Here we are. Week 11 was so dynamic that Yahoo's database couldn't keep track of the stats and the wins. At this point, we have officially entered the territory where our league resembles the life cycle of the Tiger Salamander. Some of you laid dormant and finally developed teeth to take out your playoff bound brethren. Some of you are just bait. Either way, no one is safe (except DA GAWD) on their way to Valhalla. You can't continue to sleep at the top without nightmares of the bottom. Let's review.
Failure to Launch 107.25 vs Saquon my balls 194.65
Gordon, this was quite the shock this week. With only James White and Jarvis Landry on bye, you would've struggled to hit 100 pts if it wasn't for Jared Goff. For the record, Jared Goff's 47 monstrous points were more than the 20+ pts from Hunt, but that's neither here nor there. Damn shame when you match the point production of the worst team in the league. Bottom line, you got caught slippin and fell out of the coveted bye week slot. However, DA GAWD delivers on his promises and you will reside in the bye week slot when the playoffs begin. #amen.
Juan is a testament to the value of communing with DA GAWD prior to your match-ups. By reaching out to DA GAWD, he was blessed with his optimum lineup with the atomic game coming from Freak Hill. He even went the extra mile of starting his opponent's better TE which left Ebron with a goose egg. Not to be overlooked, this performance allowed Juan to leapfrog his way into a temporary 2nd place position and have the 2nd highest point total of the week. Congratulations on your redemption.
You and the Black Panther turned into Thundercats. Playoffs, Playoffs, PlayoffBerth...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
TravyCrack 107.65 vs Beard in the North 130.55
You know Trav, I just don't get it. You appear to be quite normal. You have all 5 senses. You walk erect. Yet you often act like a girl at work that's joining a fantasy league JUST to get closer to a work crush. Somehow, you've managed a lowly 1 fucking win in a league that has people draft Jordy Nelson in the 4th round. I've never seen someone own TWO defenses that BOTH score -4 points in the same week. Last week you mustered a respectable week against DA GAWD but now you follow up with this pathetic performance? From here on out you have 1 job. Ruin as many playoff hopes as possible. Hit the waivers and be active. You might catch up to Beard's win total (you only need 2 more).
Adam, I can't congratulate you on this win, since you sucked all season. However, it appears the all-spark has transformed your team back into a dangerous zombie. Here are your mission directives. Special Ed is convinced that he will be in the playoffs. Your job is to put together a scrappy crappy team of replacements led by Keanu Reeves to destroy Ed's QB-less, TE-less mediocre team. This isn't a tough ask, just act like you deserve that trophy you won last year and you keep your spot. Resurrect yourself to new heights.
The Ballad of Shorty 113.05 vs ShuTheBucUp 144.10
Damn Shorty, just when you were making a mad dash towards the playoffs, Hector stuck out his foot and you fell on your face. It just like that Stranger Things recap I had last season where you were the Sean Astin character that almost made it out the building. Instead you've been gouged and eaten alive and left for dead. I can even see how desperate you were this week by chasing Nelson Agholor's touches from the previous week. Sorry it ended this way Shorty. Look on the bright side though, you face me without my tri-fecta. You might exact the revenge you've been waiting to give me all season. Or maybe you fall on your face again.
Looks like Hector's "Mute Dave" impression is paying off. After spending much of the season searching for his balls like Easter eggs, he finally back in contention for a playoff spot. The Christian Kirk desperation start paid dividends to him. What could be even better is Hector taking Ed's playoff spot and telling him "Thanks for keeping it warm for me". Then, DA GAWD can once again destroy Hector so he goes back to his girl burying his head in her bosom like a 6month old breast feeding baby that's dealing with diaper rash. Continue your playoff run Hector, we got plans.
BigBlkHole 126.50 vs No One 131.10
You know those scenes in movies/real life when your a freshman in college and the teacher says "look to your left, look to your right, some of you won't be here by the end of the year". In this case, I warned everyone that each week the walking dead would sneak up on you. If you didn't get bit by Sunday night and your game was over, then clearly it was gonna be you Gerald. I mean, its not really your fault, but you should've sent up the prayers. By the grace of me, I could've saved your team. Maybe removed that Reynolds TD. Next time, you gotta aim for the head to kill the zombies.
