What Would Meek Do (Week 6)

Welcome back to your weekly dose of recaps sponsored by yours truly, The Black Connor MacLeod aka The Bye Week Bully aka The Prophet that Profits aka A$AP TDs aka Waiver Wire Warlord, aka Your Grace, #Oracle, Fahrenheit Fingertips, Goofy Tony and the Celestial Quartet, aka Garden State Nate, better known as DA GAWD. We're halfway through the regular season and the standings are looking tight. Let's review how we got to such a close race for chance at the chip (which currently resides in Valhalla).

Snorlax 100.25 vs HOP off deez nuks 125.70

Juan, I hope the trip to DR gave you the drunken stupor to numb the pain of this loss. Between your drunk texts of "love ya" and pics of you being laid out on a bed with shoes on, I think you ignored the fact that you were vacationing with your opponent this week. I can't blame you for abandoning your team this week. Davante Adams is still out and most your players are on bye you actually don't have any options. The waiver wire looks like the crumby bits at the end of the cereal box and this was the best you could do. Take solace in the fact Tyreek Hill came back to get you over the hump of 100 pts. I know its gonna be hard to keep the faith, but maybe your team can get you to the promised land like this gif.



My man Shorty. You were able to enjoy the benefits of a win AND a great trip to DR. Not sure if you're aware, but your opponent lead us to believe that your kidneys had the capacity of a large 2nd grader and that you'd be in danger of being left amongst your in-laws folks. It looks like YOU had the last laugh though in this one. You had the better producers in each of the matchups between both players. You had Wentz, he had Ertz. You had Tucker, he had Boyd. This win wasn't pretty since you didn't really blow the roof off points - but a wins a win. Proud of you Black man.



falseProfits 107.85 vs Green Eggs and SAM 159.10

Early on Sunday, Adam had a premonition. As Jameis continued to make his bid as the new spokesman for Entenmann's, Adam said "sure am happy I benched him.....I think". Its like a little voice inside said "Despite Jameis managing to lose more points than some QBs can even get in a game, maybe I should've started him". It hurts to be right. Gardener Minshew managed to mince you're points (I tried a bad pun). On the bright side you still got some solid players. Catch some people on a bad bye week and you might be back in the running for a playoff spot. Til then, do the opposite of the Bucs and find a new QB.



Eddie, looks like things are shaping up just like last year. Coasting through the regular season and making trades to enhance your chances at the chip. You even believed in your Jet while staring in the face of a Cowboys team that everyone had pegged to win. This win had just a little extra to it didn't it. Its a shame you had to sacrifice one of your own men in green but decision had to be made right? Keep that 2nd place seat warm for my way up. I should be there in no time. You hear my foot steps yet?



Los Lobos 112.65 vs No One 136.40

It was all good just 3 weeks ago right? When Emmanuel Sanders turned the clock back to 2011 and Dalvin Cook told Kirk Cousins to stop throwing the ball, you thought you couldn't do no wrong. But now you're falling from grace. You flew too close to the sun. Somehow, I don't think you'll be in this middle of the pack for very long, but its been rough few weeks for you. Both Gordons under-performing had to get under your skin. You better start steering this ship out of the way of the iceberg waiting for you or you'll end up like the titanic.



Jesus, business as usual - amirite? You dodging landmines and staying in the top spot. Your defense is putting up better numbers than half of the teams RB1's and WR1's COMBINED - all with Saquon on the bench. You must be sleeping really well nowadays with such a cushy lead and command of this league's ship. But just like the matrix, this is all veiled control. At some point, this team is gonna turn into a pumpkin at the worst time. Just enjoy the ball til the clock reads week 12........Cinderfella.



This Team iz Lost 114.25 vs BUCeMDowN 155.85

I've never one to hold my tongue on an "I Told You So". In the midst of your comedic stupor, you not only missed an opportunity of knocking down the first place holder, but you also didn't bank the needed win to compensate for this week's loss. To make matters worse, you're breathing life into the Cheech of the league. I get it, the entire Rams offense let you down. Boo-fuckin-hoo. This game ain't nice. Its raw. Its the jungle. Ain't no expectations that can be counted on. You only can get it what you get while you here - until you die. Oh and if you're gonna hold two mediocre defenses, at least pick the one that faces a QB that has as many INTs as Lamar Jackson has TDs.



