Perfect Plex (Week 6)

 

We're 6 weeks deep in the league and the drama is just ramping up. More people are being converted to believers as miracles and prophecies continue to come to fruition. While Da GAWD was in another country, he had time to reflect on the state of the league and what has transpired in this Game of Throws. Let's get into it.

Your Chubby White Nabers 113.75 vs The Syndicate 123.90 

DA GAWD knows this win would've meant a lot to you Adam. With no Nabers or Kyren, a win without some of your best performers is the best way to capitalize on the season. The headscratcher was starting two TE's with one of them being the 19th option in a stacked receiver room. If you moved LaPorta to TE, and swapped him for Sutton, you probably could've got the win. I'm not saying you're  gonna make the playoffs (because you're not) but just fight enough not to be next to Eddie by the end of the season. 

At the time of this writing, you have just landed. DA GAWD appreciated the offerings that were bestowed before him in another galaxy, so with that, I have blessed with you with a Lazard blessing to win your matchup. I will also prevent Josh Allen from beating you and ruining the fun that you can reflect on. Congratulations on remaining focused on getting this team on the right side of .500. There's lots of season left and you'll need to continue fighting. 

Machine Gun Kelce 116.85 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 126.85

This week gave you all the could-a, should-a, would-a's. Why you continue to trust Calvin Ridley when he has a human whoopie cushion as a QB, I'll never know. THEN you spent $20 American FAAB dollars on Alexander Mattison to not start em. You could've started him or Michael Wilson and still won, DESPITE Goedert and Shaheed leaving their games early. Just when you get AJ Brown back you go and do something like this. Dust yourself off and try again next week. 

Just wow. Trav, you've officially moved up into the ranks of being close to the top of the dunes of Arrakis with DA GAWD. You made a gutsy call and sat Cook well before Monday. Many in your position may not have done so. Your'e making video jokes in the chat. Drafting like a champ, and firmly atop the standings. The rest of the league should be on notice that you've made the 3rd year leap that WR's do. 

Saved By the Dell 118.65 vs Team DQ 145.75

Da GAWD is starting to think you've officially checked out of the league. Maybe you're commiserating in the gym with Hector. You're both talking about how lame the league is and how ya'll don't need it. And when he leaned in for a hug, you remembered how he felt about Tom Brady. In any case, it might help to turn on the notifications in the chat. Maybe by seeing the discussion points, it could help you realize your back is against the wall. Teams don't make it to the playoffs with 8 losses and you already have 6. 

DQ, I really thought you would be afflicted by the champion curse, but it looks like you passed it to Eddie final destination style. You've now committed to Jayden Daniels, released Purdy from purgatory and have started adding players in preparation for the playoffs. DA GAWD sees all. Just leave a thumbs up emoji if you ever see this recap. I don't even need you to post in the chat. 

Django Achaned 110.90 vs This Team Iz Kang (Kwisatz) 144.70

DA GAWD hopes you're in a good place. Lowest point total of the week. No Stevenson, Achane, or Adams. You got stuck starting Trey Sermon for a measly 2.9 points while backfield vulture Allgeier went for almost 20. None of this was your fault which probably allowed you to just eat the loss. There's really not much to say about this one except don't take it too bad that you lost to Gordon. His team is better than most people think, despite how it started. 

I hope you learned your lesson from last week about trying to adopt a similar name to the GAWD. I think some of my aura must've rubbed off while I battled you in the trenches and you were able to get some commanding points from everyone, including your bench players. You probably took Tracy Jr off waivers just to prevent people like Gerald from winning. True gamesmanship. But this victory didn't come without sacrifice. At least you won't feel forced to start Olave expecting 2nd round pick returns. Congrats on the win. 

I Like to Marv it Marv it 123.60 vs Wilson! 140.50

While having a stack is always preferred by DA GAWD, the true stack is the trifecta. For your team, if either Murray or Harrison don't play/play well, the whole stack falls. That's what happened this week. when I offered you a blessing on Monday night, Da GAWD forgot that the Saleh firing was the "only" blessing you wanted for the season, so I had to revoke it. Next week when we face off, I'll try to take it easy. You're welcome. 

Quite the bounce back after having a rough time last week. Da GAWD tried to do you a favor by making sure White was out and you wouldn't have to start him, but I didn't think you'd put Jerome Ford in there. You got some great games out of Stroud, Mixon and your teams namesake. Maybe you'll get lucky in a few weeks and go on a run with Chubb. Or maybe he'll be a week to week start em sit em headache and the time you finally decide to start him - he beats the Steelers. 

Get Off my Dak 124.80 vs DA GAWD "Rojo" Al Gaib aka 172.75

No one can take away the fact that you were able to 3-peat chips in this league. Especially after taking advantage of a bad trade from DA GAWD. But there's nothing you or anyone else in this league can do to stop the prophecy that is unfolding before everyone's eyes. You think it was just coincidence that we had a matchup when Kupp and Jefferson were on a bye? You think your team's namesake put up the LOWEST QB points in a week we've ever seen - BY CHANCE!?!? It may be time to convert sooner than later. 

