Joel STFU (Week 3)

 

Week 3 of Fantasy Football continued the theme of injuries and disappointments. The top 5 picks of fantasy delivered the value as expected while the rest have been injured or outright busts. We even saw outcomes from trades in real time. You could say that Da GAWD himself is back at the helm of dishing out plagues like its Thanksgiving. Its been so long since these powers manifested. Yall tried to kill me on draft day but Week 3 resurrected me. Lets recap the performances and how my omnipotence was involved in every single outcome.

Red Roof Inn 109.25 vs Chasing Flowers 139.40

On Sunday, there was a clip of Drake Maye crying on the sideline. I think the coach tried to remind him that it could be worse - he could be Gordon. Da GAWD hope's there's someone in your life to talk to you like that. Upon further review of your team, the problem wasn't trading with Quis. It was believing in too many Patriots. You correctly saw Drake Maye was the problem and started Purdy. But then you brain farted and started Henderson AND Hunter Henry. At some point, you should relegate yourself to the thought you're a journeyman fantasy football backup GM. Its getting hard to beat the allegations.

First win of the season for the reigning champ. It would've been real bad if you couldn't win against Gordon but a win is a win. And that win came despite losing Ache-chan and Goedart. Da GAWD has realized that your wins in this league all started with that fateful Kelce trade in 2019. Now that I'm on the other side of a similar pre-week 1 trade, the universe is setting itself back in order. Your time is over. It was a good run. Take the wins and let me beat up on Eddie in the semi's now. 

My Njigba Hurts 118.95 vs Team DQ 169.00

After running hot with as many TEs as RBs on your roster, you were sent back to reality. JSN won't be able to keep this entire team afloat week after week. At some point Herbert has to get the ball to McConkey and that's a tall task. Relying on an RB behind a swiss-cheese o-line won't do it either. Its not all your fault though. DA GAWD needed to sacrifice the whole Eagle squad to get the win Monday night. Can't have Hurts performing well and getting Saquon close to the goal line. You've been flying too close to the sun with your newfound confidence though. Don't forget those Last Chance U beginnings. 

Congrats on highest points of the week. It must feel good to have a QB that can still put up almost 20 points despite turning the ball over 3 times. But the real star of this show was Bijan Robinson. With a decent QB, things should look good to face me in the chip. As long as Puka is on the outs and Kittle stays healthy, you should steadily be putting up over 150 a week. I'd think of more to say but you're not reading this. 

The Syndicate 135.90 vs U Can't CMC Me 166.60

This week you had the exact same points as Da GAWD but had a worse matchup. In an alternate universe, you'd have a win. But instead, you watched helplessly as Penix peppered London with targets while Kyle Pitts was running decoy cardio. JT had a tough game against a good defense. Then (another) Mike Evans injury showed up at the wrong time. Its not all bad though. You still got Ceedee Lamb and a kicker that can score more than most of Gordon's roster. Dust off the loss and get yourself back to .500.

Thursday started off hot for you with Drake London finally having a competent QB. Hopefully you continue to keep CMC healthy and Fannin continues being a waiver steal. Jadarian Price might be iffy but you might have enough on the bench to get the job done. Da Gawd would also like to thank Lamar Jackson for not vulturing Derrick Henry TDs. He's a real one. Oh and don't forget to drop MHJ. Gordon still needs him. 

Team Next to Gordon 123.90 vs StatueOfGibbserty 134.45

Experience the epitome of having bad luck at Team 7 Heaven, where the roster is littered with injuries. Here, every week offers the opportunity to lose a player when you need them the most. Exquisite performances are only matched by RB3's that average 10 touches a game and bench players exude potential. With the stench of a unfortunate mishaps and captivating start-em sit-ems, every week is a toast to fantasy football's funniest moments. 

Starting off the season in typical Eddie fashion, your team is doing great. You're 3-0. Gibbs is delivering exactly the type of value you wanted. You picked up the Caleb Williams pieces and got Sam Darnold to deliver great value. You even got your win Monday night with a solid performance from Devonta Smith. But outside of that, this team looks destined to fall apart by the semi-finals. Having two Giants players and a hurt Coker won't do it. Congrats on the win though. 

Amon-Ramen Who? 133.55 vs Ja'marrageddon 144.85

This week showed you why JSN was the unanimous pick you should've taken. Especially in a week where you would've won had you picked him. After doubting Da GAWD's trade, you were plagued with keeping Odunze instead of Burden (who put up the points that could've won you this week too). The only thing left to complete the plague is to watch K9 drop when you need him most. But that won't be for a while as long as the Chiefs keep running hot. You're still destined for the playoffs so don't take this first loss too hard. Maybe we can make a deal to correct things. 

The week was looking bleak for you Juan. When you picked up Jonah Coleman, it reminded me of those vids of dudes crashing out because they flew a IG girl out and then she didn't want to do anything once she showed up. Jonah Coleman going on IR after blowing that bag had to hurt. But things looked up. You still had Shough put up points and JK Dobbins still played. Jamar Chase still played as expected and Kyren didn't get any Corum vultures. Congrats on getting the win with the odds stacked against you. 