Hector, thank your lucky stars that Gordon has been an idiot over the last few weeks. You had no business making that stupid trade. Sure, Diggs blew up THIS week, but do you think your squad of RB2s and WR2s can take you the distance? Even worse, you trade for Brady AFTER he's played some of the worst teams in the league. Mark my GAWDLY words that Tom Brady won't even finish the season fantasy healthy. I know, you don't believe me - what's new? What's new is that when it all happens here in plain words, I'll have more ammunition to make an example out of you for years to come. So you won - big whoop.



FlaccOFF 145.60 vs SuperCRACK 163.85

Each week, I take great pleasure in watching you stash MASSIVE points on the bench. This week in particular was especially nice. As I told you early in the season, you'll be forced to keep starting Kelce because its the "right thing" but you'll keep having a better performing TE. First it was Greg Olsen and then you traded him because "you'll never use em". Now Hunter Henry is next up to the plate with the 30 points that would've won your matchup. This plague is a pleasure to watch unfold. If I were betting man, I'd say you'll never have Kelce start at the right time. Just remember that you had an opportunity to repent when you're watching everyone have fun in the playoffs. At least you have your league to fall back on.



Trav, you've yet to disappoint me this season. As I told everyone, a man with your dedication to watching bacon cooking could turn that focus into a GREAT fantasy team. With another optimal lineup (I'll excuse the fact Ju-Ju flopped) you've firmly established yourself as a force in the league. You told Quis to drop you off at the draft a block away so folks wouldn't see you associated with a fantasy GM like him. There's nothing more that Quis can claim he's taught you. You're on a mission and its great to watch.



GAWD Can't Hear You 114.80 vs DA GAWD 175.30

They say there's a moment before death where there's a feint light that brings people peace. I don't think Gerald has experienced that light. He now exists in a void. There's no hope. No chances. DA GAWD can't hear you when you denounce his blessings. Gerald just has to spend the rest of fantasy eternity wondering why he made the decisions he made while he was here on Earth. Let his corpse of a team be a warning to everyone as to what can happen. Now that I've finally turned him, I will set him loose to go forth and spoil everyone's chances at glory. There's still use for him and his booty pics yet.



"Niggas talkin shit, GAWD, how do you respond" DA GAWD is top 5 and there's more points to pile on. 3 Weeks in a row of capturing the highest point total and that point total just KEEPS CLIMBING. Maybe ya'll didn't hear me when I said to que the montage. I'm now at the stage where I'm hittin the speed bag quickly without looking. I'm getting close to catching the chicken. That double entendre means I'm close to getting my revenge on the person that set my rage in motion. My trifecta is forming. I'm getting production from the so called "squad of backups". You're all on notice.

U Don't Know (Week 5)

WHOO! What a Week 5. What a time to be alive. We had MULTIPLE 40 pt producers across the league. Some people had em and won. Some people had em and lost. Some people had em...on the bench. 5 Weeks are in the books and ya'll better recognize the weight of your choices. Lets review how it all went down.

Lost Lobos 92.55 vs HOP off deez nuks 128.25

Some people just don't know how good they got it til its gone. After coming out the gates like a full grown Ant-Man, Lobos reverted back to regular ole Paul Rudd and struggled to get to 100 points. Watching everyone's players blow up while his own players lay dormant must've made him feel like a flat chested 13 year old girl coming back to school in September after Big Titty Brenda started wearing a bra. Everyone else having nuclear players but you. Don't worry, the playoffs are still within your grasp. Maybe you'll get your wish and make the playoffs in the 4-6 seed like you truly want.



SHORTY! Way to turn a stressful anxiety ridden Sunday into a clear cut win. Not that you did anything special, but your Black Man magic must've kicked into high gear. While DHop has YET to go off (and we all know its because of your team name) you managed to stay outside of the hell that Gerald and Juan are in. I'm not gonna gas you though. Your team is held together by duct tape and chewing gum and probably won't last past the bye weeks. But a win's a win. In the meantime, just give someone "the nod" with the confidence that you won your fantasy week.



Antonio WhiteClawderez 117.60 vs Green eggs and SAM 158.30

Its becoming a weekly treat to witness Juan's spiral into clinical depression. This ain't just "I had a bad week". Whatever can go wrong does go wrong in each matchup. Watching CMC blast off into outer space must've been rough. At this point you might as well go to church on Sundays instead of watching your players disappoint you week after week like an absentee dad. But I'm not here to pity you. I'm here to tell you that its all behind you. If you can tolerate the disgusting taste of a woman's break-the-seal piss you call "hard seltzer", you can tolerate these losses. Pick yourself up and get a win.



