Welcome back to the marvelous......the exalted.....the ultra.... Game of Throws Monday Morning Tears recaps. Your host this season, aka the Prophet of Profits, Vicelord of Victories, aka Drip Van Winkle, aka Garden State Nate heretofore addressed as DA GAWD will walk us through the highs and lows of each week. We're finally here - Week 1 of the 2021 fantasy season. After months of pontificating and speculating on performances, we finally got a chance to see our teams do battle in the virtual grid iron. Let's see who put in that work and who was here just to have fun.
Loss Almighty 151.00 vs RUN CMC 162.35
On Thursday Night our league commish was feelin' himself. With a commanding start from Antonio Brown and finally hitting an elusive parlay, it seemed like the stench of not making a chip with Alvin Kamara was washed away. But tragedy struck. Raheem Mostert couldn't make it a full quarter before crumbling like Mr. Glass. Seems like punishment for not handling the powers of Kamara last season. This loss isn't the worst thing in the world though. The team put up respectable numbers despite that loss at RB. What will determine the rest of this season is how you decide to spend FAAB on an RB or trust that Latavius Murray's Monday Night TD is a sign of more to come. At least your parlay win covered your buy-in if you don't make the chip.
Team Disqualified 152.35 vs Chubby Chasers 179.70
Now this was an interesting loss. As the newcomer in the league and already 225 in the hole worth of fees, getting a win out of the gate should be priority number 1. With this loss, you're extending a trend I've seen in the league. A GM brings in new blood only to make themselves stronger and have a chance at the chip. DQ didn't do anything wrong here. His team just got melted by the highest scoring team of the week. We know its only Week 1 and shouldn't mean much. But this sundae didn't have the whip cream, sprinkles, and cherries that it took to get the win. You may be a champ in 10 man leagues but this big boy 12 man territory. Tread lightly.
After having baby mama drama without having a baby and phoning in his number 1 pick, Trav has surprised everyone with the highest point total of the week. Trav came out the gate hot with a 38 point night from Amari Cooper and the heat never stopped. Somehow, Trav was able to do this with a donut from Aiyuk. After many years of clawing your way out the JUCO circuit, you could find yourself in the playoffs this year and take advantage of Quis in a trade. I would've made a joke about the whole "flewed" out thing, but you're highest point total this week and for that you get a free pass.
Certified Lover Boyd 133.55 vs Covid 21 145.95
What an embarrassing example of having players ball on the bench. Things were looking great on Thursday with Lamb while Gronk was on Quis' bench. Boyd did those tables turn quickly. Courtland Sutton and Tyler Boyd could've easily been benched for Deebo Samuel and Ty'shon Williams. Nobody expected you to start Melvin Gordon over those guys but that would've worked too. Maybe it was the hubris of thinking you took candy from the baby of the league, but it really wasn't worth it. I think you should get the carbon monoxide detector checked in the house with these roster decisions you made. You were in the chip last year - you're better than this.
This week, Quis started exactly who he was supposed to start. While I'd love to destroy him about having Gronk on the bench, there's no way he'd bench Kelce. He didn't really BEAT Adam and instead allowed Adam to beat himself. Real judo-like in this week's maneuvers. As reigning two time champ, it must feel good to win the games you're supposed to win and cap off beating Adam in last year's chip with a fresh victory this season. Your chances of 3-peating are slim, but as long as GM's start and sit the way this week went, you'll be in the playoffs in no time. Good win.
Lost Lobos 104.75 vs Becton Egg and Cheese 144.75
With the lowest point total of the week, it's time to reflect on the draft. With his 7th overall pick, Ian decided to take the unnecessary risk of drafting Michael Thomas like he had the healing factor of Wolverine. With guys like Deebo Samuel and Brandin Cooks available, this one is gonna sting for weeks. Besides the rough draft, this week was a cornucopia of bad luck. Aaron Rodgers gets engaged and all of his MVP powers vanished. Saquon gets a measly 10 carries. Najee Harris performed exactly like a rookie. This week for you was the reason custodians have jobs - to clean up trash like this. With so many players out or not performing, you've got a lot of work ahead of you. Maybe you can vent to someone about it.
This first win for Eddie without his partner Hector to cheer him on. First off, I've never seen an offensive tackle manage to get enough clout to garner a fantasy team name. Secondly, he's already out 4-6 weeks so how about you change your team name to match being in the winning category. Other than poor choice in a team name, Eddie got a solid win with a great start from Matthew Stafford. Jerry Juedy did enough to get points before going down and Christian Kirk might be able to take his place as long as Kyler keeps Kylering. This season I'm gonna be watching closely to see if Hector was behind your teams success or failure. For now, good job and tell hubs we said hello.
You Done Messed Up Shorty 133.35 vs The Neon Icon 144.65
If there was anyone I thought Shorty would beat this week, it would've been the Neon Icon. The commish gassed you with the idea of a "trifecta" (which comprised of a kicker) but guys like Tyrell Williams and the rest of your bench won't be enough to carry this struggle bus to the promised land. Funny enough, BOTH A-Aron's actually did mess up your team. New Year, same old comical luck for Shorty. For the league's sake and your own sanity, I really hope your FAAB money finds some gold on the waivers for an extra WR. Otherwise you're just gonna try to beat up on Ian and Gordon to salvage your season.
After being one of the two laughing stocks of the league, this was a much needed win for the Neon Icon himself. Godwin and DHop lead the charge and he never looked back. While staring down the Monday Night scary hours, his team held strong. This year might see a berth into the playoffs as long as he doesn't Plax himself and trade away Dhop.....again. There's some real potential for this team to disrupt the status quo and avoid the loser fee, but its a long 16 weeks and anything can happen. For now, enjoy waking a solid win and don't get too crazy.
This Team Iz He Who Remains a Loser 135.75 vs Da GAWD 140.60
This week, Gordon destroyed his own team in Gordon fashion. This 12 man isn't like your 16 team masochist league. Word on the street is your trade rape came with Russel Gage and some Jergens. Nobody is searching for dudes like Gage or the practice squad member that'll get in by Week 12. Had you started started literally ANY other player other than Gage, you get the win while DA GAWD tries to understand how he had so many points on the bench. For months I tried to prepare him, but Gordon told me he's a old brave nigga like Hank Aaron. Maybe it was plagues, I think that 16 team league is messing with your head. It's distorting your reality of good fantasy players. Hope you voted no on that increase of the loser fee.
For them to think that they could step in the ring with me and avoid my plagues.....is unbelievable. Despite having duds from Tannehill, Diggs and Tonyan, DA GAWD still rose victorious. While battling in the cosmos, Drip Van Winkle managed to get wins in every single league while having and playing against Tyreek Hill, Amari Cooper, Antonio Brown, CeeDee Lamb, DJ Moore, Miles Sanders and countless others. DA GAWD should've known that when he walked across the plank over a pool of sharks that he'd be able to toe the line week 1. You're all on notice because DA GAWD will be back on the throne.
#Amen
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