Going Bad (Week 15)

Week 15 came and the intensity has increased. The pressure of a 1000 elephants has been put on your teams. While some were reduced to rubble, others changed from coal to diamonds. The final four showed us who were the contenders and who the pretenders. I'm not going to give you guys a bunch a hooplah about the season. Instead, let's focus on how these two matchups played out.

Saquon my balls 111.05 vs This Team Iz America 102.95

Gordon, using Currensy's Full Metal song as your battle theme for a comeback was creative. I had to find out what scene in Full Metal Alchemist that the sample came from. Brings a tear to my eye to see how you almost resurrected your team's soul while its was standing at the gates of hell. It almost happened too when CMC had to throw a 50 yd TD. I really wanted you to win this week for very selfish reasons though. I wanted to be the one to knock you out. Unfortunately, the combination of James Conner, James White, and the Giants forgetting what defense (or offense) looks like has preventing you from reaching that higher level.

See I held on to a picture of you sleeping with drool on the hand for an occasion just like this. You fell asleep at the wheel while having Mike Williams on the bench. You drafted so well when everyone thought you were just joking around with your picks. At times, I thought it was ridiculous but you proved everyone you had the love for Fantasy Football to put together a strong squad. Rough way to go homie. Thanks again for Kareem Hunt - the trifecta wouldn't have been a thing without him. Hopefully you enjoyed the ride this season.

Juan, out of all the mortals in these league, it is only YOU that has believed in the powers that Da GAWD exhibits. For such faith, you've been granted access to the coveted Championship. Each week on Sunday Night or Monday Night - you had to pray, let go and let GAWD. Through all the turmoil and sleepless nights, you've been blessed with the opportunity to come away this season with second place. Week 15 was no different. Your night opened up with CMC throwing the TD that Cam should've thrown. But instead of panicking, you simply went to sleep (as usual) to avoid the massacre that could've happened.

Count these blessings you've seen this season as they will keep you warm. Others in this league could use this type of faith for next season as they plan for ways to get to second place like you. I'll take it easy on you in Week 16.



Special Ed 142.00 vs DA GAWD Corleone 181.25

Ed, I took great pleasure in watching your futile attempts to stop me. This finale was set in motion since Week 3. Back on September 18th, you accepted a John Brown trade for Derrick Henry. You laughed and thought "got em; Derrick Henry won't be shit". Little did you know that DA GAWD plays cosmic chess - this shit ain't even close to checkers. I used Derrick Henry like the Manchurian Candidate so that he could go off  in Weeks 14 and 15 in the event that I met up with you. All this was done to humble you and testify to the awesome powers of DA GAWD. I warned you in your Week 11 recap that all of this would happen. I'M SO FUCKIN' OMNIPOTENT THAT I MADE WENTZ ABANDON YOU TWICE IN ONE SEASON WHEN YOU PLAYED  ME.  This unfortunate series of events must have you thinking of the movie "Groundhog Day".

All season you doubted DA GAWD's abilities. Down to the bitter end, when the DA GAWD offered to accept a prayer for Baker Mayfield, you still lacked the faith. As a result, he put up a paltry 15 points. Meanwhile, Nick Chubb busted out a 40 yd run to get himself into double digits. The plagues didn't stop there though. Like Moses warned Ramses, you kept denying my powers. For each denial, a dud player developed. Saquon nowhere to be found in a game that didn't have Odell Beckham? Unthinkable. Lamar Miller getting hurt in the first quarter and out for the game? No way. Amari Cooper putting in a pedestrian performance after going nuclear the week before? Impossible. Yet it all happened. To add insult to injury, your kicker managed to grant NEGATIVE points for the day like he was a defense. It don't get more plague-y than that. You're only saving grace was the fact DA GAWD had DHop in another league where he still reigns supreme.

I hope you've been humbled by this experience. See you later.



We all knew this day would come. When DA GAWD would reach the pinnacle of Fantasy performance and rise in the chip. DA GAWD has answered prayers, delivered miracles, and absolutely dominated your teams all season. The non-believers were humbled each time and came to realize the power that I/He truly has. Each week, Da GAWD predicted plays with 95% accuracy and hasn't let down anyone all season. DA GAWD is not THE God but DA GAWD. Reaching  back to back chips and conquering another galaxy in a single season is no easy fate. I've haven't just survived. In the universe, I've lost:

• Melvin Gordon
• Aaron Jones
• Jay Ajayi
• Carlos Hyde
• Rex Burkhead
• Marquis Goodwin
• Spencer Ware
• Austin Sefarian Jenkins
• Corey Clement

I think Bill Murray describes the plight of being a GAWD perfectly. I'll let him do the rest of the talking. (Andy McDowell is the trophy - I don't have time to make Gifs. That comes later)

"If you really wanna ball till you fall when your back against the wall and a bunch a niggas need you go to away - Still goin' bad on em anyway."

