How? (Week 2)

I hope you bitches are just enjoying the shenanigans going on in Week 2. We saw some correction happen with some teams while some others continued to do more of the same. Moreover, it looks like you fair-weather fans have pivoted to a knew source for your recaps. All the laughs with non of the creativity. I guess yall would rather have 30 second microwaved steak'ums than the dry-aged filet mignon steaks known as DA GAWD'S RECAPS. Let's review how everyone did.

Hop off Deez Nuks 89.55 vs No One 169.35

I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same. With a new team name, I thought you might've changed things. Looks like Shorty is who we thought he was the whole time - an impostor. Not only is he a Black guy passing as Dominican (a la Gerald), he also thought he shook off the stench of not meeting expectations. With Njoku out, and starting the wrong Houston RB, I don't know how you're future doesn't remind me of that "Lights, Kamara, Action" season. You earned in Oscar for that standout performance as a winning team in Week 1.



Week 2 came and Jesus clocked in and out like a regular day at the office. Another strong performance on the books with the Patriots D leading the way. The good thing about your team is going to be watching you agonize over who to start each week. Hopefully the decisions will fill you with anxiety to the point that you curl into a fetal position and pray that you don't get the promise of a chip ripped away from you in final game of the season. I'll be there to deliver that promise, so don't let this slow start for DA GAWD confuse you.



BucEmDown 90.65 vs Green Eggs and SAM 135.10

What goes up must come down  Bucdown. After rolling up and smoking the leftover remains of Jason Witten's hair to analyze a proper draft strategy, your dastardly ways have caught up to you. I told you on draft day to leave Kamara alone so that I could draft him and you know what? he gave you 7 measely points. Then his QB goes down. Now AB trying outrun misconduct allegations like Rocky outran them kids. Where's Mark Ingram? Where's Alshon?? You're plagues have now been set. May you wake up every Sunday in a cold sweat worried about who's next. #Amen



Eddie, congratulations on delivering a dish best served green. Maybe you had him join you in those other dummy league's to get him off your pattern. Maybe this was all a setup for you have him draft players that you knew he'd be too high to notice the talent from. Either way. when everyone doubted your team's ability outside of CMC, you left em in. Who cares if you got the avatar of a QB that could catch chicken pox if he's around a daycare - you believed and you won. Keep that momentum going and keep believing in this ragtag bunch.



FlacOFF 98.30 vs Los Lobos 184.15

It has BEGUN. We're now in the second week and the first casualty from your ill-gotten gains has emerged. Drew Bress; perennial maker of playoff fantasy teams, is gone for 6 weeks (maybe more depending on how I want this plague to play out between you and Eddie). Then after you thought you were slick in delivering DJax in that trojan horse trade, you picked him back and STARTED him. You must've thought "I'm about to show them all how stupid Randall was to let him go after that trade. It'll be like I gave away nothing for Kelce". And BOOM out. If you plan on salvaging any bit of money from this league this season, I suggest you continue betting on the side - its the only thing you'll be happy with for this football season. Until you repent, you are heretofore cursed. #Amen.



Following up Week 1's dominating performance, it looks like Lobos is delivering on that promise he made in the chat. Laying waste to DA GAWD's mortal enemies is a great way to secure a place in Valhalla and earn an opportunity to compete for the coveted chip. Keep in mind that this score could've been even higher had Lobos let Sanders start. This team is seriously starting to raise my eyebrows but I have internal issues to attend to. Since you'll go toe to toe with Da GAWD Week 3, I think I'll allow another win. DA GAWD has plans for a Week 4-10 montage for the record books. Until then, keep sitting comfortable in the drivers seat to the chip and a bye week.



FalseProphits 118.30 vs SuperCRACK 163.50

Just when I thought that all that hatred and training you did in the off-season paid off, you go ahead do something like starting Sutton over DJ Moore. Now I'm no mathematician or some acrobat of arithmetic, but how could the lowly offense of the Broncos compare to half the arm of Pam Newton and DJ Moore? I know, the Broncos will EVENTUALLY throw, but starting Sutton was pure gambling without accessing risk. This is but one of a few losses so I don't think they'll be repeated mental lapses like this but get it together. We gotta make it seem like Trav is earning his way into a playoff spot.