Queen Quon 113.90 vs DA GAWD Al Gaib 135.90

This week you got caught in DA GAWD's Nor'Easter of Plagues. The trade you declined would've won you the week. Justin Jefferson goes down in the first QTR right after I picked up Juan Jennings that morning. Then Mahomes stopped passing. And just when you think Saquon, Swift, and Wicks can save the day, you watch Luther Burden get pushed in for a TD while Swift repeatedly gets stuffed. When the Eagles get to the goal line, you watch Andy Dalton throw a pick. Your silence Monday Night was deafening. I know you were punching air at every opportunity that Wicks dropped the ball or a play got called back. You been owed a loss like this for quite a few of our matchups. At least your Steelers won. 

Pulled up Week 3, beep-beep baby. Came back with a Bowers TD baby. Thought Josh Allen vultured Cook's TDs, baby. 2 TDs for Derrick Henry, baby. 

Burden came alive, someone come dig me up. If you drop a good player, I'll pick em up. You boys got big off Da GAWD, that's big enough. We know the reigning champ ain't repeating, the jig is up. They say you had the better TE, well mine just went nuts while you watch in HD. They say that karma could take an eternity, but Joel's dropped in Week 3. Ya'll gon get yours while I'm doin me. Ya'll gon get yours while I'm doin me. 

Aye Joel, STFU!!

#Amen

Don't Worry (Week 2)

 

Week 2 of the NFL season is officially Week 4 of the preseason. All injuries are on the table and teams are still working out kinks. An unprecedented 6 teams couldn't score over 110 points. Its one thing when just Gordon struggles. But when half the league fell victim to the injury bug, you know there's something up. At the very least, we can all take a knee on shit talkin because half of us are in the same boat. Name of the game this Week was health. Let's see who remained healthy and who had season tickets to the medical tent.

Chasing Your First Win 96.45 vs Team DQ 157.90

Nothing worse than watching players go off on your bench while the starters either get hurt or put up a dud. Da GAWD snickered because that Kelce trade from 2019 set your championship runs in motion and Kelce proceeded to ball on the bench. But then I saw Bryce balled out too. Stevenson couldn't do better than 3 points in a game where the Patriots D stifled the Steelers? To top it all off, you couldn't use the newly acquired Zay Flowers. I think the league was having a prayer circle after that trade just so you wouldn't benefit. Its just week 2 for the champ though right? You've been here before. Don't worry. 

At this point, you should just change your logo to Josh Allen's picture. He was your whole team going into Monday night's game. Adams and Allen accounting for half your points has to feel good and worrisome at the same time. I think you have enough balance that the days that Joshy doesn't bail you out, the rest of your team will come to play. Congrats on your first win of the season. 

This Team Is Hammered 100.95 vs StatueofGibbserty 118.20

If there was a week that you were going to get lucky and win, it was supposed to be this one. With so many underperformances/injuries, I thought you had a legit shot. You had viable players. But then Jayden Daniels went down and Terry dropped a would-be bomb TD. Probably enough points to get you the win if we're being honest. I'm stunned you didn't start Henderson when he was healthy. Especially over Quentin Johnston. Especially since the Chargers are BEYOND trash through 8 quarters of football. At least you got one thing right and got Purdy. At this rate, you'll have a fully functioning fantasy team by Week 8.

 

There was a recap from years ago where I talked about you painting your toe nails Jet green while watching the game. Fast forward to now and you have a QB with painted nails that shed crocodile tears because he didn't stretch his hamstrings. Despite him failing in bad weather and you starting the wrong TE (against your own coveted Jets no less) you managed to squeak out a win. Not a hard task when facing Gordon but definitely difficult considering the minefield of injuries out there. Congrats. 

Team GPT 100.50 vs Amon-Ramen Noodles 169.85

By Monday night, it must've felt good to just let Puka ride. Didn't matter if he played or not because even if he had Devante Adams' game, you still would've lost. The rougher part is losing Jayden 'Twigs" Daniels. We've yet to see if Jordan Love can get it done and QBs are dropping like flies so far. Injuries happen though. So as soon as Nico and Puka are healthy, you should be in fighting shape again. Just ask ChatGPT if you should start Boston or Addison in Week 3. Don't think too hard. 

Highest points of the week. 2-0 with a Goff/Sun-God must have you feeling mighty fine. While the rest of us struggle with injuries, your top 3 players seem to be able to get you a win each week. We even saw a rare Diggs sighting for the TD. Between you and me, you might want to start Carnell Tate Week 3. You're on a roll and it would be the best switch for Diggs without Daniels. Keep riding high on the wins, they're a rare commodity these days.

 

King Wrong 102.80 vs U Can't CMC Me 105.25

Damn Joel. You almost won this one on Sunday night. First DJ Moore went down with an injury and somehow managed to score negative points.  Then Saquon went on a milk carton for the first half of his game and let Tank Bigsby take his TD. When all hope was lost, Mahomes and company managed to make their game go into OT while you climbed from the depths to get close to a win. But then they fell just short of a TD in OT that would've got you a win. Ya win some you lost some. The good thing is that Herbert is gonna make great waiver space for you to pick up someone now that he's certified caca. 