#Amen

Intro (Week 14)

FINALLY. All the hours spent researching start em sit ems, trade values, and sifting through a depleted waiver wire has gotten us here. THE FIRST WEEK OF THE FANTASY PLAYOFFS. Before I begin recapping the 4 teams that played this week, let's pour out some liquor for our fallen soldiers that couldn't start the correct defense or realize that the Yahoo app had a chat feature. We're all blessed to be in upper echelon of fantasy and we shouldn't take it for granted. Its the end game now. Lets review the results of our first round.

ShuTheBucUp 104.30 vs This Team Iz America 147.20

Hector, you fought real hard to get here. Its no surprise that you lost this game, but you should pat yourself on the back for earning a playoff spot. You went into the first week of the playoffs with a ragtag bunch consisting of Adam Humphries, Bruce (who is he?) Ellington, Curtis 5th option Samuel, and Jordy "Weak in the Knees" Nelson. That lineup is worse than the movie "The Replacements" where people thought Keanu Reeves could be an athlete. You stood tall and took the beating that was due. I hate to get sentimental in a league full of mediocrity, but I think you deserve the speech from Friday Night Lights.

Being great isn't about that scoreboard. Its not about winning. Its about you and your relationship with the girlfriend that distracted you from being a real contender. Being great is about looking her in the eye and KNOW, that you didn't let them down because you told her the truth. The truth is you're bad. There's not one more thing you could've done. You couldn't help Fournette barely playing on a team that collapsed as a defense. Can you live in that moment? With clear eyes and love in your heart. With Aaron Rodgers on your bench most of the season. If you can do that, then you're great. I want you take a moment and look her in the eye, and tell her that you quit fantasy football......forever. I want you to think about Ed, your friend....and that he was happy to take your place as a better fantasy football player.

Gordon, congratulations on advancing to the semi-finals in the playoffs. After everyone lambasted you for trading me Kareem Hunt, it looks like it wouldn't have mattered in the end. You picked a prime spot to lose James Conner considering your opponent bobs for apples in the toilet - and likes it. Your lineup is poised for a monumental matchup next week against Juan and I honestly hope you win. Through all the ups and downs, you've persevered to establish yourself as not a comedian that plays fantasy football - but a true fantasy footballer that happens to tell jokes.

While this wasn't your best output, you should be happy you still have Andrew Luck to guide you to glory and hopefully your RBs come back to form. There will be even larger obstacles for you ahead. Think of this upcoming matchup as that time in 300 when Leonidas and crew were about to get smacked by that group while piling up bodies. Its your second to last battle and you still have hope on your side. Just be wary of hunchbacks that can destroy everything you've worked for while standing up to a GAWD.



Destroyer of Gawds 120.20 vs Green eggs and SAM 187.50

Quis, this week showed us what it would be like if Marvin Lewis coached the Steelers. With all the weapons available to you all season, you have been plagued by injuries, mismanagement, and sheer bad luck. The week you need them most, Melvin Gordon and Odell Beckham abandoned you in the heat of battle. Philip Lindsay decided to do his best Nightcrawler impression and Lesean McCoy acted like he really wanted to play for the Bills. As much as I'm entertained by Shorty during the regular season, your banana peel slips in the playoffs are unmatched. You still hold the record for losing a chip to a guy that starts a TE that threw to the WR to stack points, but this is a whole new level of bad luck. We all know you're better than the results show, but man is it funny to witness.

Take solace in the fact that you won't lose your job as playoff contender and that you'll be right here again next year - when you lose to someone that has to start a 3rd string TE and a 4th string QB.



Ed, I hope you're happy you benefited from DA GAWD's very own blessings. By luck, you had both DHop and Cooper in this galaxy while their triumphs reverberated through the cosmos and blessed you too. I hope you took notice that DA GAWD took the extra effort in starting a great lineup to show you that even at your best, you're still no match for Da GAWD's 232 points. Call it a preview of what's to come.

Regardless, you have managed a fantastic season to this point. While struggling to score points, you got enough wins and had your players show up when it mattered most. As Hector passes the torch of hatred of me from himself to you, realize that with great power comes great responsibility. Don't get crushed from the weight of all the greatness that is expected of you. It will be great and it will be tough. I look forward to our re-match of last year.



