Just Another Gawd (Week 5)

 

This season has felt all sorts of crazy, but I think we finally had a "normal" week. Every team was able to get over 100 points despite the bye weeks being in full effect and nobody left inactive players in the roster. Its a shame this has to be pointed out, but credit has to be given where credits due. We're a third of the way through and the league is wide open with close records. Let's recap the week. 

I Only Had Kittle 105.15 vs Team DQ 147.60

I know, I know, you're team is hurt. We get it. No Keenan, Evans, Higgins, Chubb. You lost Conner this week and Dak played worse than Zach Wilson. You know you struggling when you're starting players like Terrace Marshall or flexing Jake Ferguson for a desperation TD. The good news is that the bye week for Keenan and Evans should be over and maybe Higgins will be healthy now that Burrow remembered he's a QB and not a rapper. We'll see how it all shakes out Week 6.

DQ, you might be the first silent expansion team that managed to coast into first place. If it weren't for the fact that I saw you with a mini-fan at the draft, I'd think you were an AI bot to fill the 12th spot. Of all the players you drafted, it's looking like LaPorta might be the steal of the draft. The rest of your team might be questionable, but being 4-1 so far after having a horrific season last year is a big come up. Let me know if you read this by Week 13. 

Fields Mob 130.95 vs This Team Iz Kang 144.35

In 2002, a rap group named Field Mob came out with a song called Sick of Being Lonely, which was on the album called "From the Roota to tha Toota". It was bouncy and just coasted on some southern rap wave that was rising thanks to the work put in by Cash Money. But they trolled their label because they clearly weren't gonna be a big hit. Similarly, I think you're getting trolled by Justin Fields. How can he start the season so trash to then put back to back career type performances.... on your bench? I don't envy you making the decision on whether to start Fields against the lowly Vikings and then realize you're bad luck will have him put up a dud. At least Hill showed up and My Nacua Puka is still relevant. 

Now this win deserves a bit more credit than just having DJ Moore. Having the stomach to start Burrow again, without Higgins and after seeing him look terrible against the lowly Titans had to be difficult. OR (and I'm judging by the fact that you thought that the traveling Cowboys had a defense that could stop 4 FUCKIN' PRO-BOWLERS on the same side of the ball) you're a fantasy football crackhead that doens't know when to stop. Either way, this was just the type of win you needed. At this rate, you might get ahead of Quis' jokes and show you're other league how its done. 

The Home Depot 127.55 vs My Cousin Justin 131.60

Oof. Just when we thought you were going to start climbing out of last place, Trav went ahead and stepped on your back. Each week, you're done nothing particularly wrong. Who would've thought Tajae Spears would outperform Stevenson? Starting Tutu for the dart throw TD was the right call. And just when it looks like Zay Jones would be serviceable, he's hurt again. I heard Home Depot has great classes on Saturday mornings though and you can start with like a birdhouse. It soothes the soul during times like these. Better luck next week. 

Da GAWD sees and answers all prayers. Trav, it looked like you were a goner in this one. Watching JJ pull up with the hammy was devastating. Even worse was watching Moss ball on your bench. But late in the day, Goedart started going. And just when I thought the Cowboys would be in a shootout, the 9ers defense made Dak look at Tray Lance with the side eye. Congrats on what probably felt like a rollercoaster ride towards a W. 

Jonesin for a Swift TD 138.50 vs The Syndicate 155.20

After 4 weeks of patiently waiting for a game to explode on, Jonathan Taylor came out like popcap. To be fair, you would've thought the Colts would've played him a bit more considering that he said the ankle issue was a rumor and that he just got paid. However, Moss went bezerk while JT sputtered. Maybe none of this will matter if/when Aaron Jones comes back and Swift starts getting in the endzone. Until then, I hope AJ Brown continues to outperform and the rest of your team shits the bed. 

Is it me, or are the impending nuptials making you want the chip money to splurge a lil more on the honeymoon? Things seem to aligning nicely for your team. Cooper Kupp came back like he didn't miss a beat. ETN was running like someone in the end zone was sayin 'Sak pase!' And it looks like you got just the right amount of production from Achane when you needed it, now that he's been sent to IR. Plus you're getting Ekeler back just in time to face Da GAWD. Congrats on the win but that's all you're gonna get before you face me. 

Roster Imposter (like Rasta Pasta) 145.10 vs Ja'mamas house 159.35

Eddie, you did everything you were supposed to do except start George Pickens over Robinson. But that's what I'd expect you to do at this point. I've been telling you for weeks that this team is destined to remain outside the playoffs and you're following the script to a T. Breece Hall and Travis Swift won't always be there to prop up this team. For your sanity, I think you should reach out to Jesus and ask him about the Home Depot workshops he's attending, you make Jets based wood items, then you burn em on a Sunday night while you watch your fantasy and football teams futures go up in flames. 