Eddie, you provin' all the haters wrong with that first overall pick. CMC is literally grabbing your dead team and carrying it back to the safety of wins each week. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you got married to CMC the way he's supporting you through thick and thin. It also looks like we made a pretty even trade so far with A-Rob putting up about the same points as Breida. All in all, thanks for providing us with the disdain that Juan is feeling - the chat is worth it. Great win in a week where you had little left on the bench.



This Team iz Concussed 126.05 vs No One 129.80

I want to know the punchline of the joke where you keep thinking holding two defenses and not starting a kicker is funny. I mean, its funny to Jesus. Its funny to people fighting for the playoff spot. But is it funny to you? You go on a tirade of not having good trades but you out here selling Canal street handbags at Gucci prices. The way you even defended the idea that kickers are useless is starting to make me wonder if this is just funny to you or if you've been concussed/flooried while on a comedy tour. Just tell the truth. You gettin' cute for your own good and its all thanks to thinking that blue horseshoe brings you "Luck".



While I'd normally be quick to give you props on this one from across the pond, you don't deserve it. There is nothing about this win that you should be proud of. You should walk away from this win like the Rams did against the Saints last year. This blatantly dumb move by a joker of a fantasy owner should just have you quietly look at the win column. Outside of the herculean effort of Deshaun Watson, your team wouldn't have even put up 100 points with an average QB. You'll get the loss you deserve.



BUCemDownTo7TH 142.65 vs SuperCRACK 163.70

I had a Theilen your early season success was nothing but a flash in the pan. Mark Ingram has finally turned back into a pumpkin and you're still stuck with the dynamic dumbo of Dalton and Allen. I can't say that you'll stay in this loser hole, but it sure is nice to see you losing in these ways. Watching you choose between those QBs and whether to start Royce Freeman is going to be fun as this season goes on. On the bright side, you still put in a respectable point total for the week. If you think I'm taking it easy on you - I am. I have a wealth of screenshots saved for you when I knock you out the playoffs. Peace be with you.



There shouldn't be a dry eye in the building with the way Trav has made his presence known in this league. After sitting outside Juan's house in the rain for weeks before the draft, he's now grown enough to decline crappy trades. He can smell a trap a mile away. Shit, he even started Chark with the utmost confidence. You on the pursuit of happiness and it looks like you might just get there and make the playoffs. Keep your head up youngblood.



Lost GOHD 146.80 vs FlacOFF 169.75

Gerald, I want you to look deep inside yourself and rationalize what you thought you'd be before the season started. What were you supposed to be the "GOHD" of? When were you supposed to climb the charts? Were you looking forward to the banter in the chat as you thought about the ways to make fun of the loser tax? Now that I'm no longer there to keep you company, what do you have left? I mean, you got players to trade. You're obviously not concerned with winning when you leaving them on the bench. Beggars can't be choosers and you're gonna need to make a deal. Just come back home and trade em to DA GAWD.



I guess I could say good win to you Quis. While Gerald had PLENTY of opportunity to beat you, it looks like he just couldn't keep the faith. He drowned in the water as I asked him to walk. The only silver lining to this shitty win is that you left MASSIVE points on the bench. That's the type of thing that bites you in the playoffs when it comes to seeding and who you play. And don't think I ain't peep how you dumped Olsen right before his donut game. Straight grimey.



falseProfits 139.20 vs DA GAWD 170.30

Well it looks like we know who the REAL false prophet is now don't we. Coming into this game, I had a feeling you'd been waiting for this opportunity since the draft. Showing up in a false glove thinking you had the power to just SNAP this league back to when turnovers were just -2. The late game heroics of Amari Cooper simply weren't enough to combat my divine power. As a former champ, I like the determination. But as the current champ, I'm REAL happy you sat Sutton and DJ Moore. Looks like someone simply had a "false" start this week. I banish you back to chat limbo for 3 days. Catch you on my way to the top.



Two weeks in a ROW of having the highest point total. The powers are overflowing. First rule of war is making sure your opponent is dead. Leaving that small flicker of life in me was able to catch and create the forest fire known as my 2 Week point total dominance. Can't ya'll get it through your greezy heads that DA GAWD is inevitable? But I'm not tryin to be no big thing. I'm not tryin' to give ya'll no more advice. But Da GAWD is home. Newest addition to the squad, Matt Breida. The Championship 2 is on its way. I know ya'll hear Da GAWD's footsteps out there. I'm comin......U Don't Know the beast that ya'll have awoken in DA GAWD!



