Joel STFU (Week 3)

 

Week 3 of Fantasy Football continued the theme of injuries and disappointments. The top 5 picks of fantasy delivered the value as expected while the rest have been injured or outright busts. We even saw outcomes from trades in real time. You could say that Da GAWD himself is back at the helm of dishing out plagues like its Thanksgiving. Its been so long since these powers manifested. Yall tried to kill me on draft day but Week 3 resurrected me. Lets recap the performances and how my omnipotence was involved in every single outcome.

Red Roof Inn 109.25 vs Chasing Flowers 139.40

On Sunday, there was a clip of Drake Maye crying on the sideline. I think the coach tried to remind him that it could be worse - he could be Gordon. Da GAWD hope's there's someone in your life to talk to you like that. Upon further review of your team, the problem wasn't trading with Quis. It was believing in too many Patriots. You correctly saw Drake Maye was the problem and started Purdy. But then you brain farted and started Henderson AND Hunter Henry. At some point, you should relegate yourself to the thought you're a journeyman fantasy football backup GM. Its getting hard to beat the allegations.

First win of the season for the reigning champ. It would've been real bad if you couldn't win against Gordon but a win is a win. And that win came despite losing Ache-chan and Goedart. Da GAWD has realized that your wins in this league all started with that fateful Kelce trade in 2019. Now that I'm on the other side of a similar pre-week 1 trade, the universe is setting itself back in order. Your time is over. It was a good run. Take the wins and let me beat up on Eddie in the semi's now. 

My Njigba Hurts 118.95 vs Team DQ 169.00

After running hot with as many TEs as RBs on your roster, you were sent back to reality. JSN won't be able to keep this entire team afloat week after week. At some point Herbert has to get the ball to McConkey and that's a tall task. Relying on an RB behind a swiss-cheese o-line won't do it either. Its not all your fault though. DA GAWD needed to sacrifice the whole Eagle squad to get the win Monday night. Can't have Hurts performing well and getting Saquon close to the goal line. You've been flying too close to the sun with your newfound confidence though. Don't forget those Last Chance U beginnings. 

Congrats on highest points of the week. It must feel good to have a QB that can still put up almost 20 points despite turning the ball over 3 times. But the real star of this show was Bijan Robinson. With a decent QB, things should look good to face me in the chip. As long as Puka is on the outs and Kittle stays healthy, you should steadily be putting up over 150 a week. I'd think of more to say but you're not reading this. 

The Syndicate 135.90 vs U Can't CMC Me 166.60

This week you had the exact same points as Da GAWD but had a worse matchup. In an alternate universe, you'd have a win. But instead, you watched helplessly as Penix peppered London with targets while Kyle Pitts was running decoy cardio. JT had a tough game against a good defense. Then (another) Mike Evans injury showed up at the wrong time. Its not all bad though. You still got Ceedee Lamb and a kicker that can score more than most of Gordon's roster. Dust off the loss and get yourself back to .500.

Thursday started off hot for you with Drake London finally having a competent QB. Hopefully you continue to keep CMC healthy and Fannin continues being a waiver steal. Jadarian Price might be iffy but you might have enough on the bench to get the job done. Da Gawd would also like to thank Lamar Jackson for not vulturing Derrick Henry TDs. He's a real one. Oh and don't forget to drop MHJ. Gordon still needs him. 

Team Next to Gordon 123.90 vs StatueOfGibbserty 134.45

Experience the epitome of having bad luck at Team 7 Heaven, where the roster is littered with injuries. Here, every week offers the opportunity to lose a player when you need them the most. Exquisite performances are only matched by RB3's that average 10 touches a game and bench players exude potential. With the stench of a unfortunate mishaps and captivating start-em sit-ems, every week is a toast to fantasy football's funniest moments. 

Starting off the season in typical Eddie fashion, your team is doing great. You're 3-0. Gibbs is delivering exactly the type of value you wanted. You picked up the Caleb Williams pieces and got Sam Darnold to deliver great value. You even got your win Monday night with a solid performance from Devonta Smith. But outside of that, this team looks destined to fall apart by the semi-finals. Having two Giants players and a hurt Coker won't do it. Congrats on the win though. 

