1942 Flows (Week 2)

Week 2 came in like a hurricane. Up was down. Pineapples were on pizza. Players retired midway through games. Pure madness. Let’s see how you all fared in this Game of Throws……(duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh)

This Team Tried Hard 151.55 vs Destroyer of Gawds? 162.20

Da GAWD is disappointed in you Gordon. DA GAWD tried to bestow the heavenly blessing of an Agholor for Morris trade and you sat on it. Your false sense of success had you Ju-Ju’ing on that beat too early. I bet you thought the win was in the bag after witnessing the alleyway trade rape that Trav was about to experience. But this league got more than RBs and WRs. There’s Kickers and Defenses too, both of which let America down. Take a knee this week. You fought hard, but sometimes your own namesake can take you out.  

Quis managed a respectable win through Kenosha, Wisconsin’s very own Melvin Gordon III. And FUCK giving Quis a recap because he’s doomed while keeping Melvin on his squad. More about Melvin….

Melvin was a two-sport star athlete, succeeding in both football and track. As a junior, he racked up 1,098 rushing yards and 16 touchdowns, which earned Melvin honorable mention All-state and All-region honors by the Wisconsin Football Coaches Association (WFCA). As a senior, Melvin broke out for 2,009 yards and 38 touchdowns, which earned him first-team All-state honor by the Associated Press and the WFCA. He was also named the Wisconsin Gatorade Football Player of the Year. As a recruit, Melvin was regarded as a four-star recruit by Rivals.com, and was ranked the No. 24 running back in the entire nation. ESPN.com also ranked Melvin as the top player in Wisconsin. Following his senior season, he chose to accept a scholarship offer from Wisconsin over Iowa, Michigan and Louisville.

Saquon This L 141.75 vs BigBlkPipeslayr 173.80

Juan, please explain to the league how you let Dion Lewis stay in your lineup. There was nothing you could do about this loss. Da GAWD had a hard time finding stupidity in your lineup but there was literally nothing you could do. Even if you started any of your RBs over the Mariota-less, offensive lineman-less, Titans RB, you still had to suck on that L like a lollipop. AB was like a firework dud and Joe Mixon barely played. All you can do now is move forward with trying to trade for better RBs because Joe Mixon can’t carry you through the sand.

Now Gerald, do you think its just a coincidence that your squad was resurrected from the depths of fantasy hell? You even managed to have bum ass Chris Ivory score a TD on your bench. Everyone showed up the week you needed it the most. Coincidence? First there was two sets of footprints in the sand. Then there was one set of footprints in the sand. When times get hard and shit hits the fan, GAWD didn’t walk with you he carried you man.

Stay Off the Crack 105.50 vs Green eggs and SAM 115.90

In ancient Greece, Sisyphus was a prideful King with the 7^th pick in his Kingdom. His punishment for disobeying Da GAWD was to roll a boulder up the top of hill only for it to roll back to the bottom as it nears the top. That punishment is a lesson in futile efforts. This second week should’ve taught Trav that no matter what choices were made, he was doomed to lose for keeping Melvin from DA GAWD. Like Moses told Ramses, it was only gonna get worse.  Now he’s out here selling himself on the corner for WR3’s and RB3/Flex’s. He even left pts on the bench that could’ve saved his Sunday. Now that you’ve passed the curse to Quis, I will only doom you with an 11^th seed finish.

After starting the week down 1 pt (with his opponent yet to play ANYONE), the Green Dream clawed his way to a pathetic win. Still not knowing which Jet to start (which makes no sense when you know what type of team you have), he managed a victory, which isn’t easy in this league unless you’re DA Gawd or play Trav. Thank the strength of your schedule or simple Gawd/me for allowing such a pitiful win to hit the record books. You're in 2nd place with two kickers on your roster, you on borrowed time. Mark my words, you will know my name is DA GAWD when I strike vengeance upon thee for the playoff exit of 2017.

