Nee-Nah (Week 9) {get it?}

 

What a week. After last week's TE TD thunderstorm, teams came back down to earth. With 4 weeks left of the regular season, we've got 4 teams in the hunt for the playoffs that are only behind by 2 games. It's still anyone's race to compete and there's plenty that could go right (or wrong ) leading up to the chip. Let's review the week. 

This Team Iz Kang 88.50 vs Your Chubby White Nabers 113.45

Now this was just low effort. At first glance you'd think Olave getting knocked out the game for the 2nd time in 3 weeks was the reason for your downfall. But there's multiple areas of disappointment. You left Amari Cooper in when they said he'd be out Sunday morning. Then Tyreek didn't get the 60 yd TD that can bail you out. You're still weeks away from getting Evans back. Just start scraping together that loser fee by asking for donations at the end of your comedy sets. Put it on a T-shirt with the Goucho Back meme. 

Looks like you're climbing out of your loser fee era. Even though starting Miles Sanders and Kraft was wild, you got a win. Don't make a habit of leaving points on the bench though. The standings are still very close for the playoff race and every point counts. I'd give you more props for the win but you beat up on Gordon. It didn't take much. 

I like to Marv it Marv it 113.30 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 119.20

Yikes. When that stack misses, it REALLY misses. Kyler and Marvin combined for less than 10 points on a day that the Cardinals scored 29 points. It must've been torture watching the Cardinals run the ball all day. The bright spots were still bright though. Devonta had a one handed grab that was outdone by "THE Hurdle". Otton still proved his waiver pickup value. You wouldn't have beaten anyone but Gordon this week, so go back to the drawing board to get right for the playoff race. It's now or never. 

Even in a game where Xavier Worthy manages to run for NEGATIVE 10 yards, you still get the win. At this point in the season, you should point everyone to your GAWDLY record when they ask why you make the decisions you do. The guy you "gifted" in the trade still lost and Patrick Mahomes had his best fantasy game of the season. Let em know who you are this season (or tell your girl to let them know since she's making these fantasy moves). It's gonna be a doozy fighting for supremacy in Olympus. 

Machine Gun Kelce 100.75 vs The Syndicate 152.90

Boy oh boy. Bet you thought you caught a lick when you got Goff for Mahomes. But between Goff, Mattison, and Wilson, you got 14 points. It's gonna be really hard to win games with that type of production. Maybe things will turn around when AJ and DK get healthy. For your sake, you better hope it's before Week 11. Not too many chances to make the playoffs after that. 

Another week and another back-against-the-wall win. I low key thought about taking Gesicki all week, but Da GAWD was gun shy from tinkering last week when the coveted undefeated season was over. But you made the right call and had him ball out for the easy win. You're firmly in playoff position, so as long as the others continue making hair-brained moves, you can join the battle in Olympus. Or maybe CMC comes back and gets injured Week 13 after you held em all season. Who really knows?? (Gawd shrug)

Team DQ 140.85 vs Get Off My Dak 146.55

What a nasty case of Balling on the Bench. It's like you sneezed and then had Josh Downs (against the Vikings defense) over Zay Flowers. Then as you laid down with some Puka Nacua soup to feel better, he crashes out and gets ejected. That was doubly bad because that meant even MORE targets for your opponent that has Kupp. I mean what are the chances that such a crazy turn events can happen to one guy in a fantasy matchup. Congrats on bringing more life into the world though. A fantasy matchup is an easy sacrifice for a dope day. I just realized you won't read this so forget it. 

Things were looking pretty bleak when Dak was getting roasted on the field and online. But things really started turning around when Puka got rejected. Kupp started running it up. Then you got that old thing back with Justin Jefferson to get right by Sunday night. Week 10 just might have your team at full strength for what feels like the first time in the season. There's s still room for your in this battle but unfortunately, I need Shorty to beat you in order to face me in the semi's. 

Saved by the Dell 138.90 vs Wilson! 165.80

Just when you started to have players perform you had to run into highest point total of the week. To add insult to injury, JSN absolutely crushed it on your bench. But that's been the story of your season all year. Right place, wrong time. Right time, wrong place. Seems like no matter what you do that loser fee is tattoo'd on you. On the bright side, I hope you start TJ Hockenson next week. You've had him all year on your bench doing nothing. Just see what happens. 

Highest point total of the week. Congratulations. This is the type of success I wanna see outta you from now til the playoffs. I want you to ride HIGH with big dreams of hoisting the trophy. I want you think about tucking that trophy in at night saying "it's finally mine". Let it all play out in your head.  I want you to have false hope in every one of your players until you face me. Excellent win this week. 

Django Achaned 147.75 vs Da GAWD Al Gaib 152.05

Your blood pressure must be all over the place. Two weeks in a row you had to wait for end of week scenarios and close matchups. I'm really curious what was worse? 

Losing your fantasy matchup by the final play on OT. 

Watching Saquon Barkley perform a move NEVER seen on a football field, IN AN EAGLES JERSEY, with your fantasy opponent having him at the same time

Personally I think I know but just let the chat know out of curteousy. It was a valiant effort but unfortunately you lost. Take solace knowing you're not fighting for your playoff life like the others. 

