Week 7 (Sanctified)

Sanctified (click the link to hear the song bitches)

At this point, Da Gawd has felt the presence of a few million angels around him. It’s a new week and Young Fuego has been born again. 2 wins in a row and the Oracle is feelin’ sanctified. The word is so clear to me that A$AP Bebop is winning this championship, its damn near biblical. I want you all to notice the believers vs non-believers in Week 7. You scrubs are only seeing the tip of this iceberg, but let’s recap on where things went right and wrong.

Shit Storm 126.00 vs ShutTheBUCup 135.45

Week 1, Bowles thought Gronk was gonna teleport to the game. Week 7, he thinks Knile Davis gonna download the playbook straight to his brain in 2 days like its “The Matrix”. Where the fuck do you get your player updates from? You must be getting news from a kid on the corner with a floppy kangol yellin "Getcha paper here. Only a nickel!" You clearly have the internet, stop acting like its dial up. Get out of your shit head and make a good trade. You are literally giving away wins like goodwill. 

The newly repented Buc saw the light. Although he felt he got the raw end of the trade deal, his repentance allowed the rest of his squad to succeed. Who needs Jordan Howard to go crazy when you let Brees be Brees? I already knew which players on his team would blow up Week 7. During negotiations, he noticed where I had interest and acted on it. Welcome to the Light Buc.

You Lose Some 117.20 vs Show Me Your TDs 140.90

Now that you’re back to earth, I hope you see how short lived you were in winning. Your golden carriage players turned back into the pumpkins they are. Jeremy Maclin still has Alex Smith T-Rex arming the ball to him. Kenny Britt became the Kenny Britt that the ball stolen from him by Polamalu. And Martellus Bennett learned it’s still the Gronk show. Don’t get any ideas thinking you can make a trade before your Week 8 matchup with The Y Chromosome himself and get a win. I think your time is better served house hunting.

TDs, I’m happy to see my homie Adriel Jeremiah Muthafuckin Green put in work for you. Catchin Hailmary’s while defenders try to pull him down like crippling hood poverty. Mike Evans went Mike Evans as expected and just about everyone showed up. While I tried to tell you to start Latavius (by offering a trade) you dismissed it and left those points sit on the bench. Keep this up though and you’re bound for that coveted Playoff bye week.

Le’Veon Left 139.85 vs Jay and Silent Juan 174.80

Shorty, you must’ve looked at Sunday as a good time to organize your iTunes song list. I mean there was absolutely no point in even turning on a Football game. Don’t worry though, you’re squad still put up decent numbers and hopefully you don’t run into the same issue next week. Just keep prayin homie. It wasn’t your fault. You just lost before the race got started. On the bright side, your Sunday was probably productive like you took Adderall or that Limitless pill.

I’m torn on writing a recap for Silent Juan. I know Juan will read it, appreciate it silently, and then act like its not his team. On the other hand, Jon might exist and he’s quietly trying to establish dominance in this league. Unfortunately I can’t let that happen. The “cult” that I’m leading won’t allow his “Sometime Studs” to keep doing this. Trades will be made. Walls will fall. Enjoy your win Juan Jon.

Your Name Sucks 117.65 vs Hartline Bling 148.45

Mosquitoes, its time to change your team name, your Fantasy Football strategy or both. At this point, I’m thinking both because I can’t even understand the reference you’re using for your name. Maybe I’m ignorant, or maybe not cause I’m Da Gawd. But when someone offers you TY Hilton in Week 3 for Allen Robinson, you take it. When you’d rather have Giovanni Bernard on the bench and start Devante Parker, you don’t. Listen, I just know what I know. At this point, Da Gawd sees you falling from Mt. Olympus. You got too close to the sun Icarus. Your fall to the bottom of the league won’t stop this week.

Hartline on the other hand has joined the ranks of the true believers. What does he get for his obedience? A win during a week that all his players were on a bye. I told him Jeremy Hill would go off. He just needed faith. He can TESTIFY to this miracle that the Oracle bestowed on his team. Now don’t get ahead of yourself because you’ve dodged many a bullet. In reality, you might have the luckiest streak and go from not knowing who David Johnson is, to winning the chip……..if I allow it. At this point, we’ll call it dumb luck but the Dominican Poppi is now a disciple. 