#Amen

Amen (Week 13)

Turbulence...is the price we pay....for flying high. Through all the hell and high water that the season offered, me/Him has kept us. We've gotten to this point, regardless of what we had to deal with (catastrophic injuries, under-performers, league altering trades, dumb gms).....because me/Him loves us so much. Now bless each and every one of us as we embark on the playoffs. Let's recap on how we got here and provide the eulogies for those that couldn't make it to the great beyond.

No Longer a Champ 96.55 vs Ended on a High Note 108.05

Adam, I'm happy I don't have to write your recaps anymore. All season you held out hope that Leveon would play. You turned down every trade that could have saved your season. Its like you were at the blackjack table showing 20 and said "hit me". To add insult to injury, your weekly struggles to get to 100 points in this league is Nathan Peterman worthy. You didn't belong here this season. Be happy that you have a chip under your belt AND that you're friends with everyone because this season's performance should've gotten you cut a long time ago. The ball in this image represents winning.




Shorty, you're my favorite unlucky fantasy football player. Each week you provided the "will he/won't he" drama of losing in comical fashion. I'm actually sad to see you not compete in the playoffs. Your team of Brees and Kamara reminded me of Eminem and D-12. Those stars just couldn't support the rest of that failing rag-tag bunch of waiver pickups you call a team. In my book, you're a perennial league player, you just ran into bad luck two seasons in a row. Rest easy big homie.



ShuTheDoorOnGerald 116.95 vs Mute Dave 121.55

Well Hector, you managed to backdoor your way into the playoffs. You were a long shot to make it in the first place, but you did. Your fantasy life was spared for one more week. I really hope that your team doesn't become the Adam of last year, but I highly doubt it. Just imagine if Gerald won his game - you'd be pissed. I don't have much else to say because you're alive and I'd rather save it for the Week 14 recap. Carry on.



In place of Mute Dave's recap, I figured I'd donate his recap to the Women's Shelters of America (nobody wants to read about Mute Dave anymore anyway).

I just want you all to ask yourselves if you would have dropped Kareem Hunt after news of the video and not seeing it, or after the Chiefs released him from team. I had to ask myself if I simply believed the allegations without proof or if I knew the media push would doom him regardless. I still don't know. Now ask yourself if Jay Z released the video while playing against Matthew Berry in a fantasy league....I bet he'd have that type of pull and wouldn't think twice about it. OR MAYBE IT WAS SOLANGE! 

Mute Dave, I'm happy your done.

The Black Zombie 114.50 vs Saquon my balls 139.80

I warned you for weeks that this could happen Gerald. While you tried to wheel and deal trades to avoid this situation, I think it was inevitable. One of your first mistakes was trying to get cute with Jordy Nelson. Then you kept thinking you could be a GAWD. Within a matter of time, you've been reduced to a rotting corpse still trying to enjoy a consolation game. Don't do anymore research. Don't set a proper lineup. Just sit on the sidelines and remember what it was like to be human. Hopefully the have a cure for the T-Virus when we draft next year.

Juan, congratulations on the other bye week. Honestly, you deserved it. Every Sunday and Monday Night, you had to avert your eyes while watching your team lose or almost lose. At one point, you looked destined to fall from grace out of the upper echelon, but you crawled back to sit atop the anointed. You'll have your work cut out for you in Week 15. So sit back and relax on this league while you figure out where things went wrong in your other league. 

SuperCrack 133.20 vs Green Eggs and SAM 129.00

Trav, thank you for beating Ed and putting him back in his place. Other than that, we know where you stand. So now I'm going to use this recap to draft my letter to Melvin so that he plays this week. 

Dear Mr. Gordon,

First and foremost, I want to thank you for being a pillar in my galaxy-wide domination of 4 leagues. I'm writing to you so that we can all win our respective championships. Your sprained MCL is no laughing matter and we need to address it. I beg of you to play Week 14 - both of our playoff hopes depend on it. In return for your sacrifice, I'll donate to a good cause in Waukesha, WI. No don't overextend yourself either. I want you to be healthy. I want to see your grandkids play with my grandkids in the future because I helped save the knee that won a Championship for the DA GAWD and DA CHARGA'S. In that future you would have gone on to be the leading rusher of all time. 

Signed - Da GAWD

And he'd joke and say "How did you know?" And I'd tell him I'm a Fantasy Football Gawd.

Ed, you seem to be cruisin' for a bruisin'. All season you've defied my warnings against your team. With your cupcake early wins and your bullshit schedule, you've managed to stick around for the playoffs. Unfortunately for you, both you AND the Jets will lose Week 14 for your blaspheming ways. Its not easy being green. Until then, keep focusing on the idea that you can defeat me.

