Tuesday (Week 3)

Week 3 is in the books and Da MANY WINS GAWD is STILL undefeated in FOUR (4) (QUATRO) MUTHAFUCKIN LEAGUES. WHEN ARE YOU BITCHES GONNA REALIZE YOU FUCKED UP AND CALLED UPON THE WRATH OF OLYMPUS!?!? I put the league on a sound. You know, “Recaps from the Weekend” and I ain’t got no muthafuckin time………..to write recaps on the weekend. Maybe I’m getting too deep cause the shit I’m talkin might be too true. I got some advil in the bottle and I don’t need them shits, but ya’ll do – especially after these pitiful performances. Lets review.

Hangin’ Myself 133.70 vs ShuTheBucUp 152.45

You’d think bitchass Juan would’ve taken my advice and let his wife take over his team by now. But no, the Gaylord formerly known as Juan thought Jay Cutler would be better than the QB he drafted. Did you think Type 1 Diabetes Cutler could survive in this heat without a donut? On top of that, you thought Baltimore D was good because it played the bum as Bungles and the 0-forever Browns. That type of buffoonery lets me know you think strippers like you because of your looks. Now like I’ve told you time and time again – stick to managing this league and your family because you damn sure can’t manage your team.

Buc, way to fuckin’ start Chris Thompson when he’s hot. You showed Juan how to grow a pair of nuts and make grown ass decisions. See that Juan? Do you see what it means to pick up a VALUABLE player instead of Diabetes Cutler? Sure you left hella points on the bench, but you stuck to your guns and got the win. (Not that its an accomplishment against Juan) Now all you gotta do is come to the realization that you won’t make it out the first round of the playoffs like Marvin Lewis.

Ed (Edd, Ed N Eddy) 107.95 vs Los Lobos 150.40

How many TE’s combined will it take Ed to get to 10 points? A week after I told you not to look at the app, you decide to sit Jimmy Graham and start the Carolina TE that probably played for an Iranian basketball team. How many times you gonna have two spots amount to less than 3 points? Even Yahoo has said you “failed to meet expectations all season”. You need to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself “Am I retarded”. Like look through yearbook photos, check childhood photos, and see if there’s any indication that people are looking at you with pity. Check if you’ve had some head trauma or something because its only gonna get worse when the bye weeks get here.

Lobos, I’m happy you’re still with us. Even if you beat up on I Am Sam, a win is a win. You ain’t have many options with Jordan Reed and Randall Cobb out but you prevailed. Now don’t think this gives you free reign to be talkin’ reckless in the league chat. This just means we walked you back from the ledge. It ain’t gonna be a happy season, we just want you to feel good until we drop you in December.

Who Let the Air Out? 87.50 vs ANOTHA WON 122.20

THIS was supposed to be the matchup to see, but thanks to Quis’ blasphemous ways, he ended up with the LOWEST POINT TOTAL ON THE WEEK. Regular season Quis startin’ to look real regular. Sure, you think it’s a fluke that Crabtree and Carr COMBINED for a whopping 11 pts. But last week’s recap I FUCKIN TOLD YOU THAT CRABTREE WOULDN’T BE THERE TO BAIL YOU OUT. I want everyone to witness the beginning of the end of Quis’ ability to get his money back in the league. You’re winnin days are over. You don’t come to my crib, wish my baby a happy birthday and eat a perfectly grilled, freshly seasoned, condiment laden burger and tell DA GAWD how he ain’t shit. This is only the beginning. All you gotta do is repent sinner and the losses will stop with David Johnson and Crabtree. Until then, BEND DAT KNEE. And don't be tryna use someone else's knee for your punishment.

               

The first disciple on the other hand got ANOTHA WON. Staying humble and ever vigilant, Gerald’s squad managed to overcome a Sproles catastrophe and a Hard Knock defense. He benefitted from Da GAWD’s 5 Guys Prayer and saw Devante Parker catch his TD. He believed the whole time. Now all he gotta do is stay blessed and Dominican and he’ll be on his way to the promised land to face DA GAWD in Valhalla. Stay blessed my nigga. Stay blessed. I'll keep answering dem prayers.

Hodor 112.70 vs No One 150.35

Rich gotta be the only person in Fantasy to start Tom Brady and LOSE. If Tom Brady can’t overcome ya dumbass lineup choices, there ain’t no hope for you. Especially when you lookin’ for production from Jack Doyle. Not like any of that mattered though. Maybe its your team name. Instead of focusing on the sexcapades of fictional characters where dragons get brought back to life by ice demons and random metal chains sprout from the ocean, you should be hittin that waiver wire. I bet you had a seizure when you saw DA 4 Eye’d GAWD predict you losing and it happened.

 

No One, you’ve been blessed by Da Many Win Gawd. In your greatest time of need, I heard your prayers and answered with the ridiculous 60 yd TD at the end of the game. While you might be wondering why it didn’t work last week, you need to remember that DA GAWD AIN’T GONE LOSE! If there’s anyone that deserves third place this year, it’s gonna be you. Hurricanes are a bitch, but you held up.

Beard In The North 151.35 vs Owen 110.00

Shorty I ain’t even gonna waste the GAWD Hands to type out your recap. All I had to do was change the points at the end. Imma just copy and past the same shit I said last week: Shorty, I wish I knew what was going on in your head when you thought Austin Hooper Martavis Bryant would duplicate last week’s effort. Did I beat you so bad  last  two weeks ago that you’re in the concussion protocol? Its not ALL your fault though……right? Jordy Nelson Kelvin Benjamin was supposed to make up for the fact that Isiah Crowell ain’t a real fuckin RB……right? You know what, it’s a good thing you’re in the honeymoon phase of marriage because your squad is going through a breakup.

Beard, you’re in the upper echelon of undefeated people. You started Diggs without Bradford like your balls were made of the frosted beard you have. Who needs that Steve Diggs “Cool juice”. I mean, you shouldn’t have started Hooper, but who gives a fuck when you got Leveon Bell and Todd Gurley. It will be my pleasure to send you to the depths of 4^rd place in the playoffs when I face you. Until then, salute.

DA G.A.W.D. 144.60 vs Yahoo Cannot Find This User 107.75

Does Juan create two teams in this league to know how it feels to be a loser twice in one week? Matter of fact, he must want 3 times because bitch ass OBJ thought pissin on DA GAWD’s grass was gonna get him a win. OBJ was wrong, and so was Juanathan. Listen, if you’re going to join the league and put up pathetic numbers, at least change your avatar. Try again next week when you’re a REAL team Pinnochio.

Yahoo did all the work in describing what’s happening this season. “GAWD, winning proved that jonathan's Team is no matchup for you. But the Toyota Hall of Fame would prove that no Fantasy players are your equal……It's not time to start talking about undefeated seasons yet, people, but GAWD has kept the streak alive after demolishing Beast Mode BOSS (92.85 to 78.65) and No One (153.95 to 128.40).

Got DA GAWD going up………… on a Tuesday. I just did three in row………..THEM SHITS IS BACK TO BACK TO BACK NOW. Juan think I’m gonna………. lose, don’t give a damn bout what he…………… think. Quis gon lose some more…....... cause his squad stink.

-Amen