Loser Lobos 119.50 vs A Team Needs A Name 147.90

Lobos was feeling mighty strong sitting at the top. What he didn’t realize is that the crown is heavy when you’re at the top. You have to make good moves. You have to REPENT for using DA GAWD’S name in vain. How did it end up for him this week? Shady is now looking at missing multiple weeks. Eddie Lacy sent to the IR and Carlos Hyde in a sling. The RB plague is upon you. If you like the idea of getting to the playoffs, it might be time to pray playa. The pain train is comin. Oh and next time I offer you Rashad Jennings for Terrelle Pryor, you take it!

Jesus, you were the first to realize your retardation in this league. I want you to notice how it worked for AND against you. Starting Jacquizz Rodgers was a like a retard picking a good stock based on how team colors. Sitting Ajayi was ALSO like a retard picking a bad stock because he licked stickers. There are times when you wouldn’t be in this scenario if you JUST GAVE ME MUTHAFUCKIN COLEMAN! But that’s ok. Young Fuego is not gonna beat himself up. You can lead a retard to victory but you can’t make them tie their shoes. Good win though.

The Sphincter Blitzers 108.65 vs Trilladelphia Eagles 119.55

“The path of righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good-will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will KNOW my name is DA GAWD, when I lay my vengeance upon you”

Ezekiel 25:17

(Richie is the white guy "Brett" in this video)

Do I look like a bitch to you Richie? Why’d you try to fuck me like a bitch with that bullshit trade shortly before the Thursday Night game? YOU TRIED TO HAVE DA GAWD FUCKED UP OUT HERE. Only person I liked to get fucked by is my wife a week before her period.

When will you get it through that retard brain that I am Da GAWD? Do you see what your insubordination did to your team? Ya boy Black Moses split your team’s wig like it was the red sea! You fucked up benching Ty Montgomery. I put the JuJu on Hoyer from that damn trade. I even called in the homie Kenny Stills to help rack up points on your bullshit defense. I literally needed to tear your team a new asshole.

For WEEKS, you doubted my confidence in leading NFL passer Matt Ryan. You tried to poison and confuse this league into thinking that bitch-ass, sweater wearing, cookie baking Russel Wilson was worthy of being a fantasy “stud” this year. They definitely should be calling you "Numbers" cause you couldn't count enough points to best Da Gawd. 

I told ya’ll I was trying hard to be the graceful shepherd and not that Old Testament Gawd - full of wrath and vengeance. But I can hold back no longer. I didn’t want it to be like this.

All I wanted was a couple thousand dollars and a basement.

Oh and for you non-believers of my Oracle powers, it stretches beyond Fantasy Football. I can even predict what songs would be dope. Check below:

____________________________________________

And then this hit October 2016

And here is the song it sampled in case you didn’t know.

#Oracle, #Da Gawd

Week 6 (6 Gawd)

Week 6 

6 Gawd

Shit got hot up in the 6^th (week). We had some bad teams move up and some good teams move down. This shit league is about to start re-calibrating to a proper league. Now I’ll admit it, I’ll admit. I ain’t been the man for like a minute. But I told ya’ll that I’m in this for the long haul. 9^th Place is a step up from 10th and slow motion is better than no motion. 

Dominican Poppi 101.10 vs ShutTheBUCup 105.85

I been tellin ya’ll for WEEKS that this dudes team is ass. He knew all week he was gonna lose. He even tried sayin “I hope we tie” like a sister-kissin' quitter. But his real problem is letting Victor Cruz Bachata into his Dominican heart. When you gonna stop denying your Dominican side Poppi? We know you wear them toe separators when you get your toe hair waxed. Maybe next week you’ll realize Dez ain’t Dominican and you’ll trade em. Big shouts for comin through though.

It’s a got damn shame when a meek squad can’t get over 106 points AND STILL WIN. This the bullshit I’m talkin about in this league of extraordinary belittled-men. In what world is it worth holding on to TJ Yeldon? On what planet do they think that Tyrell Williams was gonna BLOW UP on the Denver Broncos? He's managed to do this while skating by on these miniscule numbers and getting 3 wins. BUC has to know he’s living on borrowed time. Congratulations on beating up on a retard. You must feel like a dwarf among midgets.

