MMT Recaps: Week 7 (Sanctified)

Sanctified (click the link to hear the song bitches)

At this point, Da Gawd has felt the presence of a few million angels around him. It’s a new week and Young Fuego has been born again. 2 wins in a row and the Oracle is feelin’ sanctified. The word is so clear to me that A$AP Bebop is winning this championship, its damn near biblical. I want you all to notice the believers vs non-believers in Week 7. You scrubs are only seeing the tip of this iceberg, but let’s recap on where things went right and wrong.

Shit Storm 126.00 vs ShutTheBUCup 135.45

Week 1, Bowles thought Gronk was gonna teleport to the game. Week 7, he thinks Knile Davis gonna download the playbook straight to his brain in 2 days like its “The Matrix”. Where the fuck do you get your player updates from? You must be getting news from a kid on the corner with a floppy kangol yellin "Getcha paper here. Only a nickel!" You clearly have the internet, stop acting like its dial up. Get out of your shit head and make a good trade. You are literally giving away wins like goodwill.

The newly repented Buc saw the light. Although he felt he got the raw end of the trade deal, his repentance allowed the rest of his squad to succeed. Who needs Jordan Howard to go crazy when you let Brees be Brees? I already knew which players on his team would blow up Week 7. During negotiations, he noticed where I had interest and acted on it. Welcome to the Light Buc.

You Lose Some 117.20 vs Show Me Your TDs 140.90

Now that you’re back to earth, I hope you see how short lived you were in winning. Your golden carriage players turned back into the pumpkins they are. Jeremy Maclin still has Alex Smith T-Rex arming the ball to him. Kenny Britt became the Kenny Britt that the ball stolen from him by Polamalu. And Martellus Bennett learned it’s still the Gronk show. Don’t get any ideas thinking you can make a trade before your Week 8 matchup with The Y Chromosome himself and get a win. I think your time is better served house hunting.

TDs, I’m happy to see my homie Adriel Jeremiah Muthafuckin Green put in work for you. Catchin Hailmary’s while defenders try to pull him down like crippling hood poverty. Mike Evans went Mike Evans as expected and just about everyone showed up. While I tried to tell you to start Latavius (by offering a trade) you dismissed it and left those points sit on the bench. Keep this up though and you’re bound for that coveted Playoff bye week.

Le’Veon Left 139.85 vs Jay and Silent Juan 174.80

Shorty, you must’ve looked at Sunday as a good time to organize your iTunes song list. I mean there was absolutely no point in even turning on a Football game. Don’t worry though, you’re squad still put up decent numbers and hopefully you don’t run into the same issue next week. Just keep prayin homie. It wasn’t your fault. You just lost before the race got started. On the bright side, your Sunday was probably productive like you took Adderall or that Limitless pill.

I’m torn on writing a recap for Silent Juan. I know Juan will read it, appreciate it silently, and then act like its not his team. On the other hand, Jon might exist and he’s quietly trying to establish dominance in this league. Unfortunately I can’t let that happen. The “cult” that I’m leading won’t allow his “Sometime Studs” to keep doing this. Trades will be made. Walls will fall. Enjoy your win ~~Juan~~ Jon.

Your Name Sucks 117.65 vs Hartline Bling 148.45

Mosquitoes, its time to change your team name, your Fantasy Football strategy or both. At this point, I’m thinking both because I can’t even understand the reference you’re using for your name. Maybe I’m ignorant, or maybe not cause I’m Da Gawd. But when someone offers you TY Hilton in Week 3 for Allen Robinson, you take it. When you’d rather have Giovanni Bernard on the bench and start Devante Parker, you don’t. Listen, I just know what I know. At this point, Da Gawd sees you falling from Mt. Olympus. You got too close to the sun Icarus. Your fall to the bottom of the league won’t stop this week.

Hartline on the other hand has joined the ranks of the true believers. What does he get for his obedience? A win during a week that all his players were on a bye. I told him Jeremy Hill would go off. He just needed faith. He can TESTIFY to this miracle that the Oracle bestowed on his team. Now don’t get ahead of yourself because you’ve dodged many a bullet. In reality, you might have the luckiest streak and go from not knowing who David Johnson is, to winning the chip……..if I allow it. At this point, we’ll call it dumb luck but the Dominican Poppi is now a disciple.

Loser Lobos 119.50 vs A Team Needs A Name 147.90

Lobos was feeling mighty strong sitting at the top. What he didn’t realize is that the crown is heavy when you’re at the top. You have to make good moves. You have to REPENT for using DA GAWD’S name in vain. How did it end up for him this week? Shady is now looking at missing multiple weeks. Eddie Lacy sent to the IR and Carlos Hyde in a sling. The RB plague is upon you. If you like the idea of getting to the playoffs, it might be time to pray playa. The pain train is comin. Oh and next time I offer you Rashad Jennings for Terrelle Pryor, you take it!

Jesus, you were the first to realize your retardation in this league. I want you to notice how it worked for AND against you. Starting Jacquizz Rodgers was a like a retard picking a good stock based on how team colors. Sitting Ajayi was ALSO like a retard picking a bad stock because he licked stickers. There are times when you wouldn’t be in this scenario if you JUST GAVE ME MUTHAFUCKIN COLEMAN! But that’s ok. Young Fuego is not gonna beat himself up. You can lead a retard to victory but you can’t make them tie their shoes. Good win though.

Image result for tying shoes for dummies

The Sphincter Blitzers 108.65 vs Trilladelphia Eagles 119.55

“The path of righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good-will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will KNOW my name is DA GAWD, when I lay my vengeance upon you”

Ezekiel 25:17

(Richie is the white guy "Brett" in this video)

Do I look like a bitch to you Richie? Why’d you try to fuck me like a bitch with that bullshit trade shortly before the Thursday Night game? YOU TRIED TO HAVE DA GAWD FUCKED UP OUT HERE. Only person I liked to get fucked by is my wife a week before her period.

When will you get it through that retard brain that I am Da GAWD? Do you see what your insubordination did to your team? Ya boy Black Moses split your team’s wig like it was the red sea! You fucked up benching Ty Montgomery. I put the JuJu on Hoyer from that damn trade. I even called in the homie Kenny Stills to help rack up points on your bullshit defense. I literally needed to tear your team a new asshole.

For WEEKS, you doubted my confidence in leading NFL passer Matt Ryan. You tried to poison and confuse this league into thinking that bitch-ass, sweater wearing, cookie baking Russel Wilson was worthy of being a fantasy “stud” this year. They definitely should be calling you "Numbers" cause you couldn't count enough points to best Da Gawd.

I told ya’ll I was trying hard to be the graceful shepherd and not that Old Testament Gawd - full of wrath and vengeance. But I can hold back no longer. I didn’t want it to be like this.

All I wanted was a couple thousand dollars and a basement.