DA GAWDs loss last week reminded him of his mortal life. The pain and suffering that you all must go through. But after witnessing THE HURDLE, all the powers came flooding back. On Monday night late in third quarter, Da GAWD noticed his previous disciple having less than 25 yards. Da Gawd channelled his energy to achieve astral form. From then on, an explosion of offensive was bestowed on the field to will the victory. When I awoke from that form, the win was sealed. I didn't even have to take out the Nee-Nah to get him. 

#Amen

Nightmares (Week 8)

 

We're at the midway point of the season and it got real spooky out there. National TE day ended with damn near every tight end going crazy. The witching hour was at full peak. Absolutely gut wrenching losses were had by many. Somehow, 11th place is only 3 games removed from playoff contention with only 2 wins. It's still anybody's game. Let's get into what we all came here to read. 

This Team Iz Kang 112.50 vs Team DQ 166.10

At one point in the season, you had Baker Mayfield going crazy and Love looking like the new hailed Packer. This week left you with a lot of pain though.  Love going out in the middle of the game hurts. Kmet being one of the only TEs that didn't score a TD hurts. Leaving Tracy on the bench for Chubba Hubba hurts. You're chances at making the playoffs are already "The S, the L, the I, the M" (112 reference). Every choice counts moving forward. Don't be yourself. 

Congratulations on highest point total this week. Looks like that intentional punt last week was worth it. Almost your entire roster went crazy, with multiple players on your bench even going for 20+ points. I still can't figure out if you're really avoiding the champ curse or if it's the fact you played Gordon. Either way good win this week. 

Saved by the Dell 120.30 vs The Syndicate 147.50

Easy come, easy go. Just when you got your first win, then this shit happens. Caleb Williams comes out the bye like a scrub and makes DJ Moore get on the struggle bus with him. Then, with most your players out, you're forced to start the RB of greatness past Dalvin Cook. To add insult to injury, McConkey goes for 2 TDs on your bench. Good grief Charlie Brown. You might officially be out of the playoffs. 

Congrats on another victory thanks to the TD vulturing Jalen Hurts and WR nobody heard of til last week, Cedric Tillman. This season, you've made quite a habit of winning games with your back against the wall. Your bench was full of O's and you got the win anyway. You're still firmly in the playoffs hunt, so if you can avoid an injury or two, you can make it. Stay focused.

Get off my Dak 126.25 vs Looking at the Man in Jahmyr 127.35

1 point losses always hurt. They hurt because of the regret and the lasting effects of the start em sit em dilemma. Legette getting a TD before Allen this week with baby boy Bryce at QB? Mostert running like last year? Doubt has a way of seeping into the mind and corrupting well thought out plans. Hopefully it won't corrupt your decisions for next week. You're starting to fall into the danger zone of standings. You're not in good company. Look at who your neighbors (Nabers?) are. 

On the flip side, getting a 1 pt victory sometimes feels better than a blowout. Making your opponent sick with envy knowing they could've won if they had just one more catch for 3 yds is one of the greatest joys of this game. The student has become the teacher in this moment. Bask in this feeling and send subliminal shots to him all week after you were interrogated for a manly trade. You earned it this season. 

Machine Gun Kelce 133.85 vs Your Chubby White Nabers 159.75

When Calvin Ridley had 100 yds in the first half of the game, I thought your team was finally turning around. Without Metcalf your team was pulling out all the stops, and even Travis Kelce was getting in on the action. It was all good til Sunday night though. Then the dreams turned to nightmares as Adam put together a desperation surge. We'll see if you'll be active this week in the chat after this loss. 

Second win of the season and a strong one at that. Lamb showed up when you needed him most. You didn't even need Alec Pierce to catch a 60 yd TD to do it. Right now you, Gordon, and Quis are playing hot potato to figure who's coming in 11th. This might be the start of a surge out of that position. Keep going.

I like to Marv it Marv it 163.85 vs Django Achaned 165.60

Despite how other people probably felt, this was matchup of the week. It was commendable to watch you fight til the bitter end. That 1pm witching hour surge you had was crazy. Your team might've scored 4 tds within a 3 minute timeframe. But like DA GAWD, you were severely let down by Caleb Williams. Even worse, Kyler would've got you the win. The only bright spot is that the "points for" column still matters in the long run. Your playoff position hangs in the balance.

Juan, you and your buddy must've pulled out all the stops for this weekend. With one player left to get the victory, you went from sniping to trophy picture. That confidence transferred through to Pickens when he caught a bomb to seal the deal. Congrats on the victory, but Da GAWD saw that YOU posted the diss video. Colluding on Da GAWD to blemish an otherwise perfect season won't be unpunished. Hope the trip was worth it. 

