Heavy Heart (Week 8)

Heavy Heart (Week 8)

I gave this league everything I got. Always kept it real from the very start. Niggas ain’t thorough like I always thought. Damn…...this week left me with a heavy heart. Niggas plot on every win I got. I kept it trill from the very start. Seen so many teams cross me, I don’t know where to start. But let’s get into this recap you bitches been beggin’ for. Cause I’m bout to cut the grass and expose you snakes for the pathetic GM’s you are.

Pumpkin Gang  95.30 vs Aaron Out My Nelson 154.15

Ed, I tried lookin back at your roster to see where your autism flared up but I couldn’t find it. It was simply a case of the bye weeks, injuries, and Julio playing like a mortal for the 7th fucking week in a row. Da Gawd wanted to bless you with a win but it wasn’t in the cards. After failing Da Gawd’s plans of demoralizing Quis, you’re squad is useless to me. While you've made a run out of the dumps of the league, you're back to a pumpkin. I think the image below sums up the week so far.

Despite benching the #TE1 of the week, you managed to get a high point total from ya boy Will Fuller. Da GAWD coulda traded for em, but I didn’t want to fall into the mindgames of last year’s trade for Fuller. Then again, Da GAWD’s prophecy has now came true as of today. Deshaun Watson is down. While my all-knowing oracle abilities predicted an injury to Fuller, a Deshaun Watson injury will do. Da GAWD has issued plagues across the league and you weren’t spared. Just remember when it was all good…….. ABOUT A WEEK AGO!

Loser in the North 97.40 vs ANOTHA WON 121.65

Adam, Da Gawd can’t make sense of the gm decisions you out here making. You STILL startin’ TY Hilton over #1 option in Detroit, “Livin’ my life like its Golden” Tate? We know you preppin’ for winter and all but I mean…….how early you wanna be in the cold of the playoff race. The week before, you were chasin’ Austin Hooper points like this the Falcons of 2016. Either get righ, get back, or get the fuck out the way because REAL teams are tryin’ to compete. AND STOP LETTIN’ YOUR BENCH PLAYERS HAVE MORE LIFE THAN THE STARTERS!

My G! ANOTHA victory with your back against the wall during the bye weeks. Why you still believe in old ass Jason Witten, I’ll never know….but a win is a win. Staying in the hunt is keepin’ your repeat hopes alive. Like Da GAWD been tellin you all season, stay blessed. You may not win the chip, but your faith gonna at LEAST let you win some money back. Continue the crusade of teachin’ this scrubs who DA GAWD is.  

Finally Ended the Streak 103.75 vs  Giant’s Spirit Animal 153.50

Shorty, the win streak stopped quickly. Just when you thought you had some life and could stop boo lovin’ wit the wife, your squad stalled out. We all know your squad is in the dumps. Why you insist on trying is beyond me. You ain’t Rudy and there ain’t no magic Black man (except Da GAWD) that can save your pathetic team. When you got players like Isiah Crowell ballin’ on the bench while you had to start a 2nd string Oakland RB, you know times is hard. Now if you come to the Light of Genesis, you might have a shot at JUST missing the playoffs. Until then, give up.

Juan, I been tellin you all season how your fantasy hopes are tied to the success of the Giants. Since they were on a bye, you managed to produce a good week and TIE for last. I’d tell you to give up and cash in those Wendy’s fries, but I think you’re missing too many chromosomes to do it. If you think JuJu Fruit Smith-Schuster gonna keep ballin’ you got another baby comin. Until then, hug your kids, kiss your wife, and tell them the presents are gonna be light this year without a chip.

Juanthan’s Team 105.15 vs Flame On 187.90

Its been 8 weeks and I’m convinced that Juan Jonathan just been doubling up on his losses til this point. I know Da Gawd’s Eagles have the best record in the league, but it ain’t from the entire offense you got on your squad. How many times Blount gotta let you down? How many times you gonna choose between Agholor and Torrey Smith? You and your squad is non-existent and I don’t know how this pathetic league puts up with you joining. Just make a trade or trick somebody into taking over your squad. P.S. my bad for tellin you to start Torrey Smith but it looks like the outcome was the same.