Jesus, that was an entertaining matchup to see come out. When Reynolds caught the first TD, I didn't even know you had him. Then I notice that you had the Chiefs kicker. Each quarter you and Gerald traded WR blows while everyone wondered why Malcolm Brown's name kept being called. Your Angels in the Endzone imitation paid off. By the end of the game, you didn't even want the angels to help you. You simply wanted this win all on your own and you got it. Congratulations and keep fighting to stay playoff relevant. The upset will be fun to watch.
The Young & The Useless 144.64 vs Destroyer of Gawds 174.95
<Vacant lot sign> Seems we have a vacant lot here. Shit Sippin' GMs will be towed away. Since no one cares what he does anyway, I'm going to take the time to describe DA GAWD voice. Think of those metal things they use to mimic the sound of thunder in movies. Now imagine those metal things made of adamantium. NOW think of those adamantium metal things being the building block of my vocal chords. That's the sound that happens after every #amen and my prophesies come true. I like that. Mute Dave, your recaps are now the property of DA GAWD until the end of the season. No one wants to hear (get it? cause he's mute) about your suck-ass team anyway.
Quis, you've been putting together a solid performance on the low. You have a balanced attack at WR, TE, RB, QB and even managed 21 points from a defense that gave up 51 points on Monday. Clearly someone is going to have to go through you to reach the semi-finals of the playoffs. Luckily Da GAWD already has a bye week, so hopefully DA GAWD will face off with you once more and get the revenge I deserve. Just think, DA GAWD might get a chip before Quis. Its like I'm on that priority boarding to the chip while you on stand-by.
Special Ed 128.50 vs A$AP Touchdowns, aka The Legend of Zelda, aka Gawdstradamus aka DA GAWD 194.80
Everybody wanna act fly til you swat em. Week 4 you were sleeping at the top without nightmares of the bottom. Now that you've tumbled down the playoff seeds, I'd like to take some time and ridicule you at a molecular level. Inside your chromosomes is a defective loss gene that was implanted by DA GAWD to curse every QB you started since last year. Unfortunately, the symptoms of your plague take so long that there is no cure or repentance that could stop what has already been set in motion. BTW, its funny that you brought up the idea of getting the better end of a trade when I grabbed Derrick Henry for John Brown. That's where the plague started. John Brown lit it up for you - for a time. Then it took a turn for the worse. I'd take a picture of John Brown's game log for the last 3 weeks, but it might get censored because its the equivalent to the logs left in toilet Bowles (see what I did there Jet fan?). He has been straight up basura the last few weeks. This week you were forced to hold a spot for John Brown instead of getting a better quality QB. (I know - diabolical the way I set up your fall from grace). You know who has 4 tds over the last 3 weeks? Derrick "Can't Quit Him" Henry. Damn DA GAWD is good. I been cookin' up this win for a month! That's how I crock-potted your team! You won't be able to EdVANCE your way to the playoffs this year buddy. FURTHERMORE, you must've thought that Carson Wentz wasn't on DA GAWD's payroll. He owed DA GAWD. He failed you in your time of need because he owed ME! Here's a clip of his testimony.
Guys, I got nothin' new to say. I'm great. My vocabulary has reached the maximum limit of applicable adjectives to represent my awesomeness. So instead, the snow storm that happened this week inspired me to give you a guys a little story about the reigning Superbowl Champion Philadelphia Eagles.
There was a recent study that there was a baby boom in Philadelphia in November which is 9 months after the Superbowl. DA GAWD's GOSPEL WILL SPREAD LIKE THE SEED OF CHEESESTEAK EATERS THAT PRONOUNCE BAGELS AS "BEGEL". The build up is here. DA GAWD will finally own 4 chips in a single fantasy season. 4/4. It'll be the "Wendy" season.
#Amen
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