Tuesday (Week 3)

Week 3 is in the books and Da MANY WINS GAWD is STILL undefeated in FOUR (4) (QUATRO) MUTHAFUCKIN LEAGUES. WHEN ARE YOU BITCHES GONNA REALIZE YOU FUCKED UP AND CALLED UPON THE WRATH OF OLYMPUS!?!? I put the league on a sound. You know, “Recaps from the Weekend” and I ain’t got no muthafuckin time………..to write recaps on the weekend. Maybe I’m getting too deep cause the shit I’m talkin might be too true. I got some advil in the bottle and I don’t need them shits, but ya’ll do – especially after these pitiful performances. Lets review.

Hangin’ Myself 133.70 vs ShuTheBucUp 152.45

You’d think bitchass Juan would’ve taken my advice and let his wife take over his team by now. But no, the Gaylord formerly known as Juan thought Jay Cutler would be better than the QB he drafted. Did you think Type 1 Diabetes Cutler could survive in this heat without a donut? On top of that, you thought Baltimore D was good because it played the bum as Bungles and the 0-forever Browns. That type of buffoonery lets me know you think strippers like you because of your looks. Now like I’ve told you time and time again – stick to managing this league and your family because you damn sure can’t manage your team.

Buc, way to fuckin’ start Chris Thompson when he’s hot. You showed Juan how to grow a pair of nuts and make grown ass decisions. See that Juan? Do you see what it means to pick up a VALUABLE player instead of Diabetes Cutler? Sure you left hella points on the bench, but you stuck to your guns and got the win. (Not that its an accomplishment against Juan) Now all you gotta do is come to the realization that you won’t make it out the first round of the playoffs like Marvin Lewis.

Ed (Edd, Ed N Eddy) 107.95 vs Los Lobos 150.40

How many TE’s combined will it take Ed to get to 10 points? A week after I told you not to look at the app, you decide to sit Jimmy Graham and start the Carolina TE that probably played for an Iranian basketball team. How many times you gonna have two spots amount to less than 3 points? Even Yahoo has said you “failed to meet expectations all season”. You need to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself “Am I retarded”. Like look through yearbook photos, check childhood photos, and see if there’s any indication that people are looking at you with pity. Check if you’ve had some head trauma or something because its only gonna get worse when the bye weeks get here.

Lobos, I’m happy you’re still with us. Even if you beat up on I Am Sam, a win is a win. You ain’t have many options with Jordan Reed and Randall Cobb out but you prevailed. Now don’t think this gives you free reign to be talkin’ reckless in the league chat. This just means we walked you back from the ledge. It ain’t gonna be a happy season, we just want you to feel good until we drop you in December.

Who Let the Air Out? 87.50 vs ANOTHA WON 122.20

THIS was supposed to be the matchup to see, but thanks to Quis’ blasphemous ways, he ended up with the LOWEST POINT TOTAL ON THE WEEK. Regular season Quis startin’ to look real regular. Sure, you think it’s a fluke that Crabtree and Carr COMBINED for a whopping 11 pts. But last week’s recap I FUCKIN TOLD YOU THAT CRABTREE WOULDN’T BE THERE TO BAIL YOU OUT. I want everyone to witness the beginning of the end of Quis’ ability to get his money back in the league. You’re winnin days are over. You don’t come to my crib, wish my baby a happy birthday and eat a perfectly grilled, freshly seasoned, condiment laden burger and tell DA GAWD how he ain’t shit. This is only the beginning. All you gotta do is repent sinner and the losses will stop with David Johnson and Crabtree. Until then, BEND DAT KNEE. And don't be tryna use someone else's knee for your punishment.

               

The first disciple on the other hand got ANOTHA WON. Staying humble and ever vigilant, Gerald’s squad managed to overcome a Sproles catastrophe and a Hard Knock defense. He benefitted from Da GAWD’s 5 Guys Prayer and saw Devante Parker catch his TD. He believed the whole time. Now all he gotta do is stay blessed and Dominican and he’ll be on his way to the promised land to face DA GAWD in Valhalla. Stay blessed my nigga. Stay blessed. I'll keep answering dem prayers.