Jesus, you’ve been absolutely on fire with whomever you start. Just when Juanathan thought he was gonna catch a break after Miami’s pisspoor showing, you Johnny Blazed em. After witnessing the Astros win the World Series, I’m convinced that the victims of natural disasters are due for championship level performances. FYI, I’m not talkin’ about the hurricanes you caught - I’m talkin the natural disaster that was your team last year. Congrats on top points of the week.

The Worst Name in the League 125.00 vs ShutTheBucUp 137.40

Rich Dick (I think that’s the more appropriate nickname for Richard), this matchup was actually fun to watch. Da Gawd pegged you to be the winner and then you started blaspheming Da GAWD’s name in vain. Low and behold, the error of your ways caught up with you. Starting Benny fuckin’ Fowler over Alex ‘Riverdance’ Collins made no sense. Then again, it doesn’t make sense you’re using a TE from the niners. Either way, you’re still shit, no one likes your fantasy name, and you ain’t shit. Good luck testin’ Da GAWD week 9.

Buc, you did it. You came from behind. You did the unthinkable and survived Da GAWD’s plagues thanks to your opponent's non-believing ways. Does Da GAWD think you can earn some wins with a declining Jordy Nelson, a 2 week at best Alfred Morris, and BUCK ‘fumble at the goal line’ Allen? Not really. But you just might make the playoffs. Until then, keep scrounging around in the waiver wire.

The Walking Dead 124.95 vs Da GAWD 124.35

Da GAWD wants everyone to know that it took a group effort to try an defeat him. Through the help of the commish, the devil, and a few phone calls, Ian’s team managed to put up JUST ENOUGH points to effectively win. Do I think the league colluded against Da GAWD? Of course. Am I still waiting on the stat correction? You betcha. But if you think this keeps Da GAWD awake at night then you must lick windows for fun. Now this don’t mean that Ian can make a comeback because the plague has now taken effect and Zeke is done for real this time. Maybe it was time to see exactly how much hope you had left JUST to snatch it away.

Either way, Da GAWD don’t give a fuck and he’s still bound to win the chip. As the first disciple said himself, “Seeds 4-6 got the best chance at winnin’ the chip”

#Amen

Price (Week 5)

Shit….Ever since I got first place, I ain’t been inspired to write these recaps like I used to. When you the boss without a loss, somebody steady gunnin for you. Having the expectations of success nad pure perfection is tough hold on the shoulders of Atlas. Gawds got feelins too. But I think I just got full off success. Soon as Da GAWD left the country, Bruce Almighty showed up and ass-monkeys started getting wins. Without further ado, lets reflect how we got here when I left the comfy steps of Olympus.

Here Lies Juan Camacho Hernandez IV 84.45 vs J&D’s Incest Baby 145.55

What more can Da Gawd say that hasn’t been said already? The Giants ain’t got wins. Juan ain’t got wins. Grass is green and the sky is blue. What I can’t understand is him doubling down on Giants players. Brandon Marshall already had 1 foot out the door of the NFL and his ankle just dropped the other shoe - besides too many passes. The only reason I can’t be more disappointed is that this level of effort was expected. You're a two time dad with no time for this league. You and Wendy's ain't never gonna be win together.

Now the Incest Baby’s Change your fuckin’ name. I’m tired of writing it. I don’t care that you won, its just bad. You think Jon and the Mother of Dragons gonna have a demon baby after smashing once? How about change your name to Queen Rich or Rich Boy Goin for Broke? Anything but this shit. ANYWAY, congrats on having the cojones to start McKinnon when everyone thought Murray was runnin’ the show and turning lemons into lemonade against a dead horse. Continue climbing.....or not. I don’t really care, I just want you to change your name.

