Welcome back to the tournament that separates the pit-bulls
from the poodles, the pasta from noodles, and the puffs from the doodles. Week
1 is in the books and its looks like the more things change, the more they stay
the same. Draft strategies get swapped for prayers to me when its crunch time
and Da GAWD still delivers to the faithful. Let’s recap your pathetic excuses
at chasing the chip this week and focus on your failures.
Weird In The North 122.20 vs Green eggs and SAM 128.15
From the top of Olympus, Da GAWD couldn't tell if this matchup was close or if both you and Ed
are simply trash. Since the reigning champ lost, I came to the conclusion that this was just
two shitty teams fighting over a rotisserie rat from a dumpster fire. If you
thought Rashad Penny was a viable replacement for Le’Veon Bell, then we’re
gonna ban you from showing up to drafts with that bear piss you fermented in a
bathtub and poured in your invitro fertilization sperm carrying thermos. I bet
you read that with pride instead of shame which proves you’re not even built to
repeat for the chip. Get to that waiver wire or start offering a good price to
Gordon, cause Bell won’t be back anytime soon and you’ve got no other RB
besides him.
Ed, congratulations to you and your Jets on a week 1 win.
But how much of a fan are you really? You showed up to the draft coordinating
your kicks, socks, shorts, (probably underwear too) and DIDN’T start Isiah
Crowell over Derrick Henry. Was your faith so shaky that Chris Carson was going
to be an o-line AND RB on the same plays? A win is a win, so I’m not gonna
knock it, I just wanna see if you really bleeding green or if you yellow
inside.
SuperWack 128.90 vs This Team Iz America 166.45
All week, Hector pumped you up about keeping Melvin Gordon
from DA GAWD. Then Devonta came out the game. Then Delanie hit IR. Do
you understand why they call me DA GAWD or are you still too tough dumb to realize you can't win with Melvin Gordon on your squad??? You need to slide into Delanie
Walker’s DMs RIGHT NOW and explain that its YOUR fault he’s out for the season.
When Mike Wallace heard that DA GAWD was collecting helmets, he didn’t even
ATTEMPT to catch a pass on Thursday. So how much longer you want this to go on?
Chris Hogan is in my sights and I AIN’T GON’ MISS. Kelce and Murray for Gordon
by Wednesday or the new Wes Welker gettin’ sacrificed.
Gordon, I don’t know how you let them settle on calling you a song,
but I guess you embraced it. You also embraced the new Le’veon Bell into 34
points so I guess my opinion don’t matter. You even managed to grab a TE that
scored double digits after ending your DRAFT without a single one. This
unorthodox behavior got me wondering what other tricks you got up your sleeve.
But I don’t believe you can go the distance. Since Gordon won’t win the chip
this year, I advise everyone check out his comedy album so he can make his
entry fee back. (available on Itunes and Google Play)
L’Assualted 152.55 vs Saquon my Balls 180.45
This is Da GAWD’s third year in this galaxy and he's discovered why Quis hasn’t won in 10+yrs. Your team names are either shitty or got
something to do with players you ain’t got. You could put together a proper
roster but if your squad don’t feel comfortable representing with the name on
their backs, they ain’t gonna come to play. Actually, your squad came to play.
Its just that bad luck cloud hovering over you. You’ll get em next week
slugger…..as soon as you stop believing in that “Jamaal Williams workload”.
Then again, you could just trade me Jay Ajayi.
Juan, this might be a new year for you. You might have broke
the commish curse by breaking bread in your own crib. By establishing Bluetooth
enabled, integrated charger recliners and Portugese beers that give GAWDz
headaches, you created an environment for winning in your own home. Your family
should be proud this week. You even had AP ballin on the bench. I got no disses
for you….this week. Enjoy Week 1 cause you’ll inevitably question yourself and
sit the wrong person. Nah I got one. This recap is was created to give you a
false sense of satisfaction in your squad. Your squad will still be trash in playoffs,
but keep hope alive because reality will scare you.
BigBlkPipeSlayr 115.20 vs Mute Dave 143.70
Normally, I’d diss your team name but I don’t even know what
to do with it. I don't know if you slay black pipes by making them soft, OR YOU JUST
HAVE A TERRIBLE UNRELATED FOOTBALL NAME. Bruh, you can’t be a disciple of the
GAWD and show up with the lowest points of the week AND have a wack team name. PICK
A STRUGGLE!!! You had the number 1 pick in the draft and started getting cute
picking up Oldy Nelson while Randall Cobb just balled out. YOU’RE REDUCED TO
STARTING TWO TE’S WHEN WE GOT 400 FLEX SPOTS!! HOW IS YOUR BENCH FULL OF BENCH
PLAYERS!?!?! Your squad already look like it can't handle bye weeks! I’m convinced that 2016 win was a fluke. Between not knowing
David Johnson and winning the chip by having Witten throw to Dez, I KNOW you
went full retard that season.
First off, Mute Dave should be his team name. Sure, Da GAWD
appreciates the 41-33 shoutout, but Mute Dave is better. Mute Dave punches a
clock, does his job, goes home, and nobody knows he quietly had a solid day.
Like the machine he was, he stuck to the plan and survived a 4 INT day from
Matthew Stafford. To my disbelief, that was still better than PipeEater’s
Deshaun Watson start. If you keep this up Mute Dave you might get a voice.
Until then, keep being Gerald’s imaginary co-worker.
The Blasphemer 119.30 vs Hey Zeus 122.35
How much more will it take? How many more miracles and feats
does DA GAWD need to perform in order for you to back down and repent? You’re
already starting to lead newbies astray so I had to correct you. In verse 10
chapter 1, DA GAWD said, “Jared Cook will vulture your hopes” and the people
said amen. Then in verse 9 chapter 58, Da GAWD said , “Amari Cooper will give
you 4 pts. All in the first half. And then you’ll lose. #amen” and the fingers
became crossed. DA GAWD is warning you for the final time, if you don’t start
respecting the beliefs, you will be doomed for fantasy eternity. Then again, Da
GAWD ain’t gotta do much when you starting Cowboy receivers.
As for Jesus, don’t think you did this on your own playa.
This week I imbued you with the GAWDLY powers of Zeus himself. Your win was
just a by-product of the GAWD effect. I know you sent up the prayer and had
your belief, but this was coming for Hector. While suffering through a Matt
Ryan start, you managed to turn things around with your studs. WON’T HE/I DO
IT!?!?! But I gotta take it back next week when I play you.
FUCK YOU Bell 151. 85 vs DA GAWD 157.10
Shorty was a feisty one this week. After DA GAWD jumped out
to an early lead, Shorty stayed quiet – trying to stay off DA GAWD’s radar. He
came out swinging with Alvin Kamara and Brees with the fury of 1000 chihuahuas.
But it all ended up being noise. The Baldwin and Olsen plagues of 4pm shut it
all back down. Shorty even had some hope in em, but not really. Deep down, he
knew Da GAWD was real. I’d also be wary about starting starting Kamara every
week since he doesn’t even know how to pronounce his own last name.
Tryna keep it peaceful in this league is a struggle for me. It’s
a lot of bad things ya’ll been wishin’ on me. Ya’ll try to take my disciple
Melvin Gordon from me. Ya’ll challenge DA GAWD’s abilities and bad things just
keep happening to ya’ll. At the end of this season I might go down as DA GAWD
to everyone. But its all part of my/GAWD’s Plan.
#AMEN
Gold
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