ShuTheBucUp 169.80 vs Braille 123.75

Mute Dave managed to shit the bed in a way I haven’t seen in a while. Knowing that his opponent is in love with Fitzmagic, it would only be fitting to start Godwin over Kenny “the Jet” Stills. (Is that his nickname? It is now). Then Gronk managed to crumble into a symbol that came to be known as “The Blocker formerly known as Gronk”. Meanwhile, bench points kept racking up while pedestrian Lamar Miller checked in with a +50 yds no td performance. I could go on, but we know he doesn’t know this blog even exists.

Hector, I respect the way you dodged this week’s plagues. Sitting Rodgers, having Big Ben ready to fire up and then leaving Fournette in, you really had something to prove this week after DA GAWD shutdown your win last week. Maybe that Fitzmagic is rubbing off on you. Or maybe I want to see you get close to a playoff berth in Week 13 only to be let down with a colossal Gawd Plague. Congrats on your win and we’ll see if you know when/where to start Amari Cooper in the future.

For Whom the Bell Tolls 112.65 vs Beard in the North 127.10

Shorty….WTF is going on with your squad. You now have 2, dos, 1+1, WRs that don’t even have contracts in the NFL. THEY HAVE NO POTENTIAL TO EARN YOU POINTS! The other WRs you do have are former color commentator Brandon Marshall, 85% (is it 65% now?) Doug Baldwin, Michael “3rd Option” Crabtree and Quincy Enunwa. If the alarm ain’t go off yet, you need to quit hittin snooze. I didn’t set a plague to you and your Kicker out here getting hurt during WARM UPS!!! Wait.....you DID cross Da GAWD. By introducing this "pick your pick" non-sense, Travis had no clue what to do with his ferrari of an 8th pick and now we're here. This is on you.

Beard, this is the second week you’ve failed to reach 130 pts. It seems you and Josh Gordon are in the same “can’t get right” crew. It hasn’t alarmed you yet that after AJ Green you have no blockbuster players? It doesn’t seem just a bit unsettling that you’re starting players that have absolutely no value? Maybe you came to realization early on that a repeat isn’t in your future. That doesn’t mean you don’t try. Sure, you’re 2^nd overall pick probably won’t be back til Week 10 and Larry Fitzgerald will probably quit during Week 3’s halftime. But that don’t mean you quit!

Everybody is Somebody 129.90 vs G.A.W.D. AKA THE BEING, AKA A$AP TOUCHDOWNS 206.30

I’m not even gonna insult you this week Jesus. You didn’t deserve the mighty hurricane that was Da GAWD’s team. You ain’t deserve to watch helplessly as TD after TD rained from the heavens of Mahomes mighty arm. You shouldn’t have to deal with the fleeting hope that Stephon Diggs would put up 50 pts and the rest of the DA GAWDs team would commit 10 fumbles in a single game. You shouldn’t have to pray that the Almighty would stop allowing a KICKER to put up more points than most of the players on Trav’s team. NO ONE, deserves that type of beating.

YOU ARE ALL A WITNESS TO THE AWESOME POWERS OF DA GAWD OF FANTASY FOOTBALL. First DA GAWD tries to offer each of your wretched teams the 10+ targets a week Nelson Agholor. Then, in a galaxy far away, calls for the Ajayi TD that puts him over the top AS ITS HAPPENING AND HE’S NOT EVEN NEAR A TV. You are all witnessing Negrodamus at his finest hour. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE? Da GAWD on some shit that they ain't seen before, dream chasin' and catchin' all his goals.

#Amen

GAWD's Plan

Welcome back to the tournament that separates the pit-bulls from the poodles, the pasta from noodles, and the puffs from the doodles. Week 1 is in the books and its looks like the more things change, the more they stay the same. Draft strategies get swapped for prayers to me when its crunch time and Da GAWD still delivers to the faithful. Let’s recap your pathetic excuses at chasing the chip this week and focus on your failures.