Graveyard 103.80 vs My RBs SUCK 135.60

Remember two weeks ago when Da Gawd said we’d knock you back to Earth after that shit talking from the clouds? The result was a KICKER giving you 0 points. Worst of all, you lost your #1 WR to an ankle injury that probably wouldn’t have happened if the Giants let him rest a week longer after the preseason injury. With no viable, legit, #1 options on your team besides QB, you’re season’s done. Maybe you should have a few Giants players as your pallbearers so they can let you down one last time.

Shorty, you also have a bad team name, but at least you’re not Owen Forever anymore. Congrats on your first win. You used DA GAWD’S TEAMS QB TO MAGNIFICENT LEVELS. For that you were blessed with Da Win. I mean you ain’t gonna make the playoffs or nothin, but you got the win. Da Gawd is just happy he doesn't have to keep tellin you that you don't care about your team. For the rest of the season, just play spoiler when people need it the most.

ANOTHA LOSS 120.70 vs ShuTheBucUp 127.55

My first disciple got Buc’d up. However, it wasn’t because his team overall sucked, he just ran into a bad bye week and Devante Parker’s ankle gave out. It was a valiant effort but the loss still sticks. On the bright side, it probably gets better for the upcoming week. No more no less. Stay blessed. No matter what happens next week, Da Gawd will keep you in the circle.

Buc, congratulations on achieving 2^nd place. You took this sneaky opportunity to see the GAWD missing and get a win when you needed it most. I hope you’re still kicking yourself since you traded away Doug Martin though. Don’t think those Aaron Rodgers late game heroics are gonna keep you in the upper echelon of this league. This area is reserved for the holiest and most well deserved. You’re just a demi-gawd right now. Be humble, because Da Gawd won't let this shit talk go by. You're a fake #1.

Beard In The Fourth 120.70 vs Jonathan’s Team 148.35

Somehow, Beard and Gerald managed to get the exact same score while playing two separate people and both of them loss. Kinda made me wish they played each other so I could see the first tie ever in my Fantasy Football years. Anyway, this was kinda flukey. Beard had some solid studs turn into duds so don’t think this is the norm. Keep ya head up playa. You’ll bounce back. Until then, may the 4th place be with you.

On the flip side of flukey, Jonathan’s team had Torrey Smith catch flames to go along with ADRIEL JEREMIAH MUTHAFUCKIN GREEN going full retard. Congrats on your second win. At first I hated your team name, but sometimes, plain pizza is better than some dumbass pineapple w/anchovies shit like Incest Baby’s Rich’s team. Now how’s about you trade me Kamara so you can continue this winning streak?

The Little Eddie that Couldn't 126.65 vs No One 136.20

Damn Eddie. I thought you coulda had this one, but as you can see from Jesus callin on the GAWD’s blessings, you just couldn’t do enough. A Jimmy Graham here or a Cam Newton there would’ve secured a victory for your lowly team. I know you were lookin' forward to a recap last week after your win, but I ain’t got it. Either way, there’s still some bright spots on your horizon. With Lobos dead and the Lord of L's formerly known as Juan not getting any better, you can’t go lower than 10^th anymore. You’re at your season’s floor.

Jesus stayin’ blessed. Who needs to worry about having the Week 5 #1 QB on the bench or a TE putting up zero numbers. You’ve got DA GAWD on your side to pull through a victory. Real talk, your squad is putting up great numbers this season and you might see me in the finals. Sometimes weathering the storms means coming out clean……or just fallin on your face. Keep staying in the playoffs.

GAWD (too low to count) vs Aaron, Nor Nelson, Nor A MUTHAFUCKIN PACKER On My Team But I Use This Dumbass Name 130.10

“Aaron out my Nelson (sixth place, 3-2, 580.05 points) pushes GAWD (4-1, 585.80 points) closer to the dustbin of history and out of the league's top spot after trashing them 130.10 to 81.50” – Yahoo

That’s as good of a recap you gonna get on this one Quis. You were lined up in Da Gawd’s sites for demolition but instead you were saved by the everlasting grace of the supreme being. While enjoying the sites and sounds the rest of Da Gawd’s universe has to offer, the focus was lost. The hunger was gone.  Since I doubt I'll see you in the playoff race, let this win comfort you during the cold month of December.

