Week 10 is in the books and it looks like Gawdstradamus' predictions have come true again. Last week I warned each one of you on the playoff bubble that its World War Z out here. Teams that were cast out from the playoff hunt have been gnawing and clawing at your ankles to take you out of the playoff hunt. Let's see who lived to see another day and who ended up closer to skid row.
Green Eggs and WHAM 113.70 vs ShuTheBucUp 149.55
Ed, I warned you way back in your Week 4 recap that your team is shined up shit. Well the shine is finally starting to wear off. This week you started the QB that was FEEDING your opposing TE. It was a damn smorgasbord of TDs and catches to Ertz. Even DHop wasn't going to save this pitiful performance. You face DA GAWD next, so your slide out of the playoffs is almost complete. Thank everyone on the way down the way you should've thank'd them on the way up.
Better late than never, right Hector? You finally let your nuts drop in this game. Maybe it was because you were playing the friend that let us know that your balls are held in the vicegrip of your girl, or maybe you wanted to remind him how he got in this league in the first place. Either way, well done this week. I have to admit, I thought you were toast the second I saw Big Ben on your bench but you pulled it off. Decisions like that won't get you in the playoffs, but at least you spoiled someone else's chances.
Next Year's Open Spot 144.10 vs Saquon My Balls 145.25
Dave, you had one job as a zombie. To be 1 pt shy of spoiling, you left MULTIPLE players on the bench that would've gotten you the win. You started Larry Fitzgerald like its 2011 still while Corey Davis is flying up the charts. I'm sure you told everyone a sob story about how many points you had on the bench and "how could I start Kerryon when they're playing the Bears?!?!" but we all know you're a part-time player. I won't come to your office and expose the fact fantasy player that you are, but I want YOU to know deep down inside that you are not cut out for this.
Juan, you did it again. A prime-time, late-night showdown that you fell asleep through. This time you woke up to the pleasant surprise of Mute Dave's failure. Your matchup was the equivalent of watching someone JUST close the door behind them as the zombie reaches out to bite their leg. You live to fight another week and keep your playoff hopes alive. All the duds from last week turned back into studs. While you still need a new QB, you can still shake things up over the next few weeks. Thanks for the entertainment.
BigBlkPipeChokr 118.65 vs LightKamaraAction 155.85
What a disappointing week. When DA GAWD saw you on Sunday, he felt the energy of someone not primed to win their matchup. That same sense was the feeling I had when I walked into the bar and saw all the Jets fan and KNEW the Bills were gonna smash em. See, DA GAWD don't look at numbers or stats. He just gets cosmic energy and translates it into winning and losing. You sir, had the spirit of a loser before the matchup even began. Granted, there wasn't much you could do about the onslaught of Brees and Kamara, but DA GAWD himself pulled off his win in another galaxy against the same tandem. That's the difference between DA GAWD and demi-GAWDs. Now pick yourself up and try to keep a playoff spot, because some new blood is rising.
Loser in the Eye of the Leveon Holder 90.10 vs This Team Iz America 153.70
Jesus H. Fuckin' Christ. Adam your team is literally the worst fantasy team I've ever seen from an active participant. If it weren't for David Johnson, you'd be STRUGGLING to get to 70 pts. Your team is ridiculously safe to play against each week. You are a guaranteed win. Your team is the equivalent of a man that wears old-school turtle neck sweaters and knits hats for the models in his miniature dioramas that he's been making since he was 5 years old. You better be really happy that we don't have a league punishment because you are certainly deserving of it. God damn you suck.
Ho-hum, another win for Gordon against a sub-par team. More of the same from last week I see. I score the highest in the league and then you score the second highest. Having Gordon in the league this year is a double-edged sword. On one hand, its amazing how well he drafted and I will most likely be seeing him in the chip. On the other hand, I wouldn't have had such a dominant season without him. In a previous galaxy, I lost to Gordon by gloating too early similar to how I lost Week 8. Fool me once.........Never letting you touch the chip.
No One Stepped Up 122 vs 133.60
Jesus, your matchup proved the powers of DA GAWD. When Da GAWD offered you the Mike Davis blessing, you got greedy. As a gracious GAWD, I fulfilled my promise and blessed him with a TD. But Kupp had to be sacrificed. You needed to know that as easy as the blessings come, they go just as quickly. I still think you got a decent shot at knocking someone out the playoffs - or die tryin'.
Quis, you were on edge on Sunday. Tom Brady's dud had you thinking you were on a slide. Luckily you pulled through with a win. Now that the stage is beginning to set, I will bless you with a playoff spot. Preferably, I will play you Week 15. You'll be high on getting a playoff win and then you'll face me. I'll make sure I take a video recap of my daughter laughing at the fact your team loss. Its only right.
SuperCrack 142.65 vs Da GAWd aka GAWDSTRADAMUS, aka A$AP Touchdowns 181.95
Trav, you fought valiantly this week. It felt like even though you're dead last, you had something to prove. Its like you tried to show the league and the world that DA GAWD was fake. That you could David my Goliath team. Unfortunately those are just stories and you went down like Leonidas. On the bright side, nobody expected much from you. So even with you best performance in quite a while, you were still doomed by DA GAWD curse. Here's to hoping you can stick around by next year and learn your lesson about picking DA GAWD's players.
After an absolutely dominant Week 9, DA GAWD has followed up with the most points in the league - AGAIN. The hieroglyphics in Egypts pyramids have foretold this type of season. DA GAWD has made prediction after prediction. I turned Nick Chubb into gold. I got Julio Jones TDs when no one thought it was possible. DERRICK FUCKIN' HENRY IS POPPIN'. Its a marathon not a sprint AND i I gotta win the race........And I'm convinced, I make sacrifices - I been ballin ever since. We seein so many blessings shit don't make no sense. Someone watchin' over us so shout goes out to him/me. Yeah I did some wrong, I had no choice in my defense. I had to trade Goff for Hunt during a panic attack.
#Amen
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