#Amen

Greatest (Week 4)

I'M BACK BITCHES! DA GAWD apologizes for missing Week 3's recap. I was in the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights figuring out how to regain the powers and the faith. How to trust in my #Amens and set the Earth back on its correct axis. Week 4 has been more compounded mayhem, but I'll let the recaps discuss that more. Da GAWD been holding in his shit talk like a fart through a 2 hour meeting. Its time to unleash the fury.

Los Lobos 129.65 vs Green Eggs and MARRIED 130.80

FINALLY! After appearing indestructible for weeks, Lobos' Delanie Walker finally showed what it looks like to be a bum-ankled TE to with a QB that just wants to be back on the beaches of Waikiki. You deserved this close loss Lobos. Feeling yourself with a .2 win was bound be come back around. Word on the street is that some Vikings wanna start throwing more. The streets are talking about shutting down Zeke shuts down the Cowboys. Rumor has it, Shady bout to go back to a lot more time share duties. Hope that Mahomes arm is strong enough to keep this team lifted up high.



Eddie, first and foremost, congratulations on marrying a woman that can respect your fetish for all things Jet green. They say love is blind and in your case its true. You blindly started McLaurin and got a win. I think you twirled your Joe Namath cuff links like rosery beads during your ceremony while praying for the win. Thank you for providing the revenge DA GAWD was looking for and the Sunday Frights drama we all look forward to. Now that your wife has accepted your dirty secret love for the Jets and this fantasy league, lets hope she understands why you spend a little more time on your lineup next week. You don't have much room for error with this squad.



Hop off Deez Nuks 93.30 vs This Team Iz America 134.25

Shorty, I think I found out why your teams perform the way they do year after year. At first I thought it was because I kept starting your seasons off with their annual first L but in reality, its the team names. Every time you decide to focus on player puns that you draft, they're either your whole team or said players simply let you down. We're almost at the point where you're forced to change your team name to "Finally Got a WR". I'd have sweat stains on my boxers by now if my best player performance came from the 3rd string RB that won't be relevant next week. You ain't even have anyone on bye yet. I'm praying for you Black man.



Remember when everyone questioned Gordon using his #1 pick to take heavily used player Leonard Fournette? The same Fournette that lost weight to adjust for injury prone play? Well it looks like it payed off. Gordon doubled down and got gutsy with taking Gurley who produced two TDs on the same number of carries as Jerrick McKinnon since 2016. Only problem here is that it looks like Gordon is doomed to sacrifice his beloved team's players until he gets a chip. First Luck. Then Doyle. Is Jacoby next? Congratulations on going an impressive 9/9 across all your fantasy leagues - regardless of how Micky Mouse they might be.



BUCeMDowN 94.75 vs No One 134.25

I don't know if Hector uses different letter cases in his team name to annoy me when I have to write the title of his recap or if his eyes been so low from the weed he really couldn't tell if he was using caps or lowercase. What a fuckin' disaster this team has become. I bet when you beat DA GAWD, that was the best week of your life and you just said "fuck it, I ain't gotta strive for nothin else". Who knew you would've been better off using Josh Allen. You know, the guy that didn't finish the game and had 3 pics. Like......ANDY FUCKIN' DALTON??? ON A MONDAY NIGHT?????........WITHOUT AJ GREEN!?!?!?!?. AWAY.??????? At least Josh Allen had the swagger of being 3-0 going into his game to have a BIT of a chance at over-achieving.  PUH-LEEZ hook DA GAWD up with what you been smokin.



Jesus, its amazing that you were able to salvage a no rb team into a win. With your top RBs gone, you had to rely on the likes of Rex Bumphead and CJ Prosise. I guess having a defense perform like one of your top RBs doesn't hurt, but that schedule gonna get harder. Nights gonna darker. If I were you, (you know, like when I was mortal) I'd do anything I can to score the MOST points I can while I can get it. Ain't no tellin' where you're gonna get points from if they slow roll both Barkley and Coleman. But I don't think that'll be a problem for you with the caliber of wr's on deck.