FINALLY, right!?! Did you shout that at home and scare your family? I know I would have. Jamar Chase finally returned the value you've been looking towards for weeks. He single-handedly took on the onslaught of points from Breece and Travis Swift. This was your "Kirko" week. Enjoy it. Put on the chain. Dance around the house. Give a shot of some liquor to the Steelers tat. This win was a long time comin. 

Bijan Mustard 145.10 vs DA GAWD 154.35

Da GAWD ain't gon' lie on this one. It was scary hours on Monday night. Ceedee Lamb underperformed and AJ Dillon wasn't a guarantee to get 10 points. Meanwhile, Jakobi Meyers has been known to get lots of targets and could easily have gone apeshit.  In another universe, Da GAWD was holding on by a pinky to ensure that Adams didn't get one more catch and send DA GAWD to the heavenly guillotine. If it weren't for Lamar's WR's playing like the Little Giants, I would've been cooked. But I think we know this loss happened because you asked Da GAWD for a blessing against HIM. I hope you learned your lesson. 

All of you need to take note that DA GAWD is taking trash and turning it into treasure. AJ Dillon getting his first TD. Rice getting another TD. DA GAWD put up the third highest points without 3 of his crucial picks. Suffice to say, I'm back. 

#Amen

Something's Gotta Change (Week 4)

Week 4 is in the books and I think the league finally in the swing of the routines. Wakin' up hella early to check the stats and injuries. Sometimes you gotta sacrifice sleep for that bag when there's a London game involved. Especially when you got real life responsibilities. September is behind us and with October comes the spooky plays. Lets see if we can make sense of this crazy season we call 2023. 

Hurt my Receivers a Little 94.85 vs CashMoney Hillionaires 131.20

Two weeks removed from having a 200 point game and you managed less than half that total. Mike Evans and Tee Higgins going down right before the bye week has to keep you worried too since you'll also be down Jerome Ford too. How long can Mostert and Keenan Allen keep this thing afloat? Maybe Dak gets into a shootout trying to keep up with the 9ers and AJ Dillon vultures Aaron Jones all game. Best of luck.

My Nacua Puka is really putting in that work for you right now. Even though Fields was on your bench and ballin' its a fluke right? You're not gonna question yourself this Thursday if he should be started against a very exposable Commanders team. Because if you do that can he fails, you'll be even more scared to bench him next time. At least Kamara is back and Hill is due to go nuclear in a week or two. Congrats on the win.

Ja' even Try? 88.15 vs The Home Depot 136.15

Its really hard to write the appropriate recap here. On paper, the names in your starting roster should have formed together to AT LEAST give you 110. I mean the squad was slated to easily get to 135. Yet they were all pure disappointments and it didn't get much better on the bench. I can't offer advice because I'd tell you to start the same players again next week but maybe that Kirk Cousins thing flared up at the wrong time. 

Slow motion is better than no motion right? After floundering around in the depths of 12th place, you emerged with a solid win. I find it awfully interesting that the player you snaked went nuclear at a time my stack would've been stupendous. Now I don't think the you're out of the woods yet. You just happened to run into a Kirk Cousins flare up from Shorty. The bye weeks are here and you should get nice and comfy in the bottom of the standings. 

This Team Iz Last 116.55 vs The Syndicate 127.10

Ouch. Who woulda thunk that starting Trevor Lawrence against the league's worst run offense would yield better results than starting Joe "billions" Burrow against the league's worst secondary. Not me. And to add insult to injury, Deebo Samuel had ZERO impact on the 35 points scored by the 9ers. Looks like you might have a QB and WR problem. If only there was a freshly minted, TD rushing QB that could guarantee 20 points a game. Oh well, better luck next week. Be careful down there in 12th. 

While this wasn't the week you expected out of the Tuacide Squad, its the win you needed. With Ekeler out and Nico Collins going absolutely nuts on your bench, it has to feel good to still have the win in the bag. But I think your arch nemesis will rear its ugly head as soon as your team is at full strength. And that will be decision on start sits. Until then, continue the victory lap. 

My Cousin Just Shy of a Win 122.25 vs Bijan Mustard 122.80

This is the score that makes fantasy owners turn off the lights and cry to sleep. This game was in the bag for you until there was maybe 3 minutes left in the Monday Night game. Danny Dimes was throwing to lineman before Waller and your victory looked safe. In one night, Daniel Jones managed to ruin the dreams of Giants fans and Fantasy owners alike. For your sake, I really hope you don't end up 1 win short of the playoffs because this is where it would've happened. 

A win is a win right? You had the balls to start a Deshaun Watson-less Amari Cooper AND Jakobi Meyers without Jimmy G. All of that while Hollywood would've gave you the victory by easily swapping for either of them. I guess you like to tease your opponent until you finish in the end with a proper victory. Pretty sure someone with experience taught you that. 