Weird In The North 122.20 vs Green eggs and SAM 128.15

From the top of Olympus, Da GAWD couldn't tell if this matchup was close or if both you and Ed are simply trash. Since the reigning champ lost, I came to the conclusion that this was just two shitty teams fighting over a rotisserie rat from a dumpster fire. If you thought Rashad Penny was a viable replacement for Le’Veon Bell, then we’re gonna ban you from showing up to drafts with that bear piss you fermented in a bathtub and poured in your invitro fertilization sperm carrying thermos. I bet you read that with pride instead of shame which proves you’re not even built to repeat for the chip. Get to that waiver wire or start offering a good price to Gordon, cause Bell won’t be back anytime soon and you’ve got no other RB besides him.

Ed, congratulations to you and your Jets on a week 1 win. But how much of a fan are you really? You showed up to the draft coordinating your kicks, socks, shorts, (probably underwear too) and DIDN’T start Isiah Crowell over Derrick Henry. Was your faith so shaky that Chris Carson was going to be an o-line AND RB on the same plays? A win is a win, so I’m not gonna knock it, I just wanna see if you really bleeding green or if you yellow inside.

SuperWack 128.90 vs This Team Iz America 166.45

All week, Hector pumped you up about keeping Melvin Gordon from DA GAWD. Then Devonta came out the game. Then Delanie hit IR. Do you understand why they call me DA GAWD or are you still too tough dumb to realize you can't win with Melvin Gordon on your squad??? You need to slide into Delanie Walker’s DMs RIGHT NOW and explain that its YOUR fault he’s out for the season. When Mike Wallace heard that DA GAWD was collecting helmets, he didn’t even ATTEMPT to catch a pass on Thursday. So how much longer you want this to go on? Chris Hogan is in my sights and I AIN’T GON’ MISS. Kelce and Murray for Gordon by Wednesday or the new Wes Welker gettin’ sacrificed.

Gordon, I don’t know how you let them settle on calling you a song, but I guess you embraced it. You also embraced the new Le’veon Bell into 34 points so I guess my opinion don’t matter. You even managed to grab a TE that scored double digits after ending your DRAFT without a single one. This unorthodox behavior got me wondering what other tricks you got up your sleeve. But I don’t believe you can go the distance. Since Gordon won’t win the chip this year, I advise everyone check out his comedy album so he can make his entry fee back. (available on Itunes and Google Play)

L’Assualted 152.55 vs Saquon my Balls 180.45

This is Da GAWD’s third year in this galaxy and he's discovered why Quis hasn’t won in 10+yrs. Your team names are either shitty or got something to do with players you ain’t got. You could put together a proper roster but if your squad don’t feel comfortable representing with the name on their backs, they ain’t gonna come to play. Actually, your squad came to play. Its just that bad luck cloud hovering over you. You’ll get em next week slugger…..as soon as you stop believing in that “Jamaal Williams workload”. Then again, you could just trade me Jay Ajayi.

Juan, this might be a new year for you. You might have broke the commish curse by breaking bread in your own crib. By establishing Bluetooth enabled, integrated charger recliners and Portugese beers that give GAWDz headaches, you created an environment for winning in your own home. Your family should be proud this week. You even had AP ballin on the bench. I got no disses for you….this week. Enjoy Week 1 cause you’ll inevitably question yourself and sit the wrong person. Nah I got one. This recap is was created to give you a false sense of satisfaction in your squad. Your squad will still be trash in playoffs, but keep hope alive because reality will scare you.

