Devil is a Lie (Week 10)

“And the beast was given a mouth uttering haughty and blasphemous words, and it was allowed to exercise authority for forty-two months” - Da Good Book

Lord have mercy on your pitiful Week 10 performances. We had two matchups decided by less than a point on Monday night. Da preached not to set trip on a Sunday or you gon' get played Monday. Maybe you window lickers are too dumb to realize things, but there’s only A FEW MUTHAFUCKIN WEEKS TIL THE PLAYOFFS. The race for the chip is tighter than Ed’s sphincter on Monday night. With 5 teams at 5-5 and Beard hangin’ on by his point total, there’s little room for error. Let’s review how you bitches squandered opportunities for the 50-11th time.

SeeingRed 111.80 vs PlagueDodger 112.25

Ed, please explain to the jury how the fuck you managed to start the wrong players from the same games? Humphries instead of Doug Martin and Hunter Henry instead of Sammy Watkins. Jared Goff been goin’ off and you put your playoff hopes in the hands of the 4th WR that has the BACKUP throwin to him. You gettin’ your research from the tabloids in the checkout lines or somethin? Just when you started actin’ like a real GM, you went full retard on your squad. I hope this loss stays with you even in the offseason.

As guessed, this was the game of the week. Hector, I don’t know how you gettin’ wins the last two weeks. I mean, we know you got some serious help during Gerald’s meltdown and that dumbass trade, but you on borrowed time playa. Lucky for you, you’ll probably make the playoffs. Unlucky for you, you’re gonna hold on to Jordy Nelson like an idiot thinking things will get better in Green Bay. The fall for you is gonna be harder the longer you dodge these plagues.

2015 Pete Carroll 103.90 vs No One 104.10

2 yards my nigga? 2 yards was all that separated you between the playoff bound and mediocrity? Da GAWD can’t be more pleased in this failure. After last year’s hopes in Will Fuller and the “All he does is score touchdowns” you no longer believed in him. The same Will Fuller that could’ve got you the win. The same Will Fuller that you can no longer use because,AS PROPHESIED, dat nigga hurt. I mean damn. Don’t worry though, your punishment is gonna be more severe as you get even closer and miss the playoffs.

Jesus, you were at the wheel the whole time right? The one week when your entire squad was on bye, you managed to get the win. If the rest of the league didn’t know, this was the ONE week he was supposed to go down (besides that loss to Da GAWD he suffered early in the season). This season, you puttin the real Adam Schefter to shame. In the meantime, start bookin’ your flight for NJ around Christmas - its better for you to see Da GAWD in all his glory as he holds the trophy. Destiny for the playoffs is in your hands.

Shit Show 105.50 vs Finally Got A STREAK 168.60

G, good job for having the self respect to diss your own squad. This isn’t an entire meltdown, but Da GAWD don’t understand the panic of last week. Now is the time for fear. Luckily you dodged the trade for Freeman since AP still has SOME hope. But now the schedule gettin colder, the devil on your shoulder, and the weak are gettin bolder. The blessings that have been bestowed on you this season have come to an end. Stay blessed even in the dark days of the playoff race.

Everyone’s feel good story of the season. After crying memes lookin for RBs and not giving a shit about his team, Shorty is finally at that point in the movie when everything’s lookin up. He’s at the point where he escaped from the Demogorgon dogs, and running through the building. But Week 13 is gonna be the point he pauses. He looks at the playoffs and smiles, and then gets MAULED by the Demogorgons as his wife screams in terror that she won’t get that newlywed bag she wanted. ANYWAY, enjoy the win Rudy, you deserve it.

Hangin’ w/Hernandez 137.50 vs Juan 116.40

I honestly don’t know why I still write your recaps. There’s nothing redeeming about your team. No matter how many points you put up, we all know you (Juan) set up this team for a free win against your other team. This matchup was like the kids that would make a super team and play the computer and think “I’m good”. Its just so sad to see such production wasted. You couldn’t even use this point total to play spoiler to someone. Instead, your gonna manage to give Beard a playoff spot or somethin.

Juan, the same above goes for you. How you manage to put up points at the worst time is amusing, but this Juanathan thing is getting outta hand. Next time ya’ll cuddled up near the fire drinking cosmo’s, tell him you’ll give him a handy if he at least posts in the chat.

Lost Lobos 130.05 vs (I don’t know how I feel about this name yet) 138.95

1 player away from a victory and the breath of life for playoff hopes huh? At least you got some company with you in last place since you and the two Juan’s are tied for last. For your dignity sake, don’t come in last. You AT LEAST managed to find the right team in the app to start some decent players. Maybe have a side bet with the other bottom feeders, but make it 2-1 odds since Juan counts as two. Its been a rough year, but at least its almost over and you can put this shit behind you.

