1942 Flows (Week 2)

Week 2 came in like a hurricane. Up was down. Pineapples were on pizza. Players retired midway through games. Pure madness. Let’s see how you all fared in this Game of Throws……(duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh)

This Team Tried Hard 151.55 vs Destroyer of Gawds? 162.20

Da GAWD is disappointed in you Gordon. DA GAWD tried to bestow the heavenly blessing of an Agholor for Morris trade and you sat on it. Your false sense of success had you Ju-Ju’ing on that beat too early. I bet you thought the win was in the bag after witnessing the alleyway trade rape that Trav was about to experience. But this league got more than RBs and WRs. There’s Kickers and Defenses too, both of which let America down. Take a knee this week. You fought hard, but sometimes your own namesake can take you out.  

Quis managed a respectable win through Kenosha, Wisconsin’s very own Melvin Gordon III. And FUCK giving Quis a recap because he’s doomed while keeping Melvin on his squad. More about Melvin….

Melvin was a two-sport star athlete, succeeding in both football and track. As a junior, he racked up 1,098 rushing yards and 16 touchdowns, which earned Melvin honorable mention All-state and All-region honors by the Wisconsin Football Coaches Association (WFCA). As a senior, Melvin broke out for 2,009 yards and 38 touchdowns, which earned him first-team All-state honor by the Associated Press and the WFCA. He was also named the Wisconsin Gatorade Football Player of the Year. As a recruit, Melvin was regarded as a four-star recruit by Rivals.com, and was ranked the No. 24 running back in the entire nation. ESPN.com also ranked Melvin as the top player in Wisconsin. Following his senior season, he chose to accept a scholarship offer from Wisconsin over Iowa, Michigan and Louisville.

Saquon This L 141.75 vs BigBlkPipeslayr 173.80

Juan, please explain to the league how you let Dion Lewis stay in your lineup. There was nothing you could do about this loss. Da GAWD had a hard time finding stupidity in your lineup but there was literally nothing you could do. Even if you started any of your RBs over the Mariota-less, offensive lineman-less, Titans RB, you still had to suck on that L like a lollipop. AB was like a firework dud and Joe Mixon barely played. All you can do now is move forward with trying to trade for better RBs because Joe Mixon can’t carry you through the sand.

Now Gerald, do you think its just a coincidence that your squad was resurrected from the depths of fantasy hell? You even managed to have bum ass Chris Ivory score a TD on your bench. Everyone showed up the week you needed it the most. Coincidence? First there was two sets of footprints in the sand. Then there was one set of footprints in the sand. When times get hard and shit hits the fan, GAWD didn’t walk with you he carried you man.

Stay Off the Crack 105.50 vs Green eggs and SAM 115.90

In ancient Greece, Sisyphus was a prideful King with the 7^th pick in his Kingdom. His punishment for disobeying Da GAWD was to roll a boulder up the top of hill only for it to roll back to the bottom as it nears the top. That punishment is a lesson in futile efforts. This second week should’ve taught Trav that no matter what choices were made, he was doomed to lose for keeping Melvin from DA GAWD. Like Moses told Ramses, it was only gonna get worse.  Now he’s out here selling himself on the corner for WR3’s and RB3/Flex’s. He even left pts on the bench that could’ve saved his Sunday. Now that you’ve passed the curse to Quis, I will only doom you with an 11^th seed finish.

After starting the week down 1 pt (with his opponent yet to play ANYONE), the Green Dream clawed his way to a pathetic win. Still not knowing which Jet to start (which makes no sense when you know what type of team you have), he managed a victory, which isn’t easy in this league unless you’re DA Gawd or play Trav. Thank the strength of your schedule or simple Gawd/me for allowing such a pitiful win to hit the record books. You're in 2nd place with two kickers on your roster, you on borrowed time. Mark my words, you will know my name is DA GAWD when I strike vengeance upon thee for the playoff exit of 2017.

ShuTheBucUp 169.80 vs Braille 123.75

Mute Dave managed to shit the bed in a way I haven’t seen in a while. Knowing that his opponent is in love with Fitzmagic, it would only be fitting to start Godwin over Kenny “the Jet” Stills. (Is that his nickname? It is now). Then Gronk managed to crumble into a symbol that came to be known as “The Blocker formerly known as Gronk”. Meanwhile, bench points kept racking up while pedestrian Lamar Miller checked in with a +50 yds no td performance. I could go on, but we know he doesn’t know this blog even exists.

Hector, I respect the way you dodged this week’s plagues. Sitting Rodgers, having Big Ben ready to fire up and then leaving Fournette in, you really had something to prove this week after DA GAWD shutdown your win last week. Maybe that Fitzmagic is rubbing off on you. Or maybe I want to see you get close to a playoff berth in Week 13 only to be let down with a colossal Gawd Plague. Congrats on your win and we’ll see if you know when/where to start Amari Cooper in the future.

For Whom the Bell Tolls 112.65 vs Beard in the North 127.10

Shorty….WTF is going on with your squad. You now have 2, dos, 1+1, WRs that don’t even have contracts in the NFL. THEY HAVE NO POTENTIAL TO EARN YOU POINTS! The other WRs you do have are former color commentator Brandon Marshall, 85% (is it 65% now?) Doug Baldwin, Michael “3rd Option” Crabtree and Quincy Enunwa. If the alarm ain’t go off yet, you need to quit hittin snooze. I didn’t set a plague to you and your Kicker out here getting hurt during WARM UPS!!! Wait.....you DID cross Da GAWD. By introducing this "pick your pick" non-sense, Travis had no clue what to do with his ferrari of an 8th pick and now we're here. This is on you.

Beard, this is the second week you’ve failed to reach 130 pts. It seems you and Josh Gordon are in the same “can’t get right” crew. It hasn’t alarmed you yet that after AJ Green you have no blockbuster players? It doesn’t seem just a bit unsettling that you’re starting players that have absolutely no value? Maybe you came to realization early on that a repeat isn’t in your future. That doesn’t mean you don’t try. Sure, you’re 2^nd overall pick probably won’t be back til Week 10 and Larry Fitzgerald will probably quit during Week 3’s halftime. But that don’t mean you quit!

Everybody is Somebody 129.90 vs G.A.W.D. AKA THE BEING, AKA A$AP TOUCHDOWNS 206.30

I’m not even gonna insult you this week Jesus. You didn’t deserve the mighty hurricane that was Da GAWD’s team. You ain’t deserve to watch helplessly as TD after TD rained from the heavens of Mahomes mighty arm. You shouldn’t have to deal with the fleeting hope that Stephon Diggs would put up 50 pts and the rest of the DA GAWDs team would commit 10 fumbles in a single game. You shouldn’t have to pray that the Almighty would stop allowing a KICKER to put up more points than most of the players on Trav’s team. NO ONE, deserves that type of beating.

YOU ARE ALL A WITNESS TO THE AWESOME POWERS OF DA GAWD OF FANTASY FOOTBALL. First DA GAWD tries to offer each of your wretched teams the 10+ targets a week Nelson Agholor. Then, in a galaxy far away, calls for the Ajayi TD that puts him over the top AS ITS HAPPENING AND HE’S NOT EVEN NEAR A TV. You are all witnessing Negrodamus at his finest hour. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE? Da GAWD on some shit that they ain't seen before, dream chasin' and catchin' all his goals.

#Amen