Look what we have here. Third highest points of the week from none other than the bacon whisperer. I'm starting to think you avoid the chat and simply read up player stats and are dedicating your 2nd chance to proving us wrong for kicking you out. You're really taking this opportunity to show that you're making the right decisions on paper every week. Sure Agholor left a bunch of points of the bench, but that's because you didn't expect my plagues to attack the other receivers on the squad. If I didn't know any better, you'll be at a 8th grade reading level, keeping up with the chat AND making the playoffs.



Sauce GHOD 118.25 vs Antonio Brownderez 123.35

This race to the bottom must've been tough to watch on Sunday and Monday night. After starting Amendola like he got Jax's robotic shoulders and its 2011, Gerald had to climb out of a huge hole. Now I'm not saying you should've started last year's 1k breakout rusher over the worst parts of Wes Welker and Julian Edelman, but Corey Davis is STILL a #1 option on the non-throwing Titans and he still would've got you the win. After that, there's not much else for me to say. While I charge up my energy to leave you down here in the swampy parts of this league, just remember this type of advice that I've given you.



Juan, that floating head recap you provided is a direct correlation to how you're treating your fantasy team. While you may have gotten a win despite multiple -4 points, you're still lackin'. You lack the ability to have a backup QB. As I tried to warn you all off-season, I'm going to give you one more piece of advice since you at least made the effort to feed these children a half-baked recap story. Aaron Rodgers will go down by Week 6. Plan accordingly.



This Team Iz America 134.85 vs DA GAWD 132.80

Gordon, this is now the third season where you've managed to beat me in a regular season game. I guess I should have seen this coming. While you were gallivanting at weddings and enjoying yourself, you seemed to have forgotten the fact that we have kickers in this league. At one point I thought you were trying to join in on the opportunity to kick DA GAWD while he's mortal, but you legit didn't pick one up. I hope your sacrifice of Crowder for this win was worth it.



Another week, another loss. Another late recap. Another disgusting mortal existence. These things you flesh bags call emotions are the worst. Ain't been happy in a while. I be starin’ in the mirror tryin' to force myself to smile. Can't keep blaming everybody, people do what you allow and don’t ask me how I feel cause I'm responding back with "how?" How the fuck I'm supposed to feel when I ain't got no running backs? How the hell I'm supposed to trust trades when people out here settin' traps? But I've now become comfortable in this level. I'm letting the fuel of each loss grow my hunger for more. Victory has made me lazy and content. These losses are just what DA GAWD needed.

#Amen

Devil's Work (Week 1)

Welcome back to the reason y'all abandon your significant others and families. We waited a long time for the opportunity to showcase our predictions and amazing shit talking abilities. As your host this season, buckle up for the turbulent times laid before us. Week 1 cannot be explained with a rational mind. Just remember that turbulence is the price you'll all pay now that DA GAWD has to defend his title in a filthy realm of fork-tongued beguilers, miscreants and ne'er-do-wells. Without further ado, let's review the week that got y'all announcing new kings and denouncing the mover of hurricanes, the bringer of plagues, DA GAWD himself.

Antonio Brownderez 115.85 vs falseProfits 143.60

All off-season, Juan couldn't stop thinking of ways to get back at DA GAWD for taking the chip. He kept re-using memes (damn near daily) for a player that he named his team after.......THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN DRAFT. Funny enough, it was a receiver that could have turned the tide in this match-up. Sammy Watkins....the number 1 receiver in Fantasy Football Week 1 lay dormant on Juan's bench. Maybe its due to my own Week 1 L's but this one had to hurt. Da GAWD predicts Juan struggling with the 'will he won't he' start him each week for Watkins until Hill gets back. It'll be his new Sunday/Monday Night frights. Shake this off and come back ready for Week 2.



Back from the dead, Adam has resurrected his failed defending title tour and turned in a solid Week 1. When DA GAWD looked down from Olympus, he saw the determination and grit on Adam's face as he worked out like the montage from Rocky IV. With every push-up, he counted the rankings for the players he intended to draft. While Jameis was a misstep, it didn't matter since there's plenty of QBs (for now) to go around. Will the result of this solid lineup withstand the better prepared defenses of Week 2? DA GAWD predicts a playoff berth for Adam but nothing more. You're attempt to use DA INFINIDY GAWNLET against DA GAWD will be futile.