This Team Iz Hurt 136.85 vs Destroyer of Gawds 150.50

Gordon, you must be reeling from Week 13's cruel jokes. Just like Da GAWD in another galaxy, Jared Goff was started and he was a dud. Looks like both lost a bit of something in our trade with each other. I lost Hunt and you lost the bye week. To add insult to injury, James Conner goes down when you need him the most. EVEN WORSE, is that your kicker and your favorite team put up a whopping 0 points. Truly sad. I can definitely feel the hurt emanating from your team. Just remember that you have a strong team while competing Week 14. 

Quis, what else should I have expected but for you to be in the playoffs. You are the 90-94 Buffalo Bills of this league. You have great performances and stay in the mix no matter the setbacks or the schedule laid before you. While it would be my PLEASURE to knock you out of the playoffs personally, I'm not so sure I'll even play you. I'll be looking very closely at your Week 14 matchup as my source of entertainment in this league. I'll let the other GAWDs know of the mortal that has challenged us all. 

No One Had a Shot 68.55 vs Da GAWD 158.05 

Jesus, you're another GM that I'm sad to see not make it to the playoffs. As last year's most wins and points holder, this must have felt like quite the let down this season. You had some pretty bad luck with your players and even worse luck with your schedule. When Da GAWD wins, I will instate a rule where every player has to donate 5 dollars towards your one way plane ticket for the draft. Other than that, you're on your own. It was a pleasure beating you twice. 

You all had to know this was how the season would end as soon as you saw my potential in Week 2. DA GAWD has absolutely ravaged each of your teams and no sits on high in the coveted #1 bye week slot. The playoffs are here and its the new testament - except I'm the last 5 chapters. The Revelation of my very calculated season is upon you. The Rapture is here. 

 

The Flute Song (Week 12)

Week 12 is in the books and it seemed a bit uneventful. Some teams climbed the rankings to make a comeback of the ages while others continue to fall farther from Olympus. I hope each of you cherished those moments with your loved ones this Thanksgiving. That's the last time they'll see you with hope and happiness in your eyes. Lets review the mistakes you all made.


Why Bother 92.35 vs This Team Iz America 179.65

Trav, I'm sure you didn't care this week - just like I didn't care. Just hold on. Week 13 is around the corner and it'll be all over. You can start to focus on next season. You'll have a future again. For now, just watch football like a normal fan and resume your normal Sunday activities. You can start planning for the next 3-4 weeks of things to do. In the next recap, I'll just list links for deal from Expedia or something. We'll call it your participation trophy.



Gordon, welcome back to the bye week. You've experienced quite the turbulent season to end up back here. With a strong score from this week and maybe a bit of help in Week 13, you can rest easy during Week 14. Now I'm only giving you this next bit of advice because I want to make the chip competitive. James White will no longer be the James White that has supported your team. Start thinking of ways to replace him now. Don't say I never did anything for you.



No One Cared Enough 115.40 vs ShuTheBucUp 160.40

Damn Jesus. Just when you were starting to make a strong comeback in the league. Looks like you couldn't escape the inevitable. Take solace in the fact that you wouldn't have won the chip even if you did make the playoffs. I'm wondering if this was simply the effect of drafting via Juan's phone/internet issues. Next season, we might have to consider getting you a Facebook Portal so that you can draft like you're in the room. Below is a glimpse of your final moments before the Walking Dead got you.



Hector, its good to see you with such high hopes. You out here flippin' those rubber tree plants and climbing right back in the playoffs. However, your quest isn't over young one. You have to protect this spot from those that may attempt to take it back. I advise telling your girl that you can't see the Nutcracker Radio City Music Hall Spectacular during Week 13. You have more important tasks. Keep training and you might go down against me Week 15.



The Vacant Lot 151.55 vs Green Eggs and SAM 202.30

Now that I own Adam's recaps, I'd like to talk about the genius behind Nickelodeon's Doug. His name is Fred Newman. He was pretty much the White version of the mouth sound guy from Police Academy. Fun fact, his daughter is an actress and was on Alpha House (not that I watched it). Bottom line, there's a lot of people talented out there and they're all better and more interesting than Adam's team.

Ed, congratulations on your first 200 pt game. I'm going to tip my halo to you because I thought you were a goner in terms of playoff potential. While you probably can't get the bye week anymore, just count your blessings that you're still in the playoffs. I wish I could put more plagues on your team, but I share too many players with you in other galaxies. Instead, I'll let someone else take you out Week 14. But well done this season. Back to back playoff berths is a good way to start.