O'Lave Where Art Thou? 109.75 vs Team DQ 172.05

You feel that carriage turning back into a pumpkin just in time for Halloween? Your team of ragamuffins is finally looking who we all thought they were. You couldn't keep getting away with random luck and here it was. Lucky for you, Jesus still has to deal with the champ curse and Gordon will panic trade, so that prevents you from going all the way to last. But mark my words, this is the beginning of your banishment from the playoffs. 

From worst to first. These type of victories have to feel like a long time coming. CMC playing like an MVP. Godwin remembering who he is. Herbert slinging the rock. All is right with the world. We even got a Scary Terry sighting to kick off October. Congrats on being in first place and continuing to ignore these recaps. 

GAWD 151.50 vs 2 Jones 1 Team 163.55

This one really hurts. Watching the guy I KNEW I wanted to stack get snaked by Adam was dastardly. It was like Adam went back in time to retrieve the AJ Brown stone and then came back to intervene in the draft because he knew this would be the outcome. You even got one of the most coveted things that people across the nation look for - a Falcons passing TD to a non-runningback. Congrats on this win, but you're gonna pay when I see you in the playoffs. 

Call this loss a bad one all you want but I need another outlet because this league treating me funny. I'm seeing progress each week, like "damn, I really did that". Then it gets stressful again and I'm like fuck that. I been trying to get these wins out the mud, but it only fuels DA GAWD for a bigger chip in the playoffs. Til next week.

#Amen

Footprints (Week 3)

 

What an interesting week 3. I don't know about ya'll, but between injuries and wild performances, it feels like Week 8. Every decision matters and we haven't even accounted for the bye weeks that will have us starting kick returners. With that said, lets recap the week. 

TrashMoney Hillionaire's 107.15 vs Olave Garden 126.95

Two weeks removed from one of the greatest one player comebacks in league history and we're struggling with the lowest points of the week. This week overall must've been rough. A trip to the guillotine. Tank Dell balling on the bench. And to top it all off Josh Kelley managed a WHOPPING 12 yards on 11 carries against a Vikings defense that just let Swift slice through the d-line like a lightsaber. The only light at the bottom of this hell hole is that Kamara is back, and you can activate the Kamaravirus once again. 

At no point during the draft or the last two weeks would I have pegged this team as only undefeated team. Despite leaving a player in the roster that was KNOWN as inactive, it seems like you were blessed with an uncanny amount of luck. What pisses me off is that its not like you're scrapping for wins, scouring the waiver and doing research. You just finished taking your green painted Packers cheese head to the trash and said "whoops" when you remembered you were in this league at 8:45 on a Thursday. You're luck will run out soon, but for now, congrats on the 3-0 distinction. 

2 Jones 1 Pup 130.70 vs Bijan Mustard 165.80

When I look at your team, its always tough for me to tell if its good or bad. You have a great RB that continues to get vultured for TDs, phenomenal WRs in Adams and Brown. But you also have to hope that Aaron Jones hammy doesn't linger for the whole season (looking at you 2022 Keenan Allen) and that Colts decide to play nice with Taylor if Moss keep beasting. I'm not going to pass too much judgement until the rest of those things clear up. 

Who knew your first win would come in a game where Derrick Henry averaged less than 2 yards a carry on 11 touches. A win is a win though, and at least your not Jesus right? Its gonna be a lot of ups and downs but I think you might be getting your teams bearings in place. Thielen is somehow relevant and Meyers is getting a solid 12 targets a game. Way to get on the board this week. 

Downy Fresh 133.45 vs Team 147.55

You got any tips on how to keep your whites their whitest, or getting those pesky wine stains out of your wife's blouse? Another week and another loss for the reigning champ. I'm telling you that it gets worse before it gets better. There isn't a start/sit split you could've done to change the outcome of you losing this game. Sure, you could've started Friermuth instead of the TE on the team with a QB that is stinking up the joint, but that still wouldn't have gotten the win. Just think, this is your team with no injuries too....

Viva LaPorta and the rest of your team managing to stay healthy DQ. With this optimal lineup, you put up a respectable point total and breezed your way to another victory. I'd write more but I'm convinced that you've silenced the chat. We'll let you know when you lose. Ya'll notice that the Mute Dave spot seems to get the same energy each time????

Ja'mamas Back 134.10 vs My Cousin Justin 155.25

This week must've felt being on vacation with your wife while a stripper bachelorette party is happening next door. You hear them screaming about suckin' the next dick that walks in but alas, you're bound to your room. Having Waddle out during one of the highest scoring games in NFL history is downright awful. Even Mike White was getting people TDs. To top it off, Mattison's stranglehold on the carries is now in jeopardy. At least you got to see Jamar Chase come back to life and the Steelers secured a win.

