Welcome back to the reason y'all abandon your significant others and families. We waited a long time for the opportunity to showcase our predictions and amazing shit talking abilities. As your host this season, buckle up for the turbulent times laid before us. Week 1 cannot be explained with a rational mind. Just remember that turbulence is the price you'll all pay now that DA GAWD has to defend his title in a filthy realm of fork-tongued beguilers, miscreants and ne'er-do-wells. Without further ado, let's review the week that got y'all announcing new kings and denouncing the mover of hurricanes, the bringer of plagues, DA GAWD himself.
Antonio Brownderez 115.85 vs falseProfits 143.60
All off-season, Juan couldn't stop thinking of ways to get back at DA GAWD for taking the chip. He kept re-using memes (damn near daily) for a player that he named his team after.......THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN DRAFT. Funny enough, it was a receiver that could have turned the tide in this match-up. Sammy Watkins....the number 1 receiver in Fantasy Football Week 1 lay dormant on Juan's bench. Maybe its due to my own Week 1 L's but this one had to hurt. Da GAWD predicts Juan struggling with the 'will he won't he' start him each week for Watkins until Hill gets back. It'll be his new Sunday/Monday Night frights. Shake this off and come back ready for Week 2.
Back from the dead, Adam has resurrected his failed defending title tour and turned in a solid Week 1. When DA GAWD looked down from Olympus, he saw the determination and grit on Adam's face as he worked out like the montage from Rocky IV. With every push-up, he counted the rankings for the players he intended to draft. While Jameis was a misstep, it didn't matter since there's plenty of QBs (for now) to go around. Will the result of this solid lineup withstand the better prepared defenses of Week 2? DA GAWD predicts a playoff berth for Adam but nothing more. You're attempt to use DA INFINIDY GAWNLET against DA GAWD will be futile.
Sauce GOHD 114.35 vs Los Lazarus 177.30
Last season, DA GAWD explicitly instructed Gerald not to try and be GAWD. His solution? Be the Sauce GOHD of Failed TE's. Kyle Rudolph put up a whopping donut and so did the Cleaveland D. I wish I could diss your team more but I miraculously managed to score less than you. Since this recap is written when time and space meet at the same point, I wonder how you'll fare the rest of the season with Bum Shoulder Bell and Time-Share Jones. On the bright side you still got some support in the other spots and you'll always have a use in this league for providing those pics. But since you've disobeyed me TWICE and deflect to some false idol, you'll suffer in this RB hell your team is in.
I'm sure Ian has plenty of tales to bring back to us from The Void. It looks like he learned how to channel the dark arts and started an optimal lineup that consisted of stars from yester-year and the future of QB'ing. There's isn't a single thing you should have done differently this week besides draw the ire of DA GAWD. At first I thought you had the major cajones to start Shady with someone else more worthy of the spot but then I saw the list of 'wait and see' RBs you got stacked. While I'm debating if resurrecting you was a good idea, it seems you'll at least draw the attention away from DA GAWD while he forms a comeback in his mortal form. Way to come out the gate strong, its gonna be an interesting 8 weeks til your other players will/won't play.
FlaccOFF 145.40 vs This Team Iz Running Backs 137.05
Gordon, this match-up would've been fun to keep track of if I wasn't drowning my lowly league wide sorrows. I can't imagine the feelings of regret while watching "Camp MVP" Curtis Samuel look like "Camp Crystal Lake". I too was fooled by the reports of those that know less than DA GAWD. With an absolute stable of running backs at your disposal, they came out looking like ponies. While I don't think this type of performance will be the norm, you better stop thinking "Gaucho back" and "Getcho (rhyme it, I'm tired)". Maybe you'll get the last laugh later in the season, but at least your point total this week says you can make a strong run for the playoffs.
So you came here to read a recap on how you won week 1 after making the most ball-less transaction known to fantasy football? Nah. This space is reserved as a warning for EVERYONE in the league believing that the Bengals of the Game of Throwns league has a shot this year. More-over, you should all be ashamed to have even allowed such transgressions to take place in your selfish plans to de-throne DA GAWD. 'Quiz' time. How far do you all think this dude will get in the playoffs with his boom or bust style of WR? How long until Kelce goes down with a devastating knee injury. When (not if) I want everyone to retweet this single recap and send it to Travis Kelce so that Quis can personally apologize to him for the plagues that lay ahead. Oh yeah, congrats on your win.
Green Eggs and SAM 124.25 vs No One 159.10
Somehow, I think the shenanigans of Week 1 rest solely on Eddie's shoulders. By taking CMC out of order, the entire universe tore in two. As a result, he ONLY had CMC perform for the week. Diggs and Robby Anderson were no where in sight. Hunter Henry drifted off into the land of misfit TE's. Eddie's team is literally hinged upon CMC playing every snap, for every game, including bye weeks. While I thought it was rough for DA GAWD to start the season, this team looks like there's no hope. I can only say you should never let Hector sit next to you again during draft day. Rumor has it, CMC was found crying outside Eddie's house on Tuesday like this:
Jesus, you're a solid drafter. Its one of the main reasons I faltered on several occasions as you snaked the very players that I would take next. This kept DA GAWD on a pivot and he had to make snap judgments. With a solid quad consisting of two dynamic QBs and two WR1s you're gonna be tough to handle down the road. Its a nice bounce-back after falling short of the glory in 2017. I'm starting to re-think moving the hurricane out of your way. This draft could have been totally different a week early with no liquor. Maybe hurricanes are your good luck charm to a solid draft. Miami must've been a good move for you - unlike Fitztragic. Good job on Week 1.
HOP off deez nuks 151.85 vs SuperCrack 147.15
Between you and Shorty, I'm convinced ya'll siphoned some of the better playing prowess from the rest of the league like the Mon-stars. Trav, you came out the gate Week 1 like this was your last chance to be part of something great. Like you wanted to see bacon cook on a grill again. Like you belong in this league of titans. If only you sat Agholor, you could've opened up Week 1 with your first win in what feels like decades. Looks like you got your big boy pants on and your ready to compete. Rough loss, but good play.
Shorty, welcome to your first Week 1 win in what seems like 3 years. With a renewed team name and the right Patriots RB, it looks like I can't enjoy your wacky highlight reels of close losses and let downs. You've blossomed from a cocoon of carelessness to a full fledged winning fantasy team. Word on the street is that your Black and I haven't fully processed all of that info yet. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing til I figure out how to throw this into the theme of your recaps.
BUCeMDOWN 150.35 vs DA mortal 94.30
Looks like Hector's been waiting WEEKS for this moment to try and bring DA GAWD down a planet. After sitting next to Eddie and siphoning his fantasy wisdom like a weed-headed Shang Tsung, Hector managed to draft a very impressive team that took down the immortal GAWD. With every long stare at his phone while driving, he went into a trance-like state seeing the victory before him. While I saw the stutter step of caution from the Antonio Brown drama, Hector remained vigilant and managed to put everything DA GAWD knows into question. What makes it worse is that DA GAWD lost to someone that had the vision to snake Alvin Kamara away but CAN'T TELL THAT GRUDEN DOESN'T HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS:
Dear me/Him, I got questions and I need answers. How could I be set up to lose in all my leagues. Maybe its because I removed the G from my moniker that earned me this L. Maybe Juan put the Juju out there to shake up the league by having everyone change names. While tending to a coveted donut, I was ambushed and bamboozled. Now that I've been knocked back into this filthy dimension of fork-tongued beguilers, miscreants and ne'er-do-wells, it's time for Da Gawd to right the course and have you remember how I earned this moniker. You're all on notice.
#Amen
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