Highest point total of the week AGAIN. 6-0. The Syndicate was able to travel like a disciple with DA GAWD and be first hand witness of the miracles. While walking through the towns, he even asked "I still don't get why you picked up Dobbs, Doubs, however you say his name". Da GAWD explained and on Sunday Doubs went for 2 TDs. The week after Nico goes down. Many other miracles he witnessed as room situations were upgraded sight unseen. There have been many NFL teams that can repeat and be dynasties. But there's only ONE 1972 Dolphins. DA GAWD Al Gaib does it for the prophecy.

#Amen

 

Overtime (Week 5)

 

Week 5 brought the fireworks out to start October huh? Multiple teams hit some impressive heights in points scored and provided some much needed rejuvenation to your squads. Its especially impressive when you think of the bye weeks adding extra complication to teams decimated by injuries. Its almost like all the players that were garbage the last 4 weeks just showed up out of no where. Let's recap on how this week turned out. 

Get off My Dak 110.40 vs I like to Marv it Marv it 166.95

You know times are rough when you gotta start both Deebo and Jennings. They didn't even combine to 10 points. Even though none of your players were on a bye, those injuries might as put them on hiatus. Guess it was easier to just enjoy those mai thai's next to a big screen on your birthday. Takes the sting out of this loss just a bit. I don't think this was the birthday present you were looking for, but maybe Kupp comes back when its time for you to face Da GAWD next week. 

This was one of your best performances this season Jesus. Things were already looking up on Thursday when Darnell shot for the Moon and was your highest scorer. You followed that up with Higgins and Kyler going nuts. You might be shaking off some of that chip hangover at this point. If it weren't for the fact that those Jets keep letting you down, you might be able to let loose and enjoy this season a bit more. 

The Syndicate 123.00 vs Team DQ 153.00

This was a tough loss. Watching Tank Bigsby go nuts on your bench in this matchup had to leave you sick. No amount of smacking a pickle ball can take away that pain. Until Waddle gets a competent QB and two of your players come back from IR, you're going to have to continue to get creative with your starts. There's not a lot of bench spots in this league and holding that type of dead-weight could mean life or playoff death. We'll see what moves you make for Week 6. 

In a week that had almost every defense score 10 points or more, its surprising you won while the Baltimore defense put up 1 point. Either way, its impressive you've landed on the right side of .500 despite the way this season started for you. Bijan might not be showing that talent that made you take him in the first round, but the rest of your squad showed up in a big way. I've already wrote too much for someone that hasn't looked at these recaps. 

Machine Gun Kelce 124.85 vs Django Achaned 185.10

Damn. You go from facing DA GAWD last week to running into the team that put up the most points of the SEASON. I get it though. Damn near everyone was on bye for your team and Singletary was out. Even worse, Singletary's backup looked decent while the Giants went on to win. None of it mattered though because there wasn't a chance in hell you were gonna win against that many points. At least you had time to wash ALL the clothes. I'm talking linens, curtains, and blankets. You must've even had time to swap summer for winter clothes. You'll bounce back next week though with most of your players back. Just have my money. 

Good Lordy. Most points of the season so far and you could've had even more if you started Sermon over Wicks. All that contract stress you had to deal with paid off this week though. That Burrow/Chase stack went for 91 points alone. Even Kyle Pitts got into double digits. If you're lucky, Achane going down might make it easier to start Bucky Irving next week. Like I told you early in these recaps, just have your mind set on facing Da GAWD in the chip. Its gonna be one to remember. 

Wilson! 133.65 vs Your Chubby White Nabers 143.75

Ouch. No Taylor, no Mixon, and Dobbins on a bye. Had you sent a prayer up to Da GAWD Al Gaib, you might've had a fighting chance. I know its even more painful that players like Wilson go off in a week that you didn't really need them to and the fringe players you count on put up duds. The only thing going for you is that you already had 3 wins going into this game, so you could afford to lose at least this week. If you find yourself in a bind though, you know who to call. 

Finally right?? With your back against the wall with absolutely NO ONE to start and Nabers out, you managed to get your first win. I envision that you looked like Vince McMahon as Kraft caught the long TD, then Pierce caught the long TD, and THEN Slayton balled out. Despite Allen, Lamb and Kyren putting together pedestrian games, you gotta hand it to your replacements. It may not get better, but bask in the win. You earned it. 

Saved By The Dell 138.65 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 182.60

This is really troubling to see Eddie. You're now 0-5. Even the Jaguars managed to get a win this week. How long are you going to hold on to Hockenson while you wait for your first win? The Aaron Jones train has finally crashed (as expected) and Roshon Johnson won't keep getting those garbage time TDs. Your team is in serious trouble. Once you get to 7 losses, just call it a wrap. If you set aside 1 dollar a week from now til next draft day, you can help support starving drafters like you next year. It might be a better investment than searching the waives with your FAAB money. 