It seems there were a lot of people that started Josh Reynolds while having players ball on their bench. One person I know had DJ Moore on the bench. That's nothing in comparison to having both Sutton and Chark sitting there. But a win is a win nonetheless. That Jefferson/Cousin's stack is putting in solid work. So much so, that Gerald has probably stopped checking your social media because he's so much lower in the standings. Keep up the good work. 

The Banged Up Bunch 135.75 vs Hurt the League a Little 205.70

Considering you put up 135 points without your #1 draft pick isn't that bad. Its just bad when you run into the highest point total of the week while the other half struggled to get to half your point total. The Tuacide Squad can only do so much and DHop ain't the same guy that can get 1200 yards while having QBs like TJ Yates through to him. Just keep waiting out on Ekeler's health and for Kupp to come back healthy and you might have a real problem squad on your hands. Until then, pray for more wins. 

Yeash. Its like you didn't miss Chubb AT ALL. Keenan Allen is making up for all that lost time with the hammy, Raheem Mostert acting like Jeff Wilson doesn't exist, and Mike Evans still making TD catches in the midst of defeat. While half of those points came from two players, it will be interesting to see if the injury bug is behind you. You might be ready for a comeback after that down year last year and I've heard of Covid rumors lately. We'll see how things look in December. 

This Team Iz Kang 116.15 vs Da GAWD 121.40

You should count yourself lucky that all you did was sacrifice a loss and not a whole player on a Monday night against Da GAWD. I thought I was doing the right thing removing Mayfield from your options, but it looks like it would have been the same regardless. All while having Trevor Jesus on the bench with just enough points to get you the win. Hard battle down to the wire but someone's gotta lose. You'll be blessed with a Burrow resurgence next week. 

If there was award for being able to take the most damage and still come out victorious, I think I'd get first ballot. Da GAWD has lost so much on the road to these victories that I feel like Goku after each battle. I go the distance, use my last sensu bean, and have nothing left after a spirit bomb. Yet I rise to win again. The powers are keeping me going but its a long arduous road. 

"First there was two sets of RBs/WRs in the band, then there was one RB/WR left in the band. When times get hard and shit hit the fan, GAWD don't walk with me, I am HIM man."

Helluva Price (Week 2)

If you thought Week 1 was unforgiving, Week 2 didn't get any better. Tons of waiver adds with some glory and some goofs. GMs waiting for players to shine while unsung heroes came to play. As Da GAWD of Fantasy Football, I predict that this is beginning of a shifting tide in our yearly tournament. Injuries that got snuffed out in preseason are now shifted to the first 3 weeks and we're moving like a 20 man league. Let's review how we did. 

The Hurts Donut 99.15 vs CashMoneyHillionaires 138.65

The championship hangover is real (I should know). The namesake of your team was able to keep you afloat for a bit, but the rest of the team just didn't show up. After Allgier looked poised to remain a 1B to the RB committee in Atlanta, he turned back into who we all thought he was going into the season. I can imagine the frustration and turmoil you went through watching him ball on your bench in a Week 1 loss only to see him fizzle in the start of Week 2. I'd tell you this is going to get better, but you snaked the WR I announced was mine from the beginning. Going from first to worst (and lower than Gerald) is punishment on its own.

CashMoney is an army, better yet a navy. With one of the best waiver adds so far in the season, Puka Power kept this team afloat while Tyreek came back into orbit from last week. To a fantasy GAWD this ain't much of a surprise considering you'll always be in the mix for the season. It's been a long time since you've won, even though you've gone to quite a few chips. Lets see if you get over the hump this year with a strong 2-0 start. 

The Small Business 103.85 vs Olave Garden 121.35

After a commanding showing from Week 1, it looks like there were some missteps this week. With Ekeler gone its understandable to not perform at the best. But you spent the bread on the waiver and left him on the bench. That's like going to the Olave Garden and not taking advantage of the breadsticks and underperforming Breece Hall. Maybe you get Ekeler back or maybe you don't, but you'll need to make the right choices going forward. 

Unlimited luck and Jets losses for everyone at the Olave Garden. After having the devastating loss at QB, you grabbed the right QB on the waivers and didn't miss a beat. Sure, Breece Hall disappointed but you got Kelce back in the fold and were bailed out on Monday by a great performance from Pickens. I don't know if you can keep this up though. You got extremely lucky in that you played one of the two people that scored lower than you did this week. 

Daquarius Quintillion 130.55 vs My Cousins Justin 141.10

You probably won't read this recap so I doubt you'll take offense to the name. I'm mainly writing this for the ones that do. Your team is solid and technically should have won the game if Jesus Lawrence didn't change his WR1 to Christian Kirk. And to my delight, it didn't look like Gibbs took over that backfield with Montgomery out. At least that injury bug of the last two seasons looks to behind you. I'll talk to you next September at the draft.