The Falling Star 138.00 vs Mute Dave 158.95

After counting everyone's wins and losses, and it appears Gerald didn't pay closer attention to his own team's ability to stay in the playoffs. Week 12 has shown that there are too many zombies out in these streets and they're taking no prisoners. I always thought zombies liked brains, but clearly that's wrong because you didn't have the brains to start Watson. Even so, there's nothing you could've done to turn this week around. You lost. Simple as that. May the Week 13 odds be ever in your favor.



Dave - I hate you.



The Destroyer of Gawds 143.25 vs Saquon my balls 146.90

This match-up was the only one worth following this week. Quis, you and Juan both managed to leave some points on the bench, except your points on the bench lost you the matchup. How you start a WR3 over a RB1a is beyond me. You should be ashamed of yourself.



Juan went through Sunday morning mass to commune with Da Mortal GAWD. He asked for Da GAWD's divine wisdom and was blessed with it. However, prayers without actions are simply wishes. DA GAWD instructed him to start Njoku but failed to do so. While DA GAWD still blessed him with a win, those lack of points will come to haunt him while hunting for the bye week. So far though, I'm happy to see Juan managed to stay in the playoffs with such a turbulent season.



LightKamaraAction 120.95 vs DA GAWD 153.50

Shorty, I'm sorry to see you go out like this. We're 1 more week out and you can just focus on the Steelers' postseason hopes. You can still enjoy the thrill of a touchdown and celebrate in a meaningful way. I don't have much else to say that hasn't been said, so I'll just save all of my season long ridicule for you during the Week 13 recap.



If there was ever a week I was SUPPOSED to lose, it was this one. In mortal form, Da GAWD still outscored half the league. I don't know how the rest of you walk around in these flesh bags, but this feels disgusting. Now that Week 13 is upon us, the GAWD has ascended again. I may or may not have left a demi-gawd on Earth. So next season, don't be surprised if there are other unexplained wonders in the world. Anyway, nothing new to see here. I'm just here to show you all how good it is to be me, and how bad it is to be you.

#Amen

Thanksgiving (Week 11.5)

*Play the song til 0:28*

I just wanna thank Gawd
For all the wins he let into my life
All the wins he let me count
Wealth and health
For my family
And lettin' me ball on these niggas.

Waddup fellas. 

I figured I'd give y'all a preview what would run through my head during prayer before Thanksgiving Dinner 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not sure if its the weed, the lack of my trifecta this week (making me mortal), or the simple merriment of the Alcoholidays, but I appreciate this league. A mere mortal has learned the value of being thankful this season. Its all thanks to those guys. Watching their teams squirm, claw, gnaw and Leonardo DiCraprio themselves for a CHANCE at getting the chip is truly awe-inspiring. My team is so dominant, I'm a whole 3 games ahead of the next person. I have so many points, I could take a game off. But what is DA GAWD most thankful for?

He's thankful that they all have allowed me to "Purge" on their teams. For 12 weeks, Da GAWD has dominated in the digital AND mental arenas. I can hear the echo of 1000 screams from 1 of his 4 galaxies that are being conquered at this verymoment........... In another galaxy, DA GAWD had an 11% chance to win. And then won by 5. In another league - won by 8, against the 2nd highest total of the week. DA GAWD was even able to  complete a trifecta consisting of Kelce the son, Hunt the father, and Mahomes the holy ghost. 

That's what I'm thankful for.

Da Gawd is good, Da Gawd is great, let us thank him for this win.

The picture above wasn't that good. It was bad idea to have the green accent wall. Stupid risk. Anyway, I realized I was looking at my wedding photo and remembering what it was like to have skin - in a mortal's body. Then I looked back at the silverware and don't understand why their is placement of utensil etiquette.

And then I thought I'd let you guys know that thanksgiving is about celebrating with friends, family and loved ones.....who else would you brag about a dominating season to? 

#Happy Thanksgiving 

#Amen

Nightmares Of The Bottom (Week 11)

Here we are. Week 11 was so dynamic that Yahoo's database couldn't keep track of the stats and the wins. At this point, we have officially entered the territory where our league resembles the life cycle of the Tiger Salamander. Some of you laid dormant and finally developed teeth to take out your playoff bound brethren. Some of you are just bait. Either way, no one is safe (except DA GAWD) on their way to Valhalla. You can't continue to sleep at the top without nightmares of the bottom. Let's review.