Now this deserves a slow clap. From laughing stock to one of the highest point totals scored this season. First Drake London went off then Lamar got some extra time to get busy. The biggest shocker is having the balls to lock in on Whittington (who wasn't even on DA GAWD's radar) instead of Lockette facing the Giants. If you were an NFL player, you'd be tested for PEDs by now because this type of performance needs to be investigated when compared to your previous seasons. Either way, great win. You'll be a fun fresh face in the playoffs. 

This Team Iz NOT THE KWISATZ HADERACH 119.70 VS Da Gawd AL GAIB 132.25

While Da GAWD was enjoying his time away, you thought you could play GAWD huh? Kwisatz huh? Thursday started with a solid performance from Evans. Then Chubba Hubbard and Scary Terry started putting in some work. By Sunday night, you thought it'd be fun to add a little funny name for your fantasy team after watching Sam Darnold completely faceplant against his old team. Then Monday night came....and went. You were up 3 points with Olave and Grupe to go and they combined for a paltry 3 points. Nice try though.

The universe been sending DA GAWD all the signs except stop it. The league been plottin' on me but here's the plot twist. DA GAWD keeps getting boxed in because he's a gift to this league. Despite running into the usual weakness of going away from Olympus, DA GAWD prevailed. Forget what you believe in, DA GAWD believes in ME. DA GAWD had a 20% chance to win going into Monday night. But like magic, Da GAWD's old friend Kareem Hunt came to bail him out. The same Kareem Hunt that was traded to him by Gordon himself. DA GAWD's about to drop the sequel and this is just a preview. Win number 5 in a row. Are you kidding me? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GORDON?!?!? I AM!!

#Amen

Walk Down (Week 4)

 

I don't know how many weeks its gonna take, but at some point ya'll gonna recognize this is really happening. DA GAWD Al GAIB is here to enact judgement for the lack of faith that has lingered for years here. In the meantime, I'll do the service of recapping your Week 4, but ultimately, it doesn't matter. Dread it. Run from it. Destiny is arriving all the same. I'm mowing down each of your teams at a walking pace like I'm Jason in Friday the 13th. Let's get into the petty squabbles you mortals had this week. 

Get off my Dak 134.35 vs Wilson! 151.75

Last week was an impressive win despite your bench looking like an infirmary. But it looks like the magic ran out. Even though you got Deebo back, I tried to tell you he wasn't part of the #GAWDSQUAD. It was only for Jordan Mason and George Kittle. Things can start looking up when you get Kupp back, but you needed this humbling moment. Putting DA GAWD's name in the same sentence as "being like you" will only result in more pain. Repent before its too late. 

After struggling to get over 100 pts last week, you bounced back with a solid win. Big props to Jordan Addison and Niners defense putting in that work for you - especially when McBride and Mixon couldn't play. You even had some players on the bench show up in ways that were unexpected. Get ready to sit Dobbins next week and let him ball out though. Its inevitable. They say that in order to be happy you have to enjoy the journey and not the end goal. And its true. Enjoy your time in the sun because these memories will keep you happy during your early playoff exit. 

I like to Marv it Marv it 108.10 vs This Team Iz Kang(Mort) 138.25

When the Cardinals game started, I thought it was gonna be a shoot out. Then DA GAWD walked away and made sure that the rain would move along from Florida and water the planet as it called out to me. When I turned the Eye of Sauron back to the game, I realized I let the game get out of hand after seeing the Commanders completely stop your stack. It didn't help that Breece Hall and your Jets lost either. Double sting on Fantasy Sunday. And to top it all off, you gave Gordon his first win. Just be happy your car didn't flood. Let's see what you do next week with the PPR monster Wan'Dale Robinson. 

FINALLY, amirite?!?! After weeks of ridicule and an embarrassing loss last week, you got your first win and climbed out of the depths (not by much) of 12th place. Slowly but surely, you're team is ramping up into competitive form. No more starting both Steelers RBs. You got Chubba Hubbard putting in work. Plus Dowdle showing some signs of life. If the Dolphins manage to get a QB by Week 12, you might even be able to get some revenge on Gordon in Week 14 and MAYBE knock him out of playoff contention for an ultimate comeback. Just don't fuck it up. 

Saved by the Dell 111.40 vs Django Achaned 121.10

Woof. I don't think there's a nice way to say this, but you might not get more than 4 wins this season. You'd think that not drafting a good QB, would make the rest of your team stacked. Trying to stack BOTH Bears WRs with a mediocre rookie QB is just wicked work. You would've got the win if you just kept Goff instead of dropping him too since that was the smarter stack. When half-moon hairline Aaron Jones is the brightest spot on your team, you should be worried. As DA GAWD AL GAIB, I implore you to trade with ANYBODY to make this better. You simply don't have the FAAB to turn this thing around. 

Whew. That was a close one. With sub-par performances from your team namesake and Stevenson, its a good thing your Burrow/Chase stack worked out. Bit of a head-scratcher starting Jacoby Meyers, but a win is a win right? Also, shout out to holding on to Kyle Pitts. I hope you understand the pain of feeling like "THIS GOTTA BE THE WEEK" with him. And we all know the minute you don't start him, he's going for 6/80/TD. Don't worry though, you'll get a competent QB for the Dolphins and be in playoff shape when it counts. 