Rich, congratulations on beating last place. After Da GAWD brought you back to Earth, you had to get a moral victory to know you won. Its like you just broke up with winning and then had to just smash losing to get your confidence back. But remember, you’re still 1 loss away from being right back out the playoffs and this little victory should be short lived. Why you’re still expecting Austin Hooper to keep producing is beyond me, but Da GAWD don’t interfere with free will. Just promise me you’ll out the playoffs so I don’t have to write your name in for the playoff recaps.

Weird in the North 113.70 vs The Almighty GAWD 119.15

For a team 2nd in points, you all must be wondering how he managed to put up a lowly 113. Let Da GAWD fill you amateurs in on a lil somethin. Beard had no shot against the aura of blessings that surrounds Da GAWD’s squad. Analysts predicted a major revenge game for the Jets and Bucs QBs. Then Da GAWD sent up the holiest of prayers after leaving Thomas Rawls in the lineup. What proceeded next was a Lockett and Kroft meltdown. Beard its been a rough season, but you weren’t prepared for the war wit DA GAWD. Stick to watchin' GoT and a warm snuggie. Its cold outside the playoffs.

Da GAWD gotta admit this wasn’t an easy win. But the way ya’ll been plottin’ on his downfall is more energy for the success. Ya’ll thought 2nd place points was gonna take me out. DA GAWD fucked the league raw when he came in it. You sent your devils to bring me back to mortal levels but it ain't happenin'. You couldn’t stop him if you tried. The competition want Da GAWD dead or alive. Bow ya heads and get ready to pay ya tithes……….CAUSE THE DEVIL IS LIEE!!!!!!

#Amen

Idols Become Rivals (Week 9)

Now I stopped by to tell ya, you got ta make up in yo mind…. you gonna trust in GAWD? or you gonna trust in..the lames. You gonna trust in GAWD? or you gonna trust in….the lame names? You gonna trust in GAWD? Are you gonna make up yo mind, to trust in those GM’s that ONE DAY will perish. So therefore brothers and bitches, you got to make up in yo mind….are you gonna trust DA GAWD? Because you cannot go to WAR against DA GAWD. Chasin’ the chip, brother sometimes, your idols become yo rivals. Let’s get to it.

ANOTHA LOSS 83.80 vs GanGreen 111.65

The bye-week’s did you dirty this week G. I can’t believe you were better off not starting a kicker OR defense. You would have GAINED 7 points between those two positions. I get that we didn’t expect you to win this week, but you gotta play to WIN  come in 3rd. As a faithful disciple, I can only say you’ll be in the money- just not the big money. Stay blessed for the haters.

Ed, don’t be proud to be a bye-week bully. Gerald had no choice but to lose to you. You luckily snaked Chris Ivory for a quick 13 pts. Had Gerald not Plax’d himself, you could’ve been in serious trouble. Either way, I’m happy you turned your sorry excuse for a team into something worth worrying about. If you keep this up, I can grant you a quick death in the playoffs and you’ll be wrapping presents by 4 pm.

SitTheFucDown 77.15 vs 165.10 Beard in the North

Just when I thought you were all out of tricks, you managed to get the lowest point total of the SEASON. Not the week. Not the month. The muthafuckin’ season. Hector, I let you know you were a demi-gawd early on. After taking Da GAWD’s name in vain, you ruined the playoff hopes of EVERYONE attached to Aaron Rodgers. And this week alone, you got people giving up on Mike Evans. Best believe we smell the fear in your trades and smells like the piss runnin down your legs after the beating you took. You can’t trade your way to a better team and you can’t shuffle around the chairs on the deck of the titanic - the shit is still gonna fail. So just like the puppy in this gif, you ain’t big enough to get to the top. Now see your way out a playoff spot.

Beard, I knew you had it in you. After being 3rd in pts but 8th in the league, I knew you’d blow up at just the right time. When Matt Forte got his first TD, DA GAWD sent the blessings for “Anotha One”. By Thursday night, Hector made plans for NEXT Sunday. I bet you've been waiting on this ALL SEASON to show that you could get some wins again. Now I’m not saying you’re making the playoffs, cause you might do some dumb shit. But you’re well on your way - after losing to Da GAWD for the 2nd time, of course.

Lost Lobos 97.05 vs jonathan’s Team 126.55

Can someone tell me where Ian is? After going MIA on his team and the chat and THEN squeaking out a win, he’s on the back of a milk carton again. Had he started Beasely and Williams he had a shot at beating the other dumpster fire in the league. But no. He just HAD to get that lucky win against Da GAWD. Keep playing “will they, won’t they” with Zeke as you just wait til the 2018 season, cause this one’s a wrap.