Wilson! 134.85 vs Da GAWD Al Gaib 127.10

On Sunday, while Da GAWD was home and sick with nothing to do but watch football, it dawned on me what happened. You and your buddy decided to voodoo your ways to victory. By sacrificing a Giants win, all your dreams would come true. Both of you got victories when there shouldn't have been one. Garrett Wilson puts up season high numbers with ANOTHER wr there? Taylor gets his TD while hurts vultures 2? I bet you feel great knowing you prevented the perfect season. Just know that I wish NOTHING more than to see you in the playoffs. I'm rooting for you from here on out. 

This was Shorty Sunday

Last week, I inadvertently asked to be humbled and here I am. This is the part of the movie when Luke loses his hand and realized his Dad is Darth Vader. This is when the Atredies army is reduced to ruin. When Simba starts the Hakuna Matata journey. 

I took Monday to really feel the feels of this loss. I see why Tom Brady would give up 2 rings to get the 1 undefeated ring. I contemplated what else is there to play for. I asked co-workers "how do I come to terms with these mortal feelings?". At one point, all I could think about was that it was all a dream and never happened OR that I wish I had a time machine (but to win the lottery but to keep an undefeated fantasy season). 

The perfect season may be gone, but a dominating one is still here. Now it's time for the climb back. 

#Amen

Humble Me (Week 7)

 

What a weird week. The full moon had must've taken effect because four....FOUR squads couldn't break 100 points. I don't know if ya'll were at some fall festival and forgot or maybe some of you finally came to terms with the fact that DA GAWD is gonna win anyway. What's the use in checking player updates if destiny will arrive all the same anyway.  Let's recap on where things went wrong and where they went right. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 69.85 vs Saved by the Dell 130

This score had me really questioning what your weekend was like. It started with the donut on Thursday by Sutton and the subpar kicking. Then your team went full blown Simple Jack once Sunday started. The way you couldn't get 70 pts had me thinking that someone got hurt - but no. You had three spots score less than a point and none of em were hurt. Starting the Falcons had to be a decision while you were at some concert with a baddie because the Seahawks have been putting up points regularly even against good defenses. In this race to the bottom, you lost. Keep fighting to prevent the loser fee. 

After 6 weeks of absolute basura play, you finally get a win. St. Brown and the rest of your squad acted like a full fledged fantasy team again. While your team's namesake did absolute nothing (don't forget you could've had Collins) just about everyone stepped up. Now don't think this is the start of some playoff run. You're still holding on to Hockenson like you didn't just have a great game from Njoku. I'm wondering if you'll start him when he's eligible just because you held a valuable bench slot for this long. Good win though. Let's see if you end up with the loser fee. 

Team DQ 78.10 vs Machine Gun Kelce 123.70

"The devil be doing you, right when you doing it, the devil will ruin you" After stringing together some good wins and putting your trust in Jayden Daniels enough to drop Purdy, you get hit with the plagues. You must've walked under a ladder and pet a black cat on Friday. You lost THREE players to injury and one of em might be out for the season. On top of that, you left a TE in on the bye week while choosing to keep Aubrey on the bench. You held a kicker on your bench right as your team was on the up swing. At some point, you gotta explain what happened in the chat because I'm lost. Or send smoke signals or something other than silence. 

Whew. That was a rough string of weeks for you there. But here we are. You finally got AJ Brown back and you wisely started the player you spent FAAB bucks on this week. Even better, you didn't leave too many points on the bench. At some point, you might even get a resurgence of Travis Kelce on your squad. Hopefully for you, Metcalf's injury isn't a season ender or anything. So you'll still be in fighting shape for the rest of the season. Keep fighting for your place in the playoffs. It looks possible with dudes like DQ making ridiculous choices. 

Wilson! 88.20 vs The Syndicate 114.20

I tried to explain to a lot of people before the season started that Stroud was absolutely due for a regression. It finally reared its ugly head during a week you needed him most. He didn't even throw for 100 yards. Then Davante Adams wants that old thing back and kinda puts Wilson in question. To top it all off, you decided to start Jeudy when people have been praying for a Watson downfall. I wonder many times you looked at your lineup and wondered who roofied you. There were enough points on the bench to get you the win but it just didn't happen. Yikes. At least the Steelers won despite starting Russ. 

Looks like you benefitted heavily from those Saquon vultures. Had Hurts just handed it off to Barkley a few more times, this game would've been closer. You should really count your lucky stars you got this win. There weren't that many options on your bench to get you this win and a lot of your players under performed. I don't know if you can keep getting wins with the status of your squad now, but be grateful for this week. It was a hard earned win. 

Get off My Dak 84.30 vs Django Achaned 113.45

When the week started, you were almost giddy with the thought that Kupp could be back. I believe the meme went "Woo, Imma make a name for myself here". Then you saw the news that Kupp wasn't playing and panic added Jordan Whittington -  who ended up without any targets or point. Not only did Kupp not play, but Deebo went out of the game with a donut. Now if you had that divine intervention like ya boy in another league and picked up Bateman, you could've turned this whole thing around. He was available in this league too. Damn shame how you lost this one. I don't think this was the name you meant to make for yourself this week. You can look at my score to see how its done. 