FlaccOFF 93.35 vs falseProfits 136.45

Wow Quis. I'm starting to think a gang of locusts came and ravaged your squad AND the Broncos. Going into Week 4's matchup you were projected to put up a winning 140 pts. Quite the let down. Did you delete the app on Sunday at 1pm when your bench was full of players with O's next to their status? Did you decide to do your laundry early when boom or bust Hardman came through with...what's that? NEGATIVE 1.10 points!?!?? Were you drunk on Sam Adams and buttery Lobster rolls and enjoying one of those cockamamie Duck Tours when you desperately grasped at a win by starting Danny Dimes?? At least you still have Travis Kelce and Michael Thomas....for now.



Adam, you know what its like to be a winner. After last year's let down, I can see the resolution to climb back to the top. While you keep leaving points on the bench week after week, your still getting wins so at least you're focused on the primary goal. DA GAWD is low-key tight that he let Jameis Winston slip into your fingers, but clearly you didn't know what to do with him at the time so it all works out. At least you'll be put in the position of deciding to start the combination of RB2s and WR2s that can over or under perform for you all season. Good luck and good win.



Sauce GOHD 132.95 vs SuperCRACK 153.70

This one kinda hurts me Gerald. After weeks of close losses, you put together a point total that would've beat SEVERAL under performers this week, yet you ran into the 2nd highest point total from Trav's team. Starting the Eagle's very own Jordan Howard over Lindsay may have been the better choice considering Jax stops the run well but.....who are we kiddin? You took DA GAWD's persona in vain and these are the consequences. You've been bouncing between your. GAWDS First you sided with Quis and look at the shambles his team is in. Then you gave up all hope. At least you have time to focus on the clothing line. That'll make more money than you should expect from this fantasy season real quick....because fantasy gonna be 0.



Look at our fantasy kindergartner growing up right before our eyes. Trav, I knew there was a competent fantasy football player in you. 2nd highest point total of the week and steadily climbing the charts. You know those inspirational quotes and speakers when they tell you take your shot and treat it like its your last? That's what you're showing in this fantasy season. No matter how much everyone advised you against drafting the entire Browns offense, you've managed to prove the haters wrong again and again. I'm trying to figure out where you'll end the season (obviously not with a chip). Maybe 4th? DA GAWD thinks you may be deserving of 4th. Until then, enjoy the ride.



Antonio Brownderez 125.10 vs DA GAWD 158.15

They say that you can only count on two things. Taxes and death. In the fantasy world, its usually me beating Shorty, but beating Juan in a prime-time matchup is almost as predictable. Similar to our Championship bout of last year, you managed to strike despair and fear into DA GAWD with an early onslaught of Davante Adams, Zach Ertz and a first play of the game injury to Jamaal Williams. Matter of fact, your week probably went just like it did when I wrote your recap of another Monday night meltdown in week in Week 4. There's laws in the jungle of fantasy football and I don't think there's enough WhiteClaws to make you forget how bad this week was. Dust yourself off and just PRAY that Watkins AND Tyreek Hill are viable options.



Mothafucka's was talkin crazy, sayin I should quit. I'm tellin' each of ya'll to make me or eat a fuckin' dick. DA GAWD is eternal. DA GAWD can make something out of nothing. How in the holiest of miracles can Chris Godwin go from doubtful with a hip injury on Saturday to NUCLEAR POINTS ON SUNDAY!?!?! Its because I made him Chris GAWDwin. As I prophesied while you all laughed as I was building the ark, the montage towards the repeat of the chip is upon you. Like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, I punched my way out of the coffin known as last place and have started working my way to the top. Ya'll can either get down or lay down.



#AMEN

How? (Week 2)

I hope you bitches are just enjoying the shenanigans going on in Week 2. We saw some correction happen with some teams while some others continued to do more of the same. Moreover, it looks like you fair-weather fans have pivoted to a knew source for your recaps. All the laughs with non of the creativity. I guess yall would rather have 30 second microwaved steak'ums than the dry-aged filet mignon steaks known as DA GAWD'S RECAPS. Let's review how everyone did.

Hop off Deez Nuks 89.55 vs No One 169.35

I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same. With a new team name, I thought you might've changed things. Looks like Shorty is who we thought he was the whole time - an impostor. Not only is he a Black guy passing as Dominican (a la Gerald), he also thought he shook off the stench of not meeting expectations. With Njoku out, and starting the wrong Houston RB, I don't know how you're future doesn't remind me of that "Lights, Kamara, Action" season. You earned in Oscar for that standout performance as a winning team in Week 1.



