Week 3 (IDFWU)

IDFWU

Ya lil, ya lil, dumb ass GM’s. I AIN’T FUCKIN WIT YOU!!! You chumps been acting like the mediocre mashup of backups and bums you call a “TEAM” is too good for a TRADE. A FAIR TRADE. At some point you guys will realize that your squads will get squashed. The following is a recap of week of mismanagement and poor trades.

Fartline Bling 106.20 vs Show Me Your Jor-Ds 189.95

Case 1 of Poor Management:

You are offered an ELITE QB for a high end WR2 before the games get going. Do you

• A.     Take the trade and benefit from points in the current AND following week?
• B.     Be counter offer for a bit more?
• C.     Say “NO” to said trade, Start a RB (THAT COULDN’T BEAT OUT A BUM KNEE RB) instead of the RB THAT EVEN YOUR OPPONENT SAID YOU SHOULD, and watch as your QB disappoints the metropolitan area royally ALL THE WHILE said WR2 puts up ZERO MUTHAFUCKIN POINTS?

If you can’t tell by now, Fartline picked C. He picked C like a kid that didn’t study for the test and watched time run out. Its amazing that your fantasy football Sunday could be over before the 1pm games finish. His pitiful performance would have only beat Juan AND HE’S 0-3! Use the illustration below to see where he fucked up.

TDs showed us again that he’s a points prodigy. He started an optimal lineup, got maximum effort from several players and was able to watch “60 Minutes” instead of the Sunday Night game – let alone the 4pm games. But the cracks in the armor are starting to show. The bye weeks are here. Jamaal Charles is coming and its starting to get chilly outside. I hope he enjoys this cushy buffer in points for now. It’ll fail him during that playoff push. In December he’s gonna be talkin bout “remember when I was 3-0 though?” But thanks for letting me watch Gerald stop enjoying wings on Sunday. Only winners get wings.

OBJ a Day Keeps Losing 101.75 vs Mushroom Tip Mosquitoes 138.70

Honestly, the only thing to sum up your performance so far this season is the picture below. You had so much faith in this cryin-ass, goal post fighting&losing ass, tantrum throwin one catch wonder that you were destined for this type of season. Seriously, how are your Sundays now? Do you just go to church? Asking the Lord “Why has thou forsaken my squad?” Are your Sundays now designated as “Terrific Lady” days? Do you get ice cream and watch the sunset? Like the sun has set on your team? I could go on, but I wanna save more insults for next week when you’re 0-4.

Mosquitoes, you should feel ashamed for pickin on an OBJ lover like this. I bet you barely set your lineup thinking that the Steelers defense was better than DEM EAGLES!. I mean, there’s nothing to see here. You started who you were supposed to start, got a mediocre performance and kicked a man while he’s down – just like a bloodsucker would. For that, you gets no picture.

Los Lobos 164.20 vs Bowles Movement 107.40

Case 2 of Poor Management:

You are offered an ELITE QB for one of the TWO high end TE talents on your team/CJ Anderson/Ryan Matthews. Do you:

A.     Realize that the multiple offers are quite good and reasonable and accept

B.     Think about an fair but strong counter offer

C.     Reject every proposed trade and START THE BUM ASS QB THAT GOES ON TO THROW 6 PICKS AND GET NEGATIVE POINTS BECAUSE YOU’RE A “JETS” FAN THAT CAN’T SEE PAST 8-8.

N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E FUCKING POINTS. Real talk, I’m bout to give Bowles Movement my daughter’s diapers because this dude just keeps shittin the bed. He’s burning through these fucking sheets week after fucking week and seems to be going for the record in shits taken in a league. He’s gonna need one of these to turn this turd tanker around.

Lobos, it looks like you’re almost there. 1 more week and Tom Terrific can start helping your squad at that desperate QB position and Josh Gordon might go Josh Gordon. Everything clicked and you even had points to spare with Hyde on the bench. The only insult that exists is that it WON’T work out like that. Josh Gordon WILL be a step slower. Tom Terrific WILL get hurt – fuck they might even stick with Garappalo (like how Bledsoe came back for a little and then Tom Terrific took off). At least you know you’re squad is playoff worthy.

10 Cruel Cam-mandments 113.75 vs A Team Has No Name 171.85

I told this chump his name was shit and he decides to keep going with it. I told him Russel Wilson was shit and he decides to keep him. I offered this chump two different QBs that outperformed his AND HE WOULDN’T BUDGE. That’s what you get for thinking Philip Dorsett was on the table for a got damn trade. “But at least Mark Ingram showed up” – WHO GIVES A FUCK. STEP UP THIS SHIT SHOW AND MAKE THE RIGHT TRADE AND STOP WHINING ABOUT JULIO NOT GETTING LOVE. If you followed my instructions and kept talkin shit, none of this would’ve happened. I think the picture below is an accurate depiction of your face on Monday.