The Syndicate 92.80 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 125.50

First McCaffrey and now Rice? DA GAWD knows you're starting to feel the pressure of some players needing to turn things around. Had Rice finished out, you probably could've stayed competitive in this matchup. With Hurts coming up on a bye, its gonna crunch time to really get your next win. Nobody knows (except DA GAWD) if McCaffrey will be back in time to turn around a fantasy season nor is there a timetable to make Waddle have a good QB. I don't envy the position that you're in. Might be time to start getting REALLY good at pickle ball this until Christmas. 

In DA Good Book, they say a man who finds a good woman finds a good thing. She has successfully made your team a true contender and likely playoff hopeful. Gone are the days of ridicule. You have established yourself in this league as a formidable contender this year. You smartly sat Mark Andrews who had a donut when MANY wouldn't do such a thing. With Rice likely out for the season, that Xavier Worthy pick is going to prove fruitful. Make sure you get your girl something nice over the holidays for supporting this winning season in. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 134.70 vs Team DQ 136.05

I know this one hurts Adam. Josh Allen was on a tear while you were falling short. Then when the rest of your team shows up, he leaves. One more catch for LaPorta for 10 yards would've got you your first win this week. But no. The Jets stench permeated all the way to your fantasy team. Just disappointing loss compounded by disappointing loss. I was going to put my blessing out there for you but I held back knowing that it would provide false hope. Even though you're doing worse than Gordon right now, be happy you're not Eddie. That's an even worse Jet fan situation to be in right now. Hopefully Chubb comes back when you need him most. 

Ooowwweee you must've been sweating this out the same way you sweat off that weight. After starting the right QB and getting a surge from Jayden Reed, Monday night had to have you nervous. While I don't actually know because you send a message in the chat once a week, I'm sure the feelings were there. Good win this week. You can still be a contender if my Nicua Puka comes back. We'll just see when that happens. 

Machine Gun Kelce 121.45 vs Muad'Dib TDs aka DA GAWD 185.90

This one was lost from the gate. With Devin Singletary putting up a measly 4.8 pts, it hurt doubly when you looked at the almost 40 points that Walker had cookin on the bench. I figured I was doing you favor. Knowing you were running into me should've had you finished with all your chores by 3pm with enough time to do some extra chores for a divorcee by 6pm. We both know you you weren't winning this matchup but leaving points on the table hurts when it comes to the hunt for second place. Keep cookin' up those bets though, because I got plans for that 50 you're gonna owe. 

Are ya'll paying attention to the trends? Da GAWD is walking down on all the opps with ease. Being a supreme being requires me to crush each squad like the ants they are while having highest points. I've unlocked PPR Henry. I've got Kareem Hunt in the holster waiting to re-enact 2018 but with a vengeance. Nico Collins (who was SHAMEFULLY offered to each of you in a trade) is DOMINATING. Did we forgot how the league sounded like owls asking "who" when I drafted Jordan Mason? What more does DA GAWD have to do for you to recognize that I'M HIMOTHY ATRIEDES - GAWD of Fantasy Football? Muad'Dib of the Matchups? DA GAWD AL GAIB will show you the way. 

#Amen

No Mercy (Week 3)

 

It's Week 3 of the NFL season and it's been 21 days of disbeliefs. Some of you are seeing the signs but you're scared. Could this be the Da GAWD Al Gaib's undefeated season? Are his powers back? How could a week full of hurt players be his work? Let me recap how it all went down for you and how I tapped into my supreme being. 

Popgun Kelce 97.95 vs I like to Marv it Marv it 119.95

Life comes at you fast my boy. After getting the W and holding off Kamara last week, your team showed up just shy of 100 pts. You could blame  your missing stars, but DHop and Goedart were sitting right there. Why you'd have two of Will Levis WRs is beyond me, but we don't have answers for a lot of things you do. It doesn't get much better next week because you face the Supreme Being and then you got players on bye. Just remember to have your offering for Da GAWD at the end of the season. 

First off, congratulations on climbing your way out of the bottom of the league. Secondly, Da Gawd had to make a sacrifice in order to continue dominance. It's not a reflection of the grudge for not trading away Tevin Coleman or the disbelief I've witnessed for 4 years. It's just business. Be grateful that you faced Gerald, because any other matchup would've had you hanging an L. 

Wilson! 104.75 Vs Team DQ 121.90

All fun and games until you witness how disbelief results in a loss. If you just read from the good book, you could have sat Dobbins, and picked up a starter to potentially win. Yet you still followed the prophecy and had no choice. When I gave you an out to repent in the middle of the game, you doubled down on disbelief. Don't think Da Gawd forgot about your drunken blasphemy either. There's gonna be a lot of "struggle to 100" games in your future until you bend the knee. Remember, you're only a few points ahead of the guy that drafted unlimited WRs. 