Hodor 112.70 vs No One 150.35

Rich gotta be the only person in Fantasy to start Tom Brady and LOSE. If Tom Brady can’t overcome ya dumbass lineup choices, there ain’t no hope for you. Especially when you lookin’ for production from Jack Doyle. Not like any of that mattered though. Maybe its your team name. Instead of focusing on the sexcapades of fictional characters where dragons get brought back to life by ice demons and random metal chains sprout from the ocean, you should be hittin that waiver wire. I bet you had a seizure when you saw DA 4 Eye’d GAWD predict you losing and it happened.

 

No One, you’ve been blessed by Da Many Win Gawd. In your greatest time of need, I heard your prayers and answered with the ridiculous 60 yd TD at the end of the game. While you might be wondering why it didn’t work last week, you need to remember that DA GAWD AIN’T GONE LOSE! If there’s anyone that deserves third place this year, it’s gonna be you. Hurricanes are a bitch, but you held up.

Beard In The North 151.35 vs Owen 110.00

Shorty I ain’t even gonna waste the GAWD Hands to type out your recap. All I had to do was change the points at the end. Imma just copy and past the same shit I said last week: Shorty, I wish I knew what was going on in your head when you thought Austin Hooper Martavis Bryant would duplicate last week’s effort. Did I beat you so bad  last  two weeks ago that you’re in the concussion protocol? Its not ALL your fault though……right? Jordy Nelson Kelvin Benjamin was supposed to make up for the fact that Isiah Crowell ain’t a real fuckin RB……right? You know what, it’s a good thing you’re in the honeymoon phase of marriage because your squad is going through a breakup.

Beard, you’re in the upper echelon of undefeated people. You started Diggs without Bradford like your balls were made of the frosted beard you have. Who needs that Steve Diggs “Cool juice”. I mean, you shouldn’t have started Hooper, but who gives a fuck when you got Leveon Bell and Todd Gurley. It will be my pleasure to send you to the depths of 4^rd place in the playoffs when I face you. Until then, salute.

DA G.A.W.D. 144.60 vs Yahoo Cannot Find This User 107.75

Does Juan create two teams in this league to know how it feels to be a loser twice in one week? Matter of fact, he must want 3 times because bitch ass OBJ thought pissin on DA GAWD’s grass was gonna get him a win. OBJ was wrong, and so was Juanathan. Listen, if you’re going to join the league and put up pathetic numbers, at least change your avatar. Try again next week when you’re a REAL team Pinnochio.

Yahoo did all the work in describing what’s happening this season. “GAWD, winning proved that jonathan's Team is no matchup for you. But the Toyota Hall of Fame would prove that no Fantasy players are your equal……It's not time to start talking about undefeated seasons yet, people, but GAWD has kept the streak alive after demolishing Beast Mode BOSS (92.85 to 78.65) and No One (153.95 to 128.40).

Got DA GAWD going up………… on a Tuesday. I just did three in row………..THEM SHITS IS BACK TO BACK TO BACK NOW. Juan think I’m gonna………. lose, don’t give a damn bout what he…………… think. Quis gon lose some more…....... cause his squad stink.

-Amen

El Chapo (Week 2)

WOOOO! Another Week down, another recap to describe my road to victory. The standings show the cream of the crop, the milk, and that crusty sediment that ain’t never going nowhere. I know its early in the season, but ya’ll better start makin’ moves. Otherwise ya’ll gotta start praying that 2^nd string players start getting hurt.  Lets check out how you peons did.