BigBlkPipeSlayr 115.20 vs Mute Dave 143.70

Normally, I’d diss your team name but I don’t even know what to do with it. I don't know if you slay black pipes by making them soft, OR YOU JUST HAVE A TERRIBLE UNRELATED FOOTBALL NAME. Bruh, you can’t be a disciple of the GAWD and show up with the lowest points of the week AND have a wack team name. PICK A STRUGGLE!!! You had the number 1 pick in the draft and started getting cute picking up Oldy Nelson while Randall Cobb just balled out. YOU’RE REDUCED TO STARTING TWO TE’S WHEN WE GOT 400 FLEX SPOTS!! HOW IS YOUR BENCH FULL OF BENCH PLAYERS!?!?! Your squad already look like it can't handle bye weeks!  I’m convinced that 2016 win was a fluke. Between not knowing David Johnson and winning the chip by having Witten throw to Dez, I KNOW you went full retard that season.

First off, Mute Dave should be his team name. Sure, Da GAWD appreciates the 41-33 shoutout, but Mute Dave is better. Mute Dave punches a clock, does his job, goes home, and nobody knows he quietly had a solid day. Like the machine he was, he stuck to the plan and survived a 4 INT day from Matthew Stafford. To my disbelief, that was still better than PipeEater’s Deshaun Watson start. If you keep this up Mute Dave you might get a voice. Until then, keep being Gerald’s imaginary co-worker.

The Blasphemer 119.30 vs Hey Zeus 122.35

How much more will it take? How many more miracles and feats does DA GAWD need to perform in order for you to back down and repent? You’re already starting to lead newbies astray so I had to correct you. In verse 10 chapter 1, DA GAWD said, “Jared Cook will vulture your hopes” and the people said amen. Then in verse 9 chapter 58, Da GAWD said , “Amari Cooper will give you 4 pts. All in the first half. And then you’ll lose. #amen” and the fingers became crossed. DA GAWD is warning you for the final time, if you don’t start respecting the beliefs, you will be doomed for fantasy eternity. Then again, Da GAWD ain’t gotta do much when you starting Cowboy receivers.

As for Jesus, don’t think you did this on your own playa. This week I imbued you with the GAWDLY powers of Zeus himself. Your win was just a by-product of the GAWD effect. I know you sent up the prayer and had your belief, but this was coming for Hector. While suffering through a Matt Ryan start, you managed to turn things around with your studs. WON’T HE/I DO IT!?!?! But I gotta take it back next week when I play you.

FUCK YOU Bell 151. 85 vs DA GAWD 157.10

Shorty was a feisty one this week. After DA GAWD jumped out to an early lead, Shorty stayed quiet – trying to stay off DA GAWD’s radar. He came out swinging with Alvin Kamara and Brees with the fury of 1000 chihuahuas. But it all ended up being noise. The Baldwin and Olsen plagues of 4pm shut it all back down. Shorty even had some hope in em, but not really. Deep down, he knew Da GAWD was real. I’d also be wary about starting starting Kamara every week since he doesn’t even know how to pronounce his own last name.

Tryna keep it peaceful in this league is a struggle for me. It’s a lot of bad things ya’ll been wishin’ on me. Ya’ll try to take my disciple Melvin Gordon from me. Ya’ll challenge DA GAWD’s abilities and bad things just keep happening to ya’ll. At the end of this season I might go down as DA GAWD to everyone. But its all part of my/GAWD’s Plan.

#AMEN

Ultralight Beam (Playoff Preview)

“We don’t want no devil’s in the house Gawd…... We want Da LAWD. Dassssssss it!”

I’m tryna keep my faith. This is DA GAWD’s dream. This is everything. Da GAWD’s team is on an Ultralight beam towards the chip. Now some of you are dead and gone…….but not forgotten. While I ain’t bout to write the obituary on your lame ass seasons, I can show you all the decency of pourin’ a lil liquor.

https://giphy.com/gifs/things-know-true-GJVpbMjfT2Ftm

For the rest of us on Olympus, we’re raging battle. The gates of Valhalla are opened for a select few. More importantly, this the muthafuckin playoffs where every move counts. Where you can either be the hero on Christmas or Tiny Tim. Let’s take a look at the preview.

