“We don’t want no devil’s in the house Gawd…... We want Da LAWD. Dassssssss it!”
I’m tryna keep my faith. This is DA GAWD’s dream. This is everything. Da GAWD’s team is on an Ultralight beam towards the chip. Now some of you are dead and gone…….but not forgotten. While I ain’t bout to write the obituary on your lame ass seasons, I can show you all the decency of pourin’ a lil liquor.
For the rest of us on Olympus, we’re raging battle. The gates of Valhalla are opened for a select few. More importantly, this the muthafuckin playoffs where every move counts. Where you can either be the hero on Christmas or Tiny Tim. Let’s take a look at the preview.
No One:
Jesus, you’ve dominated the top spot of the league that I’ve allowed you to occupy. Da Gawd is considering writing off your best record and most points as a write-off in his taxes as a charitable donation. Enjoy your bye week. Hug the wife. Let her know you both were stronger than the storm. Let me remind you that your greatest let down is coming. Kareem Hunt is fallin off. Keenan Allen will go down in Week 16. Russell Wilson will pay for defeating Da GAWD’s team. I intend to see you in the finals, so consider setting aside your second place winnings for next year’s entry and ticket to my Hall of Fame ceremony.
Aaron Out My Nelson:
Round of applause for the cow going to slaughter. Quis has managed to sit nicely into 2nd place to claim the other bye week. For the umteenth time, he’s managed to get into the playoffs with a commanding record. This time is different though. Da GAWD has orchestrated his perfect strategy to maneuver his way into playing against Quis when it matters most. Da GAWD has special plans for your demise and as Da Oracle sees the death and destruction that’s laid out before you. Remember, Da GAWD didn’t start this beef - he’s just gonna finish it.
ShutTheBucUp:
The plague dodger has managed to get into the playoffs. Yet Leonidas isn’t destined for greatness. He’s destined for the arrows. DA GAWD King will prevail. After playing reverse psychology on Gerald’s squad (#sacrifices) and trading up out the plagues, he’s in position to take on the wrath of the Beard in the first round. Go out like a man and take this defeat on the chin. At least you got to play fantasy football into Week 14. Next time, don’t challenge Da GAWD and his omnipotence and you’ll get a chance to see Week 15 next year.
Beard in the North:
Clearly Beard has managed to hibernate all season only to awaken when it matters most. To be perfectly honest, he MIGHT even take out Jesus. He’s stored up all the hate. All the dud weeks. All the ice and snow and sleet to the face to emerge as a true contender for Da GAWD’s trophy. The only problem is that Beard doesn’t have a heartbeat. He doesn’t know this recap exists. He doesn’t even know that his squad this year has been plagued from the very start. However, Da GAWD recognizes true talent and salutes his sorry as team.
GanGreen:
Congratulations on limpin’ into the playoffs by a measly 6 pts. After Julio Jones went nuclear, he gave you just enough points to beat out Rudy. FOR THE THIRD TIME NOW, Da GAWD will have to teach remedial Fantasy Football to your squad. At some point, you gotta wonder why Hector even sent you the invite to the league - because it wasn’t for skill. You were simply a charity case that everyone wanted to see defy the logic of good GM skills. Just pat yourself on the head for making it this far - no one else thought you would.
Da 1 n Only GAWD of Fantasy Football….RULER of all GM’s….the Bye Week BattleLord….Mr. 5 Guys n 5 Prayers….etc etc:
This year, Da GAWD has stepped down from the upper Echelon of Olympus to beat your bitch ass team in the flesh. The Ultralight Beam of Success courses through my veins as I write this preview. There’s nothin in my way like Nothin is a security guard. The unprecedented 4X4 is in full effect and I’m prepared to document the journey every step of the way. People will come to know these tales of victory and recaps as the Blueprint. You are all a witness to the greatest mind football has seen since its inception. Thank Da GAWD later for the PRIVILEGE of teaching you all the ways of greatness.
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