Sauce GOHD 114.35 vs Los Lazarus 177.30

Last season, DA GAWD explicitly instructed Gerald not to try and be GAWD. His solution? Be the Sauce GOHD of Failed TE's. Kyle Rudolph put up a whopping donut and so did the Cleaveland D. I wish I could diss your team more but I miraculously managed to score less than you. Since this recap is written when time and space meet at the same point, I wonder how you'll fare the rest of the season with Bum Shoulder Bell and Time-Share Jones. On the bright side you still got some support in the other spots and you'll always have a use in this league for providing those pics. But since you've disobeyed me TWICE and deflect to some false idol, you'll suffer in this RB hell your team is in.



I'm sure Ian has plenty of tales to bring back to us from The Void. It looks like he learned how to channel the dark arts and started an optimal lineup that consisted of stars from yester-year and the future of QB'ing. There's isn't a single thing you should have done differently this week besides draw the ire of DA GAWD. At first I thought you had the major cajones to start Shady with someone else more worthy of the spot but then I saw the list of 'wait and see' RBs you got stacked. While I'm debating if resurrecting you was a good idea, it seems you'll at least draw the attention away from DA GAWD while he forms a comeback in his mortal form. Way to come out the gate strong, its gonna be an interesting 8 weeks til your other players will/won't play.



FlaccOFF 145.40 vs This Team Iz Running Backs 137.05

Gordon, this match-up would've been fun to keep track of if I wasn't drowning my lowly league wide sorrows. I can't imagine the feelings of regret while watching "Camp MVP" Curtis Samuel look like "Camp Crystal Lake". I too was fooled by the reports of those that know less than DA GAWD. With an absolute stable of running backs at your disposal, they came out looking like ponies. While I don't think this type of performance will be the norm, you better stop thinking "Gaucho back" and "Getcho (rhyme it, I'm tired)".  Maybe you'll get the last laugh later in the season, but at least your point total this week says you can make a strong run for the playoffs.



So you came here to read a recap on how you won week 1 after making the most ball-less transaction known to fantasy football? Nah. This space is reserved as a warning for EVERYONE in the league believing that the Bengals of the Game of Throwns league has a shot this year. More-over, you should all be ashamed to have even allowed such transgressions to take place in your selfish plans to de-throne DA GAWD. 'Quiz' time. How far do you all think this dude will get in the playoffs with his boom or bust style of WR? How long until Kelce goes down with a devastating knee injury. When (not if) I want everyone to retweet this single recap and send it to Travis Kelce so that Quis can personally apologize to him for the plagues that lay ahead. Oh yeah, congrats on your win.



Green Eggs and SAM 124.25 vs No One 159.10

Somehow, I think the shenanigans of Week 1 rest solely on Eddie's shoulders. By taking CMC out of order, the entire universe tore in two. As a result, he ONLY had CMC perform for the week. Diggs and Robby Anderson were no where in sight. Hunter Henry drifted off into the land of misfit TE's. Eddie's team is literally hinged upon CMC playing every snap, for every game, including bye weeks. While I thought it was rough for DA GAWD to start the season, this team looks like there's no hope. I can only say you should never let Hector sit next to you again during draft day. Rumor has it, CMC was found crying outside Eddie's house on Tuesday like this:



Jesus, you're a solid drafter. Its one of the main reasons I faltered on several occasions as you snaked the very players that I would take next. This kept DA GAWD on a pivot and he had to make snap judgments. With a solid quad consisting of two dynamic QBs and two WR1s you're gonna be tough to handle down the road. Its a nice bounce-back after falling short of the glory in 2017. I'm starting to re-think moving the hurricane out of your way. This draft could have been totally different a week early with no liquor. Maybe hurricanes are your good luck charm to a solid draft. Miami must've been a good move for you - unlike Fitztragic. Good job on Week 1.



HOP off deez nuks 151.85 vs SuperCrack 147.15

Between you and Shorty, I'm convinced ya'll siphoned some of the better playing prowess from the rest of the league like the Mon-stars. Trav, you came out the gate Week 1 like this was your last chance to be part of something great. Like you wanted to see bacon cook on a grill again. Like you belong in this league of titans. If only you sat Agholor, you could've opened up Week 1 with your first win in what feels like decades. Looks like you got your big boy pants on and your ready to compete. Rough loss, but good play.