Now this is what stacks are made of. Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson combined for almost half of your teams points. You even had lots of points to spare with Zack Moss sitting idly on your bench. But remember - in this league every point counts. When it comes time for seeding or making the playoffs, you may wish you started him over Sutton (I don't blame you for giving one more go-round for Najee).

This Team Iz 1-142.50 vs 2 Jones 1 Team 161.55

You started the best team you could this week. A goose egg from Zay Jones will hurt anybody. You and the Bengals front office are waiting for Joe Burrow to show that he was worth the massive contract. This wasn't a bad outing, but you just ran into the better team without injuries and better matchups. We won't broadcast this loss too loud though, we don't want those other leagues to think you're average and not the team of G.O.A.T.S. they think you are. Secret is safe with us buddy. 

Going into this game, I thought for sure you'd lose. But then the Vikings decided they're main objective was to stop AJ Brown and NO ONE ELSE. They left Swift run through a swiss cheese d-line scheme and propelled you to a solid win DESPITE starting the terrible Deon Jackson. On top of that, you were drawing dead until Daniel Jones decided to produce in one half what most QBs produce in a whole game. At some point this luck will run out and you'll pay for snaking my pick. Until then, keep holding out til Taylor decides that he doesn't want to play after being on the pup. 

 Bijan Hope 156.75 vs BIG J'Mama's House 173.35

This loss had to hurt on a lot of levels. All week it looked like Cooper wasn't going to play and then he balls on the bench right alongside Hollywood Brown. Pittsburgh puts up a MONSTER defensive game. And you would have beaten half the league but you ran into the highest scoring team of the week. Not to mention this brings you to 0-2. If I were you, I'd start hollering at a secretary named Margaret that runs the books for Draftkings or something and get that insider info in a way that only you can, 

Congratulations on the highest point total of the week. I was convinced that you must've been smacking that Steelers tattoo while that defense put up a monster performance. Just wait til you can Chase back into the fold doing the things Chase can. But I got a sneaky feeling that the Cousins gene is gonna flare up and Burrow doesn't play more than 6 games this season and it comes to screeching halt as soon as you hit the playoffs. Enjoy the ride til then. 

Hurt My Chubb (and FAAB) a Little 154.95 vs Da GAWD 166.50

Ouch. Sunday was starting off really good. Every couple of a minutes there was a "Tee!", "Keenan!", "Evans!", as you felt the euphoria of early monster productions. And then cracks in the ice started showing Sunday night as Dak kept throwing to Lamb. But the real killer was Monday night. It appeared to be an easy game until the catastrophic injury to your #1 pick. You've come back from worse to make the playoffs but boy that had to hurt. You paid a helluva price to get the backup - I hope it works. 

For all those still reading, I hope you see the spark kickin' in for DA GAWD. This is two weeks in a row that my opponents have lost key players in the Monday Night game. I may have sacrificed JK, Saquon, Montgomery, and my dignity to be here, but these plagues ain't goin' anywhere. Just ask yourself if you really want to be ahead going against me on Monday or pay the price. 

#Amen.

Times is Rough (Week 1)

 

Welcome back to the league that makes other leagues jealous. We waited all season to be back to a sense of normalcy now that the dark times (Quis reign) are over. Unfortunately, Week 1 smacked us all in the mouth with so much carnage that the guillotine looks like a blessing. "I'm runnin' outta reasons to feels sorry; there's blood in the streets and you gon' get mud on your cleats when the field soggy" #Meadowlands. I'm Let's recap on how our first week of matchups turned out and pray that most of the damage is done.

TEE Time 95.15 vs 2 Jones 1 Loss 92.40

Adam, I want you to know that being in last place is your FIRST punishment for snaking AJ Brown. You, like many others suffered significant losses at key positions like QB,TE AND WR. The lone bright spot in Aaron Jones also seems to be brief after he pulled up with a hammy after scoring a TD. The sad part is that the hammy will haunt you all season with the "will he/won't he" suspense that will give you ulcers every Sunday. Be glad that its Week 1 and others may suffer more throughout the season. 

Quis, be thankful that you played the only other opponent that you could've beaten. Its comical that your team name was based on a WR that got zero points from a freshly paid QB. However, it looks like you can start to trust Keenan Allen again and Nick Chubb will still do Nick Chubb things. Congrats on the win, but don't think you'll be back to hoisting that trophy. 

This Team iz Kang 120.00 vs BIJAN HELP 76.55

Gerald, your team is beyond help. In the history of me making these recaps, I don't think ANYONE has ever scored less than 80 points. There's no bye weeks - its week 1. The best parts of your team are RB and that is literally it. Your roster is riddled with WR10's and the bench ain't much better. It could be fluke or you could be in for a very long season. Just pray for a chance at the playoffs.

