Stress (Week 3)

 

What a season and its only been three weeks. Each Sunday at 12:30, everyone has been sending prayers up with the hope that their players stay healthy. Most of us aren't even looking for points, just staying healthy. This 2020 season has been a test and no one is immune. Let's recap on the carnage that took place and the people the rose from the ashes victorious. 

Los Lobos 100.60 vs It's Gonna Ertz 138.45

Lobos, it looks like you're really forming a trend with the start em sit em options. This week you started Cam Newton over Brees and the wrong QB was chosen.....again. Who would believe that Rex Burkhead would vulture all those TD's inside the 5 and THEN for Hunter Renfrow to outperform Edelman and Montgomery combined. And that let down from Mark Andrews? Ouch. At this point, I can guarantee that no matter which QB you choose, that it'll be the wrong choice regardless of matchup. Luckily this is just your first loss of the season and you could afford it. . However, 100 points is a terrible place to be - I should know. 

Now this win was looking REALLY dicey at the start of the 4pm games. While Big Russ was putting on a clinic, he wasn't connecting with the coveted trifecta enough. 3 TDs alone went to Tyler Lockette and you were saved by the game winner from Metcalf. On top of that, Carson came out the game and you had to rely on the heroics of Lazard. Let's just say you were really blessed this week to play Lobos and have all this work. Maybe that sacrificial achilles is paying off since you're sitting up top at 3-0. Congrats on siphoning point blessings away from DA GAWD.

falseProfits 145.60 vs Green eggs and SAM 161.30

The Profits put up a good fight all the way into Sunday night. Even with the 3 ints from the Lucky Charm himself, he supported by great production from Robinson, Ridley and Ekler. Where things started to go off the rails was using Josh Kelley thinking the backfield was the new Coleman/Freeman or Deangelo Williams/Jonathan Stewart. It proved costly after Hollywood and Waller were featured in my phone's amber alerts. Sometimes everyone just doesn't show up to play. Dust yourself and climb back up to 2-2 for Week 4.

Looks like those Green Eggs ain't so rotten after all. Leading the way was DA GAWD's favorite to lead in QB fantasy points, Dak Prescott. DA GAWD shook his fist at the sky while watching players like Jerrick Mckinnon and Ceedee Lamb get TDs. While these plays may be helping you sit up top in the standings, it makes no sense that this could possibly be sustainable. ANYWAY, its still a solid performance and credit is due when you have the balls to start Logan Thomas while players like GAWDert can't make it past a qtr to stay healthy. Congrats on this ridiculous win. 

Philip on my Chubb 153.15 vs A Team Has Redemption 157.85

Now where have we seen this matchup before? In this case, the Chubbs? (the Philips?) had a respectable outing despite missing Davante Adams and Raheem Supreme Mostert. They even used Mike Davis (who if you remember was granted the blessing for Jesus 2 years ago when asking for a blessing) to try and secure a win. Alas, Joe Mixon was yet again an afterthought inside the redzone and Keelan Cole isn't even close fantasy saving glory of 2018. And to really hit home, it looks like the Tom Brady would have been able to seal the deal for this win. Instead, it looks like Quis is heading closer to the depths of standings hell with me and Gordon. We welcome you. 

I may be going out on a limb here, but I think this No Name team was spending every waking moment analyzing the best decisions for this week. Facing an 0-3 start, Jesus put together the best lineup he could and squeaked out a win. The stress must've been high while wondering if Watson or Tannehill was the right choice. And after an entire offseason of meme's and gifs (courtesy of Gerald) about how he made the wrong decision in the finals, he has gained a bit of redemption with this win. I salute you for getting your first win and getting that revenge. If only GAWDwin was healthy enough to witness this victory would it feel hopeful going into Week 4. Congrats. 

This Team Iz America 149.75 vs ShuTheBUCup 169.35

No one is surprised with the loss from Gordon. When your second highest scoring position is defense, FOLLOWED BY THE KICKER, you know that the meat of the team is in danger territory. (ALL OF FUCKING WHICH STILL DID BETTER THAN ANY OF DA GAWD'S FUCKING PLAYERS) However, this point total could've competed with mediocre ones this week. There's not much to say beyond the need to trade. Corey Davis and Brandin Cooks just ain't the answer. And waiting on Ruggs to get healthy might as well be like expecting to become a millionaire while holding onto Pogs and saying "they'll be worth more, just wait". This ain't a dynasty/keeper league. Its win now mode. You're 0-3. If you slip to 0-5, I'll run your team for you. 