A Team Has No Game 108.25 vs Le’Veon Holy Jesus 133.25

Sunday started in the group chat with “Cooks Bitches”. What it should have said was “I wish I had more than Cooks Bitches”. Another non-believer, da Gawd offered the No Names solid deals for 2.7 pt Tevin Coleman. He said “Nah, I’m in Florida sippin on a drink with an umbrella in it with my pinky up”. So with blasphemy, DA GAWD cursed him with a donut for Sammy Coates. Your name might be Jesus, but you ain’t gonna walk on water the rest of this season.

I know its October, but did Easter come a little late? Le’Veon, congratulations on crucifying Jesus. He felt high and mighty about his team – doing the two RB start like it ain’t goin outta style. I bet you were ready to throw-up as soon as Cooks went ape shit. Somehow, Cole Beasley is making up for your bad decisions as a GM. You put him up on the cross as an example for ANYONE that doesn’t believe in the power of prayer. The Fantasy God’s showed favor upon your mediocre squad. You might make it the Promised Land. I have no clue how, but its possible.

I Don’t Know What Your Team Means 139.70 vs You Juant Some Come Get Some 160.00

I told you to get rid of Russel Wilson and look where you are. Sure Julio and the gang gave you some good points, but you ain’t even got a decent QB to roll with. Even Juan had the sense to grab Mariota. Not only are you bad at picking team names AND QBs, you couldn’t even start the right people. Why pick up Torrey Smith and not start him? Worst of all, Matt Jones against the Eagles (mad respect) or Mark Ingram against the Panthers that can ONLY stop the run. Literally no team even wants to run on them because the secondary is that bad. By Monday night you were just looking through your notes wondering where you went wrong.

Juan, congratulations on your second win. This one was at least earned. Although you’re just a notch above Bowles, you’ve set yourself up to have a decent squad. While I don’t think you can QB stream your way to another victory, congrats on getting 1 of your 2 teams a win. Your dedication is showing. Now go back in the kitchen and make Jon a sandwich. Know your place!

Zika Carriers 120.90 vs Los Lobos 141.30

Looks like the Zika Carriers got that insecticide. After starting the year 3-0, this downward spiral ain’t lookin to good. Lamar Miller finally showed up, but where’d everybody go? Folks you thought was strappin wit you (Allen Robinson – who I offered to trade for with TY Hilton) just ain’t getting it done playa. And now that teams are getting better, the price for those players is plummeting. You better turn this shit around soon or you gonna wind up on a windshield trying to make it to the playoffs. I'm starting to think you sucked the wrong blood.

Lobos on the other hand is sleeping at the top and starting to have nightmares of the bottom. Everybody wanna be fly til you swat em, and the Mosquitoes got smacked. Right now, I think Lobos is just trying to maintain wins because he definitely wasn’t trying to go for points. Leaving Pryor on the bench might cost em that bonus at the end of the year. But look on the bright side, you know you’ll ALWAYS start Tom Terrific.

Show Me Your Ajayi’s 136.80 vs Jay & Silent Bob 151.30

Its sad when you’ve been living the good life for 5 weeks. Its even sadder when you’re so confident in your receiving core that you drop the #1 RB of the week in favor of the backup that gets 3 measly points. Only thing that could make it worse is if you bet on the game……….oh yeah that happened. Now think about how your score was WITH Spencer Ware getting his points. You think he’s not gonna get benched towards the end of the season? Don’t get shook – its only week 6 and that crash is coming. But this Monday felt like this watching your elite players put up average numbers.

Silent Bob  become vocal Juan when he got a win against Quis. While we all thought that OBJ trade was suspect, he managed to have the #1 WR of the week. This shit is getting outta control though. There’s no reason a dude turns a goal post, into a prop for him to seem cool. Mark my words that your instagrams blow up with Halloween costumes of OBJ and a Net. But outside that remarkable performance, your squad is straight BUNZ. Its like going in a girl's shirt and finding tissue. Your squad ain't got substance. 

Irritable Bowles Syndrome 118.00 vs Da Gawd 146.05

Do I feel proud about putting the beats on Bowles? No.

Do I feel good getting that monkey off my back? Ya got damn right.