No One:

Jesus, you’ve dominated the top spot of the league that I’ve allowed you to occupy. Da Gawd is considering writing off your best record and most points as a write-off in his taxes as a charitable donation. Enjoy your bye week. Hug the wife. Let her know you both were stronger than the storm. Let me remind you that your greatest let down is coming. Kareem Hunt is fallin off. Keenan Allen will go down in Week 16. Russell Wilson will pay for defeating Da GAWD’s team. I intend to see you in the finals, so consider setting aside your second place winnings for next year’s entry and ticket to my Hall of Fame ceremony.

Aaron Out My Nelson:

Round of applause for the cow going to slaughter. Quis has managed to sit nicely into 2nd place to claim the other bye week. For the umteenth time, he’s managed to get into the playoffs with a commanding record. This time is different though. Da GAWD has orchestrated his perfect strategy to maneuver his way into playing against Quis when it matters most. Da GAWD has special plans for your demise and as Da Oracle sees the death and destruction that’s laid out before you. Remember, Da GAWD didn’t start this beef - he’s just gonna finish it.

ShutTheBucUp:

The plague dodger has managed to get into the playoffs. Yet Leonidas isn’t destined for greatness. He’s destined for the arrows. DA GAWD King will prevail. After playing reverse psychology on Gerald’s squad (#sacrifices) and trading up out the plagues, he’s in position to take on the wrath of the Beard in the first round. Go out like a man and take this defeat on the chin. At least you got to play fantasy football into Week 14. Next time, don’t challenge Da GAWD and his omnipotence and you’ll get a chance to see Week 15 next year.

Beard in the North:

Clearly Beard has managed to hibernate all season only to awaken when it matters most. To be perfectly honest, he MIGHT even take out Jesus. He’s stored up all the hate. All the dud weeks. All the ice and snow and sleet to the face to emerge as a true contender for Da GAWD’s trophy. The only problem is that Beard doesn’t have a heartbeat. He doesn’t know this recap exists. He doesn’t even know that his squad this year has been plagued from the very start. However, Da GAWD recognizes true talent and salutes his sorry as team.

GanGreen:

Congratulations on limpin’ into the playoffs by a measly 6 pts. After Julio Jones went nuclear, he gave you just enough points to beat out Rudy. FOR THE THIRD TIME NOW, Da GAWD will have to teach remedial Fantasy Football to your squad. At some point, you gotta wonder why Hector even sent you the invite to the league - because it wasn’t for skill. You were simply a charity case that everyone wanted to see defy the logic of good GM skills. Just pat yourself on the head for making it this far - no one else thought you would.

Da 1 n Only GAWD of Fantasy Football….RULER of all GM’s….the Bye Week BattleLord….Mr. 5 Guys n 5 Prayers….etc etc:

This year, Da GAWD has stepped down from the upper Echelon of Olympus to beat your bitch ass team in the flesh. The Ultralight Beam of Success courses through my veins as I write this preview. There’s nothin in my way like Nothin is a security guard. The unprecedented 4X4 is in full effect and I’m prepared to document the journey every step of the way. People will come to know these tales of victory and recaps as the Blueprint. You are all a witness to the greatest mind football has seen since its inception. Thank Da GAWD later for the PRIVILEGE of teaching you all the ways of greatness.

Devil is a Lie (Week 10)

“And the beast was given a mouth uttering haughty and blasphemous words, and it was allowed to exercise authority for forty-two months” - Da Good Book

Lord have mercy on your pitiful Week 10 performances. We had two matchups decided by less than a point on Monday night. Da preached not to set trip on a Sunday or you gon' get played Monday. Maybe you window lickers are too dumb to realize things, but there’s only A FEW MUTHAFUCKIN WEEKS TIL THE PLAYOFFS. The race for the chip is tighter than Ed’s sphincter on Monday night. With 5 teams at 5-5 and Beard hangin’ on by his point total, there’s little room for error. Let’s review how you bitches squandered opportunities for the 50-11th time.