It's a shame that you won't read this and understand how you could become a believer and lift this chip curse off your team. The only reason you won is because Da Gawd needed to teach your opponent a lesson. One favor though. Next week start Daniels again so I can have Purdy go off on your bench while Kittle is healthy.

This Team Is a Victim 120.55 vs Get off my Dak 152.85

Gordon, you're literally living a Trix Rabbit nightmare. This was gonna be the week that you got your first win while beating your ChatBullyGPT. But what happens as your running across the finish line? You slip on a Dallas Defense banana peel, step on a rake that makes Juan Jennings smack you in the face and fall further back to 0-3. It's like the harder you try, the worse this gets. I don't know what else I can do to help but make you take my trade offer. It's your only salvation. 

Even Da Gawd has to admit this was an impressive win. With your back against the wall with literally no other options for your players, you managed to get second highest point total of the week. In a game that should've left you for dead, you've now climbed back to the right side of .500. We all know you're a formidable opponent, but Da GAWD Al Gaib is here to wield a new trophy and steer this league into the golden age. Enjoy the ride. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 121.25 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 130.50

This game went down to the wire didn't it? While everyone at home saw a Jaguars shellacking, you and Trav were on the edge of your seats everytime the Bills were in the redzone. Lamb going MIA while Dak went off had to hurt too. The bright side is that you started the right QB and Nabers is paying off. Just a shame you had to lose LaPorta in a critical game. Keep chasing that first win. 

Another week and another win for you Trav. They can hate all they want but finding a girl that knows fantasy football to make you better is no different than finding a way to be better. Next time you win though, tell her it's rare to start two TEs when there's a lot more flex options. These ain't the Hernandez/Gronk days. Keep on winning though. 

Django Enslaved 137.15 vs The Syndicate 152.45

Looking at the projected totals, I'm wondering if you felt confident in them. With Stevenson performing as expected and Achane being a shell of himself without Tua, this is gonna be a bumpy road. At least Chase finally showed up after stressing you out to start the season. If only Pitts could've caught that TD, you might have had some more hope. 

Wasn't so bad losing to Da Gawd last week. It was a blessing in disguise. The spice melange that fell from my ethereal robes while winning last week had a residual effect of blessing your replacements towards the win. Charbonnet and Johnson turned up at the right time and kept you solid. I don't know how Likely you are to grab another TE, but it might need to happen sooner than later. 

Saved by the Dell 121.85 vs Da Gawd al Gaib 155.80

At one point during the day, you had a projected lead. Da Gawd could feel you silently holding back your shit talk hoping that you secured your victory first. But desperate times called for desperate measures. I had to sacrifice my own Devonte Smith in order to unleash Saquon and Derrick Henry. The bright side, you'll probably get a win next week. 

Da GAWD took the coal out his heart and realized it's time to embrace my destiny. I didn't mean for this season to be the one I flex on y'all. Ain't no competition cuz there's no one in my position. Gawd told me to do it, so I'm doing it. This prophecy isn't mine. Da Gawd Al Gaib is just the messenger. 

#Amen

Preach (Week 2)

I don't think y'all are understanding what you're about to witness this season. I'm being humble about it though, but Da GAWD is putting together a performance and you're all a witness. Your feeble attempts at second place are just the subplot of my magnificent season. But since you all lack the 4th dimensional vision I have, I'll recap Week 2 from the 3rd dimensional perspective. 

This Team is Toast 86.45 vs Wilson! 92.80

We all thought things were bad when you had to start both Steelers Rbs. But this shit is turning tragic and we ain't even hit bye weeks. Tua going down turned the cheetah into a house cat and Amari Cooper is researching rub n tugs on Craigslist to get his QB right. You know it's bad when your kicker outscored 4/5 of your first picks. To top it all off, you tricked on Colby Parkinson like TE was your biggest concern. Please stay off the drugs. 

Shorty, count your lucky stars that you played Gordon this week. Your fantasy team and Steelers seem to be kindred spirits. Can't put points on the board but coming away with an ugly win. I hate to put this plague on you, but when you start JK Dobbins next week he's gonna barely get 10 pts since you kept doubting him. Da GAWD has spoken. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 112.25 vs Django Achaned 136.10

I'm getting a lot of entertainment watching your QBs perform exactly the same. It's kinda like predestiny in that whoever you choose, it's the same outcome. The only head scratcher is believing in Courtland Sutton. The Steelers play good defense, the Broncos play bad offense and you sat TWO players that went up against two mid-terrible defenses. For your sake, I hope holding Chubb doesn't end up like that year you held Le'veon Bell. 

Guess this game was sewn up by Thursday night huh? With Tua down, it looks like Achane is the one to own in the entire offense. Then Davante Adams practiced his Michael Jackson moves on the way to securing the win all before the 4pm games started. Keep going strong this season. You'll be back in the playoffs in no time. Sidenote, I'm very happy you have Pitts. 