 

When you sittin at the top and you think you seen it all….caught up wit yo dreams wit nobody else to call.  Cause Da Gawd know he gon’ be straight….had to cut a couple players….had to learn from da mistakes – THAT’S THE PRICE OF BEIN’ GREAT! They hate you when you winnin’ but they love it when you break……this the price of being great.

Be on the lookout of renewed fury as this is the last vacation for the year from Da Gawd. You’ve been warned.

-Amen

Tuesday (Week 3)

Week 3 is in the books and Da MANY WINS GAWD is STILL undefeated in FOUR (4) (QUATRO) MUTHAFUCKIN LEAGUES. WHEN ARE YOU BITCHES GONNA REALIZE YOU FUCKED UP AND CALLED UPON THE WRATH OF OLYMPUS!?!? I put the league on a sound. You know, “Recaps from the Weekend” and I ain’t got no muthafuckin time………..to write recaps on the weekend. Maybe I’m getting too deep cause the shit I’m talkin might be too true. I got some advil in the bottle and I don’t need them shits, but ya’ll do – especially after these pitiful performances. Lets review.

Hangin’ Myself 133.70 vs ShuTheBucUp 152.45

You’d think bitchass Juan would’ve taken my advice and let his wife take over his team by now. But no, the Gaylord formerly known as Juan thought Jay Cutler would be better than the QB he drafted. Did you think Type 1 Diabetes Cutler could survive in this heat without a donut? On top of that, you thought Baltimore D was good because it played the bum as Bungles and the 0-forever Browns. That type of buffoonery lets me know you think strippers like you because of your looks. Now like I’ve told you time and time again – stick to managing this league and your family because you damn sure can’t manage your team.

Buc, way to fuckin’ start Chris Thompson when he’s hot. You showed Juan how to grow a pair of nuts and make grown ass decisions. See that Juan? Do you see what it means to pick up a VALUABLE player instead of Diabetes Cutler? Sure you left hella points on the bench, but you stuck to your guns and got the win. (Not that its an accomplishment against Juan) Now all you gotta do is come to the realization that you won’t make it out the first round of the playoffs like Marvin Lewis.

Ed (Edd, Ed N Eddy) 107.95 vs Los Lobos 150.40

How many TE’s combined will it take Ed to get to 10 points? A week after I told you not to look at the app, you decide to sit Jimmy Graham and start the Carolina TE that probably played for an Iranian basketball team. How many times you gonna have two spots amount to less than 3 points? Even Yahoo has said you “failed to meet expectations all season”. You need to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself “Am I retarded”. Like look through yearbook photos, check childhood photos, and see if there’s any indication that people are looking at you with pity. Check if you’ve had some head trauma or something because its only gonna get worse when the bye weeks get here.

Lobos, I’m happy you’re still with us. Even if you beat up on I Am Sam, a win is a win. You ain’t have many options with Jordan Reed and Randall Cobb out but you prevailed. Now don’t think this gives you free reign to be talkin’ reckless in the league chat. This just means we walked you back from the ledge. It ain’t gonna be a happy season, we just want you to feel good until we drop you in December.

Who Let the Air Out? 87.50 vs ANOTHA WON 122.20

THIS was supposed to be the matchup to see, but thanks to Quis’ blasphemous ways, he ended up with the LOWEST POINT TOTAL ON THE WEEK. Regular season Quis startin’ to look real regular. Sure, you think it’s a fluke that Crabtree and Carr COMBINED for a whopping 11 pts. But last week’s recap I FUCKIN TOLD YOU THAT CRABTREE WOULDN’T BE THERE TO BAIL YOU OUT. I want everyone to witness the beginning of the end of Quis’ ability to get his money back in the league. You’re winnin days are over. You don’t come to my crib, wish my baby a happy birthday and eat a perfectly grilled, freshly seasoned, condiment laden burger and tell DA GAWD how he ain’t shit. This is only the beginning. All you gotta do is repent sinner and the losses will stop with David Johnson and Crabtree. Until then, BEND DAT KNEE. And don't be tryna use someone else's knee for your punishment.