SeeingRed 111.80 vs PlagueDodger 112.25

Ed, please explain to the jury how the fuck you managed to start the wrong players from the same games? Humphries instead of Doug Martin and Hunter Henry instead of Sammy Watkins. Jared Goff been goin’ off and you put your playoff hopes in the hands of the 4th WR that has the BACKUP throwin to him. You gettin’ your research from the tabloids in the checkout lines or somethin? Just when you started actin’ like a real GM, you went full retard on your squad. I hope this loss stays with you even in the offseason.

As guessed, this was the game of the week. Hector, I don’t know how you gettin’ wins the last two weeks. I mean, we know you got some serious help during Gerald’s meltdown and that dumbass trade, but you on borrowed time playa. Lucky for you, you’ll probably make the playoffs. Unlucky for you, you’re gonna hold on to Jordy Nelson like an idiot thinking things will get better in Green Bay. The fall for you is gonna be harder the longer you dodge these plagues.

2015 Pete Carroll 103.90 vs No One 104.10

2 yards my nigga? 2 yards was all that separated you between the playoff bound and mediocrity? Da GAWD can’t be more pleased in this failure. After last year’s hopes in Will Fuller and the “All he does is score touchdowns” you no longer believed in him. The same Will Fuller that could’ve got you the win. The same Will Fuller that you can no longer use because,AS PROPHESIED, dat nigga hurt. I mean damn. Don’t worry though, your punishment is gonna be more severe as you get even closer and miss the playoffs.

Jesus, you were at the wheel the whole time right? The one week when your entire squad was on bye, you managed to get the win. If the rest of the league didn’t know, this was the ONE week he was supposed to go down (besides that loss to Da GAWD he suffered early in the season). This season, you puttin the real Adam Schefter to shame. In the meantime, start bookin’ your flight for NJ around Christmas - its better for you to see Da GAWD in all his glory as he holds the trophy. Destiny for the playoffs is in your hands.

Shit Show 105.50 vs Finally Got A STREAK 168.60

G, good job for having the self respect to diss your own squad. This isn’t an entire meltdown, but Da GAWD don’t understand the panic of last week. Now is the time for fear. Luckily you dodged the trade for Freeman since AP still has SOME hope. But now the schedule gettin colder, the devil on your shoulder, and the weak are gettin bolder. The blessings that have been bestowed on you this season have come to an end. Stay blessed even in the dark days of the playoff race.

Everyone’s feel good story of the season. After crying memes lookin for RBs and not giving a shit about his team, Shorty is finally at that point in the movie when everything’s lookin up. He’s at the point where he escaped from the Demogorgon dogs, and running through the building. But Week 13 is gonna be the point he pauses. He looks at the playoffs and smiles, and then gets MAULED by the Demogorgons as his wife screams in terror that she won’t get that newlywed bag she wanted. ANYWAY, enjoy the win Rudy, you deserve it.

Hangin’ w/Hernandez 137.50 vs Juan 116.40

I honestly don’t know why I still write your recaps. There’s nothing redeeming about your team. No matter how many points you put up, we all know you (Juan) set up this team for a free win against your other team. This matchup was like the kids that would make a super team and play the computer and think “I’m good”. Its just so sad to see such production wasted. You couldn’t even use this point total to play spoiler to someone. Instead, your gonna manage to give Beard a playoff spot or somethin.

Juan, the same above goes for you. How you manage to put up points at the worst time is amusing, but this Juanathan thing is getting outta hand. Next time ya’ll cuddled up near the fire drinking cosmo’s, tell him you’ll give him a handy if he at least posts in the chat.

Lost Lobos 130.05 vs (I don’t know how I feel about this name yet) 138.95

1 player away from a victory and the breath of life for playoff hopes huh? At least you got some company with you in last place since you and the two Juan’s are tied for last. For your dignity sake, don’t come in last. You AT LEAST managed to find the right team in the app to start some decent players. Maybe have a side bet with the other bottom feeders, but make it 2-1 odds since Juan counts as two. Its been a rough year, but at least its almost over and you can put this shit behind you.