Thank goodness for that Burrow/Chase stack. This matchup was looking awfully rough to start out. to be honest, I'm surprised you're still stubbornly starting Stevenson when you got up and coming Bucky Irving just rotting on the bench. I also see you decided to get cute by starting the Jets D considering Russ was starting. The problem is that you forgot that they're still the Jets. I think that Davante trade just had you extra juiced for a Jets resurgence. Good win. But lets see what you do next week now that you saw Pickens put up points and Adams go quiet. 

This Team Iz Kang (1999) 127.80 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 153.05

Don't take this loss personally. You put up enough points that you would've beat over half the league this week. Da GAWD still granted your Evans TD, but I had to work in mysterious ways since you only changed half your name. See I was up against Evans in another galaxy while I had Bateman and Henry left while being down 40 points. Drastic measures had to be done and we needed to stop the Evans bleed. You started everyone you were supposed to and there's nothing else you could do. Just be happy you're not bottom feeding with the 1-6 teams. You'll get em next week. DA GAWD decrees it. 

You just won't go away huh? Just when I'm trying to make the perfect screenshot of no one being close to my record or points, you decide to put up the second highest points of the week. You started the optimal lineup with no errors. If DA GAWD didn't know any better, he'd think that ChatGPT became sentient on your phone and has been making all the decisions for you. At some point, we'll all uncover the ridiculous change up. Until then, keep basking in this redemption season.

I Like to Marv it Marv it 140.00 vs DA GAWD Al GAIB 185.50

I gotta hand it to you. Before you boarded that plane, I'm sure you thought you had a shot at besting Da GAWD. Enough so, that you challenged me. But we all know that the inevitable was coming. You smartly sat your precious stack, but it really didn't matter. Unfortunately you would've beat every team except two and had to run into DA GAWD. Damn shame how scheduling makes things so hard. Your team is still in fighting shape though and has enough ability to at least make the playoffs. Hope you enjoyed your trip. 

DA GAWD tried to humbly draft. DA Gawd could've made a crazy ruckus. But people don't respect you, when you don't draft like them. So I gotta get highest points damn near every week. I gotta go undefeated. I made it from so underrated. I'm moving like I'm undisputed. You think losing Godwin is gonna stop this train? Just wait for the next pickup. Just wait for the next miracle. At some point it will sink in. Its like these recaps are going in one pupil and out the other. Get your pepto bismal ready because ya'll gonna be sick in Week 8. 

#Amen

Perfect Plex (Week 6)

 

We're 6 weeks deep in the league and the drama is just ramping up. More people are being converted to believers as miracles and prophecies continue to come to fruition. While Da GAWD was in another country, he had time to reflect on the state of the league and what has transpired in this Game of Throws. Let's get into it.

Your Chubby White Nabers 113.75 vs The Syndicate 123.90 

DA GAWD knows this win would've meant a lot to you Adam. With no Nabers or Kyren, a win without some of your best performers is the best way to capitalize on the season. The headscratcher was starting two TE's with one of them being the 19th option in a stacked receiver room. If you moved LaPorta to TE, and swapped him for Sutton, you probably could've got the win. I'm not saying you're  gonna make the playoffs (because you're not) but just fight enough not to be next to Eddie by the end of the season. 

At the time of this writing, you have just landed. DA GAWD appreciated the offerings that were bestowed before him in another galaxy, so with that, I have blessed with you with a Lazard blessing to win your matchup. I will also prevent Josh Allen from beating you and ruining the fun that you can reflect on. Congratulations on remaining focused on getting this team on the right side of .500. There's lots of season left and you'll need to continue fighting. 

Machine Gun Kelce 116.85 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 126.85

This week gave you all the could-a, should-a, would-a's. Why you continue to trust Calvin Ridley when he has a human whoopie cushion as a QB, I'll never know. THEN you spent $20 American FAAB dollars on Alexander Mattison to not start em. You could've started him or Michael Wilson and still won, DESPITE Goedert and Shaheed leaving their games early. Just when you get AJ Brown back you go and do something like this. Dust yourself off and try again next week. 

Just wow. Trav, you've officially moved up into the ranks of being close to the top of the dunes of Arrakis with DA GAWD. You made a gutsy call and sat Cook well before Monday. Many in your position may not have done so. Your'e making video jokes in the chat. Drafting like a champ, and firmly atop the standings. The rest of the league should be on notice that you've made the 3rd year leap that WR's do. 

Saved By the Dell 118.65 vs Team DQ 145.75

Da GAWD is starting to think you've officially checked out of the league. Maybe you're commiserating in the gym with Hector. You're both talking about how lame the league is and how ya'll don't need it. And when he leaned in for a hug, you remembered how he felt about Tom Brady. In any case, it might help to turn on the notifications in the chat. Maybe by seeing the discussion points, it could help you realize your back is against the wall. Teams don't make it to the playoffs with 8 losses and you already have 6. 

DQ, I really thought you would be afflicted by the champion curse, but it looks like you passed it to Eddie final destination style. You've now committed to Jayden Daniels, released Purdy from purgatory and have started adding players in preparation for the playoffs. DA GAWD sees all. Just leave a thumbs up emoji if you ever see this recap. I don't even need you to post in the chat. 