Think I give a fuck about Bowles boy? Think I give a fuck about his squad boy? I’m the real 6 Gawd boy. I’m not new to this. Ya fuckin wit da Oracle, da Architect, Noah’s Arkitect, DA GAWD. Don’t think this first win a fluke. It’s about to be a path of destruction on my way to the chip. Rich about to be the next stone on my path to getting rich (get it).

Week 5 (Down & Out)

Down and Out 

I’m starting to wonder why I even write recaps for this shit league. Your W/L records make you think you’re good GMs, but each week you lames manage to set new lows for points and bad moves.  Well you guys asked for it and below is a recap of what happens when you let kids eat glue, lick batteries, and try to parachute off the roof with a plastic bag.

Zika Carriers 86.80 vs Show Me Your TDs 149.60

I’m thinking Mushroom Tip Mosquitoes got a bad batch of blood, witnessed his head shrink, and let his brain ooze out his ears. This bum squad has been holding on to PUP List Deion Lewis since THE DRAFT. Week 5 rolls around, Allen Robinson on a BYE, and he’s holding a roster spot that could have been ANYONE better than Jacod Tamme. But hoes gon’ be hoes so he can’t blame Tamme. Pathetic when you think this could have been avoided with some trades. 

Congratulations on beating up on the squad with the lowest point total of the YEAR. In TDs case, he was lucky that he didn’t have to make ANY fucking decisions since everyone on his bench wasn’t gonna play. Shouts to getting your newly acquired players to “ball”. You’re team is still strong in this league but I think you gonna start getting disappointed late in the season. Oh and big shouts to showin up to the bar. I wish Mushroom Tips could’ve been there to not enjoy wings as well as Gerald. 

Gay & Silent Blow Job 93.75 vs Flatline Bling 125.15

Honestly, there’s no point in even writing a recap for a fake. The team name is here just for show. Juan’s trying to run both teams and can’t handle the responsibilities. Leaving Deangelo Williams in like Le’Veon Bell gonna get hurt on the first play of the game is just stupid. Thinking bum shoulder Amendola can be the next Welker is asinine. Believing Richard Rodgers was somehow gonna be a target magnet against the Giants is flat out autistic. I just wanna know what its like realizing you're not even real. You're Pinocchio or something. 

Hartline, I have no good words for you. I explain to you how good Philip Rivers is, you act like you don’t want him, then give your Godfather a backrub and ask for him. Matter of fact you’re worst than all of that. You’re a “Flat-Earther”. You the type of dude that said Columbus would fall off the edge of the world instead of begin a genocide of people. You the type of dude that would believe it really was Pac when they had those hologram shows. You believe in BigFoot. I refuse to put more effort into coaching you about how bad your squad is. Ignorance is bliss and I don’t wanna take that from you. SMH Victor Cruz.

Crohn’s Disease 155.15 vs Go Back from Wentz You Came 175.20

Jesus Christmas……Somehow Bowles managed not to shit the bed, but did it at the wrong time. The one week he would have beaten 75% of the league, he ran into the other squad that didn’t have a win and had something to prove. While I could tell you that Ryan Matthews would’ve been a good start, it doesn’t matter all that much. Just take some Humira because Week 6 ain’t getting any better.

Is this what Juan has been waiting for since September? His first win? Did he want me to congratulate him on finally starting Martellus Bennet in the right situation? Fuck all that noise. This chump is running two teams and rapes his partner for the David Johnson trade. If he thinks I’m gonna start respecting his cheaply engineered team he has another thing coming. Even worse, he had the nerve to take the Eagles name in vain and produce our first loss. Let’s see how you do when there aren’t so many byes and you got REAL GM moves to make.

ShuTheBUCup 122.80 vs A Team Has No Name 158.15

Talk about letting one slip away. If you had started Randall Cobb and Antonio Gates you might’ve won this one. Too bad you didn’t believe in a Randall. This little mistake is going to haunt you as another Randall aka DA GAWD takes that coveted playoff spot that you’re dying for. Oh, you thought the Fozzy Whittaker that fluked his way to making me lose to you was going to take the STARTER role? You still believe in that now shitty panther’s defense? If all of that’s true, I got a fairy tale for you. Once there was a dude named Buc, who started to run out of luck. He lost his mind, ate some plates and no one gave a fuck!