Rich, congratulations on beating last place. After Da GAWD brought you back to Earth, you had to get a moral victory to know you won. Its like you just broke up with winning and then had to just smash losing to get your confidence back. But remember, you’re still 1 loss away from being right back out the playoffs and this little victory should be short lived. Why you’re still expecting Austin Hooper to keep producing is beyond me, but Da GAWD don’t interfere with free will. Just promise me you’ll out the playoffs so I don’t have to write your name in for the playoff recaps.

Weird in the North 113.70 vs The Almighty GAWD 119.15

For a team 2nd in points, you all must be wondering how he managed to put up a lowly 113. Let Da GAWD fill you amateurs in on a lil somethin. Beard had no shot against the aura of blessings that surrounds Da GAWD’s squad. Analysts predicted a major revenge game for the Jets and Bucs QBs. Then Da GAWD sent up the holiest of prayers after leaving Thomas Rawls in the lineup. What proceeded next was a Lockett and Kroft meltdown. Beard its been a rough season, but you weren’t prepared for the war wit DA GAWD. Stick to watchin' GoT and a warm snuggie. Its cold outside the playoffs.

Da GAWD gotta admit this wasn’t an easy win. But the way ya’ll been plottin’ on his downfall is more energy for the success. Ya’ll thought 2nd place points was gonna take me out. DA GAWD fucked the league raw when he came in it. You sent your devils to bring me back to mortal levels but it ain't happenin'. You couldn’t stop him if you tried. The competition want Da GAWD dead or alive. Bow ya heads and get ready to pay ya tithes……….CAUSE THE DEVIL IS LIEE!!!!!!

#Amen

Idols Become Rivals (Week 9)

Now I stopped by to tell ya, you got ta make up in yo mind…. you gonna trust in GAWD? or you gonna trust in..the lames. You gonna trust in GAWD? or you gonna trust in….the lame names? You gonna trust in GAWD? Are you gonna make up yo mind, to trust in those GM’s that ONE DAY will perish. So therefore brothers and bitches, you got to make up in yo mind….are you gonna trust DA GAWD? Because you cannot go to WAR against DA GAWD. Chasin’ the chip, brother sometimes, your idols become yo rivals. Let’s get to it.

ANOTHA LOSS 83.80 vs GanGreen 111.65

The bye-week’s did you dirty this week G. I can’t believe you were better off not starting a kicker OR defense. You would have GAINED 7 points between those two positions. I get that we didn’t expect you to win this week, but you gotta play to WIN  come in 3rd. As a faithful disciple, I can only say you’ll be in the money- just not the big money. Stay blessed for the haters.

Ed, don’t be proud to be a bye-week bully. Gerald had no choice but to lose to you. You luckily snaked Chris Ivory for a quick 13 pts. Had Gerald not Plax’d himself, you could’ve been in serious trouble. Either way, I’m happy you turned your sorry excuse for a team into something worth worrying about. If you keep this up, I can grant you a quick death in the playoffs and you’ll be wrapping presents by 4 pm.

SitTheFucDown 77.15 vs 165.10 Beard in the North

Just when I thought you were all out of tricks, you managed to get the lowest point total of the SEASON. Not the week. Not the month. The muthafuckin’ season. Hector, I let you know you were a demi-gawd early on. After taking Da GAWD’s name in vain, you ruined the playoff hopes of EVERYONE attached to Aaron Rodgers. And this week alone, you got people giving up on Mike Evans. Best believe we smell the fear in your trades and smells like the piss runnin down your legs after the beating you took. You can’t trade your way to a better team and you can’t shuffle around the chairs on the deck of the titanic - the shit is still gonna fail. So just like the puppy in this gif, you ain’t big enough to get to the top. Now see your way out a playoff spot.