Django Achaned 110.90 vs This Team Iz Kang (Kwisatz) 144.70

DA GAWD hopes you're in a good place. Lowest point total of the week. No Stevenson, Achane, or Adams. You got stuck starting Trey Sermon for a measly 2.9 points while backfield vulture Allgeier went for almost 20. None of this was your fault which probably allowed you to just eat the loss. There's really not much to say about this one except don't take it too bad that you lost to Gordon. His team is better than most people think, despite how it started. 

I hope you learned your lesson from last week about trying to adopt a similar name to the GAWD. I think some of my aura must've rubbed off while I battled you in the trenches and you were able to get some commanding points from everyone, including your bench players. You probably took Tracy Jr off waivers just to prevent people like Gerald from winning. True gamesmanship. But this victory didn't come without sacrifice. At least you won't feel forced to start Olave expecting 2nd round pick returns. Congrats on the win. 

I Like to Marv it Marv it 123.60 vs Wilson! 140.50

While having a stack is always preferred by DA GAWD, the true stack is the trifecta. For your team, if either Murray or Harrison don't play/play well, the whole stack falls. That's what happened this week. when I offered you a blessing on Monday night, Da GAWD forgot that the Saleh firing was the "only" blessing you wanted for the season, so I had to revoke it. Next week when we face off, I'll try to take it easy. You're welcome. 

Quite the bounce back after having a rough time last week. Da GAWD tried to do you a favor by making sure White was out and you wouldn't have to start him, but I didn't think you'd put Jerome Ford in there. You got some great games out of Stroud, Mixon and your teams namesake. Maybe you'll get lucky in a few weeks and go on a run with Chubb. Or maybe he'll be a week to week start em sit em headache and the time you finally decide to start him - he beats the Steelers. 

Get Off my Dak 124.80 vs DA GAWD "Rojo" Al Gaib aka 172.75

No one can take away the fact that you were able to 3-peat chips in this league. Especially after taking advantage of a bad trade from DA GAWD. But there's nothing you or anyone else in this league can do to stop the prophecy that is unfolding before everyone's eyes. You think it was just coincidence that we had a matchup when Kupp and Jefferson were on a bye? You think your team's namesake put up the LOWEST QB points in a week we've ever seen - BY CHANCE!?!? It may be time to convert sooner than later. 

Highest point total of the week AGAIN. 6-0. The Syndicate was able to travel like a disciple with DA GAWD and be first hand witness of the miracles. While walking through the towns, he even asked "I still don't get why you picked up Dobbs, Doubs, however you say his name". Da GAWD explained and on Sunday Doubs went for 2 TDs. The week after Nico goes down. Many other miracles he witnessed as room situations were upgraded sight unseen. There have been many NFL teams that can repeat and be dynasties. But there's only ONE 1972 Dolphins. DA GAWD Al Gaib does it for the prophecy.

#Amen

 

Overtime (Week 5)

 

Week 5 brought the fireworks out to start October huh? Multiple teams hit some impressive heights in points scored and provided some much needed rejuvenation to your squads. Its especially impressive when you think of the bye weeks adding extra complication to teams decimated by injuries. Its almost like all the players that were garbage the last 4 weeks just showed up out of no where. Let's recap on how this week turned out. 

Get off My Dak 110.40 vs I like to Marv it Marv it 166.95

You know times are rough when you gotta start both Deebo and Jennings. They didn't even combine to 10 points. Even though none of your players were on a bye, those injuries might as put them on hiatus. Guess it was easier to just enjoy those mai thai's next to a big screen on your birthday. Takes the sting out of this loss just a bit. I don't think this was the birthday present you were looking for, but maybe Kupp comes back when its time for you to face Da GAWD next week. 

This was one of your best performances this season Jesus. Things were already looking up on Thursday when Darnell shot for the Moon and was your highest scorer. You followed that up with Higgins and Kyler going nuts. You might be shaking off some of that chip hangover at this point. If it weren't for the fact that those Jets keep letting you down, you might be able to let loose and enjoy this season a bit more. 

The Syndicate 123.00 vs Team DQ 153.00

This was a tough loss. Watching Tank Bigsby go nuts on your bench in this matchup had to leave you sick. No amount of smacking a pickle ball can take away that pain. Until Waddle gets a competent QB and two of your players come back from IR, you're going to have to continue to get creative with your starts. There's not a lot of bench spots in this league and holding that type of dead-weight could mean life or playoff death. We'll see what moves you make for Week 6. 

In a week that had almost every defense score 10 points or more, its surprising you won while the Baltimore defense put up 1 point. Either way, its impressive you've landed on the right side of .500 despite the way this season started for you. Bijan might not be showing that talent that made you take him in the first round, but the rest of your squad showed up in a big way. I've already wrote too much for someone that hasn't looked at these recaps. 