Oooooowwwweeeee. I don't know if the BUCups were tired of being treated like an amateur or if they ate rabbit foot stew while wearing a four leaf clover medallion, but they came through with the highest point total of the week. Despite a John Brown no show, and missing Kittle and Bell, almost every player out played their projections and he even had a Darrel Henderson to spare. With the way this team is built it might be one to watch out for. At the same time, I still remember how worried he was while making draft decisions, so when everyone is healthy again, he might shoot em self in the foot. Either way, congrats on the first (I think) time being the highest points of the week. 

Kamaravirus 167.75 vs Easy Drake Oven 168.25

If I didn't know any better, Kamarvirus has it pretty easy. With the existing injuries on his team, he's spared the agony of start em sit em, and then gets blessed with unreal production from either of his RB's while his "Gardner" variety QB's just have to not get benched. It makes absolute zero sense that he would be in contention to win a game on Sunday night after being down almost 60 points. Clearly the force is strong with Obi-Juan this year. Unfortunately, the lack of a QB is really starting to show because otherwise, he'd be on pace for a GAWDly season. This ain't a bad loss, just ridiculous that it wasn't a bigger margin. 

On the opposite end, we have Shorty reversing years of bad luck and late night losses. The Drakes stood in the middle of a Kamehameha and ate it. I'm sure he was sweating bullets while watching Kamaravirus' team surge back to life but he stayed calm and cool as Justin tucker got him just enough points to get over the hump. I don't know how much longer we have a season, or how long Shorty can keep this up, but its clear that the power shift in the league is upon us. Continue you hush the haters like myself and feel good about this win. Your savage is showing in this no holds barred deathmatch of a season. 

Samuel Lamar Jackson 126.15 vs Da GAWD 89.10

Welcome to the world of 1-2 G. I'm pretty sure we both knew you'd win this game after I left the Jags Defense in and scored a whopping 0 points. from then on, the rest was history. Its like I couldn't win even when seeing Lamar put up Trubisky's first half numbers. Its not like this is a good win for you considering you beat the lowest point total of the week while having the 3rd lowest. I don't have much shit to talk when I'm sitting so low in the standings and having the lowest points. Congrats on your win and get out of my face, you're blocking the sunshine from above me. 

And there you have it. Another week of unclaimed potential. This Team Iz America managed to outscore me while having fucking Brandin Cooks as his WR1. What do I have to show for it? Glad you asked. I have no backup TE. I have zero production from the second RB spot while I actually have 3 others besides Henry. Oh you mean the same Henry on the team that got covid? Yes! Is that DJ Moore playing second fiddle to MC Sir Purr? Damn right. Is that a season high in yards for Hilton with FIFTY FUCKING 3??? You betcha. Oh and do I have what should be the most coveted kicker in the league except the Seahawks ONLY SCORE TDS!?!?! Yupper! But you know what? If I have had to sacrifice this team in order to go for an undefeated season in another galaxy, so be it.

#A fuckin Men. 

Money Goes (Week 2)

 

What a week. From the disastrous effects of missing all of pre-season to limited practices, it looks like the injury flu has been spreading fast. Teams that were riding high lost many of their 1st and 2nd round picks while others have been able to capitalize on the opportunity and destroy their opponents. Let's recap how each of you fared. 

Philip on My Chubb 115.85 vs Kamaravirus 173.45

It was all good, just a week ago huh? Our reigning champ couldn't outrun the calamity of Week 2. Last week Davante Adams looked like the choice of all choices but it seems those chip powers transferred to Aaron Jones. To make matters worse, Mostert going down in a losing effort as he's about to face the swiss cheese Giants defense in Week 3 is gonna hurt. Normally when we see a goose eggs next to Fuller, we think his season is over after walking down the steps. Instead, he mysteriously wasn't targeted in a game that needed him the most. I'm sure there's no need to panic, but this loss must've hit pretty hard. 

