No Mercy (Week 3)

 

It's Week 3 of the NFL season and it's been 21 days of disbeliefs. Some of you are seeing the signs but you're scared. Could this be the Da GAWD Al Gaib's undefeated season? Are his powers back? How could a week full of hurt players be his work? Let me recap how it all went down for you and how I tapped into my supreme being. 

Popgun Kelce 97.95 vs I like to Marv it Marv it 119.95

Life comes at you fast my boy. After getting the W and holding off Kamara last week, your team showed up just shy of 100 pts. You could blame  your missing stars, but DHop and Goedart were sitting right there. Why you'd have two of Will Levis WRs is beyond me, but we don't have answers for a lot of things you do. It doesn't get much better next week because you face the Supreme Being and then you got players on bye. Just remember to have your offering for Da GAWD at the end of the season. 

First off, congratulations on climbing your way out of the bottom of the league. Secondly, Da Gawd had to make a sacrifice in order to continue dominance. It's not a reflection of the grudge for not trading away Tevin Coleman or the disbelief I've witnessed for 4 years. It's just business. Be grateful that you faced Gerald, because any other matchup would've had you hanging an L. 

Wilson! 104.75 Vs Team DQ 121.90

All fun and games until you witness how disbelief results in a loss. If you just read from the good book, you could have sat Dobbins, and picked up a starter to potentially win. Yet you still followed the prophecy and had no choice. When I gave you an out to repent in the middle of the game, you doubled down on disbelief. Don't think Da Gawd forgot about your drunken blasphemy either. There's gonna be a lot of "struggle to 100" games in your future until you bend the knee. Remember, you're only a few points ahead of the guy that drafted unlimited WRs. 

It's a shame that you won't read this and understand how you could become a believer and lift this chip curse off your team. The only reason you won is because Da Gawd needed to teach your opponent a lesson. One favor though. Next week start Daniels again so I can have Purdy go off on your bench while Kittle is healthy.

This Team Is a Victim 120.55 vs Get off my Dak 152.85

Gordon, you're literally living a Trix Rabbit nightmare. This was gonna be the week that you got your first win while beating your ChatBullyGPT. But what happens as your running across the finish line? You slip on a Dallas Defense banana peel, step on a rake that makes Juan Jennings smack you in the face and fall further back to 0-3. It's like the harder you try, the worse this gets. I don't know what else I can do to help but make you take my trade offer. It's your only salvation. 

Even Da Gawd has to admit this was an impressive win. With your back against the wall with literally no other options for your players, you managed to get second highest point total of the week. In a game that should've left you for dead, you've now climbed back to the right side of .500. We all know you're a formidable opponent, but Da GAWD Al Gaib is here to wield a new trophy and steer this league into the golden age. Enjoy the ride. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 121.25 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 130.50

This game went down to the wire didn't it? While everyone at home saw a Jaguars shellacking, you and Trav were on the edge of your seats everytime the Bills were in the redzone. Lamb going MIA while Dak went off had to hurt too. The bright side is that you started the right QB and Nabers is paying off. Just a shame you had to lose LaPorta in a critical game. Keep chasing that first win. 

Another week and another win for you Trav. They can hate all they want but finding a girl that knows fantasy football to make you better is no different than finding a way to be better. Next time you win though, tell her it's rare to start two TEs when there's a lot more flex options. These ain't the Hernandez/Gronk days. Keep on winning though. 

Django Enslaved 137.15 vs The Syndicate 152.45

Looking at the projected totals, I'm wondering if you felt confident in them. With Stevenson performing as expected and Achane being a shell of himself without Tua, this is gonna be a bumpy road. At least Chase finally showed up after stressing you out to start the season. If only Pitts could've caught that TD, you might have had some more hope. 

Wasn't so bad losing to Da Gawd last week. It was a blessing in disguise. The spice melange that fell from my ethereal robes while winning last week had a residual effect of blessing your replacements towards the win. Charbonnet and Johnson turned up at the right time and kept you solid. I don't know how Likely you are to grab another TE, but it might need to happen sooner than later. 

Saved by the Dell 121.85 vs Da Gawd al Gaib 155.80

At one point during the day, you had a projected lead. Da Gawd could feel you silently holding back your shit talk hoping that you secured your victory first. But desperate times called for desperate measures. I had to sacrifice my own Devonte Smith in order to unleash Saquon and Derrick Henry. The bright side, you'll probably get a win next week. 

Da GAWD took the coal out his heart and realized it's time to embrace my destiny. I didn't mean for this season to be the one I flex on y'all. Ain't no competition cuz there's no one in my position. Gawd told me to do it, so I'm doing it. This prophecy isn't mine. Da Gawd Al Gaib is just the messenger. 

#Amen