Machine Gun Kelce 124.85 vs Django Achaned 185.10

Damn. You go from facing DA GAWD last week to running into the team that put up the most points of the SEASON. I get it though. Damn near everyone was on bye for your team and Singletary was out. Even worse, Singletary's backup looked decent while the Giants went on to win. None of it mattered though because there wasn't a chance in hell you were gonna win against that many points. At least you had time to wash ALL the clothes. I'm talking linens, curtains, and blankets. You must've even had time to swap summer for winter clothes. You'll bounce back next week though with most of your players back. Just have my money. 

Good Lordy. Most points of the season so far and you could've had even more if you started Sermon over Wicks. All that contract stress you had to deal with paid off this week though. That Burrow/Chase stack went for 91 points alone. Even Kyle Pitts got into double digits. If you're lucky, Achane going down might make it easier to start Bucky Irving next week. Like I told you early in these recaps, just have your mind set on facing Da GAWD in the chip. Its gonna be one to remember. 

Wilson! 133.65 vs Your Chubby White Nabers 143.75

Ouch. No Taylor, no Mixon, and Dobbins on a bye. Had you sent a prayer up to Da GAWD Al Gaib, you might've had a fighting chance. I know its even more painful that players like Wilson go off in a week that you didn't really need them to and the fringe players you count on put up duds. The only thing going for you is that you already had 3 wins going into this game, so you could afford to lose at least this week. If you find yourself in a bind though, you know who to call. 

Finally right?? With your back against the wall with absolutely NO ONE to start and Nabers out, you managed to get your first win. I envision that you looked like Vince McMahon as Kraft caught the long TD, then Pierce caught the long TD, and THEN Slayton balled out. Despite Allen, Lamb and Kyren putting together pedestrian games, you gotta hand it to your replacements. It may not get better, but bask in the win. You earned it. 

Saved By The Dell 138.65 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 182.60

This is really troubling to see Eddie. You're now 0-5. Even the Jaguars managed to get a win this week. How long are you going to hold on to Hockenson while you wait for your first win? The Aaron Jones train has finally crashed (as expected) and Roshon Johnson won't keep getting those garbage time TDs. Your team is in serious trouble. Once you get to 7 losses, just call it a wrap. If you set aside 1 dollar a week from now til next draft day, you can help support starving drafters like you next year. It might be a better investment than searching the waives with your FAAB money. 

Now this deserves a slow clap. From laughing stock to one of the highest point totals scored this season. First Drake London went off then Lamar got some extra time to get busy. The biggest shocker is having the balls to lock in on Whittington (who wasn't even on DA GAWD's radar) instead of Lockette facing the Giants. If you were an NFL player, you'd be tested for PEDs by now because this type of performance needs to be investigated when compared to your previous seasons. Either way, great win. You'll be a fun fresh face in the playoffs. 

This Team Iz NOT THE KWISATZ HADERACH 119.70 VS Da Gawd AL GAIB 132.25

While Da GAWD was enjoying his time away, you thought you could play GAWD huh? Kwisatz huh? Thursday started with a solid performance from Evans. Then Chubba Hubbard and Scary Terry started putting in some work. By Sunday night, you thought it'd be fun to add a little funny name for your fantasy team after watching Sam Darnold completely faceplant against his old team. Then Monday night came....and went. You were up 3 points with Olave and Grupe to go and they combined for a paltry 3 points. Nice try though.

The universe been sending DA GAWD all the signs except stop it. The league been plottin' on me but here's the plot twist. DA GAWD keeps getting boxed in because he's a gift to this league. Despite running into the usual weakness of going away from Olympus, DA GAWD prevailed. Forget what you believe in, DA GAWD believes in ME. DA GAWD had a 20% chance to win going into Monday night. But like magic, Da GAWD's old friend Kareem Hunt came to bail him out. The same Kareem Hunt that was traded to him by Gordon himself. DA GAWD's about to drop the sequel and this is just a preview. Win number 5 in a row. Are you kidding me? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GORDON?!?!? I AM!!

#Amen

Walk Down (Week 4)

 

I don't know how many weeks its gonna take, but at some point ya'll gonna recognize this is really happening. DA GAWD Al GAIB is here to enact judgement for the lack of faith that has lingered for years here. In the meantime, I'll do the service of recapping your Week 4, but ultimately, it doesn't matter. Dread it. Run from it. Destiny is arriving all the same. I'm mowing down each of your teams at a walking pace like I'm Jason in Friday the 13th. Let's get into the petty squabbles you mortals had this week. 

Get off my Dak 134.35 vs Wilson! 151.75

Last week was an impressive win despite your bench looking like an infirmary. But it looks like the magic ran out. Even though you got Deebo back, I tried to tell you he wasn't part of the #GAWDSQUAD. It was only for Jordan Mason and George Kittle. Things can start looking up when you get Kupp back, but you needed this humbling moment. Putting DA GAWD's name in the same sentence as "being like you" will only result in more pain. Repent before its too late. 

After struggling to get over 100 pts last week, you bounced back with a solid win. Big props to Jordan Addison and Niners defense putting in that work for you - especially when McBride and Mixon couldn't play. You even had some players on the bench show up in ways that were unexpected. Get ready to sit Dobbins next week and let him ball out though. Its inevitable. They say that in order to be happy you have to enjoy the journey and not the end goal. And its true. Enjoy your time in the sun because these memories will keep you happy during your early playoff exit. 