High School High 118.65 vs I like to Marv it Marv it 182.20

Da GAWD spent WAY too much time trying to understand this performance. So you spent almost 25% of your FAAB money on a player to BENCH HIM?? In favor of a guy that's barely an option and got 0.00 points? And now you're gonna be down Pacheco? I don't know what to make of the rest of your season, but I think it's time to talk to a fantasy financial planner and curtail this spending before your season is over by Week 4. Or maybe call JG Wentworth. You need cash now. 

Highest point total of the week after struggling last week. Da GAWD is hating because the plan was to get highest total every week.  Lucky for you, everyone on the internet made fun of the Cardinals for stupidly not getting the ball to Marvin Harrison. On top of that, you benefited from AJ Browns absence and Josh Jacobs getting a millions touches. Just gotta hope he can keep up that kinda usage before he gets a permanent Q tatted on his on leg. 

Team DQ 121.50 vs Looking at thr man in Jahmyr 125.55

Winning a chip in this league is similar to the Madden curse. You had to be prepared to understand that no matter who you drafted, misfortune was gonna follow. It's rough when you gotta start a number 15 Zeke and a Rams TE with the same name as a disease. I don't know if things get better but don't let this stop you from ignoring the chat. You're doing a great job. 

On Thursday night, I was worried about you being highest point total of the week. James Cook went crazy and it looked like you had the win in the bag. But then things got dicey by Sunday night and you were left praying for Kirk Cousins not to be Kirk Cousins in primetime. Damn shame he had to come through for you against the Eagles. But this league is what matters and you secured the win. 

Get off My Dak 141.85 vs Machine Gun Kelce 154.85

There must be something in the air whenever you play Gerald. The games are close and he has no business starting some of the players he does. Despite having Kamara go nuclear, the injuries on your team held you back. Losing Kupp and Deebo is gonna have massive effects on your squad moving forward - and that's after having Engram out. Just remember the good times of being a champ. This season ain't it. 

When you started getting excited at that Shaheed TD, I knew you were still gonna win. It's like your whole squad showed up to prove me wrong that you were gonna lose. It's a solid win to hold up without AJ Brown or Kenneth Walker. The good thing is that your bench players did good enough to start screwing up your start em sit em decisions. Just don't forget who's still ahead in the standings. 

The Syndicate 128.45 vs DA GAWD 169.90

I hate it had to be you with the first bro. I tried to preach to everyone at the draft about what was coming to CMC but it was already written in Da Good Book. I could spend time explaining what you could and couldn't do, but it didn't matter. Ultimately, you ran into Da GAWD during the blessed season. 

I know there's still non believers in this league but you'll all understand soon. When Da GAWD is talking y'all need to listen. I remember I used to fall asleep in church. My Grandma used to slap the hell out my ass. I see why though. Cause when somebody talkin' you supposed to listen to everything that they sayin'. 

Especially when a Gawd like me talkin'. 

#Amen

Does Mercedes Make a Hearse? (Week 1)

 

You know how long I been waiting for this? Whoo Imma bout to make a name for myself here.

Welcome back to the highly anticipated NFL season of 2024 and boy did we have doozy of a week 1. Now I know there's been much anticipation for recaps and ridicule for the lack of them, but this season is about to be the best. Because this one has a special surprise ending. But there's no fun in spoiling it early. We gotta let this all play out. Let's review the week as we compare what was said during the draft. 

I like to Lose it Lose it 101.10 vs The Syndicate 130.00

"Doubs is already gone?! That's crazy". 

What's really crazy is that Doubs outperformed your second overall pick this week. Sure Marv Jr can probably end the season with 3 weeks of a lights out performance but you forgot a CRUCIAL detail. His QB has more pick 6's than TD's since he signed that contract. I know you were struggling when Higgins went out and you had to start a 3rd option rookie WR tied to a QB that's more concerned with nail colors than wins. For your sake, I hope you don't stay in last for the season. 

"Why would you say CMC is gonna be hurt?"

Because I'm DA GAWD. I feel for you because you had no choice at the first pick. Solid resourceful win in crunch time when there's no backup for your first pick and its Monday Night. Relying on Lazard to get the win had to feel like a prayer. But I'm still there to answer prayers because I DRAFTED your backup. Fortunately, Njoku's injury will force you to start Likely and you'll only have to decide when you can reliably start CMC. (hint, it won't be next week either). Great Monday Night win though. Especially using Jesus' on Jet while he loses fantasy and his team loses. Cold. 

Team MIA til next September 107.95 vs Django Achaned 137.30

"I can't believe Bijan fell to me at 9"

I know you're not even reading the first one, but this is for the chat at large. DQ was simply STUNNED and excited to get Bijan only to see a lack of production week 1. Sure, he'll have some good weeks, but there's a reason DA GAWD took Saquon over him. But to follow up with Puka thinking he's going to continue the unreal run he had from last year? That's ballsy. At least your bench was ballin outta control. Congrats on the weightloss though. Looks better on you than losing. 

"Doubs Gif"

Woo that Burrow/Chase stack was looking mighty shaky on Sunday. All week refreshing player updates on any indication if Chase would play. Good thing you got this win. You deserve it for keeping DA GAWD grounded in taking Nico Collins. As you can see, you were rewarded with second highest points of the week AND A SURPRISE KYLE PITTS TD. We'll be having a rematch in the chip. I'm not choppin this time. 

