I hope you bitches are just enjoying the shenanigans going on in Week 2. We saw some correction happen with some teams while some others continued to do more of the same. Moreover, it looks like you fair-weather fans have pivoted to a knew source for your recaps. All the laughs with non of the creativity. I guess yall would rather have 30 second microwaved steak'ums than the dry-aged filet mignon steaks known as DA GAWD'S RECAPS. Let's review how everyone did.
Hop off Deez Nuks 89.55 vs No One 169.35
I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same. With a new team name, I thought you might've changed things. Looks like Shorty is who we thought he was the whole time - an impostor. Not only is he a Black guy passing as Dominican (a la Gerald), he also thought he shook off the stench of not meeting expectations. With Njoku out, and starting the wrong Houston RB, I don't know how you're future doesn't remind me of that "Lights, Kamara, Action" season. You earned in Oscar for that standout performance as a winning team in Week 1.
Week 2 came and Jesus clocked in and out like a regular day at the office. Another strong performance on the books with the Patriots D leading the way. The good thing about your team is going to be watching you agonize over who to start each week. Hopefully the decisions will fill you with anxiety to the point that you curl into a fetal position and pray that you don't get the promise of a chip ripped away from you in final game of the season. I'll be there to deliver that promise, so don't let this slow start for DA GAWD confuse you.
BucEmDown 90.65 vs Green Eggs and SAM 135.10
What goes up must
Eddie, congratulations on delivering a dish best served green. Maybe you had him join you in those other dummy league's to get him off your pattern. Maybe this was all a setup for you have him draft players that you knew he'd be too high to notice the talent from. Either way. when everyone doubted your team's ability outside of CMC, you left em in. Who cares if you got the avatar of a QB that could catch chicken pox if he's around a daycare - you believed and you won. Keep that momentum going and keep believing in this ragtag bunch.
FlacOFF 98.30 vs Los Lobos 184.15
It has BEGUN. We're now in the second week and the first casualty from your ill-gotten gains has emerged. Drew Bress; perennial maker of playoff fantasy teams, is gone for 6 weeks (maybe more depending on how I want this plague to play out between you and Eddie). Then after you thought you were slick in delivering DJax in that trojan horse trade, you picked him back and STARTED him. You must've thought "I'm about to show them all how stupid Randall was to let him go after that trade. It'll be like I gave away nothing for Kelce". And BOOM out. If you plan on salvaging any bit of money from this league this season, I suggest you continue betting on the side - its the only thing you'll be happy with for this football season. Until you repent, you are heretofore cursed. #Amen.
Following up Week 1's dominating performance, it looks like Lobos is delivering on that promise he made in the chat. Laying waste to DA GAWD's mortal enemies is a great way to secure a place in Valhalla and earn an opportunity to compete for the coveted chip. Keep in mind that this score could've been even higher had Lobos let Sanders start. This team is seriously starting to raise my eyebrows but I have internal issues to attend to. Since you'll go toe to toe with Da GAWD Week 3, I think I'll allow another win. DA GAWD has plans for a Week 4-10 montage for the record books. Until then, keep sitting comfortable in the drivers seat to the chip and a bye week.
FalseProphits 118.30 vs SuperCRACK 163.50
Just when I thought that all that hatred and training you did in the off-season paid off, you go ahead do something like starting Sutton over DJ Moore. Now I'm no mathematician or some acrobat of arithmetic, but how could the lowly offense of the Broncos compare to half the arm of Pam Newton and DJ Moore? I know, the Broncos will EVENTUALLY throw, but starting Sutton was pure gambling without accessing risk. This is but one of a few losses so I don't think they'll be repeated mental lapses like this but get it together. We gotta make it seem like Trav is earning his way into a playoff spot.
Look what we have here. Third highest points of the week from none other than the bacon whisperer. I'm starting to think you avoid the chat and simply read up player stats and are dedicating your 2nd chance to proving us wrong for kicking you out. You're really taking this opportunity to show that you're making the right decisions on paper every week. Sure Agholor left a bunch of points of the bench, but that's because you didn't expect my plagues to attack the other receivers on the squad. If I didn't know any better, you'll be at a 8th grade reading level, keeping up with the chat AND making the playoffs.
Sauce GHOD 118.25 vs Antonio Brownderez 123.35
This race to the bottom must've been tough to watch on Sunday and Monday night. After starting Amendola like he got Jax's robotic shoulders and its 2011, Gerald had to climb out of a huge hole. Now I'm not saying you should've started last year's 1k breakout rusher over the worst parts of Wes Welker and Julian Edelman, but Corey Davis is STILL a #1 option on the non-throwing Titans and he still would've got you the win. After that, there's not much else for me to say. While I charge up my energy to leave you down here in the swampy parts of this league, just remember this type of advice that I've given you.
Juan, that floating head recap you provided is a direct correlation to how you're treating your fantasy team. While you may have gotten a win despite multiple -4 points, you're still lackin'. You lack the ability to have a backup QB. As I tried to warn you all off-season, I'm going to give you one more piece of advice since you at least made the effort to feed these children a half-baked recap story. Aaron Rodgers will go down by Week 6. Plan accordingly.
This Team Iz America 134.85 vs DA GAWD 132.80
Gordon, this is now the third season where you've managed to beat me in a regular season game. I guess I should have seen this coming. While you were gallivanting at weddings and enjoying yourself, you seemed to have forgotten the fact that we have kickers in this league. At one point I thought you were trying to join in on the opportunity to kick DA GAWD while he's mortal, but you legit didn't pick one up. I hope your sacrifice of Crowder for this win was worth it.
Another week, another loss. Another late recap. Another disgusting mortal existence. These things you flesh bags call emotions are the worst. Ain't been happy in a while. I be starin’ in the mirror tryin' to force myself to smile. Can't keep blaming everybody, people do what you allow and don’t ask me how I feel cause I'm responding back with "how?" How the fuck I'm supposed to feel when I ain't got no running backs? How the hell I'm supposed to trust trades when people out here settin' traps? But I've now become comfortable in this level. I'm letting the fuel of each loss grow my hunger for more. Victory has made me lazy and content. These losses are just what DA GAWD needed.
#Amen
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