No Names, you left quite a few points there on your bench. While you got a good win in this one, every point counts when it comes to playoff spots. Good thing Cooks is back Week 6 because that receiving core was starting to look mighty shaky. Keep fighting that middle of the road fight in this league. At some point, you’re team will have enough of an identity that you’ll be able to give it a real name.

The Name Changers 124.80 vs Le’Veon A Prayer 166.35

After WEEKS of explaining that his team name didn’t make sense, he finally changes it. I mean, its not much better, but at least it probably makes sense to him. Since he spent so much time thinking of a new team name, it looks like he forgot to scour the waiver for quality picks. I hate to say it, but it might be time to throw in the towel on this squad. Michael Crabtree can’t be bailing you out and you got the wrong D.Hopkins on your squad. Anything is possible but its lookin bleak out here – and I ain’t talkin Memphis.

Shorty, you learned the first thing about praises. You been prayin since you beat me and it looks like its payin off. Le’Veon is bringing your squad into the winning ranks. Todd Gurley is showin up. And you showing true GM skills by picking up Hogan during Tom Brady’s comeback game. Lets see how you do when that Vikings D isn’t there to stabilize you though. All in all, good win.

Los Lobos 162.95 vs Trilladelphia Eagles 130.05

Lobos got the good win on the Gawd. I don’t blame him. He been waiting ALL season to try and get me back for the other league beats he caught. I get it. Draft Tom Brady for the Week 5 showdown you see me and he plays the FUCKING BROWNS. THE ORANGE HELMET COLORED BROWNS. Everyone else on his squad played as expected but those can’t get right Browns really know how to fuck up a day. NOT TO FUCKING MENTION THAT TERRENCE WEST GETS 95 YDS ON 11 CARRIES AND THEY STOP FEEDIN HIM.

Listen, I know what’s going on. I go to Richmond, VA for a few weeks and immediately start suffering losses that don’t make sense. I’ll be gone from that place til November, so start expecting the resurgence. It won’t be pretty. They say da Gawd is down, but I’m bout to be back on my grind. Money back on my mind. Brees and Ryan, the league is mine.

Week 4 (Energy)

Energy

I got enemies, got a lot of enemies, got a lot people tryna drain me of my energy.

Tryna take the WAAAAVE from a nigga, fuckin wit DA GAWD – gonna pray for you niggas.

Jay Slob on My Knob 101.55 vs A Team Can’t Get 100 Pts 96.05

What kind of homeless, underground, alleyway bum fight did we witness in this matchup? The no names had big names come up empty. DHop did shit. Cooks did shit.  Remember all that good shit he thought would work a week ago? Remember when I told him the dumb ass 2 RB strategy a la 2008 Panthers wasn’t gonna work? OF COURSE, he didn’t crack 100 pts. Congratulations – you played yourself.

Juan 2.0 on the other hand squeaked by in this D-League matchup. I call it D-League because Jay must be getting his knob slobbed on by Juan. I’m starting to think he’s the “Jay” and Juan is the “Silent Bob” that slobs. How the fuck do you both do that dumb ass trade and BARELY get over 100 points. Fucking insane. Shouts to Amendola going Amendola with a 3^rd string QB in a divisional away game. REAL smart GM’ing. Oh and shouts to thinking OBJ was such a great “addition”. Rumor has it, this is was the aftermath of that dumbass trade.

BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOUR TEAMS TOTAL FUCKING POINTS (INCLUDING BENCH) YOU BOTH COULDN’T BEAT ME!

OBJ is Gay & Keeps the Wins Away 104.70 vs Le’Veon is Back 120.30

Trevor Fucking Siemian. TREVOR FUCKING SIEMIAN. I offer you elite QBs and you like “Nah bruh, I like getting fucked in this league. I like trading away a player I named my team after and get NO FUCKING RESULTS for it. ” I know for a fact you went to brunch with women in Sunday hats and white lady gloves. You probably laid your jacket over a  rain puddle, held an umbrella and was like “I don’t need football if I got you babe.” But lemme guess, you still ain’t gonna trade for a better QB right? EVEN AFTER I OFFERED ONE FOR GOLDEN TATE……………………………………………………Trevor Fucking Siemian. SMFH. This is probably how your Sundays start.