Week 2 came and Jesus clocked in and out like a regular day at the office. Another strong performance on the books with the Patriots D leading the way. The good thing about your team is going to be watching you agonize over who to start each week. Hopefully the decisions will fill you with anxiety to the point that you curl into a fetal position and pray that you don't get the promise of a chip ripped away from you in final game of the season. I'll be there to deliver that promise, so don't let this slow start for DA GAWD confuse you.



BucEmDown 90.65 vs Green Eggs and SAM 135.10

What goes up must come down  Bucdown. After rolling up and smoking the leftover remains of Jason Witten's hair to analyze a proper draft strategy, your dastardly ways have caught up to you. I told you on draft day to leave Kamara alone so that I could draft him and you know what? he gave you 7 measely points. Then his QB goes down. Now AB trying outrun misconduct allegations like Rocky outran them kids. Where's Mark Ingram? Where's Alshon?? You're plagues have now been set. May you wake up every Sunday in a cold sweat worried about who's next. #Amen



Eddie, congratulations on delivering a dish best served green. Maybe you had him join you in those other dummy league's to get him off your pattern. Maybe this was all a setup for you have him draft players that you knew he'd be too high to notice the talent from. Either way. when everyone doubted your team's ability outside of CMC, you left em in. Who cares if you got the avatar of a QB that could catch chicken pox if he's around a daycare - you believed and you won. Keep that momentum going and keep believing in this ragtag bunch.



FlacOFF 98.30 vs Los Lobos 184.15

It has BEGUN. We're now in the second week and the first casualty from your ill-gotten gains has emerged. Drew Bress; perennial maker of playoff fantasy teams, is gone for 6 weeks (maybe more depending on how I want this plague to play out between you and Eddie). Then after you thought you were slick in delivering DJax in that trojan horse trade, you picked him back and STARTED him. You must've thought "I'm about to show them all how stupid Randall was to let him go after that trade. It'll be like I gave away nothing for Kelce". And BOOM out. If you plan on salvaging any bit of money from this league this season, I suggest you continue betting on the side - its the only thing you'll be happy with for this football season. Until you repent, you are heretofore cursed. #Amen.



Following up Week 1's dominating performance, it looks like Lobos is delivering on that promise he made in the chat. Laying waste to DA GAWD's mortal enemies is a great way to secure a place in Valhalla and earn an opportunity to compete for the coveted chip. Keep in mind that this score could've been even higher had Lobos let Sanders start. This team is seriously starting to raise my eyebrows but I have internal issues to attend to. Since you'll go toe to toe with Da GAWD Week 3, I think I'll allow another win. DA GAWD has plans for a Week 4-10 montage for the record books. Until then, keep sitting comfortable in the drivers seat to the chip and a bye week.



FalseProphits 118.30 vs SuperCRACK 163.50

Just when I thought that all that hatred and training you did in the off-season paid off, you go ahead do something like starting Sutton over DJ Moore. Now I'm no mathematician or some acrobat of arithmetic, but how could the lowly offense of the Broncos compare to half the arm of Pam Newton and DJ Moore? I know, the Broncos will EVENTUALLY throw, but starting Sutton was pure gambling without accessing risk. This is but one of a few losses so I don't think they'll be repeated mental lapses like this but get it together. We gotta make it seem like Trav is earning his way into a playoff spot.



Look what we have here. Third highest points of the week from none other than the bacon whisperer. I'm starting to think you avoid the chat and simply read up player stats and are dedicating your 2nd chance to proving us wrong for kicking you out. You're really taking this opportunity to show that you're making the right decisions on paper every week. Sure Agholor left a bunch of points of the bench, but that's because you didn't expect my plagues to attack the other receivers on the squad. If I didn't know any better, you'll be at a 8th grade reading level, keeping up with the chat AND making the playoffs.



Sauce GHOD 118.25 vs Antonio Brownderez 123.35

This race to the bottom must've been tough to watch on Sunday and Monday night. After starting Amendola like he got Jax's robotic shoulders and its 2011, Gerald had to climb out of a huge hole. Now I'm not saying you should've started last year's 1k breakout rusher over the worst parts of Wes Welker and Julian Edelman, but Corey Davis is STILL a #1 option on the non-throwing Titans and he still would've got you the win. After that, there's not much else for me to say. While I charge up my energy to leave you down here in the swampy parts of this league, just remember this type of advice that I've given you.



Juan, that floating head recap you provided is a direct correlation to how you're treating your fantasy team. While you may have gotten a win despite multiple -4 points, you're still lackin'. You lack the ability to have a backup QB. As I tried to warn you all off-season, I'm going to give you one more piece of advice since you at least made the effort to feed these children a half-baked recap story. Aaron Rodgers will go down by Week 6. Plan accordingly.



