Welcome back to your weekly update of the league's performance. We struggled to get here through all of the plagues and turbulence that is 2020. Our last hope is a fantasy season that resets the world. The globe doesn't know that the fate of the world hangs in the balance from this league alone. Hopefully our virtual battle on the gridiron allows the true and rightful King to claim the trophy and bestow peace and happiness. With that said, let's see how 2020 continued for some.
Hector Top 117.05 vs Eddie Bottom 89.80
Bruh....all I feel is fucking pity. For a draft that started off so solid, the let downs have been tremendous. Its like I used one of my patented plagues on you but I didn't do anything. In fact, I wanted you to win just so I could play the clip of Hector drafting like a D1 athlete with a 1.5 GPA taking his SAT's. Instead it looks like you're the Jake Gylenhaal on this broke-back team. I get it. Miles Sanders didn't play. But that's no excuse for a defense to give you -4 pts in Week 1. You literally took an ass-reaming from your best bud in this match-up. Hector railed you so bad, you don't even have a tight end.......just a goose egg where one should be. (if you didn't know this is a joke that he destroyed your ass and left it gaping open).
Hector, congratulations on your win. After a high pressure draft, I guess it paid off with a Week 1 win. But its very obvious that you and Eddie share a bed/brain. Somehow, you must've been intimidated by Eddie's 'genius' start of the Minnesota defense and chose to sit your highest scoring player in Aaron Rodgers. Hopefully you get Evans back and your WR's and stop sharing notes with Eddie. Then again, it could be worse though, you could be the one on the bottom.
falseProfits 129.20 vs Its Gonna Ertz 148.80
Going into this game, Adam was projected to win by 5 but someone at Yahoo forget to tell Michael Thomas and Ekeler to perform. This is a tough loss considering there wasn't much else Adam should have done lineup wise. However, you did commit the cardinal sin of starting a defense that plays against your best player. No one wins in that scenario. If your player scores, it hurts your defense. If your defense does well, your player probably didn't score. Looks like that Guile theme was meant for you. Reconsider your life choices. Go home and be a family man
Looking like a quality UDFA, Trav implemented the patented tri-fecta and triple dipped between Wilson, Carson, and Metcalf. By 4 PM, Trav was able to put his torn achilles foot up and smoke one for the comfy win. This is how effective this league's Last Chance U program can really be! Even though I'm sure he expected a much bigger performance from Saquon, his ability to rely on a tri-fecta should take him far. Congrats on starting the season off right. Let's hope you don't make any trades to undo all this hard work. Before you know it, you might be off the pup list by playoff time.
A Team Has No Luck 131.45 vs Kamaravirus 162.35
This one was rough for Jesus. By Da GAWD's mental projections, Marlon Mack was supposed to come through with a solid 25-30 points. Instead, he's out for the season. Not that this mattered too much, but the real head scratcher was starting Edwards. With a viable Zach Moss against a Gase run Jets, I'm surprised that was the play. Maybe things get better next week with a healthy Golladay. Or maybe he runs into some back luck too. Its only Week 1 so I know you'll recover.
What a good way to start the week after looking positively panicked on draft day. After Lockette and Theilen went, I thought for sure you'd implode. After gambling your entire solid draft on taking your ONLY QB in Danny Dimes, it all paid off. Who knew that starting Jamison Crowder over Slayton could help propel you to 2nd highest point total of the week? It even looks like you overcame your historic inability to choose a defense. This year is looking up for you Obi-Juan. Congrats on the win.
Easy Drake Oven 137.40 vs Los Lobos 150.50
Just when I thought Shorty was going to come out with a Steelers win AND a Week 1 win, it all fell apart. Early afternoon heroics from Josh Allen and Adam Theilen had Shorty on top of the world. Unfortunately, he battled Josh Jacobs and Mark Andrews. Sometimes good just ain't good enough. That Courtland Sutton inactivity was the real dagger in this coffin as it forced him to start Daesean Hamilton. The biggest bright spot though is that Jonathan Taylor is going to pay dividends immediately now that there's no Mack in the way. I want to believe it gets better this year and that you make the semi's in the playoffs, but you seem to have Charlie Brown tendencies.
Ian must've hated the fact that this game came down to the LATE Monday Night game. Those are the worst frights. Anchored by a strong performance form Jacob and Andrews, he left his fate in the hands of a rookie that prevailed. Had Courtland Sutton played, this matchup could have been very different. Last year Week 1 you came out the gate hot. Looks like you're trying to slow burn your way into the playoffs. For now, bask in your win since you play Da GAWD next week. And I know you're gonna struggle with that Brees vs Cam start so I'll let you do damage on yourself.
Samuel Lamar Jackson 159.65 vs Philip on my Chubb 174.25
This loss shouldn't hurt too bad Gerald. You had an optimal lineup and couldn't do any better. You're players performed and you would've beat half the league if it wasn't for the fact you played Quis. A Singletary TD here or an AJ Green TD there and you would've been right there to take Quis out. I wish I could ridicule you but this was one of your better drafts AND lineup choices. Personally, I was hoping you'd get a Gordon to Fant TD and come back but this game was lost once Devante went berserk. Its a damn shame when you invite someone to your crib just to beat you in front your friends and family. Get em next time kid.
Our reigning champ looks like he picked up where I should of left off. After drafting Devante Adams in the first round, he delivered with an overall WR1 performance that made up for a hurt Conner and non-existent Mixon. Right now he's shaping up to try and accomplish the impossible. He's trying to literally make the world collide with the sun and win a chip back to back. But Gawdly senses are getting tingly, and I've got a sneaky suspicion that once that baby arrives, the curtains close on this great run of luck with my the trophy. Congratulations on a week well won.
This Team Iz a Lost Cause 105.35 vs The Exalted, The Marvelous, Da GAWD 131.90
Where do we begin. After making a late pre-season leap to graduate from Last Chance U, Gordon elevated the chat by becoming this year's meme. He took that momentum into the draft and showed he has more RB's than common sense. As the week started, EVERYONE tried to stop him from starting Brandin Cooks while viable trades lingered. To add insult to injury, the plagues began falling in place. Danny Dimes having more points than Patrick Mahomes? Mark Ingram losing touches to JK Dobbins when the Ravens led all day? This loss wasn't even because DA GAWD is great. It's because Gordon had too much pride. Somehow with such a shitty team, he still didn't finish with last in points. I'll be interested to see the volatility his team will have and the upsets he provides. Thanks for handing me my win.
And just like that, DA GAWD escaped some big under performances. The league's been counting me out. But I'm counting my bullets, I'm loading my clips. I'm writing down names, I'm making a list. I'm checking it twice and making sure ya'll all get hit. Last year's debacle taught me more than winning all the time ever could. My purpose is bigger. The stakes are higher. DA GAWD is here to show how much the Earth needs DA GAWD to dominate. You're all on notice. My points will only go up from here so ya'll better step it up when ya'll see me.
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