I like to Marv it Marv it 108.10 vs This Team Iz Kang(Mort) 138.25

When the Cardinals game started, I thought it was gonna be a shoot out. Then DA GAWD walked away and made sure that the rain would move along from Florida and water the planet as it called out to me. When I turned the Eye of Sauron back to the game, I realized I let the game get out of hand after seeing the Commanders completely stop your stack. It didn't help that Breece Hall and your Jets lost either. Double sting on Fantasy Sunday. And to top it all off, you gave Gordon his first win. Just be happy your car didn't flood. Let's see what you do next week with the PPR monster Wan'Dale Robinson. 

FINALLY, amirite?!?! After weeks of ridicule and an embarrassing loss last week, you got your first win and climbed out of the depths (not by much) of 12th place. Slowly but surely, you're team is ramping up into competitive form. No more starting both Steelers RBs. You got Chubba Hubbard putting in work. Plus Dowdle showing some signs of life. If the Dolphins manage to get a QB by Week 12, you might even be able to get some revenge on Gordon in Week 14 and MAYBE knock him out of playoff contention for an ultimate comeback. Just don't fuck it up. 

Saved by the Dell 111.40 vs Django Achaned 121.10

Woof. I don't think there's a nice way to say this, but you might not get more than 4 wins this season. You'd think that not drafting a good QB, would make the rest of your team stacked. Trying to stack BOTH Bears WRs with a mediocre rookie QB is just wicked work. You would've got the win if you just kept Goff instead of dropping him too since that was the smarter stack. When half-moon hairline Aaron Jones is the brightest spot on your team, you should be worried. As DA GAWD AL GAIB, I implore you to trade with ANYBODY to make this better. You simply don't have the FAAB to turn this thing around. 

Whew. That was a close one. With sub-par performances from your team namesake and Stevenson, its a good thing your Burrow/Chase stack worked out. Bit of a head-scratcher starting Jacoby Meyers, but a win is a win right? Also, shout out to holding on to Kyle Pitts. I hope you understand the pain of feeling like "THIS GOTTA BE THE WEEK" with him. And we all know the minute you don't start him, he's going for 6/80/TD. Don't worry though, you'll get a competent QB for the Dolphins and be in playoff shape when it counts. 

The Syndicate 92.80 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 125.50

First McCaffrey and now Rice? DA GAWD knows you're starting to feel the pressure of some players needing to turn things around. Had Rice finished out, you probably could've stayed competitive in this matchup. With Hurts coming up on a bye, its gonna crunch time to really get your next win. Nobody knows (except DA GAWD) if McCaffrey will be back in time to turn around a fantasy season nor is there a timetable to make Waddle have a good QB. I don't envy the position that you're in. Might be time to start getting REALLY good at pickle ball this until Christmas. 

In DA Good Book, they say a man who finds a good woman finds a good thing. She has successfully made your team a true contender and likely playoff hopeful. Gone are the days of ridicule. You have established yourself in this league as a formidable contender this year. You smartly sat Mark Andrews who had a donut when MANY wouldn't do such a thing. With Rice likely out for the season, that Xavier Worthy pick is going to prove fruitful. Make sure you get your girl something nice over the holidays for supporting this winning season in. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 134.70 vs Team DQ 136.05

I know this one hurts Adam. Josh Allen was on a tear while you were falling short. Then when the rest of your team shows up, he leaves. One more catch for LaPorta for 10 yards would've got you your first win this week. But no. The Jets stench permeated all the way to your fantasy team. Just disappointing loss compounded by disappointing loss. I was going to put my blessing out there for you but I held back knowing that it would provide false hope. Even though you're doing worse than Gordon right now, be happy you're not Eddie. That's an even worse Jet fan situation to be in right now. Hopefully Chubb comes back when you need him most. 

Ooowwweee you must've been sweating this out the same way you sweat off that weight. After starting the right QB and getting a surge from Jayden Reed, Monday night had to have you nervous. While I don't actually know because you send a message in the chat once a week, I'm sure the feelings were there. Good win this week. You can still be a contender if my Nicua Puka comes back. We'll just see when that happens. 

Machine Gun Kelce 121.45 vs Muad'Dib TDs aka DA GAWD 185.90

This one was lost from the gate. With Devin Singletary putting up a measly 4.8 pts, it hurt doubly when you looked at the almost 40 points that Walker had cookin on the bench. I figured I was doing you favor. Knowing you were running into me should've had you finished with all your chores by 3pm with enough time to do some extra chores for a divorcee by 6pm. We both know you you weren't winning this matchup but leaving points on the table hurts when it comes to the hunt for second place. Keep cookin' up those bets though, because I got plans for that 50 you're gonna owe. 