Jonathan, I don’t know why I bother writing your recaps. You’re not real. You’ve been Juan’s imaginary friend since 3rd grade and no matter how many times he writes your name down (without a capital J) you won’t magically win and become a real boy. I can’t give props to a team that don’t exist. Holla at Da GAWD when Juan cuts your strings pinocchio.

Aaron Out of Collarbones 123.60 vs Rudy 128.05

We know...how could Ertz say he’s not gonna right before a game I’m supposed to win? How can I lose Will Fuller production just as I scream “ALL HE DOES IS GET TD’S”? Da GAWD. That’s the only answer Quis. Da GAWD foretold of having Fuller production for 2 weeks AT BEST. DA GAWD FORETOLD that Jeffrey would blow up against an elite secondary. But don’t trip. Now’s not the time for fear…...that comes later.

SHORTY WIT THE BIG WIN. What I tell you Shorty? You had this in the bag once Da GAWD threw up the prayers for Brees. Real talk, you bout to be the underdog of the league. There’s a old black man waiting to give you the advice of your fantasy life so you can go out and get that 1 playoff win. Da GAWD wants to thank you for doin’ Da LAWD’s work. So go out and celebrate.

Hangin’ w/ jonathan’s TEAM 112.50 vs No One 125.05

Juan, do you really want me to write your recap? You can just re-play the “highlights” of the Giants season and that’ll tell the full story. Da GAWD was listening to sports radio the other day and he couldn’t if they were talkin about the Giants or Juan. “Should the team just scrap this season and think about the future”? “Should the team try to re-sign Odell or go for a whole new look” “Should this team stop suckin’ dick?”....nevermind, there’s the mojo to diss you. Anyway, your spoiler abilities rely on the Giants winning. This season been out your hands since we drafted early.

Jesus, I’d say you dodged some bullets but you really didn’t. Juan don’t have the foresight to start Robert Woods against his shitty Giants and DAMN SURE don’t even know who A.Derby is. Remember, this was the same dude that thought Trevor Dickmilk was a viable QB option at one point. But winnin’s nothin new for you this season right? You’ve got 200 pts the person with 2nd highest points so you should breeze to that bye week. Just remember these days when DA GAWD sees you.

Da Dick 121.65 vs DA GAWD 132.55

Rich’s squad was a 14 pts favorite going into the week. Yahoo AND Rich thought Da GAWD was a fake and not destined for this magnificent victory. More than that, I’ve never seen a worse plague than Jared Goff on the bench while Da GAWD skates to another victory. The real fake news this week is how you're gonna make it back into a playoff spot.

This is a public service announcement for all you non-believers that think DA GAWD ain’t winnin’ the chip. The eclipse foretold of the glorious day that DA GAWD will rise above and be adorned with the chip. There will be nothing to stop it. Not a single one of you will be able to prevent the meltdowns that your team experiences when facing DA GAWD.

#Amen  

Heavy Heart (Week 8)

Heavy Heart (Week 8)

I gave this league everything I got. Always kept it real from the very start. Niggas ain’t thorough like I always thought. Damn…...this week left me with a heavy heart. Niggas plot on every win I got. I kept it trill from the very start. Seen so many teams cross me, I don’t know where to start. But let’s get into this recap you bitches been beggin’ for. Cause I’m bout to cut the grass and expose you snakes for the pathetic GM’s you are.

Pumpkin Gang  95.30 vs Aaron Out My Nelson 154.15

Ed, I tried lookin back at your roster to see where your autism flared up but I couldn’t find it. It was simply a case of the bye weeks, injuries, and Julio playing like a mortal for the 7th fucking week in a row. Da Gawd wanted to bless you with a win but it wasn’t in the cards. After failing Da Gawd’s plans of demoralizing Quis, you’re squad is useless to me. While you've made a run out of the dumps of the league, you're back to a pumpkin. I think the image below sums up the week so far.

Despite benching the #TE1 of the week, you managed to get a high point total from ya boy Will Fuller. Da GAWD coulda traded for em, but I didn’t want to fall into the mindgames of last year’s trade for Fuller. Then again, Da GAWD’s prophecy has now came true as of today. Deshaun Watson is down. While my all-knowing oracle abilities predicted an injury to Fuller, a Deshaun Watson injury will do. Da GAWD has issued plagues across the league and you weren’t spared. Just remember when it was all good…….. ABOUT A WEEK AGO!