Shorty, welcome to your first Week 1 win in what seems like 3 years. With a renewed team name and the right Patriots RB, it looks like I can't enjoy your wacky highlight reels of close losses and let downs. You've blossomed from a cocoon of carelessness to a full fledged winning fantasy team. Word on the street is that your Black and I haven't fully processed all of that info yet. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing til I figure out how to throw this into the theme of your recaps.



BUCeMDOWN 150.35 vs DA mortal 94.30

Looks like Hector's been waiting WEEKS for this moment to try and bring DA GAWD down a planet. After sitting next to Eddie and siphoning his fantasy wisdom like a weed-headed Shang Tsung, Hector managed to draft a very impressive team that took down the immortal GAWD. With every long stare at his phone while driving, he went into a trance-like state seeing the victory before him. While I saw the stutter step of caution from the Antonio Brown drama, Hector remained vigilant and managed to put everything DA GAWD knows into question. What makes it worse is that DA GAWD lost to someone that had the vision to snake Alvin Kamara away but CAN'T TELL THAT GRUDEN DOESN'T HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS:



Dear me/Him, I got questions and I need answers. How could I be set up to lose in all my leagues. Maybe its because I removed the G from my moniker that earned me this L. Maybe Juan put the Juju out there to shake up the league by having everyone change names. While tending to a coveted donut, I was ambushed and bamboozled. Now that I've been knocked back into this filthy dimension of fork-tongued beguilers, miscreants and ne'er-do-wells, it's time for Da Gawd to right the course and have you remember how I earned this moniker. You're all on notice.



#Amen

Going Bad (Week 15)

Week 15 came and the intensity has increased. The pressure of a 1000 elephants has been put on your teams. While some were reduced to rubble, others changed from coal to diamonds. The final four showed us who were the contenders and who the pretenders. I'm not going to give you guys a bunch a hooplah about the season. Instead, let's focus on how these two matchups played out.

Saquon my balls 111.05 vs This Team Iz America 102.95

Gordon, using Currensy's Full Metal song as your battle theme for a comeback was creative. I had to find out what scene in Full Metal Alchemist that the sample came from. Brings a tear to my eye to see how you almost resurrected your team's soul while its was standing at the gates of hell. It almost happened too when CMC had to throw a 50 yd TD. I really wanted you to win this week for very selfish reasons though. I wanted to be the one to knock you out. Unfortunately, the combination of James Conner, James White, and the Giants forgetting what defense (or offense) looks like has preventing you from reaching that higher level.

See I held on to a picture of you sleeping with drool on the hand for an occasion just like this. You fell asleep at the wheel while having Mike Williams on the bench. You drafted so well when everyone thought you were just joking around with your picks. At times, I thought it was ridiculous but you proved everyone you had the love for Fantasy Football to put together a strong squad. Rough way to go homie. Thanks again for Kareem Hunt - the trifecta wouldn't have been a thing without him. Hopefully you enjoyed the ride this season.

Juan, out of all the mortals in these league, it is only YOU that has believed in the powers that Da GAWD exhibits. For such faith, you've been granted access to the coveted Championship. Each week on Sunday Night or Monday Night - you had to pray, let go and let GAWD. Through all the turmoil and sleepless nights, you've been blessed with the opportunity to come away this season with second place. Week 15 was no different. Your night opened up with CMC throwing the TD that Cam should've thrown. But instead of panicking, you simply went to sleep (as usual) to avoid the massacre that could've happened.

Count these blessings you've seen this season as they will keep you warm. Others in this league could use this type of faith for next season as they plan for ways to get to second place like you. I'll take it easy on you in Week 16.



Special Ed 142.00 vs DA GAWD Corleone 181.25

Ed, I took great pleasure in watching your futile attempts to stop me. This finale was set in motion since Week 3. Back on September 18th, you accepted a John Brown trade for Derrick Henry. You laughed and thought "got em; Derrick Henry won't be shit". Little did you know that DA GAWD plays cosmic chess - this shit ain't even close to checkers. I used Derrick Henry like the Manchurian Candidate so that he could go off  in Weeks 14 and 15 in the event that I met up with you. All this was done to humble you and testify to the awesome powers of DA GAWD. I warned you in your Week 11 recap that all of this would happen. I'M SO FUCKIN' OMNIPOTENT THAT I MADE WENTZ ABANDON YOU TWICE IN ONE SEASON WHEN YOU PLAYED  ME.  This unfortunate series of events must have you thinking of the movie "Groundhog Day".