Where Is Dell 117.25 vs Get off my Dak 118.15

"I'm not trading DJ Moore for Nico Collins"

I can't believe I was being that generous at that time in the draft. DJ Moore has played with worse QBs but it might take him a while to get goin. Lucky for you, I think Sun GAWD bounces next week with 110 and a TD. But at the same time, Aaron Jones won't last all season. Hope you can do enough to make the chip. You silently drafted and didn't incur my wrath. Tell Hector that Quis asked about him. 

"Ya'll wasting your time just to come in second"

That's a funny comment from someone that took Keenan Allen. I don't even think you make it to second place and it would be my pleasure to bounce you from the semi's. But I digress. Kupp was a great pick for you. You and I both know his value should have been higher so instead of letting him fall to me, you took him early and got rewarded. Don't let these 1 pt wins become regular though or you might not get the chance to lose to me in the playoffs. 

This Team is All WR no RB 121.40 vs Machine Gun Kelce 122.05

"You must know something"

You seemed to be the only one that recognized that such a crazy draft move by DA GAWD wasn't so crazy. You followed suit and Jordan Love outperformed Mahomes even though that field was built like a BBL from Irvington. It was a radical approach to change from having no WR to having no RBs, but we'll see how things shake out for you. Its probably more of the same since you literally made no trade that would've benefited you. But how about we link up like old times and I get you a deal that works real well.  I only hope that you beat Quis this year so that you can get that off your back. 

"Yo, Redd must be drafting high or drunk"

"Who da fuck is Jordan Mason!?!"

"You might as well gimme the 50 now after that draft"

I WAS BOAF. The edible hit right in the 4th round. This week you squeezed out a win but don't expect things to get better. Ridley still got Levis throwing to him. Metcalf still got Geno throwing to him. And Kelce is knee deep in reading fan mail from the Swifties. Not to mention taking Devin Singletary. As a Giants fan, I don't know how you thought Devin would be able to do what SAQUON couldn't. Just make sure you got that money for that bet by December. 

Looking at the man that let someone else draft 126.05 vs Wilson 133.50

"Wish I was at the draft to join in the shit talk"

You were missed. Mainly because we couldn't verify that it was you drafting. Everyone lauded your picks but a draft doesn't make a whole season. But it was a big improvement. If TJ Watt didn't single handedly stop the Falcons, you probably would've got the win. You lost this week but your squad is definitely formidable. Enjoy the whip. 

"That was an awful pick"

All that talk and Doubs outscored Christian Kirk. Your squad is solid, but that's no surprise right? Another year of a solid draft. Another year where we wonder how far you'll go. But this year is personal. Dont think DA GAWD forgets. That lil drunk talk with Juan gonna come back to hit hard this year. With that said, you will be plagued to have almost all of your JT TD's vultured by Anthony Richardson. The rest of your RBs will make up the slack. Congrats on the win though. 

 2 Non Players 1 Team 129.50 vs DA GAWD ALMIGHTY 171.30

"I bet Doubs won't be better than x,y, and DA GAWD DON'T CARE"

You must've had a lot of faith in your first 8 picks to take guys that won't be playing for 4-8 weeks. I gotta admit, your love for the Jets and hate for Sam Darnold runs deep enough that you took the Giants defense. The only problem is that a Defense does well when they're offense doesn't keep them out there for damn near 40 minutes a game. It's gonna be fun watching you decide between Black Josh Allen or White Anthony Richardson each week. Hopefully those PUP/NFI players come to fruition for you. 

"The sound of the universe converging on Juan's house"

Highest point total of the week. Highest during the draft. And well on my way to making Saquon Barkley the 2024 CMC. I've been waiting 4 long years for this. This is chess, not checkers. I'm going for the undefeated season. I'm going for it all. Get your squads together because this is gonna be something ya'll aint ever seen, and people won't believe it when you re-tell the stories. 

#Amen

Just Another Gawd (Week 5)

 

This season has felt all sorts of crazy, but I think we finally had a "normal" week. Every team was able to get over 100 points despite the bye weeks being in full effect and nobody left inactive players in the roster. Its a shame this has to be pointed out, but credit has to be given where credits due. We're a third of the way through and the league is wide open with close records. Let's recap the week. 

I Only Had Kittle 105.15 vs Team DQ 147.60

I know, I know, you're team is hurt. We get it. No Keenan, Evans, Higgins, Chubb. You lost Conner this week and Dak played worse than Zach Wilson. You know you struggling when you're starting players like Terrace Marshall or flexing Jake Ferguson for a desperation TD. The good news is that the bye week for Keenan and Evans should be over and maybe Higgins will be healthy now that Burrow remembered he's a QB and not a rapper. We'll see how it all shakes out Week 6.

DQ, you might be the first silent expansion team that managed to coast into first place. If it weren't for the fact that I saw you with a mini-fan at the draft, I'd think you were an AI bot to fill the 12th spot. Of all the players you drafted, it's looking like LaPorta might be the steal of the draft. The rest of your team might be questionable, but being 4-1 so far after having a horrific season last year is a big come up. Let me know if you read this by Week 13. 