Are ya'll paying attention to the trends? Da GAWD is walking down on all the opps with ease. Being a supreme being requires me to crush each squad like the ants they are while having highest points. I've unlocked PPR Henry. I've got Kareem Hunt in the holster waiting to re-enact 2018 but with a vengeance. Nico Collins (who was SHAMEFULLY offered to each of you in a trade) is DOMINATING. Did we forgot how the league sounded like owls asking "who" when I drafted Jordan Mason? What more does DA GAWD have to do for you to recognize that I'M HIMOTHY ATRIEDES - GAWD of Fantasy Football? Muad'Dib of the Matchups? DA GAWD AL GAIB will show you the way. 

#Amen

No Mercy (Week 3)

 

It's Week 3 of the NFL season and it's been 21 days of disbeliefs. Some of you are seeing the signs but you're scared. Could this be the Da GAWD Al Gaib's undefeated season? Are his powers back? How could a week full of hurt players be his work? Let me recap how it all went down for you and how I tapped into my supreme being. 

Popgun Kelce 97.95 vs I like to Marv it Marv it 119.95

Life comes at you fast my boy. After getting the W and holding off Kamara last week, your team showed up just shy of 100 pts. You could blame  your missing stars, but DHop and Goedart were sitting right there. Why you'd have two of Will Levis WRs is beyond me, but we don't have answers for a lot of things you do. It doesn't get much better next week because you face the Supreme Being and then you got players on bye. Just remember to have your offering for Da GAWD at the end of the season. 

First off, congratulations on climbing your way out of the bottom of the league. Secondly, Da Gawd had to make a sacrifice in order to continue dominance. It's not a reflection of the grudge for not trading away Tevin Coleman or the disbelief I've witnessed for 4 years. It's just business. Be grateful that you faced Gerald, because any other matchup would've had you hanging an L. 

Wilson! 104.75 Vs Team DQ 121.90

All fun and games until you witness how disbelief results in a loss. If you just read from the good book, you could have sat Dobbins, and picked up a starter to potentially win. Yet you still followed the prophecy and had no choice. When I gave you an out to repent in the middle of the game, you doubled down on disbelief. Don't think Da Gawd forgot about your drunken blasphemy either. There's gonna be a lot of "struggle to 100" games in your future until you bend the knee. Remember, you're only a few points ahead of the guy that drafted unlimited WRs. 

It's a shame that you won't read this and understand how you could become a believer and lift this chip curse off your team. The only reason you won is because Da Gawd needed to teach your opponent a lesson. One favor though. Next week start Daniels again so I can have Purdy go off on your bench while Kittle is healthy.

This Team Is a Victim 120.55 vs Get off my Dak 152.85

Gordon, you're literally living a Trix Rabbit nightmare. This was gonna be the week that you got your first win while beating your ChatBullyGPT. But what happens as your running across the finish line? You slip on a Dallas Defense banana peel, step on a rake that makes Juan Jennings smack you in the face and fall further back to 0-3. It's like the harder you try, the worse this gets. I don't know what else I can do to help but make you take my trade offer. It's your only salvation. 

Even Da Gawd has to admit this was an impressive win. With your back against the wall with literally no other options for your players, you managed to get second highest point total of the week. In a game that should've left you for dead, you've now climbed back to the right side of .500. We all know you're a formidable opponent, but Da GAWD Al Gaib is here to wield a new trophy and steer this league into the golden age. Enjoy the ride. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 121.25 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 130.50

This game went down to the wire didn't it? While everyone at home saw a Jaguars shellacking, you and Trav were on the edge of your seats everytime the Bills were in the redzone. Lamb going MIA while Dak went off had to hurt too. The bright side is that you started the right QB and Nabers is paying off. Just a shame you had to lose LaPorta in a critical game. Keep chasing that first win. 

Another week and another win for you Trav. They can hate all they want but finding a girl that knows fantasy football to make you better is no different than finding a way to be better. Next time you win though, tell her it's rare to start two TEs when there's a lot more flex options. These ain't the Hernandez/Gronk days. Keep on winning though. 

Django Enslaved 137.15 vs The Syndicate 152.45

Looking at the projected totals, I'm wondering if you felt confident in them. With Stevenson performing as expected and Achane being a shell of himself without Tua, this is gonna be a bumpy road. At least Chase finally showed up after stressing you out to start the season. If only Pitts could've caught that TD, you might have had some more hope. 

Wasn't so bad losing to Da Gawd last week. It was a blessing in disguise. The spice melange that fell from my ethereal robes while winning last week had a residual effect of blessing your replacements towards the win. Charbonnet and Johnson turned up at the right time and kept you solid. I don't know how Likely you are to grab another TE, but it might need to happen sooner than later. 

Saved by the Dell 121.85 vs Da Gawd al Gaib 155.80

At one point during the day, you had a projected lead. Da Gawd could feel you silently holding back your shit talk hoping that you secured your victory first. But desperate times called for desperate measures. I had to sacrifice my own Devonte Smith in order to unleash Saquon and Derrick Henry. The bright side, you'll probably get a win next week. 

Da GAWD took the coal out his heart and realized it's time to embrace my destiny. I didn't mean for this season to be the one I flex on y'all. Ain't no competition cuz there's no one in my position. Gawd told me to do it, so I'm doing it. This prophecy isn't mine. Da Gawd Al Gaib is just the messenger. 

#Amen