When you saw DJ Moore go down, I'm sure you felt pretty good for Sunday. But then you watched 4 quarters go by wondering what Marvin Harrison Jr was suited up for. Was he a decoy? Was he even blocking? Then Price popped up with an injury and Drake London was caught being frustrated (rightfully so) on camera. Did you stay up all Sunday night waiting to see the outcome of that OT game with Mahomes breathing down your neck? Either way, a win is a win even if its close. Just drop MHJ for now so Gordon can pick him up. 

Ja'Marrageddon 107.90 vs The Syndicate 153.85

Sunday started off hot with Ja'Marr Chase getting two TDs and one of the best top taps of the weekend. But then the injury bug got let loose. We all knew it was a matter of time, but we thought you had at LEAST until Week 4 with Dobbins. Loveland had a slight improvement from last week with one catch for 3 yards and then got bull rushed on the last play like he was a practice dummy. Maybe Week 3 he'll have 2 catches for 10 yards. At least Aubrey showed up with almost 17 points. You're gonna need everything you got next week though when you face off against SunGod, Goff, K9 and Waddle. Maybe Ferguson and Pickens go off :shrug:

Now I see the insistence on getting this recap. After coming up short last week, you came through in Week 2 with the second highest point total of the week. To top it all off, no one got hurt. The Dak/Lamb stack paid off big and Kyle Pitts finally registered some points. Considering all the injuries out there, you might have some good trade bait with Bo Nix sitting on your bench. Lord knows a bunch of teams need em. Congrats on the win and getting out of the win-less category. 

My Njigba 142.60 vs Da Gawd Al Gaib 83.75

Going into Sunday, I knew I was toast. Cook's TD kept getting vultured and I knew I needed all of em if I was to stand a chance against JSN. Before every throw in the red zone, I just said "I bet its another JSN TD". I finished all the laundry at 8pm and just waited for week to be done. Despite all of this, its not an excuse. You put together a great week for the players and of course, barely anyone was hurt. Keep proving the haters wrong and that all you need in order to draft is complete solitude and silence. Good win. 

Da GAWD isn't worried though. I'm now treating this season like a snake in the grass. I'll wait for everyone to get healthy and go on a historic run of domination. Until then, have fun picking up the waiver guys you want. Don't worry, Da Gawd will still be on top. 

#Amen

Make Them Cry (Week 1)

 

After what feels like an eternity, Da GAWD is BACK to deliver the oft requested (seldom executed) weekly recaps of the best fantasy football league on the planet. We didn't have any new rules implemented but the stakes are higher for the payouts and the coveted trophy. Week 1 had two teams start TE's with goose eggs and two teams go for over 170 points. Let's recap how all those hours of mock drafts, trash talk, and start-em/sit-ems played out for Week 1. 

Ted Ammon 86.80 vs Amon-Ramen Noodles 154.30 

In 2001, Wall Street financier Ted Ammon was brutally murdered inside his East Hampton mansion. In 2026, Gordon was brutally murdered in Week 1 after selecting Omarion Hampton with his first pick. The week started with a litany of Drake Maye underthrows, picks, and low balls that sent AJ Brown to IR. Just when things started to look up with a 30 pt 1st HALF effort from Zay Flowers, he popped up with a hammy that'll probably linger for weeks. I know you're telling yourself "its just week 1" but to turn this around you need: Kyren Williams to return punts, KW3 to get hurt, Mondre to get hurt, Henderson to get healthy, AJ Brown to go back to the Eagles, Drake Maye to get lasik, David Montgomery to get hurt, and a prayer at tight end. Next year, just think about buying 300 dollars in lottery tickets. Better chance of getting a return. The bleach is in aisle 4 if you want to end it all.

Taking the safe road in round 1 with Sun God looks like it panned out Jesus. You could've ended up Chase'ing a rough week 1. A lot of people were concerned with taking KW3 but that Monday night performance for 42 points gave you enough to have a respectable score. Hopefully the threat of him staying healthy all season won't keep you up most nights. For now, be thankful for late production from ETN and Juwon Johnson. It could've been worse - you could've lost to Gordon. Good win on the week. Oh and I accept your apology for thinking DA GAWD got fleeced. Everyone just seemed to skip that. 

The Pitts 114.25 vs King Quon 150.35

How long were you refreshing the Yahoo app and checking Twitter 'X' to see if Pitts was hurt or playing? Welcome to the pain my guy. Especially with Strange on the bench putting up a solid 10 points from the TE wasteland. I think that was the theme the whole Sunday while looking at the roster. You watched the Giants pull of a strong win while Dak and Ceedee combined for 30 points. Hopefully after that terrible Nix performance, you won't have to wrack your brain on which QB to start each week. Better days are ahead but you're gonna need help. 

Looking like a great start to the season for Joel. We callin you Joel now instead of Shorty right? Someone let me know. Anyway, JJ, DJ Moore, and Trey McBride really did the heavy lifting on a week where Justin Herbert shit the bed worse than the Hyrox race lady. The week coulda been really different had you accepted that trade on draft day but the chips fall where they do. But you can't outrun DA GAWD forever. By Week 6 I'll be here when you get tired of Saquon while Jacobs is running up the charts. Holla at ya boy when it happens. 