No Names showed the cojones to start BOTH RBs. Your whole squad played in the Monday Night shootout and performed. But you know that’s not happening again right? You know you only felt good about Coleman because I kept pointing out you should get him. Trades like that won’t be coming your way and I’m not giving you insider secrets towards wins. Then again you had no choice since the bench had no one. Bottom line, you got REAL lucky on Monday. I’m talkin eating Lucky Charms with a unicorn’s horn up your ass. You probably used unicorn poop as ice cream and watched the points flow.

Le’Veon Better Come Back 132.65 vs ShuTheBUCup 165.05

Case 3 of Poor Management:

You are offered an ELITE QB for the CURRENTLY SUSPENDED Le’Veon Bell who will provide little value until then. Do you:

A.     Contemplate the trade and provide a counter offer to improve the team elsewhere?

B.     Reject the trade and start a Slippery Slope QB that’s been failing since last years playoffs and start THE 3^RD STRING MIAMI RB ALL BECAUSE YOU NAMED YOUR TEAM AFTER SAID SUSPENDED PLAYER?

This theme is getting old and so are these bad choices. As you can see, that fluke of a win last week was from the grace of Mary’s vagina itself. Even IF Le’Veon goes Le’Veon, that QB situation is suspect along with Garcon, Shephard, and Beaseley. I’m the Oracle of this here league and I envision some bad games ahead.

ShutTheBUCup, I bet you’re feeling real good about Marvin Jones huh? You must feel like “things are finally lookin up, I’m ready to BUC some people up”. While that may have been the case this week, I’m tellin you to keep those feelings in check. You need to separate yourself as far from 11^th and 12^th as possible. You’re hanging on by a thread so don’t do anything stupid anytime soon. A solid trade could get you to see the playoffs in the horizon.

Oh……y’all thought I was going to give Silent Bob the decency of a recap!??! THE MUTE MONSTER WON’T EVEN TALK SHIT – LET ALONE ACCEPT A TRADE/JOIN THE CHAT/ATTEND THE DRAFT. This Wizard of Oz wimp has benefited this season at the right times and is not worth the finger dexterity it takes to even write a beautiful recap for.

You lames get a lil win and you takin a pic, then you post it up thinkin that its making me sick.. I got a million trillion things that I’d rather do than to be trading with you losers. I got no feelings to go and I done had it up to “here” with you scrubs – I got no ceilings to go. 2 losses to some meek, silent amateurs!??!? There ain’t nuthin but TRILL in me so watch me rattle off three wins in a row for the TRILOGY.

OH and SHOUTS TO THEM 3-0 EAGLES!!!!!

Week 2 (Get My Shit Together)

Get My Shit Together

I woke up early niggas. I had a dream I came in THIRD niggas. So I guess I gotta get my shit together. Because its do or die now and I ain’t got time to be getting caught up in these trap games. I got a basement to win. I got diapers to buy. I got FANTASY FOOTBALL DREAMS TO CRUSH. So don’t make me get me get the car seat, niggas know I’m the pap pap. The game owes me this chip like Leonardo D’Cap – FACTS. So lets get into your pedestrian performances in Week 2.

OBJ a Day Keeps the Wins Away 97.65 vs Jay and Silent Bob 159.05

CLEAN UP IN AISLE 12(th) – cause this shit is getting messy. Now in dead last, you’ve managed to let my commentary from last week fuck up easy decisions. Lettin' Crowell and Bennett ball on the bench is ALMOST as bad as starting bum ass Eli Rogers. But what else should I expect from a Midgets fan. You just had a feeling that another “Eli” would save the day, huh?

Jay and Silent Bob lookin like the WU-Tang clan, cause they wasn’t nuttin to fuck wit the last 2 weeks. They sure were lucky Matt Forte did the heavy lifting and carried this squad to an easy victory. Shout out for thinking Jameis Winston could beat an angry 0-1 Cardinals team at home. The worst part is that you’re not the only person to have done this across the leagues I’m in. Pretty sure Jameis has crabs doing this everywhere now after a loss that bad. 

Los Lobos 101.25 vs Hartline Bling 149.10

OH MY GAWD. Now a neighborhood nigga like Gerald, ain’t spose to be putting beats on you like this. It looks like NONE of your players stepped up. Its like they took a day off. Its bad enough y’all rocking the same facial hair and cut, but now you gonna let him beat you like this? He might as well call you mini me after giving you that ass whippin.