Beard in the North 95.75 vs BoobyGang 83.60

“Boobies are colonial breeders on islands and coasts. They normally lay one or more chalky-blue eggs on the ground or sometimes in a tree nest.” – Wikipiedia

Our boobie has now laid two eggs and is probably due for more. Eddie Wins-low thought it would be a good idea to start a receiver on the Rams not named Sammy. I’m convinced at this point – any Jet loving fan that joins this league is bound to be shitty as long as Todd “Bowels” is still the coach. The craziest part is that his worst performance didn’t even come from the handful of tits. You’d think Mr. A- draft himself wouldn’t be ONE FUCKING PLAYER away from a train wreck. I bet the weekend after our draft you were like “Yahoo knows wassup. Even they lazy-ass auto recaps know what they talkin about” FUCK-OUTTA-HEA! Just delete the app. I’ll let you know when to come back.

Beard, just be happy you played a Jet fan. Start getting creative because there won’t be too many more low scoring weeks like this one. This first snow of winter came and Greg Olsen is down. Without him, you’ll be bendin’ dat knee in no time. If you can weather the storm that is Andrew Luck’s bum shoulder, TY might get you back into “Over 100 Pts” territory. Until then, Chuck Pagano out here saying Luck will be back in 2 weeks while Luck lookin like this -

ShuTheBucUp 140.45 vs The Montreal Alouettes 94.90

The fact that “jonathan’s team” don’t even put a capital J lets you know his team is cheeks. Its just so lazy. You know shit is rough when you startin a third string RB and we ain’t even into bye weeks yet. And you got a STABLE of even more bums with TJ Yeldon, Eddie Lacy, and Sterling Shephard. Only thing worse than getting negative pts from a defense is getting negative points FROM A RECEIVER IN A PPR LEAGUE. I mean shit, even if he catch it in the backfield for a loss he still at .5 pts. Your whole squad deserves to play in Canada so they can get some shine. I just feel bad AJ is associated with your squad.

Way to bounce back from that loss Buc. Looks like you still believe in HBO programming by starting DJax, but at least you got the win. Solid wins like this gon’ keep you in the runnin for the playoffs. Then again, you wastin roster space on a dude like Alfred Morris. Ya win some, ya lose some and that explains why you’re 1-1. Oh and fuck ya Chiefs defense for playing against the Eagles. Don’t get too hyped like ya man Jameis.

Aaron out my Nelson 117.80 vs Suicide Watch 96.00

I play with Belvi in two leagues. He’s in three in total. He doesn’t have a win in any league as we finished Week 3. He’s gone through injuries with Jordy Nelson while also suffering from bad calls like starting a Giants Defense while knowing the offense can’t stay on the field. As a good friend does, I ask I BEG each of you to donate Fantasy Tips to this Hurricane Monday victim. Send your best tips with #NoWins – it might just save a life.

Quis, you’re getting wins but your squad lookin’ thin. Crabtree ain’t gonna be there to bail you out every week. The fact that you HAVE to start Kerwynn Williams must keep you awake at night because we ain’t even at the bye week level yet. The plagues are upon you playa. Its only a matter of time until you come face to face with Da Gawd.

J&D’s Incest Baby 147.25 vs Sheesh Mode 110.40

Shorty, I wish I had a knew what was going on in your head when you thought Austin Hooper would duplicate his 2 catch effort for 100 yds and a TD. Did I beat you so bad last week that you’re in the concussion protocol? Its not ALL your fault though……right? Jordy Nelson was supposed to make up for the fact that Isiah Crowell ain’t a real fuckin RB……right? You know what, it’s a good thing you’re in the honeymoon phase of marriage because your squad is going through a breakup.

What a time to have Tom Terrific. You pretty much had this win in the bag before getting ready for Monday. While it was a good win, it wasn’t a great win. Later in the league, you’re gonna wish you had those extra points from Emmanuelle Sanders. There’s gonna be a playoff spot you wish you had but you’re gonna be 20 points short. Don’t get comfortable, Da Gawd knows all and sees all.