               

The first disciple on the other hand got ANOTHA WON. Staying humble and ever vigilant, Gerald’s squad managed to overcome a Sproles catastrophe and a Hard Knock defense. He benefitted from Da GAWD’s 5 Guys Prayer and saw Devante Parker catch his TD. He believed the whole time. Now all he gotta do is stay blessed and Dominican and he’ll be on his way to the promised land to face DA GAWD in Valhalla. Stay blessed my nigga. Stay blessed. I'll keep answering dem prayers.

Hodor 112.70 vs No One 150.35

Rich gotta be the only person in Fantasy to start Tom Brady and LOSE. If Tom Brady can’t overcome ya dumbass lineup choices, there ain’t no hope for you. Especially when you lookin’ for production from Jack Doyle. Not like any of that mattered though. Maybe its your team name. Instead of focusing on the sexcapades of fictional characters where dragons get brought back to life by ice demons and random metal chains sprout from the ocean, you should be hittin that waiver wire. I bet you had a seizure when you saw DA 4 Eye’d GAWD predict you losing and it happened.

 

No One, you’ve been blessed by Da Many Win Gawd. In your greatest time of need, I heard your prayers and answered with the ridiculous 60 yd TD at the end of the game. While you might be wondering why it didn’t work last week, you need to remember that DA GAWD AIN’T GONE LOSE! If there’s anyone that deserves third place this year, it’s gonna be you. Hurricanes are a bitch, but you held up.

Beard In The North 151.35 vs Owen 110.00

Shorty I ain’t even gonna waste the GAWD Hands to type out your recap. All I had to do was change the points at the end. Imma just copy and past the same shit I said last week: Shorty, I wish I knew what was going on in your head when you thought Austin Hooper Martavis Bryant would duplicate last week’s effort. Did I beat you so bad  last  two weeks ago that you’re in the concussion protocol? Its not ALL your fault though……right? Jordy Nelson Kelvin Benjamin was supposed to make up for the fact that Isiah Crowell ain’t a real fuckin RB……right? You know what, it’s a good thing you’re in the honeymoon phase of marriage because your squad is going through a breakup.

Beard, you’re in the upper echelon of undefeated people. You started Diggs without Bradford like your balls were made of the frosted beard you have. Who needs that Steve Diggs “Cool juice”. I mean, you shouldn’t have started Hooper, but who gives a fuck when you got Leveon Bell and Todd Gurley. It will be my pleasure to send you to the depths of 4^rd place in the playoffs when I face you. Until then, salute.

DA G.A.W.D. 144.60 vs Yahoo Cannot Find This User 107.75

Does Juan create two teams in this league to know how it feels to be a loser twice in one week? Matter of fact, he must want 3 times because bitch ass OBJ thought pissin on DA GAWD’s grass was gonna get him a win. OBJ was wrong, and so was Juanathan. Listen, if you’re going to join the league and put up pathetic numbers, at least change your avatar. Try again next week when you’re a REAL team Pinnochio.

Yahoo did all the work in describing what’s happening this season. “GAWD, winning proved that jonathan's Team is no matchup for you. But the Toyota Hall of Fame would prove that no Fantasy players are your equal……It's not time to start talking about undefeated seasons yet, people, but GAWD has kept the streak alive after demolishing Beast Mode BOSS (92.85 to 78.65) and No One (153.95 to 128.40).

Got DA GAWD going up………… on a Tuesday. I just did three in row………..THEM SHITS IS BACK TO BACK TO BACK NOW. Juan think I’m gonna………. lose, don’t give a damn bout what he…………… think. Quis gon lose some more…....... cause his squad stink.

-Amen

El Chapo (Week 2)

WOOOO! Another Week down, another recap to describe my road to victory. The standings show the cream of the crop, the milk, and that crusty sediment that ain’t never going nowhere. I know its early in the season, but ya’ll better start makin’ moves. Otherwise ya’ll gotta start praying that 2^nd string players start getting hurt.  Lets check out how you peons did.