Hats off to Juan for starting players he had no choice to start due to injury. Through divine intervention, Juan was able to have to the highest pt total RB of the week - by a WIDE margin. Aaron Jones' 53 points made up for all the stink of W3's and QB2's. Sitting pretty at 2-0 it looks like this virus is going to be on top for a while. I don't think there's enough industrial face masks to stop him from chasing the chip this season. Great work.

ShuTheBUcUp 115.90 vs falseProfits 170.90

Hector is really going through it this season. First he starts Miller while he has a very capable Boyd and then James White leaves him at the last minute with no RB2. Meanwhile, James Robinson puts in 21 pts on the bench. To make matters worse, his highly drafted George Kittle wasn't available so he puts in journeyman TE Greg Olsen for a whopping goose egg. You should've just left Kittle in on the off-chance that he comes in via wheel chair like Paul Pierce. I'd say it gets better next week, but with Jimmy G out, who knows how good Kittle will continue to be. Start praying.

Adam, congrats on your win without Michael Thomas. Your resourcefulness allowed you to find true value where its overlooked - Kicker and Defense. Putting up 26 pts between the two is making lemonade out of lemons while you allow your real stars to put in work. On top of that, having a QB that managed to get more rushing yards than many starting RBs in this league (including my own) has got to be comforting. Looks like you're ready to be playoff bound once again. 

A Team Has No Health 138.45 vs Green Eggs and SAM 170.90

Jesus, if you plan on making a return to the chip this year, its gonna be hard fought like DiCaprio in Revenant. Losing your top two WR's in the first two weeks has to be rough. I know there's nothing you could do in this situation but damn. I'm sure you've panicked each week just praying Golladay and GAWDwin stay healthy enough to play. It would be a blessing just to play them and only give you 7 pts. Keep hawking the waivers or looking for trades because you're gonna wear that Q/D/O like a badge of honor. A probable at this point would be GAWDsend. 

Started from the bottom now we here! This was a great win Eddie. Like I told you draft day, Dak is gonna be the QB to have this year and it showed. Having each of your players put up massive points was great GM management. Even rolling the dice and rolling with CeeDee Lamb paid dividends. Now the real question is whether or not you can keep this up and if you can dodge any other player set backs. Maybe you'll finally get that 3rd place monkey off your back and show everyone how much talent it takes to be the first player out of money in the league every year. 

Samuel LL (for two losses) Jackson 130.60 vs Easy Drake Lovin' 183.75

Who would've thought that Baker could manage to score more than your first round pick? The schedule that YOU chose to change is coming to bite you in the ass. You're now 2/2 for running into the highest point total of the week while putting up enough points to beat others in the league. I get it. You're SUPPOSED to start Jarvis and AJ over Beaseley. You're supposed to start Lamar over Baker. Looks like the only thing you did wrong was decide to change the schedule. Can't wait to see what Week 3 has in store for you. Get comfy with your buddy Gordon.

Shorty. I'm so proud of this win. Its like all the stars finally aligned and Charlie Brown FINALLY kicked that damn football into Lucy's face. With Mack going down and Josh Allen throwing down field, you've got yourself a full fledged, well-balanced fantasy squad for the first time in what feels like ages. You still left several double digit players on the bench and didn't need em. When Adam Thielen is your lowest point total, you're in a comfortable place. Bask in the glory, you don't have to rely on one premier player anymore as your team name. 

This Team Iz 0-2 121.30 vs Its Gonna Ertz 140.90

Wow Gordon. Its like you have a team full of players that are able to get the job done but the GM is impeding progress. Sitting Fournette and not trading for a WR that will give you more than 3 points feels like you've been taking notes from Adam Gase or Bill O'Brien. To add insult to injury, you must've thought recently retired, lower weight, a year removed from the game, Gronk would take away opportunities from Fournette. The same Fournette on a team that's been BEGGING for a decent RB since Doug Martin. I get it, its all part of your plan. Let the injuries ravage everyone else's team until they need you and then deny the trades so you slide to 0-forever. Until then, keep Hilton on the forefront of your mind. 