Ja'Maybegetsomepoints 126.50 vs Team 7 Heaven 141.60

On draft day, I know you wanted to go for your coveted Burrow/Chase stack. When Ja'Marr was there because of nervous Jesus, I bet you felt you won the lottery. Then Ja'Marr put up Quentin Johnson numbers. Then Loveland went missing. In a game where the Bears put up 59 points, it had to be unthinkable. Especially after watching Kmet get that TD. Woof. To top it all off, your prized kicker put up 1 point. The one that would get you "20 a game". At least the Giants won without Jaxon Dart living in the blue tent and Skattebo keeping both legs. There's always next week. Oh and don't think I didn't see that glazing for "Gooeeddaart" in my matchup against me. I see where your allegiance lies. 

Good to see you on the right side of the standings for a change. We're not sure if you do research before draft day but here you are. Everyone performed good enough to get the win and there weren't any big worries for future performance other than Addison. You got this win with points to spare on the bench too. But a start em/sit em will fix all that. I hope you were texting Juan every time the Bengals kicker scored points while Ja'Marr had only 4 targets. You siphoned all those points away from Aubrey and Chase knowing Juan was punching air. Congrats on the win. 

U Can't Draft Drake London 123.10 vs My Njigba 178.45

Lots of underperformances here in Week 1 Adam. CMC doesn't look like he's going to get the workload he had before. Marvin Harrison JR still running cardio. Browns still don't know what to do at QB to get Fannin the ball. AND DRAKE LONDON STILL DOESN'T HAVE A QB TO THROW TO HIM. I drafted that guy one time and knew the problem yet he's been going in first and second rounds 3 years in a row. He's an expensive Christian Watson. By the time he gets going he'll get hurt. But I don't blame you on that. I blame the market. At least Jadarian Price looked good and Olave ended the game knowing his name. Maybe things get better next week. Maybe. Didn't help you ran into the highest scoring team on the week.

During the draft, we were about to call 911 after you drafted 3 tight ends. Funny thing is that all 3 of them scored more points some other teams' starting ones. And despite such questionable drafting, you started Week 1 with the highest point total. Time will tell if you can keep this up but your first 4 players seem solid enough to keep you on the right side of the standings. With McConkey and Pierce beat up, you'll probably need to start those other TEs in the flex anyway. Great win on a week where the doubt was high. 

Team DQ 163.50 vs StatueofGibbserty 177.65

Good match up for the 1st and 2nd draft picks. On draft day you were right. No matter what you do, Josh Allen can keep you in a game. Unfortunately you ran into the second highest point total of the week. You got a knack for running into those scenarios to. I wouldn't be surprised if you finish the season 6-8 with the 2nd highest point total. Bro to Bro (even though you're not reading this) you should keep Godwin on the bench for Hubbard for the foreseeable future. But you'll keep starting him anyway. I'm gonna see how many tips I can put in your recaps until you notice. Go get em next week. 

Eddie told everyone how much he loved Caleb Williams and that love paid off. Besides Gibbs doing Gibbs things, the real GM move of the week was started Jalen Coker. Most leagues don't even have him rostered and you STARTED him. Ballsy move that paid off. Plus you got the production before he ended up in the walking boot. Now don't go tooting your own horn just yet though. You're still a Jet fan and like to set yourself up for losses when they matter. But for now, be happy that you AND the Jets won week 1. Things are looking up. I'm already removing Quis from your path to a semi bounce. It'll just be me instead. 

Where's Scary Terry 135.60 vs DA GAWD AL GAIB 149.35

I don't know how to play this recap. On one hand, the trade worked out. I put aside my hate to see the big picture. You also had a great Burrow/Brown stack that was nullified by my GAWD powers. The matchup throughout the weekend was back and forth anyway. But then you bet DA GAWD that he'd lose. The season is long and we all know you'll make the appropriate adjustment or simply gouge Gordon's teams for scraps while he comes to terms with his failure. What I was worried about in Achane showed up but there will be weeks that it looks good. But the biggest issue is going to be knowing when/where to start Terry. I never draft the guy for a reason. At least you go Deebo looking good and Pittman might be the PPR savant in short catches. I'll take that 10 or we can double or nothing if we see each other again. 

Shout out to the fake fans of DA GAWD - I didn't know we were Burning Bridges. How many times did I hear I've been bad for years despite having highest points and dominating the regular season two years ago. How many times did I hear that recaps were dead because I been losing. No more. There's G's on the Table. When Jacobs comes back, I'm gonna Make Them Pray. You'll Whisper My Name when Trevor Lawrence is the Q1 on the season. Me and BTJ will Make Them Remember. Derrick Henry already started with a Shabang. Brock Bowers gonna make Joel/Shorty STFU. And when DA GAWD wins it all with a bigger pot, I'll Make Them Know my name is DA GAWD for a reason. 

#Amen

Peekaboo (Week 12)

It's sad to see how Week 12 ended. Zombies rose from the shadows as a surprise and ended the playoff hopes for several teams. I know there were dreams of "I just gotta win out and I got shot". Instead, now it's race to not be in the bottom two and there's two weeks left. What a turn of events. Let's get into each game and see how it all went down. 