Beard in the North 95.75 vs BoobyGang 83.60

“Boobies are colonial breeders on islands and coasts. They normally lay one or more chalky-blue eggs on the ground or sometimes in a tree nest.” – Wikipiedia

Our boobie has now laid two eggs and is probably due for more. Eddie Wins-low thought it would be a good idea to start a receiver on the Rams not named Sammy. I’m convinced at this point – any Jet loving fan that joins this league is bound to be shitty as long as Todd “Bowels” is still the coach. The craziest part is that his worst performance didn’t even come from the handful of tits. You’d think Mr. A- draft himself wouldn’t be ONE FUCKING PLAYER away from a train wreck. I bet the weekend after our draft you were like “Yahoo knows wassup. Even they lazy-ass auto recaps know what they talkin about” FUCK-OUTTA-HEA! Just delete the app. I’ll let you know when to come back.

Beard, just be happy you played a Jet fan. Start getting creative because there won’t be too many more low scoring weeks like this one. This first snow of winter came and Greg Olsen is down. Without him, you’ll be bendin’ dat knee in no time. If you can weather the storm that is Andrew Luck’s bum shoulder, TY might get you back into “Over 100 Pts” territory. Until then, Chuck Pagano out here saying Luck will be back in 2 weeks while Luck lookin like this -

ShuTheBucUp 140.45 vs The Montreal Alouettes 94.90

The fact that “jonathan’s team” don’t even put a capital J lets you know his team is cheeks. Its just so lazy. You know shit is rough when you startin a third string RB and we ain’t even into bye weeks yet. And you got a STABLE of even more bums with TJ Yeldon, Eddie Lacy, and Sterling Shephard. Only thing worse than getting negative pts from a defense is getting negative points FROM A RECEIVER IN A PPR LEAGUE. I mean shit, even if he catch it in the backfield for a loss he still at .5 pts. Your whole squad deserves to play in Canada so they can get some shine. I just feel bad AJ is associated with your squad.

Way to bounce back from that loss Buc. Looks like you still believe in HBO programming by starting DJax, but at least you got the win. Solid wins like this gon’ keep you in the runnin for the playoffs. Then again, you wastin roster space on a dude like Alfred Morris. Ya win some, ya lose some and that explains why you’re 1-1. Oh and fuck ya Chiefs defense for playing against the Eagles. Don’t get too hyped like ya man Jameis.

Aaron out my Nelson 117.80 vs Suicide Watch 96.00

I play with Belvi in two leagues. He’s in three in total. He doesn’t have a win in any league as we finished Week 3. He’s gone through injuries with Jordy Nelson while also suffering from bad calls like starting a Giants Defense while knowing the offense can’t stay on the field. As a good friend does, I ask I BEG each of you to donate Fantasy Tips to this Hurricane Monday victim. Send your best tips with #NoWins – it might just save a life.

Quis, you’re getting wins but your squad lookin’ thin. Crabtree ain’t gonna be there to bail you out every week. The fact that you HAVE to start Kerwynn Williams must keep you awake at night because we ain’t even at the bye week level yet. The plagues are upon you playa. Its only a matter of time until you come face to face with Da Gawd.

J&D’s Incest Baby 147.25 vs Sheesh Mode 110.40

Shorty, I wish I had a knew what was going on in your head when you thought Austin Hooper would duplicate his 2 catch effort for 100 yds and a TD. Did I beat you so bad last week that you’re in the concussion protocol? Its not ALL your fault though……right? Jordy Nelson was supposed to make up for the fact that Isiah Crowell ain’t a real fuckin RB……right? You know what, it’s a good thing you’re in the honeymoon phase of marriage because your squad is going through a breakup.

What a time to have Tom Terrific. You pretty much had this win in the bag before getting ready for Monday. While it was a good win, it wasn’t a great win. Later in the league, you’re gonna wish you had those extra points from Emmanuelle Sanders. There’s gonna be a playoff spot you wish you had but you’re gonna be 20 points short. Don’t get comfortable, Da Gawd knows all and sees all.