I guess someone picked up the line for the Hartline Bling, because damn near EVERYONE went full retard on his squad. He even had points to spare with Stefon Diggs playing more like Stefon Urk’el than Steven Q, Urkel. Another week or two and a resurgence of Jamaal Charles you MIGHT even see me in the playoffs. But knowing you and your squad, you have more bench ballers than a true stud lineup. I’m betting that things start off ok and then a major fail as you get close to the playoffs – kinda like this

ShuttheBUCup 120.05 vs 10 Duel Cam-mandments 124.90

RIDING THROUGH THE WEEKS WIT MAD WOES! When it rains, it pours, and the Bucs could have really used AP. But alas, they lost by a mere 4 points. The good news is that its not like AP is out for the season. The bad news is that AP isn’t the only problem on this dumpster fire team. I know I advised you to start hittin them waivers, but not for Chris Thompson.

I warned you about Russell Wilson and you still stuck by his side. I guess you had no other choice, but I’m pretty sure there were some waiver QBs that are still getting pussy. Sure, you got the win this week, and Dennis Pitta's new hips make him look like RoboCop, but you’re gonna have to do better than that if you plan on going far. Oh and shouts to watching Woodhead go down too. You’re gonna need someone else now.

A Team Has No Name vs Mushroom Tip Mosquitoes 154.85

Now this is a more respectable type of matchup. Unfortunately the No Names came up lame. I wish I could insult your squad but that just happened to be decent starts. I mean, I don’t trust no Frenchy like Moncrief, but it made sense. I can’t even think of a GIF to describe the type of week this was for you.

Its funny to see the Mushroom Tip Mosquitoes think Jack Doyle was gonna be the ANSWER after 1 WEEK of two TDs. If I was a betting man, I’d bet the Mosquitoes picked up Jonas Gray right after he had 4 TDs in a single game. Keep thinking you can stream your way to production and you’re gonna be up Playoff Stream without a paddle.

Bowles Movement 122.20 vs Show Me Your TDs 127.40

Looks like the Bowles Movement took a #2 on his 2^nd straight loss. While your fandom for the Jets is admirable, you’re just making silly decisions. You let Travis Benjamin (in a Philip Rivers offense against the Jags) ball on your bench while Floyd caught 1 pass for a TD. I could tell you to make better decisions, but that’s not what the Jets are known for anyway. Shouts to using Ryan Matthews though.

The TDs must be feeling himself right now at 2-0. While he’s not DOMINATING wins, he’s still winning. But I think we’re gonna start seeing it all fall apart. You’ve got Jonathan Stewart looking injury prone, Arian Foster showing his age and  Spencer Ware waiting for Jamaal Charles to come back like he’s Forrest Gump. The end is nigh my nigga.

Le’Veon on a Prayer vs Trilladelphia Eagles

On Sunday morning, all I could think is that the Prayers started off the day listening to this. He ain’t even want the updated Kanye version. Talkin’ about some “You’re the only power that can save this team today. I can’t start like this. I promise to go to church next Sunday if I can get DA GAWD of Fantasy Football to shut up”.After watching Eric Decker go half retard on Thursday, he knew he needed to get down on his knees. He kept hoping and wishing for that victory, sending up prayers for the Patriots game and BOOM Jarvis Landry erupts for PPR usage.

Now I know you thirsty bums were waiting on my demise with your hatin’ ass energy. So I’m gonna hold this L like Goku holds Spirit Bombs.

Just know you were spared shorty – cause you never talked smack. I think the homie Jules Winnfield sums up this Week’s game from me. Shorty caught me in a transition. “I’m tryin REAL hard to be the shepherd”

Week 1 (Paradise)

Week 1 Recap (Paradise)

I guess my reputation is getting around as the Recap Ruler. The Sultan of Fantasy Football Insults. Mr. Don't Come Wit Dat Weak Shit. Like I explained to you amateurs during the draft, I'm in this league to win it all - and talk shit the whole way through. So without further ado, here is the recap you thirsty bitches been dying for.

Mushroom Tip Mosquitoes 123.00 vs Le'Veon a Wing and Prayer 102.85

I mean damn.With the lowest score of the week, Le'Veon better be the prayer you need answered. Todd Gurley showed you the sophomore slump, Justin Forsett BARELY got signed back on to a squad that he got 1000 yds rushing. Its a damn shame when your kicker is looking like the best player on your whole team.And you think LE'VEON BELL is gonna suddenly turn this lackluster squad into a championship contender when he comes back?

. .

Listen, you better hit them waiver wires like a hooker hits the corner AND FAST.