All season you doubted DA GAWD's abilities. Down to the bitter end, when the DA GAWD offered to accept a prayer for Baker Mayfield, you still lacked the faith. As a result, he put up a paltry 15 points. Meanwhile, Nick Chubb busted out a 40 yd run to get himself into double digits. The plagues didn't stop there though. Like Moses warned Ramses, you kept denying my powers. For each denial, a dud player developed. Saquon nowhere to be found in a game that didn't have Odell Beckham? Unthinkable. Lamar Miller getting hurt in the first quarter and out for the game? No way. Amari Cooper putting in a pedestrian performance after going nuclear the week before? Impossible. Yet it all happened. To add insult to injury, your kicker managed to grant NEGATIVE points for the day like he was a defense. It don't get more plague-y than that. You're only saving grace was the fact DA GAWD had DHop in another league where he still reigns supreme.

I hope you've been humbled by this experience. See you later.



We all knew this day would come. When DA GAWD would reach the pinnacle of Fantasy performance and rise in the chip. DA GAWD has answered prayers, delivered miracles, and absolutely dominated your teams all season. The non-believers were humbled each time and came to realize the power that I/He truly has. Each week, Da GAWD predicted plays with 95% accuracy and hasn't let down anyone all season. DA GAWD is not THE God but DA GAWD. Reaching  back to back chips and conquering another galaxy in a single season is no easy fate. I've haven't just survived. In the universe, I've lost:

• Melvin Gordon
• Aaron Jones
• Jay Ajayi
• Carlos Hyde
• Rex Burkhead
• Marquis Goodwin
• Spencer Ware
• Austin Sefarian Jenkins
• Corey Clement

I think Bill Murray describes the plight of being a GAWD perfectly. I'll let him do the rest of the talking. (Andy McDowell is the trophy - I don't have time to make Gifs. That comes later)

"If you really wanna ball till you fall when your back against the wall and a bunch a niggas need you go to away - Still goin' bad on em anyway."

#Amen

Intro (Week 14)

FINALLY. All the hours spent researching start em sit ems, trade values, and sifting through a depleted waiver wire has gotten us here. THE FIRST WEEK OF THE FANTASY PLAYOFFS. Before I begin recapping the 4 teams that played this week, let's pour out some liquor for our fallen soldiers that couldn't start the correct defense or realize that the Yahoo app had a chat feature. We're all blessed to be in upper echelon of fantasy and we shouldn't take it for granted. Its the end game now. Lets review the results of our first round.

ShuTheBucUp 104.30 vs This Team Iz America 147.20

Hector, you fought real hard to get here. Its no surprise that you lost this game, but you should pat yourself on the back for earning a playoff spot. You went into the first week of the playoffs with a ragtag bunch consisting of Adam Humphries, Bruce (who is he?) Ellington, Curtis 5th option Samuel, and Jordy "Weak in the Knees" Nelson. That lineup is worse than the movie "The Replacements" where people thought Keanu Reeves could be an athlete. You stood tall and took the beating that was due. I hate to get sentimental in a league full of mediocrity, but I think you deserve the speech from Friday Night Lights.

Being great isn't about that scoreboard. Its not about winning. Its about you and your relationship with the girlfriend that distracted you from being a real contender. Being great is about looking her in the eye and KNOW, that you didn't let them down because you told her the truth. The truth is you're bad. There's not one more thing you could've done. You couldn't help Fournette barely playing on a team that collapsed as a defense. Can you live in that moment? With clear eyes and love in your heart. With Aaron Rodgers on your bench most of the season. If you can do that, then you're great. I want you take a moment and look her in the eye, and tell her that you quit fantasy football......forever. I want you to think about Ed, your friend....and that he was happy to take your place as a better fantasy football player.

Gordon, congratulations on advancing to the semi-finals in the playoffs. After everyone lambasted you for trading me Kareem Hunt, it looks like it wouldn't have mattered in the end. You picked a prime spot to lose James Conner considering your opponent bobs for apples in the toilet - and likes it. Your lineup is poised for a monumental matchup next week against Juan and I honestly hope you win. Through all the ups and downs, you've persevered to establish yourself as not a comedian that plays fantasy football - but a true fantasy footballer that happens to tell jokes.