Failure to Launch 107.25 vs Saquon my balls 194.65

Gordon, this was quite the shock this week. With only James White and Jarvis Landry on bye, you would've struggled to hit 100 pts if it wasn't for Jared Goff. For the record, Jared Goff's 47 monstrous points were more than the 20+ pts from Hunt, but that's neither here nor there. Damn shame when you match the point production of the worst team in the league. Bottom line, you got caught slippin and fell out of the coveted bye week slot. However, DA GAWD delivers on his promises and you will reside in the bye week slot when the playoffs begin. #amen.



Juan is a testament to the value of communing with DA GAWD prior to your match-ups. By reaching out to DA GAWD, he was blessed with his optimum lineup with the atomic game coming from Freak Hill. He even went the extra mile of starting his opponent's better TE which left Ebron with a goose egg. Not to be overlooked, this performance allowed Juan to leapfrog his way into a temporary 2nd place position and have the 2nd highest point total of the week. Congratulations on your redemption.
You and the Black Panther turned into Thundercats. Playoffs, Playoffs, PlayoffBerth...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO




TravyCrack 107.65 vs Beard in the North 130.55

You know Trav, I just don't get it. You appear to be quite normal. You have all 5 senses. You walk erect. Yet you often act like a girl at work that's joining a fantasy league JUST to get closer to a work crush. Somehow, you've managed a lowly 1 fucking win in a league that has people draft Jordy Nelson in the 4th round. I've never seen someone own TWO defenses that BOTH score -4 points in the same week. Last week you mustered a respectable week against DA GAWD but now you follow up with this pathetic performance? From here on out you have 1 job. Ruin as many playoff hopes as possible. Hit the waivers and be active. You might catch up to Beard's win total (you only need 2 more).



Adam, I can't congratulate you on this win, since you sucked all season. However, it appears the all-spark has transformed your team back into a dangerous zombie. Here are your mission directives. Special Ed is convinced that he will be in the playoffs. Your job is to put together a scrappy crappy team of replacements led by Keanu Reeves to destroy Ed's QB-less, TE-less mediocre team. This isn't a tough ask, just act like you deserve that trophy you won last year and you keep your spot. Resurrect yourself to new heights.




The Ballad of Shorty 113.05 vs ShuTheBucUp 144.10

Damn Shorty, just when you were making a mad dash towards the playoffs, Hector stuck out his foot and you fell on your face. It just like that Stranger Things recap I had last season where you were the Sean Astin character that almost made it out the building. Instead you've been gouged and eaten alive and left for dead. I can even see how desperate you were this week by chasing Nelson Agholor's touches from the previous week. Sorry it ended this way Shorty. Look on the bright side though, you face me without my tri-fecta. You might exact the revenge you've been waiting to give me all season. Or maybe you fall on your face again.



Looks like Hector's "Mute Dave" impression is paying off. After spending much of the season searching for his balls like Easter eggs, he finally back in contention for a playoff spot. The Christian Kirk desperation start paid dividends to him. What could be even better is Hector taking Ed's playoff spot and telling him "Thanks for keeping it warm for me". Then, DA GAWD can once again destroy Hector so he goes back to his girl burying his head in her bosom like a 6month old breast feeding baby that's dealing with diaper rash. Continue your playoff run Hector, we got plans.



BigBlkHole 126.50 vs No One 131.10

You know those scenes in movies/real life when your a freshman in college and the teacher says "look to your left, look to your right, some of you won't be here by the end of the year". In this case, I warned everyone that each week the walking dead would sneak up on you. If you didn't get bit by Sunday night and your game was over, then clearly it was gonna be you Gerald. I mean, its not really your fault, but you should've sent up the prayers. By the grace of me, I could've saved your team. Maybe removed that Reynolds TD. Next time, you gotta aim for the head to kill the zombies.



Jesus, that was an entertaining matchup to see come out. When Reynolds caught the first TD, I didn't even know you had him. Then I notice that you had the Chiefs kicker. Each quarter you and Gerald traded WR blows while everyone wondered why Malcolm Brown's name kept being called. Your Angels in the Endzone imitation paid off. By the end of the game, you didn't even want the angels to help you. You simply wanted this win all on your own and you got it. Congratulations and keep fighting to stay playoff relevant. The upset will be fun to watch.



The Young & The Useless 144.64 vs Destroyer of Gawds 174.95

<Vacant lot sign> Seems we have a vacant lot here. Shit Sippin' GMs will be towed away. Since no one cares what he does anyway, I'm going to take the time to describe DA GAWD voice. Think of those metal things they use to mimic the sound of thunder in movies. Now imagine those metal things made of adamantium. NOW think of those adamantium metal things being the building block of my vocal chords. That's the sound that happens after every #amen and my prophesies come true. I like that. Mute Dave, your recaps are now the property of DA GAWD until the end of the season. No one wants to hear (get it? cause he's mute) about your suck-ass team anyway.