Machine Gun Santa 133.35 vs This Team Iz Kang 140.05

I don't know where to begin. Sometimes, when people's hopes and dreams get dashed they have a full psychotic episode. Some shave their head like Britney Spears. Some start having an identity crisis. In this case, we saw someone sadly dancing in Santa pants/shorts suit for the world to see. Maybe this break came from the combination of losing a spot for the playoffs and losing to Gordon in the same weekend. I hope you get the help you need. 

Way to play playoff spoiler Gordon. Your victory created a great moment for the fantasy chat to witness. It's crazy to think what your team could've been. Now you're out here winning games with Jonny Smith outscoring Travis Kelce. Crazy times. Now your only goal is to not be in the bottom two. That's the new "playoff race" with your bottom dwelling brethren. 

I Like to Marv it Marv it 84.55 vs The Syndicate 129.95

The stack this season just wasn't hitting like you expected this year. You gotta remember that it's super rare for a rookie WR to go nuts. Josh Jacobs stole all the juice from Christian Watson and Brian Robinson got knocked out of the game when you needed him most. At least the power washing got done. Maybe you had time to take Christmas light inventory. Just try not to be at the bottom again this year. Remember - you're not the Jets. 

Like clockwork, a back against the wall performance to stay playoff relevant. I wonder if you had a pickleball tournament at 12:45 and made the snap decision to start Noah Gray AND (let me look up the name because I had no clue who he was) Devaughn Vele. It paid off well. Even though Jesus did himself no favors, these are the type of moves you'll need to keep making for the rest of the season. 

Get off my Dak 106.40 vs Saved by the Dell 151.55

Another one bites the dust. All year you were hampered with injuries and subpar performances from your top 6 pics. This year just wasn't in the cards to make the playoffs. You should be safe from the bottom two but who knows. I do want to take this time for inviting me to your other league though. If it wasn't for watching you take Saquon in that one, I wouldn't have had the Gawdsight to take him over Bijan Robinson. Your services are appreciated. 

Guess you can still make an impact even when things don't matter for you. While we probably won't hear from you until the chip, it's nice to see you still put the effort in to get your lineup right. It's gotta be frustrating though to wait twelve weeks for DJ Moore to have at least 25 points. If only some trades early on were accepted. Keep playing zombie for the rest of the bottom. You got something to fight for. 

Django Achaned 108.80 vs Team DQ 143.65

This was an interesting strategic punt. With most of your heavy hitters on bye, I saw you didn't start a kicker at 1pm. The hope was that your team might do enough and then you'd take a kicker late. But I'm pretty sure you lost as soon as Daniels threw the 80 yd bomb at 4 pm. I can't imagine the sting of watching your fantasy team lose while watching Cutlets get fried in the Meadowlands. I saw a funny reel that said you could take a nap, read a book, or even count seats at the Giants games this year rather than watch the actual game. I hope you did one of those. 

After having a rough start, it looks like you're heating up at just the right time. I gotta admit that I'm kind of waiting for the Zay Flowers decision to haunt you in the playoffs. Til then, stay silent til Week 15. 

Looking at the man in Jahmyr 140.05 vs Wilson! 144.35

This was game of the week here. Going into Monday night, thing we're close and they stayed close to the final minutes. Unfortunately, you were just a little too short to get the win. The interesting thing is that if you started Mahomes (who everyone thought was bad for you to trade) you would've won the game. So far, you still have the bye. You're just gonna have to win out to keep it. 

It's great to see you staying playoff relevant. Even though you lost Dobbins on the night, you still got the victory. Even better that Chubb is starting to heat up at a time like this. Lucky for you, the rest of the regular season is just about playoff seeding since there's quite a few teams with 4 wins at Week 12. You and the Steelers are truly looking like spirit brothers. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 123.05 vs Da GAWD Al Gaib 196.75

It's a shame your record is what it is and that you would've beat a few teams this week. Unfortunately you're still fighting to stay away from the bottom two spots. I kinda get why you started Devito though. With nothing to lose, why not take the off chance that he surprises the Bucs. I know I took a parlay with the Giants winning. Stay focused on 10th place for the next few weeks. 

Another week, another dominating performance. What else is there to say. Saquon been popping out all season like peekaboo. Even better to see him do it for Da GAWD. Would all this have felt better being undefeated? Of course. But Da GAWD can take solace in doing better than my previous 10-4 record the last time I fire and brimstones the league. 

#Amen

Lucky Me (Week 11)

 

After a brief hiatus, Da GAWD is back in the galaxy to review the week. There's only a few more weeks until the playoffs are upon us. It was all fun and games til now, but some of y'all gotta buckle down and get serious. One more loss and you'll open up the gates of hell for the bottom feeders to have hope. Let's see how it all worked out this week and determine who had luck on their side. 

This Team Iz Kang 84.75 vs Saved by the Dell 134.00

What a sad performance. There's very little to say here, which has been the case most of the season. After drafting all those receivers, they still can't be there for you. Between bye weeks and injuries, this just wasn't helpful week for you. It's like the harder you fight against the last place quicksand, the more it pulls you back in. At this point, you have two weeks to cling to a branch and save yourself. Good luck. 