While this wasn't your best output, you should be happy you still have Andrew Luck to guide you to glory and hopefully your RBs come back to form. There will be even larger obstacles for you ahead. Think of this upcoming matchup as that time in 300 when Leonidas and crew were about to get smacked by that group while piling up bodies. Its your second to last battle and you still have hope on your side. Just be wary of hunchbacks that can destroy everything you've worked for while standing up to a GAWD.



Destroyer of Gawds 120.20 vs Green eggs and SAM 187.50

Quis, this week showed us what it would be like if Marvin Lewis coached the Steelers. With all the weapons available to you all season, you have been plagued by injuries, mismanagement, and sheer bad luck. The week you need them most, Melvin Gordon and Odell Beckham abandoned you in the heat of battle. Philip Lindsay decided to do his best Nightcrawler impression and Lesean McCoy acted like he really wanted to play for the Bills. As much as I'm entertained by Shorty during the regular season, your banana peel slips in the playoffs are unmatched. You still hold the record for losing a chip to a guy that starts a TE that threw to the WR to stack points, but this is a whole new level of bad luck. We all know you're better than the results show, but man is it funny to witness.

Take solace in the fact that you won't lose your job as playoff contender and that you'll be right here again next year - when you lose to someone that has to start a 3rd string TE and a 4th string QB.



Ed, I hope you're happy you benefited from DA GAWD's very own blessings. By luck, you had both DHop and Cooper in this galaxy while their triumphs reverberated through the cosmos and blessed you too. I hope you took notice that DA GAWD took the extra effort in starting a great lineup to show you that even at your best, you're still no match for Da GAWD's 232 points. Call it a preview of what's to come.

Regardless, you have managed a fantastic season to this point. While struggling to score points, you got enough wins and had your players show up when it mattered most. As Hector passes the torch of hatred of me from himself to you, realize that with great power comes great responsibility. Don't get crushed from the weight of all the greatness that is expected of you. It will be great and it will be tough. I look forward to our re-match of last year.



#Amen

Amen (Week 13)

Turbulence...is the price we pay....for flying high. Through all the hell and high water that the season offered, me/Him has kept us. We've gotten to this point, regardless of what we had to deal with (catastrophic injuries, under-performers, league altering trades, dumb gms).....because me/Him loves us so much. Now bless each and every one of us as we embark on the playoffs. Let's recap on how we got here and provide the eulogies for those that couldn't make it to the great beyond.

No Longer a Champ 96.55 vs Ended on a High Note 108.05

Adam, I'm happy I don't have to write your recaps anymore. All season you held out hope that Leveon would play. You turned down every trade that could have saved your season. Its like you were at the blackjack table showing 20 and said "hit me". To add insult to injury, your weekly struggles to get to 100 points in this league is Nathan Peterman worthy. You didn't belong here this season. Be happy that you have a chip under your belt AND that you're friends with everyone because this season's performance should've gotten you cut a long time ago. The ball in this image represents winning.




Shorty, you're my favorite unlucky fantasy football player. Each week you provided the "will he/won't he" drama of losing in comical fashion. I'm actually sad to see you not compete in the playoffs. Your team of Brees and Kamara reminded me of Eminem and D-12. Those stars just couldn't support the rest of that failing rag-tag bunch of waiver pickups you call a team. In my book, you're a perennial league player, you just ran into bad luck two seasons in a row. Rest easy big homie.



ShuTheDoorOnGerald 116.95 vs Mute Dave 121.55

Well Hector, you managed to backdoor your way into the playoffs. You were a long shot to make it in the first place, but you did. Your fantasy life was spared for one more week. I really hope that your team doesn't become the Adam of last year, but I highly doubt it. Just imagine if Gerald won his game - you'd be pissed. I don't have much else to say because you're alive and I'd rather save it for the Week 14 recap. Carry on.



In place of Mute Dave's recap, I figured I'd donate his recap to the Women's Shelters of America (nobody wants to read about Mute Dave anymore anyway).

I just want you all to ask yourselves if you would have dropped Kareem Hunt after news of the video and not seeing it, or after the Chiefs released him from team. I had to ask myself if I simply believed the allegations without proof or if I knew the media push would doom him regardless. I still don't know. Now ask yourself if Jay Z released the video while playing against Matthew Berry in a fantasy league....I bet he'd have that type of pull and wouldn't think twice about it. OR MAYBE IT WAS SOLANGE! 

Mute Dave, I'm happy your done.