Amon-Ramen Who? 133.55 vs Ja'marrageddon 144.85

This week showed you why JSN was the unanimous pick you should've taken. Especially in a week where you would've won had you picked him. After doubting Da GAWD's trade, you were plagued with keeping Odunze instead of Burden (who put up the points that could've won you this week too). The only thing left to complete the plague is to watch K9 drop when you need him most. But that won't be for a while as long as the Chiefs keep running hot. You're still destined for the playoffs so don't take this first loss too hard. Maybe we can make a deal to correct things. 

The week was looking bleak for you Juan. When you picked up Jonah Coleman, it reminded me of those vids of dudes crashing out because they flew a IG girl out and then she didn't want to do anything once she showed up. Jonah Coleman going on IR after blowing that bag had to hurt. But things looked up. You still had Shough put up points and JK Dobbins still played. Jamar Chase still played as expected and Kyren didn't get any Corum vultures. Congrats on getting the win with the odds stacked against you. 

Queen Quon 113.90 vs DA GAWD Al Gaib 135.90

This week you got caught in DA GAWD's Nor'Easter of Plagues. The trade you declined would've won you the week. Justin Jefferson goes down in the first QTR right after I picked up Juan Jennings that morning. Then Mahomes stopped passing. And just when you think Saquon, Swift, and Wicks can save the day, you watch Luther Burden get pushed in for a TD while Swift repeatedly gets stuffed. When the Eagles get to the goal line, you watch Andy Dalton throw a pick. Your silence Monday Night was deafening. I know you were punching air at every opportunity that Wicks dropped the ball or a play got called back. You been owed a loss like this for quite a few of our matchups. At least your Steelers won. 

Pulled up Week 3, beep-beep baby. Came back with a Bowers TD baby. Thought Josh Allen vultured Cook's TDs, baby. 2 TDs for Derrick Henry, baby. 

Burden came alive, someone come dig me up. If you drop a good player, I'll pick em up. You boys got big off Da GAWD, that's big enough. We know the reigning champ ain't repeating, the jig is up. They say you had the better TE, well mine just went nuts while you watch in HD. They say that karma could take an eternity, but Joel's dropped in Week 3. Ya'll gon get yours while I'm doin me. Ya'll gon get yours while I'm doin me. 

Aye Joel, STFU!!

#Amen

Don't Worry (Week 2)

 

Week 2 of the NFL season is officially Week 4 of the preseason. All injuries are on the table and teams are still working out kinks. An unprecedented 6 teams couldn't score over 110 points. Its one thing when just Gordon struggles. But when half the league fell victim to the injury bug, you know there's something up. At the very least, we can all take a knee on shit talkin because half of us are in the same boat. Name of the game this Week was health. Let's see who remained healthy and who had season tickets to the medical tent.

Chasing Your First Win 96.45 vs Team DQ 157.90

Nothing worse than watching players go off on your bench while the starters either get hurt or put up a dud. Da GAWD snickered because that Kelce trade from 2019 set your championship runs in motion and Kelce proceeded to ball on the bench. But then I saw Bryce balled out too. Stevenson couldn't do better than 3 points in a game where the Patriots D stifled the Steelers? To top it all off, you couldn't use the newly acquired Zay Flowers. I think the league was having a prayer circle after that trade just so you wouldn't benefit. Its just week 2 for the champ though right? You've been here before. Don't worry. 

At this point, you should just change your logo to Josh Allen's picture. He was your whole team going into Monday night's game. Adams and Allen accounting for half your points has to feel good and worrisome at the same time. I think you have enough balance that the days that Joshy doesn't bail you out, the rest of your team will come to play. Congrats on your first win of the season. 

This Team Is Hammered 100.95 vs StatueofGibbserty 118.20

If there was a week that you were going to get lucky and win, it was supposed to be this one. With so many underperformances/injuries, I thought you had a legit shot. You had viable players. But then Jayden Daniels went down and Terry dropped a would-be bomb TD. Probably enough points to get you the win if we're being honest. I'm stunned you didn't start Henderson when he was healthy. Especially over Quentin Johnston. Especially since the Chargers are BEYOND trash through 8 quarters of football. At least you got one thing right and got Purdy. At this rate, you'll have a fully functioning fantasy team by Week 8.