Quis, you've been putting together a solid performance on the low. You have a balanced attack at WR, TE, RB, QB and even managed 21 points from a defense that gave up 51 points on Monday. Clearly someone is going to have to go through you to reach the semi-finals of the playoffs. Luckily Da GAWD already has a bye week, so hopefully DA GAWD will face off with you once more and get the revenge I deserve. Just think, DA GAWD might get a chip before Quis. Its like I'm on that priority boarding to the chip while you on stand-by.



Special Ed  128.50 vs A$AP Touchdowns, aka The Legend of Zelda, aka Gawdstradamus aka DA GAWD 194.80

Everybody wanna act fly til you swat em. Week 4 you were sleeping at the top without nightmares of the bottom. Now that you've tumbled down the playoff seeds, I'd like to take some time and ridicule you at a molecular level. Inside your chromosomes is a defective loss gene that was implanted by DA GAWD to curse every QB you started since last year. Unfortunately, the symptoms of your plague take so long that there is no cure or repentance that could stop what has already been set in motion. BTW, its funny that you brought up the idea of getting the better end of a trade when I grabbed Derrick Henry for John Brown. That's where the plague started.  John Brown lit it up for you - for a time. Then it took a turn for the worse. I'd take a picture of John Brown's game log for the last 3 weeks, but it might get censored because its the equivalent to the logs left in toilet Bowles (see what I did there Jet fan?). He has been straight up basura the last few weeks. This week you were forced to hold a spot for John Brown instead of getting a better quality QB. (I know - diabolical the way I set up your fall from grace). You know who has 4 tds over the last 3 weeks? Derrick "Can't Quit Him" Henry. Damn DA GAWD is good. I been cookin' up this win for a month! That's how I crock-potted your team! You won't be able to EdVANCE your way to the playoffs this year buddy. FURTHERMORE, you must've thought that Carson Wentz wasn't on DA GAWD's payroll. He owed DA GAWD. He failed you in your time of need because he owed ME! Here's a clip of his testimony.

Guys, I got nothin' new to say. I'm great. My vocabulary has reached the maximum limit of applicable adjectives to represent my awesomeness. So instead, the snow storm that happened this week inspired me to give you a guys a little story about the reigning Superbowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles.

There was a recent study that there was a baby boom in Philadelphia in November which is 9 months after the Superbowl. DA GAWD's GOSPEL WILL SPREAD LIKE THE SEED OF CHEESESTEAK EATERS THAT PRONOUNCE BAGELS AS "BEGEL". The build up is here. DA GAWD will finally own 4 chips in a single fantasy season. 4/4. It'll be the "Wendy" season.




#Amen

Sacrifices (Week 10)

Week 10 is in the books and it looks like Gawdstradamus' predictions have come true again. Last week I warned each one of you on the playoff bubble that its World War Z out here. Teams that were cast out from the playoff hunt have been gnawing and clawing at your ankles to take you out of the playoff hunt. Let's see who lived to see another day and who ended up closer to skid row.

Green Eggs and WHAM 113.70 vs ShuTheBucUp 149.55

Ed, I warned you way back in your Week 4 recap that your team is shined up shit. Well the shine is finally starting to wear off. This week you started the QB that was FEEDING your opposing TE. It was a damn smorgasbord of TDs and catches to Ertz. Even DHop wasn't going to save this pitiful performance. You face DA GAWD next, so your slide out of the playoffs is almost complete. Thank everyone on the way down the way you should've thank'd them on the way up.



Better late than never, right Hector? You finally let your nuts drop in this game. Maybe it was because you were playing the friend that let us know that your balls are held in the vicegrip of your girl, or maybe you wanted to remind him how he got in this league in the first place. Either way, well done this week. I have to admit, I thought you were toast the second I saw Big Ben on your bench but you pulled it off. Decisions like that won't get you in the playoffs, but at least you spoiled someone else's chances.




Next Year's Open Spot 144.10 vs Saquon My Balls 145.25

Dave, you had one job as a zombie. To be 1 pt shy of spoiling, you left MULTIPLE players on the bench that would've gotten you the win. You started Larry Fitzgerald like its 2011 still while Corey Davis is flying up the charts. I'm sure you told everyone a sob story about how many points you had on the bench and "how could I start Kerryon when they're playing the Bears?!?!" but we all know you're a part-time player. I won't come to your office and expose the fact fantasy player that you are, but I want YOU to know deep down inside that you are not cut out for this.