Beard, I knew you had it in you. After being 3rd in pts but 8th in the league, I knew you’d blow up at just the right time. When Matt Forte got his first TD, DA GAWD sent the blessings for “Anotha One”. By Thursday night, Hector made plans for NEXT Sunday. I bet you've been waiting on this ALL SEASON to show that you could get some wins again. Now I’m not saying you’re making the playoffs, cause you might do some dumb shit. But you’re well on your way - after losing to Da GAWD for the 2nd time, of course.

Lost Lobos 97.05 vs jonathan’s Team 126.55

Can someone tell me where Ian is? After going MIA on his team and the chat and THEN squeaking out a win, he’s on the back of a milk carton again. Had he started Beasely and Williams he had a shot at beating the other dumpster fire in the league. But no. He just HAD to get that lucky win against Da GAWD. Keep playing “will they, won’t they” with Zeke as you just wait til the 2018 season, cause this one’s a wrap.

Jonathan, I don’t know why I bother writing your recaps. You’re not real. You’ve been Juan’s imaginary friend since 3rd grade and no matter how many times he writes your name down (without a capital J) you won’t magically win and become a real boy. I can’t give props to a team that don’t exist. Holla at Da GAWD when Juan cuts your strings pinocchio.

Aaron Out of Collarbones 123.60 vs Rudy 128.05

We know...how could Ertz say he’s not gonna right before a game I’m supposed to win? How can I lose Will Fuller production just as I scream “ALL HE DOES IS GET TD’S”? Da GAWD. That’s the only answer Quis. Da GAWD foretold of having Fuller production for 2 weeks AT BEST. DA GAWD FORETOLD that Jeffrey would blow up against an elite secondary. But don’t trip. Now’s not the time for fear…...that comes later.

SHORTY WIT THE BIG WIN. What I tell you Shorty? You had this in the bag once Da GAWD threw up the prayers for Brees. Real talk, you bout to be the underdog of the league. There’s a old black man waiting to give you the advice of your fantasy life so you can go out and get that 1 playoff win. Da GAWD wants to thank you for doin’ Da LAWD’s work. So go out and celebrate.

Hangin’ w/ jonathan’s TEAM 112.50 vs No One 125.05

Juan, do you really want me to write your recap? You can just re-play the “highlights” of the Giants season and that’ll tell the full story. Da GAWD was listening to sports radio the other day and he couldn’t if they were talkin about the Giants or Juan. “Should the team just scrap this season and think about the future”? “Should the team try to re-sign Odell or go for a whole new look” “Should this team stop suckin’ dick?”....nevermind, there’s the mojo to diss you. Anyway, your spoiler abilities rely on the Giants winning. This season been out your hands since we drafted early.

Jesus, I’d say you dodged some bullets but you really didn’t. Juan don’t have the foresight to start Robert Woods against his shitty Giants and DAMN SURE don’t even know who A.Derby is. Remember, this was the same dude that thought Trevor Dickmilk was a viable QB option at one point. But winnin’s nothin new for you this season right? You’ve got 200 pts the person with 2nd highest points so you should breeze to that bye week. Just remember these days when DA GAWD sees you.

Da Dick 121.65 vs DA GAWD 132.55

Rich’s squad was a 14 pts favorite going into the week. Yahoo AND Rich thought Da GAWD was a fake and not destined for this magnificent victory. More than that, I’ve never seen a worse plague than Jared Goff on the bench while Da GAWD skates to another victory. The real fake news this week is how you're gonna make it back into a playoff spot.

This is a public service announcement for all you non-believers that think DA GAWD ain’t winnin’ the chip. The eclipse foretold of the glorious day that DA GAWD will rise above and be adorned with the chip. There will be nothing to stop it. Not a single one of you will be able to prevent the meltdowns that your team experiences when facing DA GAWD.

#Amen