The Black Zombie 114.50 vs Saquon my balls 139.80

I warned you for weeks that this could happen Gerald. While you tried to wheel and deal trades to avoid this situation, I think it was inevitable. One of your first mistakes was trying to get cute with Jordy Nelson. Then you kept thinking you could be a GAWD. Within a matter of time, you've been reduced to a rotting corpse still trying to enjoy a consolation game. Don't do anymore research. Don't set a proper lineup. Just sit on the sidelines and remember what it was like to be human. Hopefully the have a cure for the T-Virus when we draft next year.

Juan, congratulations on the other bye week. Honestly, you deserved it. Every Sunday and Monday Night, you had to avert your eyes while watching your team lose or almost lose. At one point, you looked destined to fall from grace out of the upper echelon, but you crawled back to sit atop the anointed. You'll have your work cut out for you in Week 15. So sit back and relax on this league while you figure out where things went wrong in your other league. 

SuperCrack 133.20 vs Green Eggs and SAM 129.00

Trav, thank you for beating Ed and putting him back in his place. Other than that, we know where you stand. So now I'm going to use this recap to draft my letter to Melvin so that he plays this week. 

Dear Mr. Gordon,

First and foremost, I want to thank you for being a pillar in my galaxy-wide domination of 4 leagues. I'm writing to you so that we can all win our respective championships. Your sprained MCL is no laughing matter and we need to address it. I beg of you to play Week 14 - both of our playoff hopes depend on it. In return for your sacrifice, I'll donate to a good cause in Waukesha, WI. No don't overextend yourself either. I want you to be healthy. I want to see your grandkids play with my grandkids in the future because I helped save the knee that won a Championship for the DA GAWD and DA CHARGA'S. In that future you would have gone on to be the leading rusher of all time. 

Signed - Da GAWD

And he'd joke and say "How did you know?" And I'd tell him I'm a Fantasy Football Gawd.

Ed, you seem to be cruisin' for a bruisin'. All season you've defied my warnings against your team. With your cupcake early wins and your bullshit schedule, you've managed to stick around for the playoffs. Unfortunately for you, both you AND the Jets will lose Week 14 for your blaspheming ways. Its not easy being green. Until then, keep focusing on the idea that you can defeat me.

This Team Iz Hurt 136.85 vs Destroyer of Gawds 150.50

Gordon, you must be reeling from Week 13's cruel jokes. Just like Da GAWD in another galaxy, Jared Goff was started and he was a dud. Looks like both lost a bit of something in our trade with each other. I lost Hunt and you lost the bye week. To add insult to injury, James Conner goes down when you need him the most. EVEN WORSE, is that your kicker and your favorite team put up a whopping 0 points. Truly sad. I can definitely feel the hurt emanating from your team. Just remember that you have a strong team while competing Week 14. 

Quis, what else should I have expected but for you to be in the playoffs. You are the 90-94 Buffalo Bills of this league. You have great performances and stay in the mix no matter the setbacks or the schedule laid before you. While it would be my PLEASURE to knock you out of the playoffs personally, I'm not so sure I'll even play you. I'll be looking very closely at your Week 14 matchup as my source of entertainment in this league. I'll let the other GAWDs know of the mortal that has challenged us all. 

No One Had a Shot 68.55 vs Da GAWD 158.05 

Jesus, you're another GM that I'm sad to see not make it to the playoffs. As last year's most wins and points holder, this must have felt like quite the let down this season. You had some pretty bad luck with your players and even worse luck with your schedule. When Da GAWD wins, I will instate a rule where every player has to donate 5 dollars towards your one way plane ticket for the draft. Other than that, you're on your own. It was a pleasure beating you twice. 

You all had to know this was how the season would end as soon as you saw my potential in Week 2. DA GAWD has absolutely ravaged each of your teams and no sits on high in the coveted #1 bye week slot. The playoffs are here and its the new testament - except I'm the last 5 chapters. The Revelation of my very calculated season is upon you. The Rapture is here. 

 

The Flute Song (Week 12)

Week 12 is in the books and it seemed a bit uneventful. Some teams climbed the rankings to make a comeback of the ages while others continue to fall farther from Olympus. I hope each of you cherished those moments with your loved ones this Thanksgiving. That's the last time they'll see you with hope and happiness in your eyes. Lets review the mistakes you all made.