ANOTHA WON 149.80 vs Hangin’ w/The Kids 140.45

Remember that year everyone thought AP wouldn’t come back from knee surgery and blew it out the water? Remember how people that AP would still have something left in the tank for the Saints? That’s how Juan Fantasy season is gonna look. Sure, you might have had a 0-6 start and go on to get a chip. But you think that’s happenin twice?!? Give it up playa. You is a daddy. Instead of changing diapers you shoulda changed Howard for West once you saw DA GAWD was startin Tarik Cohen.

G, in all the leagues I’ve played in, I’ve NEVER seen someone go back to back. Especially someone that didn’t know “Who da fuck David Johnson” is. You should be ashamed beatin’ up on a dad like that. He thought he still had a life. He thought he could sleep in a little bit. He thought he had time on Sunday morning for breakfast and Bleacher Report. You just being a bully to a dude two weeks in a row. On a separate note, I’m waiting on a the day you start Witten and he does the opposite of last year’s Witten/Bryant connection. I’m thinking a -5 day with 2 fumbles.

DA G.A.W.D. 153.95 vs No Power 128.40

I hate it had to go down like this Jesus. But you know what? When you ain’t wanna trade Tevin Coleman last year, that rubbed Da Gawd the wrong way. So I had to take you out. I had to score the most points for the weeks. I had to show you omnipotent power that is DA GAWD. What else could I do? Let you think you had some power over me with last week's high scoring total? I went lights out this week.

We’re two weeks in and I don’t think ya’ll understand what’s about it happen this year. Y’all must think I call myself the Gawd for fun huh? When you take the moniker, ya gotta have a reason. I'm Da G.A.W.D. - Good At Winnin' DAWG. I USED THE SAME LETTERS IN MY NAME DAWG CAUSE I'M DA GAWD! Last year was a fluke. Now that the stars are re-aligned properly after this year’s eclipse, I ain’t never lookin back. Just say your prayers everyone – the plagues are comin.  

-Amen

Wins & Losses (Week 1)

“You have to EAT the dream, you have to SLEEP the dream, you have to DREAM the dream, you gotta touch – YOU HAVE TO SEE WHEN NOBODY ELSE SEES IT. You have to FEEL it when it not TANGIBLE. You have to BELIEVE IT when you cannot see it. You gotta be POSSESSED with…..THE DREAM.”

Welcome to the beginning of the end bitches. You’re now in the presence of the many named Gawd aka the Bye Week Bully, aka Lord Waiver Wire, Your Grace, Asgarde’s Very Own, but better known as DA GAWD. After watching your pitiful attempts at stringing together a formidable squad in this year’s draft, we got to see how it all turned out week 1. Let’s just call Week 1 Failure to Launch. I wish I could insult each of you more but the NFL let everyone down this week – cept DA GAWD!

Beard In the North 142.3 vs “Player 2” 122.7

Bruh, your squad might as well be “Player 2” because you had no control over how Monday night went. Just when you thought you were blessed with Zeke playing, OBJ is out. Just when you thought you were up 20 pts, Steve Diggs turned to Stephon Diggs. I know its early in the season and you couldn’t even swap out Kirk Cousins when he played DA GAWD’S SQUAD, but be ready to make some changes sooner than later.  Oh and you better quit believing in that Giants team cause they let you down – big time.

Prepping for winter huh Beard? Getting a much needed win early is good since TY Hilton won’t have a QB for quite some time. I wish I could diss your team more, but it was actually a solid roster lineup and you got optimal points. BUT FUCK IT, YOU STILL TRASH FOR KEEPING DARREN MCFADDEN ON A ROSTER SPOT WHEN HE AIN’T NEVER GETTIN’ IN THE GAME!

J&D’s Incest Baby 95.25 vs GanGreen 132.45

I can’t make fun of a name that’s already bad so we’ll stick with it. While we’re at it, it’s a shame your fantasy fun ended on Thursday night. Sure Gillislee came through with 3 TDs, but did you think P.Richardson was an option going into Sunday’s games? I know he did better Dez, but I wouldn’t even invest the time it takes to find out what the P even stands for. He’s literally not worth the click – even with his 9 pts. Oh and lets hope Tom Brady the GOAT shows up instead of Tom Brady the goat – he fell so fast when pressure got to em.