Trav, this win looks like it came at a heavy cost. After getting comfy with your triple dip, you managed to lose your first round pick. While Russell and Co can be counted on every week, I don't think Peyton Barber is gonna be the answer for a player to slide in. Be thankful that you started the season at 2-0 instead of 0-2 with a first rounder gone. In the meantime, you better start rehabbing that achilles because its going to take a lot more steps to make it to the promised land. Time to get to work. 

Los Lobos 139.70 vs BrokeGawd Randall 125.55

The only thing about your win this week that gives me comfort is that in another galaxy you couldn't put up 100 pts. This was a rough one for me to witness. While I knew Brees wasn't the choice at QB, 2nd half heroics from Edelman and Tyreek Hill absolutely burst my bubble of getting lucky. While this wasn't close to a commanding win, its a win none-the-less and I gotta give my props. Luckily, I won't have to hear you talk about this in the chat for another week or until you check your phone. 

And there you have it. $65 Nyhiem Hines coming through with a spectacular 1 pt and the followup $35 Snell being worse than a goose egg. Da GAWD was really on two colts away from a win and they both came up short. A 44 yard TD drop from Hilton (who is already matching his drop total of last season) and choosing the wrong TE truly hurt. When the money goes, will the wins stay? With the injury plague in full force, DA GAWD has the most work cut out for him going forward. At least I'm not Gordon. 

#Amen

 

Middle Child (Week 1)

 

Welcome back to your weekly update of the league's performance. We struggled to get here through all of the plagues and turbulence that is 2020. Our last hope is a fantasy season that resets the world. The globe doesn't know that the fate of the world hangs in the balance from this league alone. Hopefully our virtual battle on the gridiron allows the true and rightful King to claim the trophy and bestow peace and happiness. With that said, let's see how 2020 continued for some. 

Hector Top 117.05 vs Eddie Bottom 89.80

Bruh....all I feel is fucking pity. For a draft that started off so solid, the let downs have been tremendous. Its like I used one of my patented plagues on you but I didn't do anything. In fact, I wanted you to win just so I could play the clip of Hector drafting like a D1 athlete with a 1.5 GPA taking his SAT's. Instead it looks like you're the Jake Gylenhaal on this broke-back team. I get it. Miles Sanders didn't play. But that's no excuse for a defense to give you -4 pts in Week 1. You literally took an ass-reaming from your best bud in this match-up. Hector railed you so bad, you don't even have a tight end.......just a goose egg where one should be. (if you didn't know this is a joke that he destroyed your ass and left it gaping open). 

Hector, congratulations on your win. After a high pressure draft, I guess it paid off with a Week 1 win. But its very obvious that you and Eddie share a bed/brain. Somehow, you must've been intimidated by Eddie's 'genius' start of the Minnesota defense and chose to sit your highest scoring player in Aaron Rodgers. Hopefully you get Evans back and your WR's and stop sharing notes with Eddie. Then again, it could be worse though, you could be the one on the bottom.

falseProfits 129.20 vs Its Gonna Ertz 148.80

Going into this game, Adam was projected to win by 5 but someone at Yahoo forget to tell Michael Thomas and Ekeler to perform. This is a tough loss considering there wasn't much else Adam should have done lineup wise. However, you did commit the cardinal sin of starting a defense that plays against your best player. No one wins in that scenario. If your player scores, it hurts your defense. If your defense does well, your player probably didn't score. Looks like that Guile theme was meant for you. Reconsider your life choices. Go home and be a family man

Looking like a quality UDFA, Trav implemented the patented tri-fecta and triple dipped between Wilson, Carson, and Metcalf. By 4 PM, Trav was able to put his torn achilles foot up and smoke one for the comfy win. This is how effective this league's Last Chance U program can really be! Even though I'm sure he expected a much bigger performance from Saquon, his ability to rely on a tri-fecta should take him far. Congrats on starting the season off right. Let's hope you don't make any trades to undo all this hard work. Before you know it, you might be off the pup list by playoff time.

A Team Has No Luck 131.45 vs Kamaravirus 162.35

This one was rough for Jesus. By Da GAWD's mental projections, Marlon Mack was supposed to come through with a solid 25-30 points. Instead, he's out for the season. Not that this mattered too much, but the real head scratcher was starting Edwards. With a viable Zach Moss against a Gase run Jets, I'm surprised that was the play. Maybe things get better next week with a healthy Golladay. Or maybe he runs into some back luck too. Its only Week 1 so I know you'll recover. 

