Wins & Losses (Week 1)

“You have to EAT the dream, you have to SLEEP the dream, you have to DREAM the dream, you gotta touch – YOU HAVE TO SEE WHEN NOBODY ELSE SEES IT. You have to FEEL it when it not TANGIBLE. You have to BELIEVE IT when you cannot see it. You gotta be POSSESSED with…..THE DREAM.”

Welcome to the beginning of the end bitches. You’re now in the presence of the many named Gawd aka the Bye Week Bully, aka Lord Waiver Wire, Your Grace, Asgarde’s Very Own, but better known as DA GAWD. After watching your pitiful attempts at stringing together a formidable squad in this year’s draft, we got to see how it all turned out week 1. Let’s just call Week 1 Failure to Launch. I wish I could insult each of you more but the NFL let everyone down this week – cept DA GAWD!

Beard In the North 142.3 vs “Player 2” 122.7

Bruh, your squad might as well be “Player 2” because you had no control over how Monday night went. Just when you thought you were blessed with Zeke playing, OBJ is out. Just when you thought you were up 20 pts, Steve Diggs turned to Stephon Diggs. I know its early in the season and you couldn’t even swap out Kirk Cousins when he played DA GAWD’S SQUAD, but be ready to make some changes sooner than later.  Oh and you better quit believing in that Giants team cause they let you down – big time.

Prepping for winter huh Beard? Getting a much needed win early is good since TY Hilton won’t have a QB for quite some time. I wish I could diss your team more, but it was actually a solid roster lineup and you got optimal points. BUT FUCK IT, YOU STILL TRASH FOR KEEPING DARREN MCFADDEN ON A ROSTER SPOT WHEN HE AIN’T NEVER GETTIN’ IN THE GAME!

J&D’s Incest Baby 95.25 vs GanGreen 132.45

I can’t make fun of a name that’s already bad so we’ll stick with it. While we’re at it, it’s a shame your fantasy fun ended on Thursday night. Sure Gillislee came through with 3 TDs, but did you think P.Richardson was an option going into Sunday’s games? I know he did better Dez, but I wouldn’t even invest the time it takes to find out what the P even stands for. He’s literally not worth the click – even with his 9 pts. Oh and lets hope Tom Brady the GOAT shows up instead of Tom Brady the goat – he fell so fast when pressure got to em.

GanGreen, I don’t know if you’re the same Bed Shittin’ Bowles from last year, but good win. Either that new colon worked wonders or we just got a new member that’s a Jet’s fan with an unoriginal Jet fan name. I’d say there’s room for improvement but you’re already forced to drop Kevin White, so continue doing no work. AND WHO THE FUCK IS Z.JONES!?!?  

Its a HardKnock Life 109.55 vs No One 169.40

You think just because your squad was on HBO that you’d have a good reason not to burn your jersey? Sure, mother nature dealt you a bad hand, but did you really think you could hide behind that excuse as Kareem Hunt singlehandedly made you do laundry by the 4pm games on Sunday? Your squad still seems kinda solid, so I’m sure you can recover – even if you got Ted “Hot Hands” Ginn.

Congratulations Jesus. You’ve shown what it means to be dedicated to the league. You wouldn’t let the largest hurricane in recent memory stop you from getting a victory. You even double’d down and Jax D came through with hurricane-like sacks. With the highest point total of the week, you got people bending da knee out here. Now if only our Commish would recognize that football is life, people wouldn’t have lost so many players in preseason with that early draft.

Wk 2 Win 2 128.95 vs Player Disconnected 103.70

How could Jonathan’s team leave any of Da Gawd’s players on the bench? Nah I’m playin, Agholor is awful. But it sucks that you picked the wrong Eagle to fly high with. On top of that, are you gonna double down on AP? We all saw him yell at Sean Payton and we know that ALWAYS works out……..right? Anyway, its week 1 and you still got studs (and no bench) so we’ll see where the chips fall.

The reigning champ managed to get a solid win after the collusion of a Rudolph for Ertz trade. How this shit league manages to let this happen right in front of their faces – I’ll never know. I mean, does this league have that low of self-esteem to think this collusion is acceptable? Did you all come from Mormon households that had multiple moms? Either way, congrats on getting production from Ertz. I’d say AB was great, but AB gonna be AB.

Hangin’ with Diapers 100.10 vs Aaron out my Nelson 148.00

I think we saw just how much of a Giants fan Juan is this week. With OBJ out, a terrible O-line and an old Forrest Gump QB, he thought gimpy hip Brandon Marshall was going to be the game changer. He had a viable Terrence West on the bench. Not only did he have baby brain, he started the defense that played against one of his own players – just erasing points. I think its time to focus on being a dad and retire from fantasy because its going to be a long year.

Regular season Quis did regular season Quis things. Getting points while having points to spare on the bench. But does he? With broke wrist David Johnson gone, things might get iffy. Plague 1 has already started my G. You thought you could just come to my daughter’s bday, laugh about my lack of playoff berth last year and think the plagues weren’t comin!?!?! I’m warning you now that Derek Carr is next. That goes for Gerald too for taking Da Gawd’s blessing in vain.

Yeast Mode Boss 78.65 vs GAWD 92.85

Yeast, let me introduce myself. You can call me your Grace, Vallhalla’s Victor, or simply GAWD. Either way, you weren’t prepared for the obstacles that would face you in this matchup. Da GAWD sent a prayer up to make sure that the same Kelvin Benjamin would do enough to grant him a win in 3 different leagues. Da Gawd faced David Johnson, Allen Robinson, AND Kareem Hunt across 4 leagues and still remained victorious. Don’t get down on yourself. You did nothing wrong – you just faced Da GAWD. Now pick yourself up, brush off this loss, and feel confident that YOU’LL NEVER BEAT ME!

“As I walk through the valley with my ladder and FLEX, I’m the realest nigga in it, I just happen to be the best.”

New basement, new counters on the way now

Brr, brr, that’s an alert FOR THE TOUCHDOWN

Week 2 is gonna be a doozy

-Amen.