This Team Iz America 134.85 vs DA GAWD 132.80

Gordon, this is now the third season where you've managed to beat me in a regular season game. I guess I should have seen this coming. While you were gallivanting at weddings and enjoying yourself, you seemed to have forgotten the fact that we have kickers in this league. At one point I thought you were trying to join in on the opportunity to kick DA GAWD while he's mortal, but you legit didn't pick one up. I hope your sacrifice of Crowder for this win was worth it.



Another week, another loss. Another late recap. Another disgusting mortal existence. These things you flesh bags call emotions are the worst. Ain't been happy in a while. I be starin’ in the mirror tryin' to force myself to smile. Can't keep blaming everybody, people do what you allow and don’t ask me how I feel cause I'm responding back with "how?" How the fuck I'm supposed to feel when I ain't got no running backs? How the hell I'm supposed to trust trades when people out here settin' traps? But I've now become comfortable in this level. I'm letting the fuel of each loss grow my hunger for more. Victory has made me lazy and content. These losses are just what DA GAWD needed.

#Amen

Devil's Work (Week 1)

Welcome back to the reason y'all abandon your significant others and families. We waited a long time for the opportunity to showcase our predictions and amazing shit talking abilities. As your host this season, buckle up for the turbulent times laid before us. Week 1 cannot be explained with a rational mind. Just remember that turbulence is the price you'll all pay now that DA GAWD has to defend his title in a filthy realm of fork-tongued beguilers, miscreants and ne'er-do-wells. Without further ado, let's review the week that got y'all announcing new kings and denouncing the mover of hurricanes, the bringer of plagues, DA GAWD himself.

Antonio Brownderez 115.85 vs falseProfits 143.60

All off-season, Juan couldn't stop thinking of ways to get back at DA GAWD for taking the chip. He kept re-using memes (damn near daily) for a player that he named his team after.......THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN DRAFT. Funny enough, it was a receiver that could have turned the tide in this match-up. Sammy Watkins....the number 1 receiver in Fantasy Football Week 1 lay dormant on Juan's bench. Maybe its due to my own Week 1 L's but this one had to hurt. Da GAWD predicts Juan struggling with the 'will he won't he' start him each week for Watkins until Hill gets back. It'll be his new Sunday/Monday Night frights. Shake this off and come back ready for Week 2.



Back from the dead, Adam has resurrected his failed defending title tour and turned in a solid Week 1. When DA GAWD looked down from Olympus, he saw the determination and grit on Adam's face as he worked out like the montage from Rocky IV. With every push-up, he counted the rankings for the players he intended to draft. While Jameis was a misstep, it didn't matter since there's plenty of QBs (for now) to go around. Will the result of this solid lineup withstand the better prepared defenses of Week 2? DA GAWD predicts a playoff berth for Adam but nothing more. You're attempt to use DA INFINIDY GAWNLET against DA GAWD will be futile.




Sauce GOHD 114.35 vs Los Lazarus 177.30

Last season, DA GAWD explicitly instructed Gerald not to try and be GAWD. His solution? Be the Sauce GOHD of Failed TE's. Kyle Rudolph put up a whopping donut and so did the Cleaveland D. I wish I could diss your team more but I miraculously managed to score less than you. Since this recap is written when time and space meet at the same point, I wonder how you'll fare the rest of the season with Bum Shoulder Bell and Time-Share Jones. On the bright side you still got some support in the other spots and you'll always have a use in this league for providing those pics. But since you've disobeyed me TWICE and deflect to some false idol, you'll suffer in this RB hell your team is in.



I'm sure Ian has plenty of tales to bring back to us from The Void. It looks like he learned how to channel the dark arts and started an optimal lineup that consisted of stars from yester-year and the future of QB'ing. There's isn't a single thing you should have done differently this week besides draw the ire of DA GAWD. At first I thought you had the major cajones to start Shady with someone else more worthy of the spot but then I saw the list of 'wait and see' RBs you got stacked. While I'm debating if resurrecting you was a good idea, it seems you'll at least draw the attention away from DA GAWD while he forms a comeback in his mortal form. Way to come out the gate strong, its gonna be an interesting 8 weeks til your other players will/won't play.