Now I don't know what to say about the Mosquitoes, but I guess congrats for winning? You still got a nigga on the PUP on your squad. Do you feel proud that your measly 123.00 could only beat 1 other team this week? Are you confident that you can contend for my coveted championship trophy? Do you feel in charge?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCXTu5jE-Ng

Bottom line, you made the right decisions and your team won. Just don't expect too many wins with that pedestrian performance.

ShuttheBUCup 110.80 vs Jay and Silent Bob 177.05

I promise I wouldn't wanna be the guy that shows up to the draft in a Bucs jersey to only lose Week 1 against his favorite teams' QB. I wouldn't wanna be the dude that thought Gary Barnidge was gonna be the savior for his team. But I'm not that guy and that's why I didn't lose. With a decent squad, the cards didn't play out. You better take the same advice from the loser above and start looking for a better squad outside Big Ben. Cause Keenan Allen AND you shared some Monday Morning Tears.


Silent Bob on the other hand came to play. He made ShuttheBUCup.......SHUTTHEFUCKUP. That's just sweet poetry if you ask me. Congrats on drafting well but remember, you only get Deangelo Williams for 3 more games. Knowing that you can't count on that type of production the rest of the season, I have to ask -


Bowles Movement 124.15 vs A Team Has No Name 153.35

Bowles Movement certainly shit the bed this week. The team that had the audacity to draft TWO quality TE's managed to forget that one wasn't playing. Did you think Gronk was gonna teleport to the game as a game time decision? With that said, I advise you start putting some players on the block to save this sorry ass excuse of a team. After the end of week, you must've been looking at your chance at a win like this -


Now the No Names came through with a respectable performance. Not championship worthy, but fuckin respectable. With points left to spare, I think he could be a playoff contender. Then again, I've seen plenty pretenders in my day, so I'll hold off harsh judgement for coming weeks. In the meantime, I can put some RESPEK on yo name.


OBJ a Day Keeps the Wins Away 131.45 vs Los Lobos 160.60

I tell ya, must've been nice watching two Midgets fans go at it. Too bad you believed in unproven, recently acquired Martellus Bennet over REGULAR STARTER JULIUS THOMAS! You thought Garapogos Island was gonna suddenly make Martellus Bennet the #1 TE of the week? The only thing you need to know is that OBJ was too busy givin BJs to Dez Bryant during warm ups to produce. You shoulda seen the writing on the wall.



Lobos on the other hand was nervous as FUCK going into Monday. He couldn't watch AB go AB because he's got him in other leagues. Guess you win some and lose some. Now IF (and that's a big fuckin IF) Tom Terrific comes back to slay folks, you might just see me in the championship. Then again, you don't need to do much considering you're playing Gerald Week 2. I can see him sweatin now.









10 Crap Commandments 126.70 vs Show Me Your TDs 169.05

There are so many things wrong here. First the Commandments don't even have Cam on their squad to dictate such a name. Secondly, they started a non-pussy gettin QB over the QB that was playing the DETROIT LIONS. The never winnin' DETROIT LIONS. Maybe its just me, but when I hear a Super Bowl winning QB decides to stay celibate for a chick that has CLEARLY BEEN SMASHING (has a kid as a result) he's called it quits on his testosterone. Meanwhile, Andrew Luck out here being the #1 QB of the week. I mean damn, how many players you gonna let ball out on the bench? Get your act together playa.


I've heard through the grapevine that the TDs is known for puttin up points and not winning chips. Clearly I see the former here. The only team to best DA GOD over here, he put great numbers. While the squad is EXTREMELY suspect with backups and flukes, I can't deny that he had the balls to put them in there. On a separate note, it might be time to change the name. I've seen too many TDs being shown around Fantasy Leagues and this is no different. You're better than that.



Coldline Bling 119.25 vs Trilladelphia Eagles 168.25

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uhky7pALFSA

I feel like winnin is the best drug and sometimes hate can be the best love. So when Gerald was talkin all the good shit after the draft, I knew to keep calm. After all I heard, I wasn't even panicking when Thursday Night came. So what Kelvin Benjamin scored? You think that could fuck wit Zeus Knuckles over here?

I walked in to Sunday like there was cameras on me, shit didn't get out of hand it got handled homie. The Hotline Bling called and Dez Bryant, Brandon Marshall, and MUTHAFUCKIN BACKUP JAMES STARKS hit the ignore button playa.
 

Bottom line, don't act surprised. I've been letting ya'll know since you fucked up and let me into this league. You might as well have flushed your money down the toilet. At this point, you probably tired of hearin the kid berate you and feel a little like this.



-Trilladelphia Out.