 

There was a recap from years ago where I talked about you painting your toe nails Jet green while watching the game. Fast forward to now and you have a QB with painted nails that shed crocodile tears because he didn't stretch his hamstrings. Despite him failing in bad weather and you starting the wrong TE (against your own coveted Jets no less) you managed to squeak out a win. Not a hard task when facing Gordon but definitely difficult considering the minefield of injuries out there. Congrats. 

Team GPT 100.50 vs Amon-Ramen Noodles 169.85

By Monday night, it must've felt good to just let Puka ride. Didn't matter if he played or not because even if he had Devante Adams' game, you still would've lost. The rougher part is losing Jayden 'Twigs" Daniels. We've yet to see if Jordan Love can get it done and QBs are dropping like flies so far. Injuries happen though. So as soon as Nico and Puka are healthy, you should be in fighting shape again. Just ask ChatGPT if you should start Boston or Addison in Week 3. Don't think too hard. 

Highest points of the week. 2-0 with a Goff/Sun-God must have you feeling mighty fine. While the rest of us struggle with injuries, your top 3 players seem to be able to get you a win each week. We even saw a rare Diggs sighting for the TD. Between you and me, you might want to start Carnell Tate Week 3. You're on a roll and it would be the best switch for Diggs without Daniels. Keep riding high on the wins, they're a rare commodity these days.

 

King Wrong 102.80 vs U Can't CMC Me 105.25

Damn Joel. You almost won this one on Sunday night. First DJ Moore went down with an injury and somehow managed to score negative points.  Then Saquon went on a milk carton for the first half of his game and let Tank Bigsby take his TD. When all hope was lost, Mahomes and company managed to make their game go into OT while you climbed from the depths to get close to a win. But then they fell just short of a TD in OT that would've got you a win. Ya win some you lost some. The good thing is that Herbert is gonna make great waiver space for you to pick up someone now that he's certified caca. 

When you saw DJ Moore go down, I'm sure you felt pretty good for Sunday. But then you watched 4 quarters go by wondering what Marvin Harrison Jr was suited up for. Was he a decoy? Was he even blocking? Then Price popped up with an injury and Drake London was caught being frustrated (rightfully so) on camera. Did you stay up all Sunday night waiting to see the outcome of that OT game with Mahomes breathing down your neck? Either way, a win is a win even if its close. Just drop MHJ for now so Gordon can pick him up. 

Ja'Marrageddon 107.90 vs The Syndicate 153.85

Sunday started off hot with Ja'Marr Chase getting two TDs and one of the best top taps of the weekend. But then the injury bug got let loose. We all knew it was a matter of time, but we thought you had at LEAST until Week 4 with Dobbins. Loveland had a slight improvement from last week with one catch for 3 yards and then got bull rushed on the last play like he was a practice dummy. Maybe Week 3 he'll have 2 catches for 10 yards. At least Aubrey showed up with almost 17 points. You're gonna need everything you got next week though when you face off against SunGod, Goff, K9 and Waddle. Maybe Ferguson and Pickens go off :shrug:

Now I see the insistence on getting this recap. After coming up short last week, you came through in Week 2 with the second highest point total of the week. To top it all off, no one got hurt. The Dak/Lamb stack paid off big and Kyle Pitts finally registered some points. Considering all the injuries out there, you might have some good trade bait with Bo Nix sitting on your bench. Lord knows a bunch of teams need em. Congrats on the win and getting out of the win-less category. 

My Njigba 142.60 vs Da Gawd Al Gaib 83.75

Going into Sunday, I knew I was toast. Cook's TD kept getting vultured and I knew I needed all of em if I was to stand a chance against JSN. Before every throw in the red zone, I just said "I bet its another JSN TD". I finished all the laundry at 8pm and just waited for week to be done. Despite all of this, its not an excuse. You put together a great week for the players and of course, barely anyone was hurt. Keep proving the haters wrong and that all you need in order to draft is complete solitude and silence. Good win. 