Better late than never to get your second win of the season. Your first round draft pick finally returned first round value. If I were you, I'd get re-energized with the thought that I could avoid last place punishment within the next two weeks. This win was just enough to put that spoiler jetpack on and ruin a few playoff hopes and dreams. Good win. Hope to hear from you in August in the chat. 

The Syndicate 89.95 vs Get Off my Dak 147.75

After waiting all season to get your first pick back in the lineup, he's been lackluster. The eye test says he's still nervous about reinjury and doesn't want to explode yet. This loss comes at a critical point in the season so you don't want to string too many of these together. On top of that, Gesicki turned back into a Bengal kitten once Higgins got back in the lineup. You might have to resort to 12pm pick ups on Sunday morning to keep the playoff hopes alive. Good luck. 

Who would've thought you would have been better off starting Taysom Hill at QB (not even TE) this week against a Browns defense that has Myles Garrett? This is just the win you needed to stay firmly in the hunt for the playoffs. Bonus points to you for starting BOTH Niners wide receivers. One of em was bound to go off and might as well hedge both of em rather than having Jennings on the bench for Keenan Allen. Solid win. 

Machine Gun Kelce 124.80 vs Wilson! 134.35

I know this one hurt. Sunday started off with a BANGER with Goff going nuclear. You needed it badly because most of your team was on a bye (not that they were all that impactful anyway). Most teams are firmly in the playoff hunt but you might be in the danger zone. This starting lineup is probably the best it's gonna be the rest of the season. You better start praying for a consistency miracle. 

You must be feeling on top. 3 TDs from Mixon at a time you needed it the most. Then the Steelers kicker single leggedly won your beloved Steelers game. It's almost like you're DESTINED to be in the playoffs at this point. Like it's all lining up perfectly like never before and someone is just looking out for you. You'll probably rattle off a few more wins and be ready just in time for the playoffs. Good win. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 116.33 vs I Like to Marv it Marv it 162.55

Despite the way the matchup looks, I think this was one of your better weeks Adam. It's just unfortunate that you didn't play against Gordon or Ian. Even if you picked up a better TE at the last minute after LaPorta was ruled out, you still would've lost. You're still dangerously close to paying the loser fee, so dust yourself off and hope that LaPorta comes back with a vengeance. 

Highest point total of the week and you did without a stack. Must be nice when Higgins finally comes back to play. After weeks of painful losses and watching the Jets look absolutely terrible, you probably needed this win. You're two games behind the 6th seed, so you're gonna need some perfect lineups and a bit of luck. But it's not over just yet. You don't have to be like the Jets. 

Looking at the man in Jahmyr 141.25 vs Django Achaned 154.10

Last week, you had a coup d`etat and burnished Valhalla and knocked Da GAWD off his throne. But it takes more than one win to stay on top. If you were WORTHY of the throne, you might've started Xavier instead of Tyler. But don't worry. Your bye week is still secure. You've fought hard all season to make sure you get the respect you deserve on draft days to come. Maybe I'll see you in the chip. 

Just when things looked bleak, that stack came to bail you out again. Sure, Pitts was gonna look like Pitts, but it was especially smart to take Elijah Moore. His QB hasn't seen a down field throw that doesn't look good and against his former team, it was a no brainer. There's enough time to steal a bye week from either Da GAWD or Trav, but we'll see how it shakes out. Like I said earlier this year, it's 2018 all over again and I plan on seeing you in the chip. Except you got the stack now. 

Team DQ 134.85 vs Da GAWD Al Gaib 135.75

Before Monday night's game, Da GAWD looked at your lineup and immediately saw the problem. You committed a cardinal sin - starting a defense against not one but TWO of your players. As such, when Aubrey scored, it took points away. And when the defense gets your player concussed, it's even worse. Good fight in you though. This was definitely the week to take advantage of a donut in my WR spot. At least you're still in the playoffs. 

Lucky me. If you want my spot you gonna have to come for me. Just know I want this chip more than whatever it is you want this season. And the only thought at night that comforts me is beating whoever's hunting me. Winning by less than a point is still a win. Lucky me I guess. 

#Amen

Nee-Nah (Week 9) {get it?}

 

What a week. After last week's TE TD thunderstorm, teams came back down to earth. With 4 weeks left of the regular season, we've got 4 teams in the hunt for the playoffs that are only behind by 2 games. It's still anyone's race to compete and there's plenty that could go right (or wrong ) leading up to the chip. Let's review the week. 

This Team Iz Kang 88.50 vs Your Chubby White Nabers 113.45

Now this was just low effort. At first glance you'd think Olave getting knocked out the game for the 2nd time in 3 weeks was the reason for your downfall. But there's multiple areas of disappointment. You left Amari Cooper in when they said he'd be out Sunday morning. Then Tyreek didn't get the 60 yd TD that can bail you out. You're still weeks away from getting Evans back. Just start scraping together that loser fee by asking for donations at the end of your comedy sets. Put it on a T-shirt with the Goucho Back meme. 