Gordon, it seems like this season is designed for the degenerate fantasy football player that you are. At this pace of injuries and underperformances, your deep research into practice squad players will probably pay off as everyone hits the waivers. But don't think you'll get off scot free. You snaked a bunch of players in this draft and that won't be taken lightly

The Syndicate 171.90 vs The Hurts Donut 132.80

Jesus, its a new season. Compared to what happened in Week 1, your team actually did decently and would've have beaten a majority of the contenders. Unfortunately you ran into the Tua Typhoon and couldn't escape. You were even projected to win easily. I know it Hurts.....don't it. We all know you'll be able to recover from this, but I'm happy you've been grounded again back to a regular player with this simple loss. 

Ian, I recall in the 2019 season that you were the highest scorer in Week 1 and it looks like you came to repeat that performance. Your team somehow remained unscathed while the rest of us were caught up in Hurricane Bad Beat. Congrats on the solid win and coming out well ahead in the points race. Lets see if you can keep it up this time while racing to the altar. 

Team DQ 137.90 vs Big Ja'mamas House 109.10

Shorty, I legit felt sympathy hearing the sob story of how long you've been in the league and how distant that trophy has been. You should really write a heartfelt letter to Kirk Cousins and say how much you understand his plight. On Thursday you had a solid day out of Mahomes and watched as DQ had sub 10 pt games from two spots. Then things got ugly on Sunday. compared to other teams, it wasn't terrible; it just wasn't enough. I'm really rooting for you this season to be the runner up in the chip. 

DQ, it must feel good to get that stench of last place off of you with the win this week. There were a lot of eyebrows raised when you took Ridley but it looks like the right choice this season. You also have an up and coming Gibbs (as long as I don't plague him). With this squad, you can be back in the playoffs in no time. Congrats on the win.

CashMoney Hillionaire's 130.10 vs My Cousins Kiss 113.40

Trav, this wasn't a terrible performance but it wasn't the greatest either. You did the smart thing pairing Jefferson and Cousins to always have a fighting chance. But you might need a lot of help at the other positions if you want to be in the mix come playoff time. Even though Diontae went down, I think you'll still be able to fight next week when you put in the replacements. Hit the waiver right and things will be ok. 

Juan, it amazes me how often you will be losing early and then skyrocket into winning later in the day. You post a meme about going to sleep or talk about doing something else, and then AB, or Tyreek or any other explosive player just flames on. Tyreek might single-handedly get you to the playoffs while he achieves 2k receiving yards on the season. The rollercoaster Sunday must have been fun. Congrats on the win and sorry you're a Giants fan. 

Olave Garden 131.20 vs Demi-Gawd 107.90

Eddie, this week had me feel all the emotions. The high of watching Kelce out on Thursday. The lows of Dobbins and Mike Williams exiting the games. The high of watching your fantasy and real QB go down within minutes. The low of multiple turnovers from Josh Allen. This was seriously a test of how the plagues work. It was like for every plague I gave you, I got one right back and you came out victorious. I truly know what it means to be a Jets fan after playing against you. 

Who I Smoke (Week 2)

Week 2 is in the books and times are already rough. Waivers are slim pickins and we're still waiting for reliability from players. To put another way, player pedigrees aren't really showing up yet and there's a lot of luck involved. On top of that, NFL games had SEVERAL teams blow leads which led to some surprising surges from rostered players. Lets recap the week, lick the wounds, and keep going. Its a long season. 

Pack of Fentanyl Dipped Loosies 86.25 vs Austin Powers 184.95

Yikes. I know its a bold statement to make this early in the season, but you'll never see over 125 points FOR THE SEASON. Outside of your Cincinatti Kitty Cat trifecta, your roster is STACKED with RB9's and WR8's. I won't even get to the TE part. I promise I'm not exaggerating when I say your team is in danger. When Burrow, Mixon and Chase get back to work, they'll get you 80-90 points. After that, you playing scratch offs and bumming for change outside the corner store. To put this all in perspective, OJ Howard scored more points than your TE and Defense combined; and he had one catch for 7 yards. Its gonna be a LONG season. 

Highest point total of the week beating while down lowest point total of the week. You damn near lapped his production by almost 100 points and made it look easy. You gotta be feeling yourself so far Shorty. When was the last time you started 2-0 with such conviction?? Winning with an optimal lineup is the type of confidence booster that'll have you relaxed walking into Week 3. The only sad part is that the Steeler couldn't beat the Patriots. You can't win em all. Get some rest this week, because you're playing for the defacto number 1 spot. 