Da GAWD isn't worried though. I'm now treating this season like a snake in the grass. I'll wait for everyone to get healthy and go on a historic run of domination. Until then, have fun picking up the waiver guys you want. Don't worry, Da Gawd will still be on top. 

#Amen

Make Them Cry (Week 1)

 

After what feels like an eternity, Da GAWD is BACK to deliver the oft requested (seldom executed) weekly recaps of the best fantasy football league on the planet. We didn't have any new rules implemented but the stakes are higher for the payouts and the coveted trophy. Week 1 had two teams start TE's with goose eggs and two teams go for over 170 points. Let's recap how all those hours of mock drafts, trash talk, and start-em/sit-ems played out for Week 1. 

Ted Ammon 86.80 vs Amon-Ramen Noodles 154.30 

In 2001, Wall Street financier Ted Ammon was brutally murdered inside his East Hampton mansion. In 2026, Gordon was brutally murdered in Week 1 after selecting Omarion Hampton with his first pick. The week started with a litany of Drake Maye underthrows, picks, and low balls that sent AJ Brown to IR. Just when things started to look up with a 30 pt 1st HALF effort from Zay Flowers, he popped up with a hammy that'll probably linger for weeks. I know you're telling yourself "its just week 1" but to turn this around you need: Kyren Williams to return punts, KW3 to get hurt, Mondre to get hurt, Henderson to get healthy, AJ Brown to go back to the Eagles, Drake Maye to get lasik, David Montgomery to get hurt, and a prayer at tight end. Next year, just think about buying 300 dollars in lottery tickets. Better chance of getting a return. The bleach is in aisle 4 if you want to end it all.

Taking the safe road in round 1 with Sun God looks like it panned out Jesus. You could've ended up Chase'ing a rough week 1. A lot of people were concerned with taking KW3 but that Monday night performance for 42 points gave you enough to have a respectable score. Hopefully the threat of him staying healthy all season won't keep you up most nights. For now, be thankful for late production from ETN and Juwon Johnson. It could've been worse - you could've lost to Gordon. Good win on the week. Oh and I accept your apology for thinking DA GAWD got fleeced. Everyone just seemed to skip that. 

The Pitts 114.25 vs King Quon 150.35

How long were you refreshing the Yahoo app and checking Twitter 'X' to see if Pitts was hurt or playing? Welcome to the pain my guy. Especially with Strange on the bench putting up a solid 10 points from the TE wasteland. I think that was the theme the whole Sunday while looking at the roster. You watched the Giants pull of a strong win while Dak and Ceedee combined for 30 points. Hopefully after that terrible Nix performance, you won't have to wrack your brain on which QB to start each week. Better days are ahead but you're gonna need help. 

Looking like a great start to the season for Joel. We callin you Joel now instead of Shorty right? Someone let me know. Anyway, JJ, DJ Moore, and Trey McBride really did the heavy lifting on a week where Justin Herbert shit the bed worse than the Hyrox race lady. The week coulda been really different had you accepted that trade on draft day but the chips fall where they do. But you can't outrun DA GAWD forever. By Week 6 I'll be here when you get tired of Saquon while Jacobs is running up the charts. Holla at ya boy when it happens. 

Ja'Maybegetsomepoints 126.50 vs Team 7 Heaven 141.60

On draft day, I know you wanted to go for your coveted Burrow/Chase stack. When Ja'Marr was there because of nervous Jesus, I bet you felt you won the lottery. Then Ja'Marr put up Quentin Johnson numbers. Then Loveland went missing. In a game where the Bears put up 59 points, it had to be unthinkable. Especially after watching Kmet get that TD. Woof. To top it all off, your prized kicker put up 1 point. The one that would get you "20 a game". At least the Giants won without Jaxon Dart living in the blue tent and Skattebo keeping both legs. There's always next week. Oh and don't think I didn't see that glazing for "Gooeeddaart" in my matchup against me. I see where your allegiance lies. 