Why Bother 92.35 vs This Team Iz America 179.65

Trav, I'm sure you didn't care this week - just like I didn't care. Just hold on. Week 13 is around the corner and it'll be all over. You can start to focus on next season. You'll have a future again. For now, just watch football like a normal fan and resume your normal Sunday activities. You can start planning for the next 3-4 weeks of things to do. In the next recap, I'll just list links for deal from Expedia or something. We'll call it your participation trophy.



Gordon, welcome back to the bye week. You've experienced quite the turbulent season to end up back here. With a strong score from this week and maybe a bit of help in Week 13, you can rest easy during Week 14. Now I'm only giving you this next bit of advice because I want to make the chip competitive. James White will no longer be the James White that has supported your team. Start thinking of ways to replace him now. Don't say I never did anything for you.



No One Cared Enough 115.40 vs ShuTheBucUp 160.40

Damn Jesus. Just when you were starting to make a strong comeback in the league. Looks like you couldn't escape the inevitable. Take solace in the fact that you wouldn't have won the chip even if you did make the playoffs. I'm wondering if this was simply the effect of drafting via Juan's phone/internet issues. Next season, we might have to consider getting you a Facebook Portal so that you can draft like you're in the room. Below is a glimpse of your final moments before the Walking Dead got you.



Hector, its good to see you with such high hopes. You out here flippin' those rubber tree plants and climbing right back in the playoffs. However, your quest isn't over young one. You have to protect this spot from those that may attempt to take it back. I advise telling your girl that you can't see the Nutcracker Radio City Music Hall Spectacular during Week 13. You have more important tasks. Keep training and you might go down against me Week 15.



The Vacant Lot 151.55 vs Green Eggs and SAM 202.30

Now that I own Adam's recaps, I'd like to talk about the genius behind Nickelodeon's Doug. His name is Fred Newman. He was pretty much the White version of the mouth sound guy from Police Academy. Fun fact, his daughter is an actress and was on Alpha House (not that I watched it). Bottom line, there's a lot of people talented out there and they're all better and more interesting than Adam's team.

Ed, congratulations on your first 200 pt game. I'm going to tip my halo to you because I thought you were a goner in terms of playoff potential. While you probably can't get the bye week anymore, just count your blessings that you're still in the playoffs. I wish I could put more plagues on your team, but I share too many players with you in other galaxies. Instead, I'll let someone else take you out Week 14. But well done this season. Back to back playoff berths is a good way to start.



The Falling Star 138.00 vs Mute Dave 158.95

After counting everyone's wins and losses, and it appears Gerald didn't pay closer attention to his own team's ability to stay in the playoffs. Week 12 has shown that there are too many zombies out in these streets and they're taking no prisoners. I always thought zombies liked brains, but clearly that's wrong because you didn't have the brains to start Watson. Even so, there's nothing you could've done to turn this week around. You lost. Simple as that. May the Week 13 odds be ever in your favor.



Dave - I hate you.



The Destroyer of Gawds 143.25 vs Saquon my balls 146.90

This match-up was the only one worth following this week. Quis, you and Juan both managed to leave some points on the bench, except your points on the bench lost you the matchup. How you start a WR3 over a RB1a is beyond me. You should be ashamed of yourself.



Juan went through Sunday morning mass to commune with Da Mortal GAWD. He asked for Da GAWD's divine wisdom and was blessed with it. However, prayers without actions are simply wishes. DA GAWD instructed him to start Njoku but failed to do so. While DA GAWD still blessed him with a win, those lack of points will come to haunt him while hunting for the bye week. So far though, I'm happy to see Juan managed to stay in the playoffs with such a turbulent season.



LightKamaraAction 120.95 vs DA GAWD 153.50

Shorty, I'm sorry to see you go out like this. We're 1 more week out and you can just focus on the Steelers' postseason hopes. You can still enjoy the thrill of a touchdown and celebrate in a meaningful way. I don't have much else to say that hasn't been said, so I'll just save all of my season long ridicule for you during the Week 13 recap.



If there was ever a week I was SUPPOSED to lose, it was this one. In mortal form, Da GAWD still outscored half the league. I don't know how the rest of you walk around in these flesh bags, but this feels disgusting. Now that Week 13 is upon us, the GAWD has ascended again. I may or may not have left a demi-gawd on Earth. So next season, don't be surprised if there are other unexplained wonders in the world. Anyway, nothing new to see here. I'm just here to show you all how good it is to be me, and how bad it is to be you.

#Amen