2 Kickers No Kupp? 98.15 vs Belgrave Bullies 158.20

Guess Josh Allen and Justin Jefferson couldn't save the day in this matchup. Adam, you generally did everything right, but those bench balling tendencies seem to have flared up this week. I've been struggling to figure out the Rashaad Penny start though. I personally hate him as an RB but I didn't understand why he was started over Damien Harris. Sure the Seahawks just won and the Patriots look bad, but Rashaad Penny has had EVERY Chris Carson injury to show that he can take on the job and its never worked. No need to panic yet though, season's still early and Jefferson's got something to prove next week. 

Its week 2 and Ian is in first place, among other places like Turks and Caicos or Cabo, or anywhere on this planet. Last year, you picked Michael Thomas in the 5th round and he never played a snap. With cajones of steel, you picked him again and he's rewarded you handsomely, despite receiving from Jameis Winston. Better than that, you had a nuclear game from Waddle to easily secure this victory. Congrats on the win.

QuisPox 128.60 vs Lamar Morghulis 159.60

Boy oh boy. Starting the season 0-2 huh? I've been there before champ. Feeling on top of the world going into the draft and then BAM, all the people you've plagued and smack talked getting there revenge. Its strange times when your highest scorer on your team is Curtis Samuel and your team has names like Tom Brady, CMC, and Mike Evans. You had already given up on the day by 3pm, but like Mike Evans himself intimated, "what else were you supposed to do?" This season you're gonna get your walk of shame by losing to each of your opponents in ridiculous fashion. Its the price of 3peating. 

Congrats on the win Jesus. After three long years of repeatedly shipping/dropping off cookies for the champ, you exacted revenge on him. The nightmare of wondering about Boone should finally be over. Lamar singlehandedly (leggedly?) had Quis doing laundry by 3pm and making sure gas was in his car by 6pm. Take glory in this sort of victory. You can't have too many days of Devante Adams putting up KJ Osborn numbers. Especially when you broke the bank to get Darnell Mooney. 

Juanthen Taylor 132.25 vs This Team Iz Kangz 171.40

I really feel for you this week Juan. Matt Ryan is solely responsible for the poor fantasy production from the entire Colts team. The fact that Hines and Dillon BOTH outscored Taylor is a travesty. Just feel better knowing that this loss could've been MUCH worse if Hurts didn't have such a productive Monday Night. Maybe Tonyan will come through and save the day with Schultz out or (and this is a big or) maybe Matt Ryan will just hand the ball off to oblivion to save his career. Unfortunately, we both know Jonathan Taylor is setup for a bunch of negative game scripts for the foreseeable future. Good luck. 

Look who's sittin in 7th place with two players that managed to score 40 points this week. A literal Sun-Gawd and a Cheetah. You were really humble this week considering all the shit you been taking for years after making the playoffs your first year. I blame the fact that you're trying to monitor 15 leagues, but a win's a win. If you keep this up, you and Curtis Samuel might have the same type of season. Even though the Colts lost, did you feel that Jonathan Taylor resisted going off because he knew you needed this win? Or did you sacrifice a loss in another league to gain in this one? Good win either way. If you keep this up, you'll be talkin' hella shit to Quis by Week 10. 

My Bitches be Chubby 130.60 vs Team DQ 158.55

Despite an amazing 3 TD game from your team name sake, you came up short in this one. You might have to get used to the fact Derrick Henry won't be producing until late in the season because there's just no counter balanced passing game. I'm also surprised you fell for the "Taysom Hill gonna get another one next week" trick that's kept him as a QB, TE for 3 years straight. Maybe by year 5 he gets the Patterson treatment and becomes a real player, but for now, throw Pinnochio back in the waiver heap. Your team has enough talent to make a playoff run so need to panic. Just do better. 

Another strong start to the season for 2nd year league contender DQ. By halftime in the Arizona game, I was tempted to talk shit and really question Kyler without Dhop. But somehow the Raiders managed to blow a lead and let Murray get extra time to produce. Cooper Kupp is going to continue giving 20+ points a week, but don't count on a defense giving you close to 30 ever again. And don't get comfy with this type of early start. You might have a thing for having stellar players getting hurt midway through the season and dashing an otherwise great playoff run. Solid win this week. 

Gawd 110.85 vs Blankman and Friends 128.65

This is the second week in a row, where my point projection starts high in the 160's on Thursday and by Monday night, I barely crawl over 100 points. Should I have went with my gut and started Wentz when I picked him up? Should I have remembered that Kirk Cousins is a fucking disaster on nationally televised games? Should I have drafted Diggs instead of Ceedee Lamb and ultimately altered the draft and been sitting at 2-0. Well obviously those are all yes questions. But the real question I had to ask was who I am, and that's Da Gawd. No more losing here on out. 

Trav, congrats on a very mediocre win. I wouldn't even say you won, but more that I beat myself. As my projections plummeted, I awoke on Monday morning to Aaron Jones putting up points like his old days. Right then I knew I lost and that was before Gabe Davis was ruled out. I don't know if you'll keep this winning streak alive in Houston, but I'm sure you'll tell us you're in Houston until the end of the season. Congrats.