GanGreen, I don’t know if you’re the same Bed Shittin’ Bowles from last year, but good win. Either that new colon worked wonders or we just got a new member that’s a Jet’s fan with an unoriginal Jet fan name. I’d say there’s room for improvement but you’re already forced to drop Kevin White, so continue doing no work. AND WHO THE FUCK IS Z.JONES!?!?  

Its a HardKnock Life 109.55 vs No One 169.40

You think just because your squad was on HBO that you’d have a good reason not to burn your jersey? Sure, mother nature dealt you a bad hand, but did you really think you could hide behind that excuse as Kareem Hunt singlehandedly made you do laundry by the 4pm games on Sunday? Your squad still seems kinda solid, so I’m sure you can recover – even if you got Ted “Hot Hands” Ginn.

Congratulations Jesus. You’ve shown what it means to be dedicated to the league. You wouldn’t let the largest hurricane in recent memory stop you from getting a victory. You even double’d down and Jax D came through with hurricane-like sacks. With the highest point total of the week, you got people bending da knee out here. Now if only our Commish would recognize that football is life, people wouldn’t have lost so many players in preseason with that early draft.

Wk 2 Win 2 128.95 vs Player Disconnected 103.70

How could Jonathan’s team leave any of Da Gawd’s players on the bench? Nah I’m playin, Agholor is awful. But it sucks that you picked the wrong Eagle to fly high with. On top of that, are you gonna double down on AP? We all saw him yell at Sean Payton and we know that ALWAYS works out……..right? Anyway, its week 1 and you still got studs (and no bench) so we’ll see where the chips fall.

The reigning champ managed to get a solid win after the collusion of a Rudolph for Ertz trade. How this shit league manages to let this happen right in front of their faces – I’ll never know. I mean, does this league have that low of self-esteem to think this collusion is acceptable? Did you all come from Mormon households that had multiple moms? Either way, congrats on getting production from Ertz. I’d say AB was great, but AB gonna be AB.

Hangin’ with Diapers 100.10 vs Aaron out my Nelson 148.00

I think we saw just how much of a Giants fan Juan is this week. With OBJ out, a terrible O-line and an old Forrest Gump QB, he thought gimpy hip Brandon Marshall was going to be the game changer. He had a viable Terrence West on the bench. Not only did he have baby brain, he started the defense that played against one of his own players – just erasing points. I think its time to focus on being a dad and retire from fantasy because its going to be a long year.

Regular season Quis did regular season Quis things. Getting points while having points to spare on the bench. But does he? With broke wrist David Johnson gone, things might get iffy. Plague 1 has already started my G. You thought you could just come to my daughter’s bday, laugh about my lack of playoff berth last year and think the plagues weren’t comin!?!?! I’m warning you now that Derek Carr is next. That goes for Gerald too for taking Da Gawd’s blessing in vain.

Yeast Mode Boss 78.65 vs GAWD 92.85

Yeast, let me introduce myself. You can call me your Grace, Vallhalla’s Victor, or simply GAWD. Either way, you weren’t prepared for the obstacles that would face you in this matchup. Da GAWD sent a prayer up to make sure that the same Kelvin Benjamin would do enough to grant him a win in 3 different leagues. Da Gawd faced David Johnson, Allen Robinson, AND Kareem Hunt across 4 leagues and still remained victorious. Don’t get down on yourself. You did nothing wrong – you just faced Da GAWD. Now pick yourself up, brush off this loss, and feel confident that YOU’LL NEVER BEAT ME!

“As I walk through the valley with my ladder and FLEX, I’m the realest nigga in it, I just happen to be the best.”

New basement, new counters on the way now

Brr, brr, that’s an alert FOR THE TOUCHDOWN

Week 2 is gonna be a doozy

-Amen.