WOOOO! Another Week down, another recap to describe my road
to victory. The standings show the cream of the crop, the milk, and that crusty
sediment that ain’t never going nowhere. I know its early in the season, but ya’ll
better start makin’ moves. Otherwise ya’ll gotta start praying that 2nd
string players start getting hurt. Lets
check out how you peons did.
Beard in the North
95.75 vs BoobyGang 83.60
“Boobies are colonial breeders on islands and coasts. They
normally lay one or more chalky-blue eggs on the ground or sometimes in a tree
nest.” – Wikipiedia
Our boobie has now laid two eggs and is probably due for
more. Eddie Wins-low thought it would be a good idea to start a receiver on the
Rams not named Sammy. I’m convinced at this point – any Jet loving fan that
joins this league is bound to be shitty as long as Todd “Bowels” is still the
coach. The craziest part is that his worst performance didn’t even come from the
handful of tits. You’d think Mr. A- draft himself wouldn’t be ONE FUCKING PLAYER
away from a train wreck. I bet the weekend after our draft you were like “Yahoo
knows wassup. Even they lazy-ass auto recaps know what they talkin about”
FUCK-OUTTA-HEA! Just delete the app. I’ll let you know when to come back.
Beard, just be happy you played a Jet fan. Start getting
creative because there won’t be too many more low scoring weeks like this one. This
first snow of winter came and Greg Olsen is down. Without him, you’ll be bendin’
dat knee in no time. If you can weather the storm that is Andrew Luck’s bum
shoulder, TY might get you back into “Over 100 Pts” territory. Until then,
Chuck Pagano out here saying Luck will be back in 2 weeks while Luck lookin
like this -
ShuTheBucUp 140.45 vs
The Montreal Alouettes 94.90
The fact that “jonathan’s team” don’t even put a capital J
lets you know his team is cheeks. Its just so lazy. You know shit is rough when
you startin a third string RB and we ain’t even into bye weeks yet. And you got
a STABLE of even more bums with TJ Yeldon, Eddie Lacy, and Sterling Shephard. Only
thing worse than getting negative pts from a defense is getting negative points
FROM A RECEIVER IN A PPR LEAGUE. I mean shit, even if he catch it in the
backfield for a loss he still at .5 pts. Your whole squad deserves to play in Canada
so they can get some shine. I just feel bad AJ is associated with your squad.
Way to bounce back from that loss Buc. Looks like you still
believe in HBO programming by starting DJax, but at least you got the win. Solid
wins like this gon’ keep you in the runnin for the playoffs. Then again, you
wastin roster space on a dude like Alfred Morris. Ya win some, ya lose some and
that explains why you’re 1-1. Oh and fuck ya Chiefs defense for playing against
the Eagles. Don’t get too hyped like ya man Jameis.
Aaron out my Nelson
117.80 vs Suicide Watch 96.00
I play with Belvi in two leagues. He’s in three in total. He
doesn’t have a win in any league as we finished Week 3. He’s gone through
injuries with Jordy Nelson while also suffering from bad calls like starting a
Giants Defense while knowing the offense can’t stay on the field. As a good
friend does, I ask I BEG each of you to donate Fantasy Tips to this
Hurricane Monday victim. Send your best tips with #NoWins – it might just save
a life.
Quis, you’re getting wins but your squad lookin’ thin.
Crabtree ain’t gonna be there to bail you out every week. The fact that you
HAVE to start Kerwynn Williams must keep you awake at night because we ain’t even
at the bye week level yet. The plagues are upon you playa. Its only a matter of
time until you come face to face with Da Gawd.
J&D’s Incest Baby
147.25 vs Sheesh Mode 110.40
Shorty, I wish I had a knew what was going on in your head
when you thought Austin Hooper would duplicate his 2 catch effort for 100 yds
and a TD. Did I beat you so bad last week that you’re in the concussion
protocol? Its not ALL your fault though……right? Jordy Nelson was supposed to
make up for the fact that Isiah Crowell ain’t a real fuckin RB……right? You know
what, it’s a good thing you’re in the honeymoon phase of marriage because your
squad is going through a breakup.
What a time to have Tom Terrific. You pretty much had this
win in the bag before getting ready for Monday. While it was a good win, it
wasn’t a great win. Later in the league, you’re gonna wish you had those extra
points from Emmanuelle Sanders. There’s gonna be a playoff spot you wish you
had but you’re gonna be 20 points short. Don’t get comfortable, Da Gawd knows
all and sees all.
ANOTHA WON 149.80 vs Hangin’ w/The Kids 140.45
Remember that year everyone thought AP wouldn’t come back
from knee surgery and blew it out the water? Remember how people that AP would
still have something left in the tank for the Saints? That’s how Juan Fantasy
season is gonna look. Sure, you might have had a 0-6 start and go on to get a
chip. But you think that’s happenin twice?!? Give it up playa. You is a daddy.
Instead of changing diapers you shoulda changed Howard for West once you saw DA
GAWD was startin Tarik Cohen.
G, in all the leagues I’ve played in, I’ve NEVER seen
someone go back to back. Especially someone that didn’t know “Who da fuck David
Johnson” is. You should be ashamed beatin’ up on a dad like that. He thought he
still had a life. He thought he could sleep in a little bit. He thought he had
time on Sunday morning for breakfast and Bleacher Report. You just being a
bully to a dude two weeks in a row. On a separate note, I’m waiting on a the
day you start Witten and he does the opposite of last year’s Witten/Bryant
connection. I’m thinking a -5 day with 2 fumbles.
DA G.A.W.D. 153.95 vs No Power 128.40
I hate it had to go down like this Jesus. But you know what?
When you ain’t wanna trade Tevin Coleman last year, that rubbed Da Gawd the
wrong way. So I had to take you out. I had to score the most points for the
weeks. I had to show you omnipotent power that is DA GAWD. What else could I do? Let you think you had some power over me with last week's high scoring total? I went lights out this week.
We’re two weeks in and I don’t think ya’ll understand what’s
about it happen this year. Y’all must think I call myself the Gawd for fun huh?
When you take the moniker, ya gotta have a reason. I'm Da G.A.W.D. - Good At
Winnin' DAWG. I USED THE SAME LETTERS IN MY NAME DAWG CAUSE I'M DA GAWD! Last
year was a fluke. Now that the stars are re-aligned properly after this year’s
eclipse, I ain’t never lookin back. Just say your prayers everyone – the plagues
are comin.
-Amen
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