Week 5 (Down & Out)

Down and Out 

I’m starting to wonder why I even write recaps for this shit league. Your W/L records make you think you’re good GMs, but each week you lames manage to set new lows for points and bad moves.  Well you guys asked for it and below is a recap of what happens when you let kids eat glue, lick batteries, and try to parachute off the roof with a plastic bag.

Zika Carriers 86.80 vs Show Me Your TDs 149.60

I’m thinking Mushroom Tip Mosquitoes got a bad batch of blood, witnessed his head shrink, and let his brain ooze out his ears. This bum squad has been holding on to PUP List Deion Lewis since THE DRAFT. Week 5 rolls around, Allen Robinson on a BYE, and he’s holding a roster spot that could have been ANYONE better than Jacod Tamme. But hoes gon’ be hoes so he can’t blame Tamme. Pathetic when you think this could have been avoided with some trades. 

Congratulations on beating up on the squad with the lowest point total of the YEAR. In TDs case, he was lucky that he didn’t have to make ANY fucking decisions since everyone on his bench wasn’t gonna play. Shouts to getting your newly acquired players to “ball”. You’re team is still strong in this league but I think you gonna start getting disappointed late in the season. Oh and big shouts to showin up to the bar. I wish Mushroom Tips could’ve been there to not enjoy wings as well as Gerald. 

Gay & Silent Blow Job 93.75 vs Flatline Bling 125.15

Honestly, there’s no point in even writing a recap for a fake. The team name is here just for show. Juan’s trying to run both teams and can’t handle the responsibilities. Leaving Deangelo Williams in like Le’Veon Bell gonna get hurt on the first play of the game is just stupid. Thinking bum shoulder Amendola can be the next Welker is asinine. Believing Richard Rodgers was somehow gonna be a target magnet against the Giants is flat out autistic. I just wanna know what its like realizing you're not even real. You're Pinocchio or something. 

Hartline, I have no good words for you. I explain to you how good Philip Rivers is, you act like you don’t want him, then give your Godfather a backrub and ask for him. Matter of fact you’re worst than all of that. You’re a “Flat-Earther”. You the type of dude that said Columbus would fall off the edge of the world instead of begin a genocide of people. You the type of dude that would believe it really was Pac when they had those hologram shows. You believe in BigFoot. I refuse to put more effort into coaching you about how bad your squad is. Ignorance is bliss and I don’t wanna take that from you. SMH Victor Cruz.

Crohn’s Disease 155.15 vs Go Back from Wentz You Came 175.20

Jesus Christmas……Somehow Bowles managed not to shit the bed, but did it at the wrong time. The one week he would have beaten 75% of the league, he ran into the other squad that didn’t have a win and had something to prove. While I could tell you that Ryan Matthews would’ve been a good start, it doesn’t matter all that much. Just take some Humira because Week 6 ain’t getting any better.

Is this what Juan has been waiting for since September? His first win? Did he want me to congratulate him on finally starting Martellus Bennet in the right situation? Fuck all that noise. This chump is running two teams and rapes his partner for the David Johnson trade. If he thinks I’m gonna start respecting his cheaply engineered team he has another thing coming. Even worse, he had the nerve to take the Eagles name in vain and produce our first loss. Let’s see how you do when there aren’t so many byes and you got REAL GM moves to make.

ShuTheBUCup 122.80 vs A Team Has No Name 158.15

Talk about letting one slip away. If you had started Randall Cobb and Antonio Gates you might’ve won this one. Too bad you didn’t believe in a Randall. This little mistake is going to haunt you as another Randall aka DA GAWD takes that coveted playoff spot that you’re dying for. Oh, you thought the Fozzy Whittaker that fluked his way to making me lose to you was going to take the STARTER role? You still believe in that now shitty panther’s defense? If all of that’s true, I got a fairy tale for you. Once there was a dude named Buc, who started to run out of luck. He lost his mind, ate some plates and no one gave a fuck!

No Names, you left quite a few points there on your bench. While you got a good win in this one, every point counts when it comes to playoff spots. Good thing Cooks is back Week 6 because that receiving core was starting to look mighty shaky. Keep fighting that middle of the road fight in this league. At some point, you’re team will have enough of an identity that you’ll be able to give it a real name.

The Name Changers 124.80 vs Le’Veon A Prayer 166.35

After WEEKS of explaining that his team name didn’t make sense, he finally changes it. I mean, its not much better, but at least it probably makes sense to him. Since he spent so much time thinking of a new team name, it looks like he forgot to scour the waiver for quality picks. I hate to say it, but it might be time to throw in the towel on this squad. Michael Crabtree can’t be bailing you out and you got the wrong D.Hopkins on your squad. Anything is possible but its lookin bleak out here – and I ain’t talkin Memphis.

Shorty, you learned the first thing about praises. You been prayin since you beat me and it looks like its payin off. Le’Veon is bringing your squad into the winning ranks. Todd Gurley is showin up. And you showing true GM skills by picking up Hogan during Tom Brady’s comeback game. Lets see how you do when that Vikings D isn’t there to stabilize you though. All in all, good win.

Los Lobos 162.95 vs Trilladelphia Eagles 130.05

Lobos got the good win on the Gawd. I don’t blame him. He been waiting ALL season to try and get me back for the other league beats he caught. I get it. Draft Tom Brady for the Week 5 showdown you see me and he plays the FUCKING BROWNS. THE ORANGE HELMET COLORED BROWNS. Everyone else on his squad played as expected but those can’t get right Browns really know how to fuck up a day. NOT TO FUCKING MENTION THAT TERRENCE WEST GETS 95 YDS ON 11 CARRIES AND THEY STOP FEEDIN HIM.

Listen, I know what’s going on. I go to Richmond, VA for a few weeks and immediately start suffering losses that don’t make sense. I’ll be gone from that place til November, so start expecting the resurgence. It won’t be pretty. They say da Gawd is down, but I’m bout to be back on my grind. Money back on my mind. Brees and Ryan, the league is mine.