday Night win though. Especially using Jesus' on Jet while he loses fantasy and his team loses. Cold. 

Team MIA til next September 107.95 vs Django Achaned 137.30

"I can't believe Bijan fell to me at 9"

I know you're not even reading the first one, but this is for the chat at large. DQ was simply STUNNED and excited to get Bijan only to see a lack of production week 1. Sure, he'll have some good weeks, but there's a reason DA GAWD took Saquon over him. But to follow up with Puka thinking he's going to continue the unreal run he had from last year? That's ballsy. At least your bench was ballin outta control. Congrats on the weightloss though. Looks better on you than losing. 

"Doubs Gif"

Woo that Burrow/Chase stack was looking mighty shaky on Sunday. All week refreshing player updates on any indication if Chase would play. Good thing you got this win. You deserve it for keeping DA GAWD grounded in taking Nico Collins. As you can see, you were rewarded with second highest points of the week AND A SURPRISE KYLE PITTS TD. We'll be having a rematch in the chip. I'm not choppin this time. 

Where Is Dell 117.25 vs Get off my Dak 118.15

"I'm not trading DJ Moore for Nico Collins"

I can't believe I was being that generous at that time in the draft. DJ Moore has played with worse QBs but it might take him a while to get goin. Lucky for you, I think Sun GAWD bounces next week with 110 and a TD. But at the same time, Aaron Jones won't last all season. Hope you can do enough to make the chip. You silently drafted and didn't incur my wrath. Tell Hector that Quis asked about him. 

"Ya'll wasting your time just to come in second"

That's a funny comment from someone that took Keenan Allen. I don't even think you make it to second place and it would be my pleasure to bounce you from the semi's. But I digress. Kupp was a great pick for you. You and I both know his value should have been higher so instead of letting him fall to me, you took him early and got rewarded. Don't let these 1 pt wins become regular though or you might not get the chance to lose to me in the playoffs. 

This Team is All WR no RB 121.40 vs Machine Gun Kelce 122.05

"You must know something"

You seemed to be the only one that recognized that such a crazy draft move by DA GAWD wasn't so crazy. You followed suit and Jordan Love outperformed Mahomes even though that field was built like a BBL from Irvington. It was a radical approach to change from having no WR to having no RBs, but we'll see how things shake out for you. Its probably more of the same since you literally made no trade that would've benefited you. But how about we link up like old times and I get you a deal that works real well.  I only hope that you beat Quis this year so that you can get that off your back. 

"Yo, Redd must be drafting high or drunk"

"Who da fuck is Jordan Mason!?!"

"You might as well gimme the 50 now after that draft"

I WAS BOAF. The edible hit right in the 4th round. This week you squeezed out a win but don't expect things to get better. Ridley still got Levis throwing to him. Metcalf still got Geno throwing to him. And Kelce is knee deep in reading fan mail from the Swifties. Not to mention taking Devin Singletary. As a Giants fan, I don't know how you thought Devin would be able to do what SAQUON couldn't. Just make sure you got that money for that bet by December. 

Looking at the man that let someone else draft 126.05 vs Wilson 133.50

"Wish I was at the draft to join in the shit talk"

You were missed. Mainly because we couldn't verify that it was you drafting. Everyone lauded your picks but a draft doesn't make a whole season. But it was a big improvement. If TJ Watt didn't single handedly stop the Falcons, you probably would've got the win. You lost this week but your squad is definitely formidable. Enjoy the whip. 

"That was an awful pick"

All that talk and Doubs outscored Christian Kirk. Your squad is solid, but that's no surprise right? Another year of a solid draft. Another year where we wonder how far you'll go. But this year is personal. Dont think DA GAWD forgets. That lil drunk talk with Juan gonna come back to hit hard this year. With that said, you will be plagued to have almost all of your JT TD's vultured by Anthony Richardson. The rest of your RBs will make up the slack. Congrats on the win though. 

 2 Non Players 1 Team 129.50 vs DA GAWD ALMIGHTY 171.30

"I bet Doubs won't be better than x,y, and DA GAWD DON'T CARE"

You must've had a lot of faith in your first 8 picks to take guys that won't be playing for 4-8 weeks. I gotta admit, your love for the Jets and hate for Sam Darnold runs deep enough that you took the Giants defense. The only problem is that a Defense does well when they're offense doesn't keep them out there for damn near 40 minutes a game. It's gonna be fun watching you decide between Black Josh Allen or White Anthony Richardson each week. Hopefully those PUP/NFI players come to fruition for you. 

"The sound of the universe converging on Juan's house"

Highest point total of the week. Highest during the draft. And well on my way to making Saquon Barkley the 2024 CMC. I've been waiting 4 long years for this. This is chess, not checkers. I'm going for the undefeated season. I'm going for it all. Get your squads together because this is gonna be something ya'll aint ever seen, and people won't believe it when you re-tell the stories. 

#Amen