ANOTHA WON 149.80 vs Hangin’ w/The Kids 140.45

Remember that year everyone thought AP wouldn’t come back from knee surgery and blew it out the water? Remember how people that AP would still have something left in the tank for the Saints? That’s how Juan Fantasy season is gonna look. Sure, you might have had a 0-6 start and go on to get a chip. But you think that’s happenin twice?!? Give it up playa. You is a daddy. Instead of changing diapers you shoulda changed Howard for West once you saw DA GAWD was startin Tarik Cohen.

G, in all the leagues I’ve played in, I’ve NEVER seen someone go back to back. Especially someone that didn’t know “Who da fuck David Johnson” is. You should be ashamed beatin’ up on a dad like that. He thought he still had a life. He thought he could sleep in a little bit. He thought he had time on Sunday morning for breakfast and Bleacher Report. You just being a bully to a dude two weeks in a row. On a separate note, I’m waiting on a the day you start Witten and he does the opposite of last year’s Witten/Bryant connection. I’m thinking a -5 day with 2 fumbles.

DA G.A.W.D. 153.95 vs No Power 128.40

I hate it had to go down like this Jesus. But you know what? When you ain’t wanna trade Tevin Coleman last year, that rubbed Da Gawd the wrong way. So I had to take you out. I had to score the most points for the weeks. I had to show you omnipotent power that is DA GAWD. What else could I do? Let you think you had some power over me with last week's high scoring total? I went lights out this week.

We’re two weeks in and I don’t think ya’ll understand what’s about it happen this year. Y’all must think I call myself the Gawd for fun huh? When you take the moniker, ya gotta have a reason. I'm Da G.A.W.D. - Good At Winnin' DAWG. I USED THE SAME LETTERS IN MY NAME DAWG CAUSE I'M DA GAWD! Last year was a fluke. Now that the stars are re-aligned properly after this year’s eclipse, I ain’t never lookin back. Just say your prayers everyone – the plagues are comin.  

-Amen

Wins & Losses (Week 1)

“You have to EAT the dream, you have to SLEEP the dream, you have to DREAM the dream, you gotta touch – YOU HAVE TO SEE WHEN NOBODY ELSE SEES IT. You have to FEEL it when it not TANGIBLE. You have to BELIEVE IT when you cannot see it. You gotta be POSSESSED with…..THE DREAM.”

Welcome to the beginning of the end bitches. You’re now in the presence of the many named Gawd aka the Bye Week Bully, aka Lord Waiver Wire, Your Grace, Asgarde’s Very Own, but better known as DA GAWD. After watching your pitiful attempts at stringing together a formidable squad in this year’s draft, we got to see how it all turned out week 1. Let’s just call Week 1 Failure to Launch. I wish I could insult each of you more but the NFL let everyone down this week – cept DA GAWD!

Beard In the North 142.3 vs “Player 2” 122.7

Bruh, your squad might as well be “Player 2” because you had no control over how Monday night went. Just when you thought you were blessed with Zeke playing, OBJ is out. Just when you thought you were up 20 pts, Steve Diggs turned to Stephon Diggs. I know its early in the season and you couldn’t even swap out Kirk Cousins when he played DA GAWD’S SQUAD, but be ready to make some changes sooner than later.  Oh and you better quit believing in that Giants team cause they let you down – big time.

Prepping for winter huh Beard? Getting a much needed win early is good since TY Hilton won’t have a QB for quite some time. I wish I could diss your team more, but it was actually a solid roster lineup and you got optimal points. BUT FUCK IT, YOU STILL TRASH FOR KEEPING DARREN MCFADDEN ON A ROSTER SPOT WHEN HE AIN’T NEVER GETTIN’ IN THE GAME!

J&D’s Incest Baby 95.25 vs GanGreen 132.45

I can’t make fun of a name that’s already bad so we’ll stick with it. While we’re at it, it’s a shame your fantasy fun ended on Thursday night. Sure Gillislee came through with 3 TDs, but did you think P.Richardson was an option going into Sunday’s games? I know he did better Dez, but I wouldn’t even invest the time it takes to find out what the P even stands for. He’s literally not worth the click – even with his 9 pts. Oh and lets hope Tom Brady the GOAT shows up instead of Tom Brady the goat – he fell so fast when pressure got to em.