Loser in the North 97.40 vs ANOTHA WON 121.65

Adam, Da Gawd can’t make sense of the gm decisions you out here making. You STILL startin’ TY Hilton over #1 option in Detroit, “Livin’ my life like its Golden” Tate? We know you preppin’ for winter and all but I mean…….how early you wanna be in the cold of the playoff race. The week before, you were chasin’ Austin Hooper points like this the Falcons of 2016. Either get righ, get back, or get the fuck out the way because REAL teams are tryin’ to compete. AND STOP LETTIN’ YOUR BENCH PLAYERS HAVE MORE LIFE THAN THE STARTERS!

My G! ANOTHA victory with your back against the wall during the bye weeks. Why you still believe in old ass Jason Witten, I’ll never know….but a win is a win. Staying in the hunt is keepin’ your repeat hopes alive. Like Da GAWD been tellin you all season, stay blessed. You may not win the chip, but your faith gonna at LEAST let you win some money back. Continue the crusade of teachin’ this scrubs who DA GAWD is.  

Finally Ended the Streak 103.75 vs  Giant’s Spirit Animal 153.50

Shorty, the win streak stopped quickly. Just when you thought you had some life and could stop boo lovin’ wit the wife, your squad stalled out. We all know your squad is in the dumps. Why you insist on trying is beyond me. You ain’t Rudy and there ain’t no magic Black man (except Da GAWD) that can save your pathetic team. When you got players like Isiah Crowell ballin’ on the bench while you had to start a 2nd string Oakland RB, you know times is hard. Now if you come to the Light of Genesis, you might have a shot at JUST missing the playoffs. Until then, give up.

Juan, I been tellin you all season how your fantasy hopes are tied to the success of the Giants. Since they were on a bye, you managed to produce a good week and TIE for last. I’d tell you to give up and cash in those Wendy’s fries, but I think you’re missing too many chromosomes to do it. If you think JuJu Fruit Smith-Schuster gonna keep ballin’ you got another baby comin. Until then, hug your kids, kiss your wife, and tell them the presents are gonna be light this year without a chip.

Juanthan’s Team 105.15 vs Flame On 187.90

Its been 8 weeks and I’m convinced that Juan Jonathan just been doubling up on his losses til this point. I know Da Gawd’s Eagles have the best record in the league, but it ain’t from the entire offense you got on your squad. How many times Blount gotta let you down? How many times you gonna choose between Agholor and Torrey Smith? You and your squad is non-existent and I don’t know how this pathetic league puts up with you joining. Just make a trade or trick somebody into taking over your squad. P.S. my bad for tellin you to start Torrey Smith but it looks like the outcome was the same.

Jesus, you’ve been absolutely on fire with whomever you start. Just when Juanathan thought he was gonna catch a break after Miami’s pisspoor showing, you Johnny Blazed em. After witnessing the Astros win the World Series, I’m convinced that the victims of natural disasters are due for championship level performances. FYI, I’m not talkin’ about the hurricanes you caught - I’m talkin the natural disaster that was your team last year. Congrats on top points of the week.

The Worst Name in the League 125.00 vs ShutTheBucUp 137.40

Rich Dick (I think that’s the more appropriate nickname for Richard), this matchup was actually fun to watch. Da Gawd pegged you to be the winner and then you started blaspheming Da GAWD’s name in vain. Low and behold, the error of your ways caught up with you. Starting Benny fuckin’ Fowler over Alex ‘Riverdance’ Collins made no sense. Then again, it doesn’t make sense you’re using a TE from the niners. Either way, you’re still shit, no one likes your fantasy name, and you ain’t shit. Good luck testin’ Da GAWD week 9.

Buc, you did it. You came from behind. You did the unthinkable and survived Da GAWD’s plagues thanks to your opponent's non-believing ways. Does Da GAWD think you can earn some wins with a declining Jordy Nelson, a 2 week at best Alfred Morris, and BUCK ‘fumble at the goal line’ Allen? Not really. But you just might make the playoffs. Until then, keep scrounging around in the waiver wire.

The Walking Dead 124.95 vs Da GAWD 124.35

Da GAWD wants everyone to know that it took a group effort to try an defeat him. Through the help of the commish, the devil, and a few phone calls, Ian’s team managed to put up JUST ENOUGH points to effectively win. Do I think the league colluded against Da GAWD? Of course. Am I still waiting on the stat correction? You betcha. But if you think this keeps Da GAWD awake at night then you must lick windows for fun. Now this don’t mean that Ian can make a comeback because the plague has now taken effect and Zeke is done for real this time. Maybe it was time to see exactly how much hope you had left JUST to snatch it away.

Either way, Da GAWD don’t give a fuck and he’s still bound to win the chip. As the first disciple said himself, “Seeds 4-6 got the best chance at winnin’ the chip”

#Amen