Week 4 (Energy)

Energy

I got enemies, got a lot of enemies, got a lot people tryna drain me of my energy.

Tryna take the WAAAAVE from a nigga, fuckin wit DA GAWD – gonna pray for you niggas.

Jay Slob on My Knob 101.55 vs A Team Can’t Get 100 Pts 96.05

What kind of homeless, underground, alleyway bum fight did we witness in this matchup? The no names had big names come up empty. DHop did shit. Cooks did shit.  Remember all that good shit he thought would work a week ago? Remember when I told him the dumb ass 2 RB strategy a la 2008 Panthers wasn’t gonna work? OF COURSE, he didn’t crack 100 pts. Congratulations – you played yourself.

Juan 2.0 on the other hand squeaked by in this D-League matchup. I call it D-League because Jay must be getting his knob slobbed on by Juan. I’m starting to think he’s the “Jay” and Juan is the “Silent Bob” that slobs. How the fuck do you both do that dumb ass trade and BARELY get over 100 points. Fucking insane. Shouts to Amendola going Amendola with a 3^rd string QB in a divisional away game. REAL smart GM’ing. Oh and shouts to thinking OBJ was such a great “addition”. Rumor has it, this is was the aftermath of that dumbass trade.

BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOUR TEAMS TOTAL FUCKING POINTS (INCLUDING BENCH) YOU BOTH COULDN’T BEAT ME!

OBJ is Gay & Keeps the Wins Away 104.70 vs Le’Veon is Back 120.30

Trevor Fucking Siemian. TREVOR FUCKING SIEMIAN. I offer you elite QBs and you like “Nah bruh, I like getting fucked in this league. I like trading away a player I named my team after and get NO FUCKING RESULTS for it. ” I know for a fact you went to brunch with women in Sunday hats and white lady gloves. You probably laid your jacket over a  rain puddle, held an umbrella and was like “I don’t need football if I got you babe.” But lemme guess, you still ain’t gonna trade for a better QB right? EVEN AFTER I OFFERED ONE FOR GOLDEN TATE……………………………………………………Trevor Fucking Siemian. SMFH. This is probably how your Sundays start.

Le’Veon got his prayers answered and managed an abysmal 120 pts. Is this what you wanted? You wanted Le’Veon to give you enough points to beat the 0-infinity, schizophrenic, TREVOR SIEMIAN STARTING, Pharoah of Fails OBJ team? I hope you’re proud of yourself. I hope you can look yourself in the mirror every morning and realize you stole candy from a baby. Like I’ve been saying since the draft, Carson Palmer ain’t gonna last. So don’t go crying you can’t find a QB - I offered you gold in a world of silver.

Show Me Your Sneads 113.75 vs Los Lobos 155.25

Looks like Quis enjoyed his vacation a lil too much. Like I fucking said last week, Quis was gonna lose. I hope you took a picture like I told you to. It ain’t gonna get any better for this fake #1 squad. Stafford let you down and I don’t think its gonna be getting any better. You’re lucky Spencer Ware was in the game as long as he was. Jamaal is back and its getting cold. When you get knocked out in the playoffs by me, I want you to ask yourself what’s worse - the pain or the hangover?

Lobos got the win right when he needed it. Just like the 3-1 Patriots, he got some great wins while buying time for Tom Terrific. But will he come back as Terrific? Will he light it up and keep throwing to Julian Edelman again? I remember some years ago when he went down with that knee injury. Time flows like a river and history repeats itself homie. BTW, I’d be more upset at this league than me Week 5 – the wrath was built up on their shit talk.

Dick Tip Suckers 117.65 vs 10 Win Abandonments 176.60

The gravy train stops here. You were getting this inflated sense of accomplishment while sucking the life out of scrubs. All of a sudden you got dick smacked by Julio Jones. While I know it was flukey coming from your opponent, realize that you still couldn’t get to 120. The “high hopes” you had for Blount is over. When you’re standing over the ashes and rubble that used to be your team, remember when TY Hilton was on the table for you.

Commandments, congratulations on surviving this week. While Julio Jones was literally the Atlas of your squad, you didn’t have to do much. Since you thought Sunday was such a “Good Day”, I wanna take you down memory lane of how Ice Cube’s brother ended up on that good day. This is exactly how you’re playoff hopes will fucking end as you hobble to a non-playoff berth.

I.B.S 131.50 vs Fartline Bling

I think we should all contribute towards a gift card to Bed, Bath, Beyond to Bowles Movement because he’s running out of beds to shit. While he at least used some Mylanta and FINALLY sat Fitztragic, he still lost to the Lord of Lames. I don’t even have advice for you. At this point, just get some fucking depends so you don’t shit up the rest of this league. You’re just leaving a mess and GIVING AWAY wins.

Fartline was out here sweatin Monday Night hoping he could get that win. The saddest part of this win is that I don’t think it was his own doing. Sunday morning he’s scrambling around looking for advice from others in this league for answers to the following question:

Do I start the home based Joe Flacco against a Raiders defense that’s given up some of the highest totals to QBs OR do I start traveling Eli “Turnover” Manning against the 2^nd best defense in the fucking league. I get it. It’s a tough decision for some people. People like this:

Trilladelphia Eagles 153.35 vs ShuTheBUCup 169.20

Buc is bum. Its solidified. He probably got the best performance he’d get all year and PRAYED to be able to talk shit to da GAWD. For some reason though, his bitchassness flared up on Thursday. He stayed quiet Sunday and as I boarded my flight, I saw Big Ben give this mouse some energy. Enjoy it, because I won’t even get the pleasure of dismantling you in the playoffs.

So I lost. I can take it. So what if Matt Ryan did better than I even expected (although not far fetched considering da Oracle knows all). Unfortunately, the better matched up Rivers decided to flame out. Now I hear everybody talkin’ bout what they gone be. I got high hopes for you niggas – we gone see. You muthafuckas bring you’re A++ game for the Gawd. Just keep track of it all. The fury is building. The shit talk retaliation will only be more severe. Enjoy the early weeks. Now I’m bout to call ya ass an Uber, I got somewhere to be. I hear fairy tales bout how y’all gone run up me – well run up week 5 and we gone see.

Bitches