FlaccOFF 145.40 vs This Team Iz Running Backs 137.05

Gordon, this match-up would've been fun to keep track of if I wasn't drowning my lowly league wide sorrows. I can't imagine the feelings of regret while watching "Camp MVP" Curtis Samuel look like "Camp Crystal Lake". I too was fooled by the reports of those that know less than DA GAWD. With an absolute stable of running backs at your disposal, they came out looking like ponies. While I don't think this type of performance will be the norm, you better stop thinking "Gaucho back" and "Getcho (rhyme it, I'm tired)".  Maybe you'll get the last laugh later in the season, but at least your point total this week says you can make a strong run for the playoffs.



So you came here to read a recap on how you won week 1 after making the most ball-less transaction known to fantasy football? Nah. This space is reserved as a warning for EVERYONE in the league believing that the Bengals of the Game of Throwns league has a shot this year. More-over, you should all be ashamed to have even allowed such transgressions to take place in your selfish plans to de-throne DA GAWD. 'Quiz' time. How far do you all think this dude will get in the playoffs with his boom or bust style of WR? How long until Kelce goes down with a devastating knee injury. When (not if) I want everyone to retweet this single recap and send it to Travis Kelce so that Quis can personally apologize to him for the plagues that lay ahead. Oh yeah, congrats on your win.



Green Eggs and SAM 124.25 vs No One 159.10

Somehow, I think the shenanigans of Week 1 rest solely on Eddie's shoulders. By taking CMC out of order, the entire universe tore in two. As a result, he ONLY had CMC perform for the week. Diggs and Robby Anderson were no where in sight. Hunter Henry drifted off into the land of misfit TE's. Eddie's team is literally hinged upon CMC playing every snap, for every game, including bye weeks. While I thought it was rough for DA GAWD to start the season, this team looks like there's no hope. I can only say you should never let Hector sit next to you again during draft day. Rumor has it, CMC was found crying outside Eddie's house on Tuesday like this:



Jesus, you're a solid drafter. Its one of the main reasons I faltered on several occasions as you snaked the very players that I would take next. This kept DA GAWD on a pivot and he had to make snap judgments. With a solid quad consisting of two dynamic QBs and two WR1s you're gonna be tough to handle down the road. Its a nice bounce-back after falling short of the glory in 2017. I'm starting to re-think moving the hurricane out of your way. This draft could have been totally different a week early with no liquor. Maybe hurricanes are your good luck charm to a solid draft. Miami must've been a good move for you - unlike Fitztragic. Good job on Week 1.



HOP off deez nuks 151.85 vs SuperCrack 147.15

Between you and Shorty, I'm convinced ya'll siphoned some of the better playing prowess from the rest of the league like the Mon-stars. Trav, you came out the gate Week 1 like this was your last chance to be part of something great. Like you wanted to see bacon cook on a grill again. Like you belong in this league of titans. If only you sat Agholor, you could've opened up Week 1 with your first win in what feels like decades. Looks like you got your big boy pants on and your ready to compete. Rough loss, but good play.



Shorty, welcome to your first Week 1 win in what seems like 3 years. With a renewed team name and the right Patriots RB, it looks like I can't enjoy your wacky highlight reels of close losses and let downs. You've blossomed from a cocoon of carelessness to a full fledged winning fantasy team. Word on the street is that your Black and I haven't fully processed all of that info yet. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing til I figure out how to throw this into the theme of your recaps.



BUCeMDOWN 150.35 vs DA mortal 94.30

Looks like Hector's been waiting WEEKS for this moment to try and bring DA GAWD down a planet. After sitting next to Eddie and siphoning his fantasy wisdom like a weed-headed Shang Tsung, Hector managed to draft a very impressive team that took down the immortal GAWD. With every long stare at his phone while driving, he went into a trance-like state seeing the victory before him. While I saw the stutter step of caution from the Antonio Brown drama, Hector remained vigilant and managed to put everything DA GAWD knows into question. What makes it worse is that DA GAWD lost to someone that had the vision to snake Alvin Kamara away but CAN'T TELL THAT GRUDEN DOESN'T HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS:



Dear me/Him, I got questions and I need answers. How could I be set up to lose in all my leagues. Maybe its because I removed the G from my moniker that earned me this L. Maybe Juan put the Juju out there to shake up the league by having everyone change names. While tending to a coveted donut, I was ambushed and bamboozled. Now that I've been knocked back into this filthy dimension of fork-tongued beguilers, miscreants and ne'er-do-wells, it's time for Da Gawd to right the course and have you remember how I earned this moniker. You're all on notice.



#Amen