Good to see you on the right side of the standings for a change. We're not sure if you do research before draft day but here you are. Everyone performed good enough to get the win and there weren't any big worries for future performance other than Addison. You got this win with points to spare on the bench too. But a start em/sit em will fix all that. I hope you were texting Juan every time the Bengals kicker scored points while Ja'Marr had only 4 targets. You siphoned all those points away from Aubrey and Chase knowing Juan was punching air. Congrats on the win. 

U Can't Draft Drake London 123.10 vs My Njigba 178.45

Lots of underperformances here in Week 1 Adam. CMC doesn't look like he's going to get the workload he had before. Marvin Harrison JR still running cardio. Browns still don't know what to do at QB to get Fannin the ball. AND DRAKE LONDON STILL DOESN'T HAVE A QB TO THROW TO HIM. I drafted that guy one time and knew the problem yet he's been going in first and second rounds 3 years in a row. He's an expensive Christian Watson. By the time he gets going he'll get hurt. But I don't blame you on that. I blame the market. At least Jadarian Price looked good and Olave ended the game knowing his name. Maybe things get better next week. Maybe. Didn't help you ran into the highest scoring team on the week.

During the draft, we were about to call 911 after you drafted 3 tight ends. Funny thing is that all 3 of them scored more points some other teams' starting ones. And despite such questionable drafting, you started Week 1 with the highest point total. Time will tell if you can keep this up but your first 4 players seem solid enough to keep you on the right side of the standings. With McConkey and Pierce beat up, you'll probably need to start those other TEs in the flex anyway. Great win on a week where the doubt was high. 

Team DQ 163.50 vs StatueofGibbserty 177.65

Good match up for the 1st and 2nd draft picks. On draft day you were right. No matter what you do, Josh Allen can keep you in a game. Unfortunately you ran into the second highest point total of the week. You got a knack for running into those scenarios to. I wouldn't be surprised if you finish the season 6-8 with the 2nd highest point total. Bro to Bro (even though you're not reading this) you should keep Godwin on the bench for Hubbard for the foreseeable future. But you'll keep starting him anyway. I'm gonna see how many tips I can put in your recaps until you notice. Go get em next week. 

Eddie told everyone how much he loved Caleb Williams and that love paid off. Besides Gibbs doing Gibbs things, the real GM move of the week was started Jalen Coker. Most leagues don't even have him rostered and you STARTED him. Ballsy move that paid off. Plus you got the production before he ended up in the walking boot. Now don't go tooting your own horn just yet though. You're still a Jet fan and like to set yourself up for losses when they matter. But for now, be happy that you AND the Jets won week 1. Things are looking up. I'm already removing Quis from your path to a semi bounce. It'll just be me instead. 

Where's Scary Terry 135.60 vs DA GAWD AL GAIB 149.35

I don't know how to play this recap. On one hand, the trade worked out. I put aside my hate to see the big picture. You also had a great Burrow/Brown stack that was nullified by my GAWD powers. The matchup throughout the weekend was back and forth anyway. But then you bet DA GAWD that he'd lose. The season is long and we all know you'll make the appropriate adjustment or simply gouge Gordon's teams for scraps while he comes to terms with his failure. What I was worried about in Achane showed up but there will be weeks that it looks good. But the biggest issue is going to be knowing when/where to start Terry. I never draft the guy for a reason. At least you go Deebo looking good and Pittman might be the PPR savant in short catches. I'll take that 10 or we can double or nothing if we see each other again. 

Shout out to the fake fans of DA GAWD - I didn't know we were Burning Bridges. How many times did I hear I've been bad for years despite having highest points and dominating the regular season two years ago. How many times did I hear that recaps were dead because I been losing. No more. There's G's on the Table. When Jacobs comes back, I'm gonna Make Them Pray. You'll Whisper My Name when Trevor Lawrence is the Q1 on the season. Me and BTJ will Make Them Remember. Derrick Henry already started with a Shabang. Brock Bowers gonna make Joel/Shorty STFU. And when DA GAWD wins it all with a bigger pot, I'll Make Them Know my name is DA GAWD for a reason. 

#Amen