Looks like you're climbing out of your loser fee era. Even though starting Miles Sanders and Kraft was wild, you got a win. Don't make a habit of leaving points on the bench though. The standings are still very close for the playoff race and every point counts. I'd give you more props for the win but you beat up on Gordon. It didn't take much. 

I like to Marv it Marv it 113.30 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 119.20

Yikes. When that stack misses, it REALLY misses. Kyler and Marvin combined for less than 10 points on a day that the Cardinals scored 29 points. It must've been torture watching the Cardinals run the ball all day. The bright spots were still bright though. Devonta had a one handed grab that was outdone by "THE Hurdle". Otton still proved his waiver pickup value. You wouldn't have beaten anyone but Gordon this week, so go back to the drawing board to get right for the playoff race. It's now or never. 

Even in a game where Xavier Worthy manages to run for NEGATIVE 10 yards, you still get the win. At this point in the season, you should point everyone to your GAWDLY record when they ask why you make the decisions you do. The guy you "gifted" in the trade still lost and Patrick Mahomes had his best fantasy game of the season. Let em know who you are this season (or tell your girl to let them know since she's making these fantasy moves). It's gonna be a doozy fighting for supremacy in Olympus. 

Machine Gun Kelce 100.75 vs The Syndicate 152.90

Boy oh boy. Bet you thought you caught a lick when you got Goff for Mahomes. But between Goff, Mattison, and Wilson, you got 14 points. It's gonna be really hard to win games with that type of production. Maybe things will turn around when AJ and DK get healthy. For your sake, you better hope it's before Week 11. Not too many chances to make the playoffs after that. 

Another week and another back-against-the-wall win. I low key thought about taking Gesicki all week, but Da GAWD was gun shy from tinkering last week when the coveted undefeated season was over. But you made the right call and had him ball out for the easy win. You're firmly in playoff position, so as long as the others continue making hair-brained moves, you can join the battle in Olympus. Or maybe CMC comes back and gets injured Week 13 after you held em all season. Who really knows?? (Gawd shrug)

Team DQ 140.85 vs Get Off My Dak 146.55

What a nasty case of Balling on the Bench. It's like you sneezed and then had Josh Downs (against the Vikings defense) over Zay Flowers. Then as you laid down with some Puka Nacua soup to feel better, he crashes out and gets ejected. That was doubly bad because that meant even MORE targets for your opponent that has Kupp. I mean what are the chances that such a crazy turn events can happen to one guy in a fantasy matchup. Congrats on bringing more life into the world though. A fantasy matchup is an easy sacrifice for a dope day. I just realized you won't read this so forget it. 

Things were looking pretty bleak when Dak was getting roasted on the field and online. But things really started turning around when Puka got rejected. Kupp started running it up. Then you got that old thing back with Justin Jefferson to get right by Sunday night. Week 10 just might have your team at full strength for what feels like the first time in the season. There's s still room for your in this battle but unfortunately, I need Shorty to beat you in order to face me in the semi's. 

Saved by the Dell 138.90 vs Wilson! 165.80

Just when you started to have players perform you had to run into highest point total of the week. To add insult to injury, JSN absolutely crushed it on your bench. But that's been the story of your season all year. Right place, wrong time. Right time, wrong place. Seems like no matter what you do that loser fee is tattoo'd on you. On the bright side, I hope you start TJ Hockenson next week. You've had him all year on your bench doing nothing. Just see what happens. 

Highest point total of the week. Congratulations. This is the type of success I wanna see outta you from now til the playoffs. I want you to ride HIGH with big dreams of hoisting the trophy. I want you think about tucking that trophy in at night saying "it's finally mine". Let it all play out in your head.  I want you to have false hope in every one of your players until you face me. Excellent win this week. 

Django Achaned 147.75 vs Da GAWD Al Gaib 152.05

Your blood pressure must be all over the place. Two weeks in a row you had to wait for end of week scenarios and close matchups. I'm really curious what was worse? 

Losing your fantasy matchup by the final play on OT. 

Watching Saquon Barkley perform a move NEVER seen on a football field, IN AN EAGLES JERSEY, with your fantasy opponent having him at the same time

Personally I think I know but just let the chat know out of curteousy. It was a valiant effort but unfortunately you lost. Take solace knowing you're not fighting for your playoff life like the others. 

DA GAWDs loss last week reminded him of his mortal life. The pain and suffering that you all must go through. But after witnessing THE HURDLE, all the powers came flooding back. On Monday night late in third quarter, Da GAWD noticed his previous disciple having less than 25 yards. Da Gawd channelled his energy to achieve astral form. From then on, an explosion of offensive was bestowed on the field to will the victory. When I awoke from that form, the win was sealed. I didn't even have to take out the Nee-Nah to get him. 

#Amen

Nightmares (Week 8)

 

We're at the midway point of the season and it got real spooky out there. National TE day ended with damn near every tight end going crazy. The witching hour was at full peak. Absolutely gut wrenching losses were had by many. Somehow, 11th place is only 3 games removed from playoff contention with only 2 wins. It's still anybody's game. Let's get into what we all came here to read. 