GanGreen, I don’t know if you’re the same Bed Shittin’ Bowles from last year, but good win. Either that new colon worked wonders or we just got a new member that’s a Jet’s fan with an unoriginal Jet fan name. I’d say there’s room for improvement but you’re already forced to drop Kevin White, so continue doing no work. AND WHO THE FUCK IS Z.JONES!?!?  

Its a HardKnock Life 109.55 vs No One 169.40

You think just because your squad was on HBO that you’d have a good reason not to burn your jersey? Sure, mother nature dealt you a bad hand, but did you really think you could hide behind that excuse as Kareem Hunt singlehandedly made you do laundry by the 4pm games on Sunday? Your squad still seems kinda solid, so I’m sure you can recover – even if you got Ted “Hot Hands” Ginn.

Congratulations Jesus. You’ve shown what it means to be dedicated to the league. You wouldn’t let the largest hurricane in recent memory stop you from getting a victory. You even double’d down and Jax D came through with hurricane-like sacks. With the highest point total of the week, you got people bending da knee out here. Now if only our Commish would recognize that football is life, people wouldn’t have lost so many players in preseason with that early draft.

Wk 2 Win 2 128.95 vs Player Disconnected 103.70

How could Jonathan’s team leave any of Da Gawd’s players on the bench? Nah I’m playin, Agholor is awful. But it sucks that you picked the wrong Eagle to fly high with. On top of that, are you gonna double down on AP? We all saw him yell at Sean Payton and we know that ALWAYS works out……..right? Anyway, its week 1 and you still got studs (and no bench) so we’ll see where the chips fall.

The reigning champ managed to get a solid win after the collusion of a Rudolph for Ertz trade. How this shit league manages to let this happen right in front of their faces – I’ll never know. I mean, does this league have that low of self-esteem to think this collusion is acceptable? Did you all come from Mormon households that had multiple moms? Either way, congrats on getting production from Ertz. I’d say AB was great, but AB gonna be AB.

Hangin’ with Diapers 100.10 vs Aaron out my Nelson 148.00

I think we saw just how much of a Giants fan Juan is this week. With OBJ out, a terrible O-line and an old Forrest Gump QB, he thought gimpy hip Brandon Marshall was going to be the game changer. He had a viable Terrence West on the bench. Not only did he have baby brain, he started the defense that played against one of his own players – just erasing points. I think its time to focus on being a dad and retire from fantasy because its going to be a long year.

Regular season Quis did regular season Quis things. Getting points while having points to spare on the bench. But does he? With broke wrist David Johnson gone, things might get iffy. Plague 1 has already started my G. You thought you could just come to my daughter’s bday, laugh about my lack of playoff berth last year and think the plagues weren’t comin!?!?! I’m warning you now that Derek Carr is next. That goes for Gerald too for taking Da Gawd’s blessing in vain.

Yeast Mode Boss 78.65 vs GAWD 92.85

Yeast, let me introduce myself. You can call me your Grace, Vallhalla’s Victor, or simply GAWD. Either way, you weren’t prepared for the obstacles that would face you in this matchup. Da GAWD sent a prayer up to make sure that the same Kelvin Benjamin would do enough to grant him a win in 3 different leagues. Da Gawd faced David Johnson, Allen Robinson, AND Kareem Hunt across 4 leagues and still remained victorious. Don’t get down on yourself. You did nothing wrong – you just faced Da GAWD. Now pick yourself up, brush off this loss, and feel confident that YOU’LL NEVER BEAT ME!

“As I walk through the valley with my ladder and FLEX, I’m the realest nigga in it, I just happen to be the best.”

New basement, new counters on the way now

Brr, brr, that’s an alert FOR THE TOUCHDOWN

Week 2 is gonna be a doozy

-Amen.