Gawd Didn't (Week 1)

 
Welcome back to another year of the league. Looking back at my last recap during my mythical performance, I foreshadowed the life we're living in today by playing the clip from "Groundhog Day". We've been living through Quis' Inferno because no one has defeated him in the chip yet. I thought, we'd band together and take back Middle Earth from Sauron's Quis' rule by now, but at least week 1 showed a glimmer of hope. Let's recap and see how the first battle went. 

This Team Iz Pangs vs Lamar Morghulis
Is this what you waited all off season to do? First, you drafted like Ciara. You went from dating rappers and drafting all RBs, to getting marrying choir boys and drafting all wide receivers. I get it, your heart was broken. You following the 3 month rule. You're reading "Think like a lady, Act like a Fan". Your team was a true laughing stock on Thursday night and you blessed us with an encore performance on Sunday. The fact that you didn't know you started James Cook and that he proceeded to fumble on his very first play couldn't have been written by comedy greats. Your failures are truly a natural gift. Despite all this, you scored more points than me.......Good luck next week.

Look who came out bullying the mentally disabled remotely. You set the crockpot of a team you had and let the L's simmer for him until you got back from your baseball game. I'm honestly jealous that you got such good production and barely watched a snap. It even looks like you resurrected Saquon's career. Good win week 1 despite the Jets being the Jets. 

My bitches be chubby vs Juanathen Taylor

You win some, you lose some. Stafford gonna need some depends the way he shit the bed on Thursday, but hopefully that's just an outlier and not a plan for the future. I mean, I still think his elbow ends his season by Week 8, but that's plenty of time to get another QB. And while you had a case of the Henry's this week, I think only one will have weekly diarrhea. On the bright side, Antonio Gibson got a stranglehold on his position as long as he don't fumble. Come back ready next week. 

First off, amazing team name. Even better image for the team as well. The only thing better would be a picture of the "real" Juanathan next to Jonathan. You rounded off this victory handspring with a solid performance from your team as well. Not much else can be said but great job. Just know who's really pulling the strings when you look in the mirror. 

QuisPox vs Austin Powers

Well this is a nice surprise. The three time reigning champ losing in Week 1. The commander of chaos lost to someone he's repeatedly beaten down in the chat. I don't know about you, but that Teflon vest you been wearing might need a replacement. Mitchell out for a few months and Keenan Allen might finally go away. I'm sure your confidence won't allow you to believe it, but this might be the time to start planning your end of days and spend a lot of time with the trophy. Each week, I'll recommend a "date night" before the end. This week, just look at a sunset out the window while you cradle the trophy. 

Gordon probably looked at this matchup with tears in his eyes and hate in his heart. After weeks of consistent belittling, you managed to get (what I think) is your first week 1 victory in years. Solid performances from Russ, Kirk and Diggs should keep you winning for a while. Take pride in this win. You're on a journey like those Hobbits but instead of big ass feet you got black forces. 

Pack of Bengals vs 2 Kickers no Kupp?

Eddie, this must have been a nightmare since Thursday night started. Cam Akers started a game and go 0 love. You watched Henderson take carry after carry and kept wondering "Does McVay know he's on the sidelines?". To make matters worse, the Bengal stack you have need a full 5 Qtrs to put together that performance. Now that stack may get you 80 pts most weeks, but the rest of this team gonna need some milk. 

How does it feel to go from the bottom to the top Adam? Movin' on up from the bottom of last year's standings thanks to the Jefferson. This was a strong win out the gate and should give you a nice sunny outlook as you compete for the chip. This type of win should take the edge off that Jets affliction you have.

BlankedOut & Friends vs Team DQ

I've had a hard time describing to people how funny it is that I mentioned Curtis Samuel, you pick him up, drop him when you come to your senses, and then gets 21 points week 1. That's funny. What's sad is that you have a decent team and ran into a better one. You didn't make any bad starts so don't beat yourself up. It's week 1 and there's time to recover. 

DQ, you got a strong win and you might be the only GM in the league without a hurt player through Week 1. You even left some points on the bench. But what did it cost you? Were you happy to watch as your defense proceeded to beat the dogshit out of your beloved team? With that sacrifice, you better win the chip. 

Quisbusters vs Belgrave Bullies

Well this was a surprising beat down. By halftime on Sunday, I was projected to still beat you. Michael Thomas was doing nothing. DJ Chark had no targets. Waddle was watching Hill get doubled. Then a flurry of production came through and it ruined my night. To make matters worse, I watched in horror as Dak mouthed "it's broke" and my Dak Attack Stack crumbled like the house of cards it was. Congratulations on beating me and leaving me in 12th place to right congratulatory recaps for everyone but myself. What are friends for.