This Team Iz Kang 112.50 vs Team DQ 166.10

At one point in the season, you had Baker Mayfield going crazy and Love looking like the new hailed Packer. This week left you with a lot of pain though.  Love going out in the middle of the game hurts. Kmet being one of the only TEs that didn't score a TD hurts. Leaving Tracy on the bench for Chubba Hubba hurts. You're chances at making the playoffs are already "The S, the L, the I, the M" (112 reference). Every choice counts moving forward. Don't be yourself. 

Congratulations on highest point total this week. Looks like that intentional punt last week was worth it. Almost your entire roster went crazy, with multiple players on your bench even going for 20+ points. I still can't figure out if you're really avoiding the champ curse or if it's the fact you played Gordon. Either way good win this week. 

Saved by the Dell 120.30 vs The Syndicate 147.50

Easy come, easy go. Just when you got your first win, then this shit happens. Caleb Williams comes out the bye like a scrub and makes DJ Moore get on the struggle bus with him. Then, with most your players out, you're forced to start the RB of greatness past Dalvin Cook. To add insult to injury, McConkey goes for 2 TDs on your bench. Good grief Charlie Brown. You might officially be out of the playoffs. 

Congrats on another victory thanks to the TD vulturing Jalen Hurts and WR nobody heard of til last week, Cedric Tillman. This season, you've made quite a habit of winning games with your back against the wall. Your bench was full of O's and you got the win anyway. You're still firmly in the playoffs hunt, so if you can avoid an injury or two, you can make it. Stay focused.

Get off my Dak 126.25 vs Looking at the Man in Jahmyr 127.35

1 point losses always hurt. They hurt because of the regret and the lasting effects of the start em sit em dilemma. Legette getting a TD before Allen this week with baby boy Bryce at QB? Mostert running like last year? Doubt has a way of seeping into the mind and corrupting well thought out plans. Hopefully it won't corrupt your decisions for next week. You're starting to fall into the danger zone of standings. You're not in good company. Look at who your neighbors (Nabers?) are. 

On the flip side, getting a 1 pt victory sometimes feels better than a blowout. Making your opponent sick with envy knowing they could've won if they had just one more catch for 3 yds is one of the greatest joys of this game. The student has become the teacher in this moment. Bask in this feeling and send subliminal shots to him all week after you were interrogated for a manly trade. You earned it this season. 

Machine Gun Kelce 133.85 vs Your Chubby White Nabers 159.75

When Calvin Ridley had 100 yds in the first half of the game, I thought your team was finally turning around. Without Metcalf your team was pulling out all the stops, and even Travis Kelce was getting in on the action. It was all good til Sunday night though. Then the dreams turned to nightmares as Adam put together a desperation surge. We'll see if you'll be active this week in the chat after this loss. 

Second win of the season and a strong one at that. Lamb showed up when you needed him most. You didn't even need Alec Pierce to catch a 60 yd TD to do it. Right now you, Gordon, and Quis are playing hot potato to figure who's coming in 11th. This might be the start of a surge out of that position. Keep going.

I like to Marv it Marv it 163.85 vs Django Achaned 165.60

Despite how other people probably felt, this was matchup of the week. It was commendable to watch you fight til the bitter end. That 1pm witching hour surge you had was crazy. Your team might've scored 4 tds within a 3 minute timeframe. But like DA GAWD, you were severely let down by Caleb Williams. Even worse, Kyler would've got you the win. The only bright spot is that the "points for" column still matters in the long run. Your playoff position hangs in the balance.

Juan, you and your buddy must've pulled out all the stops for this weekend. With one player left to get the victory, you went from sniping to trophy picture. That confidence transferred through to Pickens when he caught a bomb to seal the deal. Congrats on the victory, but Da GAWD saw that YOU posted the diss video. Colluding on Da GAWD to blemish an otherwise perfect season won't be unpunished. Hope the trip was worth it. 

Wilson! 134.85 vs Da GAWD Al Gaib 127.10

On Sunday, while Da GAWD was home and sick with nothing to do but watch football, it dawned on me what happened. You and your buddy decided to voodoo your ways to victory. By sacrificing a Giants win, all your dreams would come true. Both of you got victories when there shouldn't have been one. Garrett Wilson puts up season high numbers with ANOTHER wr there? Taylor gets his TD while hurts vultures 2? I bet you feel great knowing you prevented the perfect season. Just know that I wish NOTHING more than to see you in the playoffs. I'm rooting for you from here on out. 

This was Shorty Sunday

Last week, I inadvertently asked to be humbled and here I am. This is the part of the movie when Luke loses his hand and realized his Dad is Darth Vader. This is when the Atredies army is reduced to ruin. When Simba starts the Hakuna Matata journey. 

I took Monday to really feel the feels of this loss. I see why Tom Brady would give up 2 rings to get the 1 undefeated ring. I contemplated what else is there to play for. I asked co-workers "how do I come to terms with these mortal feelings?". At one point, all I could think about was that it was all a dream and never happened OR that I wish I had a time machine (but to win the lottery but to keep an undefeated fantasy season). 

The perfect season may be gone, but a dominating one is still here. Now it's time for the climb back. 

#Amen