What a good way to start the week after looking positively panicked on draft day. After Lockette and Theilen went, I thought for sure you'd implode. After gambling your entire solid draft on taking your ONLY QB in Danny Dimes, it all paid off. Who knew that starting Jamison Crowder over Slayton could help propel you to 2nd highest point total of the week? It even looks like you overcame your historic inability to choose a defense. This year is looking up for you Obi-Juan. Congrats on the win.

Easy Drake Oven 137.40 vs Los Lobos 150.50

Just when I thought Shorty was going to come out with a Steelers win AND a Week 1 win, it all fell apart. Early afternoon heroics from Josh Allen and Adam Theilen had Shorty on top of the world. Unfortunately, he battled Josh Jacobs and Mark Andrews. Sometimes good just ain't good enough. That Courtland Sutton inactivity was the real dagger in this coffin as it forced him to start Daesean Hamilton. The biggest bright spot though is that Jonathan Taylor is going to pay dividends immediately now that there's no Mack in the way. I want to believe it gets better this year and that you make the semi's in the playoffs, but you seem to have Charlie Brown tendencies.

Ian must've hated the fact that this game came down to the LATE Monday Night game. Those are the worst frights. Anchored by a strong performance form Jacob and Andrews, he left his fate in the hands of a rookie that prevailed. Had Courtland Sutton played, this matchup could have been very different. Last year Week 1 you came out the gate hot. Looks like you're trying to slow burn your way into the playoffs. For now, bask in your win since you play Da GAWD next week. And I know you're gonna struggle with that Brees vs Cam start so I'll let you do damage on yourself.

Samuel Lamar Jackson 159.65 vs Philip on my Chubb 174.25

This loss shouldn't hurt too bad Gerald. You had an optimal lineup and couldn't do any better. You're players performed and you would've beat half the league if it wasn't for the fact you played Quis. A Singletary TD here or an AJ Green TD there and you would've been right there to take Quis out. I wish I could ridicule you but this was one of your better drafts AND lineup choices. Personally, I was hoping you'd get a Gordon to Fant TD and come back but this game was lost once Devante went berserk. Its a damn shame when you invite someone to your crib just to beat you in front your friends and family. Get em next time kid.

Our reigning champ looks like he picked up where I should of left off. After drafting Devante Adams in the first round, he delivered with an overall WR1 performance that made up for a hurt Conner and non-existent Mixon. Right now he's shaping up to try and accomplish the impossible. He's trying to literally make the world collide with the sun and win a chip back to back. But Gawdly senses are getting tingly, and I've got a sneaky suspicion that once that baby arrives, the curtains close on this great run of luck with my the trophy. Congratulations on a week well won. 

This Team Iz a Lost Cause 105.35 vs The Exalted, The Marvelous, Da GAWD 131.90

Where do we begin. After making a late pre-season leap to graduate from Last Chance U, Gordon elevated the chat by becoming this year's meme. He took that momentum into the draft and showed he has more RB's than common sense. As the week started, EVERYONE tried to stop him from starting Brandin Cooks while viable trades lingered. To add insult to injury, the plagues began falling in place. Danny Dimes having more points than Patrick Mahomes? Mark Ingram losing touches to JK Dobbins when the Ravens led all day? This loss wasn't even because DA GAWD is great. It's because Gordon had too much pride. Somehow with such a shitty team, he still didn't finish with last in points. I'll be interested to see the volatility his team will have and the upsets he provides. Thanks for handing me my win. 

And just like that, DA GAWD escaped some big under performances. The league's been counting me out. But I'm counting my bullets, I'm loading my clips. I'm writing down names, I'm making a list. I'm checking it twice and making sure ya'll all get hit. Last year's debacle taught me more than winning all the time ever could. My purpose is bigger. The stakes are higher. DA GAWD is here to show how much the Earth needs DA GAWD to dominate. You're all on notice. My points will only go up from here so ya'll better step it up when ya'll see me. 

#Amen.