Le’Veon got his prayers answered and managed an abysmal 120 pts. Is this what you wanted? You wanted Le’Veon to give you enough points to beat the 0-infinity, schizophrenic, TREVOR SIEMIAN STARTING, Pharoah of Fails OBJ team? I hope you’re proud of yourself. I hope you can look yourself in the mirror every morning and realize you stole candy from a baby. Like I’ve been saying since the draft, Carson Palmer ain’t gonna last. So don’t go crying you can’t find a QB - I offered you gold in a world of silver.

Show Me Your Sneads 113.75 vs Los Lobos 155.25

Looks like Quis enjoyed his vacation a lil too much. Like I fucking said last week, Quis was gonna lose. I hope you took a picture like I told you to. It ain’t gonna get any better for this fake #1 squad. Stafford let you down and I don’t think its gonna be getting any better. You’re lucky Spencer Ware was in the game as long as he was. Jamaal is back and its getting cold. When you get knocked out in the playoffs by me, I want you to ask yourself what’s worse - the pain or the hangover?

Lobos got the win right when he needed it. Just like the 3-1 Patriots, he got some great wins while buying time for Tom Terrific. But will he come back as Terrific? Will he light it up and keep throwing to Julian Edelman again? I remember some years ago when he went down with that knee injury. Time flows like a river and history repeats itself homie. BTW, I’d be more upset at this league than me Week 5 – the wrath was built up on their shit talk.

Dick Tip Suckers 117.65 vs 10 Win Abandonments 176.60

The gravy train stops here. You were getting this inflated sense of accomplishment while sucking the life out of scrubs. All of a sudden you got dick smacked by Julio Jones. While I know it was flukey coming from your opponent, realize that you still couldn’t get to 120. The “high hopes” you had for Blount is over. When you’re standing over the ashes and rubble that used to be your team, remember when TY Hilton was on the table for you.

Commandments, congratulations on surviving this week. While Julio Jones was literally the Atlas of your squad, you didn’t have to do much. Since you thought Sunday was such a “Good Day”, I wanna take you down memory lane of how Ice Cube’s brother ended up on that good day. This is exactly how you’re playoff hopes will fucking end as you hobble to a non-playoff berth.

I.B.S 131.50 vs Fartline Bling

I think we should all contribute towards a gift card to Bed, Bath, Beyond to Bowles Movement because he’s running out of beds to shit. While he at least used some Mylanta and FINALLY sat Fitztragic, he still lost to the Lord of Lames. I don’t even have advice for you. At this point, just get some fucking depends so you don’t shit up the rest of this league. You’re just leaving a mess and GIVING AWAY wins.

Fartline was out here sweatin Monday Night hoping he could get that win. The saddest part of this win is that I don’t think it was his own doing. Sunday morning he’s scrambling around looking for advice from others in this league for answers to the following question:

Do I start the home based Joe Flacco against a Raiders defense that’s given up some of the highest totals to QBs OR do I start traveling Eli “Turnover” Manning against the 2^nd best defense in the fucking league. I get it. It’s a tough decision for some people. People like this:

Trilladelphia Eagles 153.35 vs ShuTheBUCup 169.20

Buc is bum. Its solidified. He probably got the best performance he’d get all year and PRAYED to be able to talk shit to da GAWD. For some reason though, his bitchassness flared up on Thursday. He stayed quiet Sunday and as I boarded my flight, I saw Big Ben give this mouse some energy. Enjoy it, because I won’t even get the pleasure of dismantling you in the playoffs.

So I lost. I can take it. So what if Matt Ryan did better than I even expected (although not far fetched considering da Oracle knows all). Unfortunately, the better matched up Rivers decided to flame out. Now I hear everybody talkin’ bout what they gone be. I got high hopes for you niggas – we gone see. You muthafuckas bring you’re A++ game for the Gawd. Just keep track of it all. The fury is building. The shit talk retaliation will only be more severe. Enjoy the early weeks. Now I’m bout to call ya ass an Uber, I got somewhere to be. I hear fairy tales bout how y’all gone run up me – well run up week 5 and we gone see.

Bitches