Fields Mob 130.95 vs This Team Iz Kang 144.35

In 2002, a rap group named Field Mob came out with a song called Sick of Being Lonely, which was on the album called "From the Roota to tha Toota". It was bouncy and just coasted on some southern rap wave that was rising thanks to the work put in by Cash Money. But they trolled their label because they clearly weren't gonna be a big hit. Similarly, I think you're getting trolled by Justin Fields. How can he start the season so trash to then put back to back career type performances.... on your bench? I don't envy you making the decision on whether to start Fields against the lowly Vikings and then realize you're bad luck will have him put up a dud. At least Hill showed up and My Nacua Puka is still relevant. 

Now this win deserves a bit more credit than just having DJ Moore. Having the stomach to start Burrow again, without Higgins and after seeing him look terrible against the lowly Titans had to be difficult. OR (and I'm judging by the fact that you thought that the traveling Cowboys had a defense that could stop 4 FUCKIN' PRO-BOWLERS on the same side of the ball) you're a fantasy football crackhead that doens't know when to stop. Either way, this was just the type of win you needed. At this rate, you might get ahead of Quis' jokes and show you're other league how its done. 

The Home Depot 127.55 vs My Cousin Justin 131.60

Oof. Just when we thought you were going to start climbing out of last place, Trav went ahead and stepped on your back. Each week, you're done nothing particularly wrong. Who would've thought Tajae Spears would outperform Stevenson? Starting Tutu for the dart throw TD was the right call. And just when it looks like Zay Jones would be serviceable, he's hurt again. I heard Home Depot has great classes on Saturday mornings though and you can start with like a birdhouse. It soothes the soul during times like these. Better luck next week. 

Da GAWD sees and answers all prayers. Trav, it looked like you were a goner in this one. Watching JJ pull up with the hammy was devastating. Even worse was watching Moss ball on your bench. But late in the day, Goedart started going. And just when I thought the Cowboys would be in a shootout, the 9ers defense made Dak look at Tray Lance with the side eye. Congrats on what probably felt like a rollercoaster ride towards a W. 

Jonesin for a Swift TD 138.50 vs The Syndicate 155.20

After 4 weeks of patiently waiting for a game to explode on, Jonathan Taylor came out like popcap. To be fair, you would've thought the Colts would've played him a bit more considering that he said the ankle issue was a rumor and that he just got paid. However, Moss went bezerk while JT sputtered. Maybe none of this will matter if/when Aaron Jones comes back and Swift starts getting in the endzone. Until then, I hope AJ Brown continues to outperform and the rest of your team shits the bed. 

Is it me, or are the impending nuptials making you want the chip money to splurge a lil more on the honeymoon? Things seem to aligning nicely for your team. Cooper Kupp came back like he didn't miss a beat. ETN was running like someone in the end zone was sayin 'Sak pase!' And it looks like you got just the right amount of production from Achane when you needed it, now that he's been sent to IR. Plus you're getting Ekeler back just in time to face Da GAWD. Congrats on the win but that's all you're gonna get before you face me. 

Roster Imposter (like Rasta Pasta) 145.10 vs Ja'mamas house 159.35

Eddie, you did everything you were supposed to do except start George Pickens over Robinson. But that's what I'd expect you to do at this point. I've been telling you for weeks that this team is destined to remain outside the playoffs and you're following the script to a T. Breece Hall and Travis Swift won't always be there to prop up this team. For your sanity, I think you should reach out to Jesus and ask him about the Home Depot workshops he's attending, you make Jets based wood items, then you burn em on a Sunday night while you watch your fantasy and football teams futures go up in flames. 

FINALLY, right!?! Did you shout that at home and scare your family? I know I would have. Jamar Chase finally returned the value you've been looking towards for weeks. He single-handedly took on the onslaught of points from Breece and Travis Swift. This was your "Kirko" week. Enjoy it. Put on the chain. Dance around the house. Give a shot of some liquor to the Steelers tat. This win was a long time comin. 

Bijan Mustard 145.10 vs DA GAWD 154.35

Da GAWD ain't gon' lie on this one. It was scary hours on Monday night. Ceedee Lamb underperformed and AJ Dillon wasn't a guarantee to get 10 points. Meanwhile, Jakobi Meyers has been known to get lots of targets and could easily have gone apeshit.  In another universe, Da GAWD was holding on by a pinky to ensure that Adams didn't get one more catch and send DA GAWD to the heavenly guillotine. If it weren't for Lamar's WR's playing like the Little Giants, I would've been cooked. But I think we know this loss happened because you asked Da GAWD for a blessing against HIM. I hope you learned your lesson. 

All of you need to take note that DA GAWD is taking trash and turning it into treasure. AJ Dillon getting his first TD. Rice getting another TD. DA GAWD put up the third highest points without 3 of his crucial picks. Suffice to say, I'm back. 

#Amen