Juan, you did it again. A prime-time, late-night showdown that you fell asleep through. This time you woke up to the pleasant surprise of Mute Dave's failure. Your matchup was the equivalent of watching someone JUST close the door behind them as the zombie reaches out to bite their leg. You live to fight another week and keep your playoff hopes alive. All the duds from last week turned back into studs. While you still need a new QB, you can still shake things up over the next few weeks. Thanks for the entertainment.



BigBlkPipeChokr 118.65 vs LightKamaraAction 155.85

What a disappointing week. When DA GAWD saw you on Sunday, he felt the energy of someone not primed to win their matchup. That same sense was the feeling I had when I walked into the bar and saw all the Jets fan and KNEW the Bills were gonna smash em. See, DA GAWD don't look at numbers or stats. He just gets cosmic energy and translates it into winning and losing. You sir, had the spirit of a loser before the matchup even began. Granted, there wasn't much you could do about the onslaught of Brees and Kamara, but DA GAWD himself pulled off his win in another galaxy against the same tandem. That's the difference between DA GAWD and demi-GAWDs. Now pick yourself up and try to keep a playoff spot, because some new blood is rising.

Well Shorty, looks like there's more life left in you than originally thought. You came out with the Reunion Tour of Brees and Kamara. You punished Gerald's spirits and then stepped on his neck when Breida and Kittle finished him off. Not to rain on this parade, but I think you were in a similar situation last year. A bad start. A name change. A late season charge to the playoffs to only come up short. I believe it was previewed in last year's recap "Stranger Things Edition" when I compared you to Sean Astin's character as he almost made it out the medical facility. I digress.....Good win this week.



Loser in the Eye of the Leveon Holder 90.10 vs This Team Iz America 153.70

Jesus H. Fuckin' Christ. Adam your team is literally the worst fantasy team I've ever seen from an active participant. If it weren't for David Johnson, you'd be STRUGGLING to get to 70 pts. Your team is ridiculously safe to play against each week. You are a guaranteed win. Your team is the equivalent of a man that wears old-school turtle neck sweaters and knits hats for the models in his miniature dioramas that he's been making since he was 5 years old. You better be really happy that we don't have a league punishment because you are certainly deserving of it. God damn you suck.



Ho-hum, another win for Gordon against a sub-par team. More of the same from last week I see. I score the highest in the league and then you score the second highest. Having Gordon in the league this year is a double-edged sword. On one hand, its amazing how well he drafted and I will most likely be seeing him in the chip. On the other hand, I wouldn't have had such a dominant season without him. In a previous galaxy, I lost to Gordon by gloating too early similar to how I lost Week 8. Fool me once.........Never letting you touch the chip.



No One Stepped Up 122 vs 133.60

Jesus, your matchup proved the powers of DA GAWD. When Da GAWD offered you the Mike Davis blessing, you got greedy. As a gracious GAWD, I fulfilled my promise and blessed him with a TD. But Kupp had to be sacrificed. You needed to know that as easy as the blessings come, they go just as quickly. I still think you got a decent shot at knocking someone out the playoffs - or die tryin'.



Quis, you were on edge on Sunday. Tom Brady's dud had you thinking you were on a slide. Luckily you pulled through with a win. Now that the stage is beginning to set, I will bless you with a playoff spot. Preferably, I will play you Week 15. You'll be high on getting a playoff win and then you'll face me. I'll make sure I take a video recap of my daughter laughing at the fact your team loss. Its only right.



SuperCrack 142.65 vs Da GAWd aka GAWDSTRADAMUS, aka A$AP Touchdowns 181.95

Trav, you fought valiantly this week. It felt like even though you're dead last, you had something to prove. Its like you tried to show the league and the world that DA GAWD was fake. That you could David my Goliath team. Unfortunately those are just stories and you went down like Leonidas. On the bright side, nobody expected much from you. So even with you best performance in quite a while, you were still doomed by DA GAWD curse. Here's to hoping you can stick around by next year and learn your lesson about picking DA GAWD's players.



After an absolutely dominant Week 9, DA GAWD has followed up with the most points in the league - AGAIN. The hieroglyphics in Egypts pyramids have foretold this type of season. DA GAWD has made prediction after prediction. I turned Nick Chubb into gold. I got Julio Jones TDs when no one thought it was possible. DERRICK FUCKIN' HENRY IS POPPIN'. Its a marathon not a sprint AND i I gotta win the race........And I'm convinced, I make sacrifices - I been ballin ever since. We seein so many blessings shit don't make no sense. Someone watchin' over us so shout goes out to him/me. Yeah I did some wrong, I had no choice in my defense. I had to trade Goff for Hunt during a panic attack.



#Amen