Peekaboo (Week 12)

It's sad to see how Week 12 ended. Zombies rose from the shadows as a surprise and ended the playoff hopes for several teams. I know there were dreams of "I just gotta win out and I got shot". Instead, now it's race to not be in the bottom two and there's two weeks left. What a turn of events. Let's get into each game and see how it all went down. 

Machine Gun Santa 133.35 vs This Team Iz Kang 140.05

I don't know where to begin. Sometimes, when people's hopes and dreams get dashed they have a full psychotic episode. Some shave their head like Britney Spears. Some start having an identity crisis. In this case, we saw someone sadly dancing in Santa pants/shorts suit for the world to see. Maybe this break came from the combination of losing a spot for the playoffs and losing to Gordon in the same weekend. I hope you get the help you need. 

Way to play playoff spoiler Gordon. Your victory created a great moment for the fantasy chat to witness. It's crazy to think what your team could've been. Now you're out here winning games with Jonny Smith outscoring Travis Kelce. Crazy times. Now your only goal is to not be in the bottom two. That's the new "playoff race" with your bottom dwelling brethren. 

I Like to Marv it Marv it 84.55 vs The Syndicate 129.95

The stack this season just wasn't hitting like you expected this year. You gotta remember that it's super rare for a rookie WR to go nuts. Josh Jacobs stole all the juice from Christian Watson and Brian Robinson got knocked out of the game when you needed him most. At least the power washing got done. Maybe you had time to take Christmas light inventory. Just try not to be at the bottom again this year. Remember - you're not the Jets. 

Like clockwork, a back against the wall performance to stay playoff relevant. I wonder if you had a pickleball tournament at 12:45 and made the snap decision to start Noah Gray AND (let me look up the name because I had no clue who he was) Devaughn Vele. It paid off well. Even though Jesus did himself no favors, these are the type of moves you'll need to keep making for the rest of the season. 

Get off my Dak 106.40 vs Saved by the Dell 151.55

Another one bites the dust. All year you were hampered with injuries and subpar performances from your top 6 pics. This year just wasn't in the cards to make the playoffs. You should be safe from the bottom two but who knows. I do want to take this time for inviting me to your other league though. If it wasn't for watching you take Saquon in that one, I wouldn't have had the Gawdsight to take him over Bijan Robinson. Your services are appreciated. 

Guess you can still make an impact even when things don't matter for you. While we probably won't hear from you until the chip, it's nice to see you still put the effort in to get your lineup right. It's gotta be frustrating though to wait twelve weeks for DJ Moore to have at least 25 points. If only some trades early on were accepted. Keep playing zombie for the rest of the bottom. You got something to fight for. 

Django Achaned 108.80 vs Team DQ 143.65

This was an interesting strategic punt. With most of your heavy hitters on bye, I saw you didn't start a kicker at 1pm. The hope was that your team might do enough and then you'd take a kicker late. But I'm pretty sure you lost as soon as Daniels threw the 80 yd bomb at 4 pm. I can't imagine the sting of watching your fantasy team lose while watching Cutlets get fried in the Meadowlands. I saw a funny reel that said you could take a nap, read a book, or even count seats at the Giants games this year rather than watch the actual game. I hope you did one of those. 

After having a rough start, it looks like you're heating up at just the right time. I gotta admit that I'm kind of waiting for the Zay Flowers decision to haunt you in the playoffs. Til then, stay silent til Week 15. 

Looking at the man in Jahmyr 140.05 vs Wilson! 144.35

This was game of the week here. Going into Monday night, thing we're close and they stayed close to the final minutes. Unfortunately, you were just a little too short to get the win. The interesting thing is that if you started Mahomes (who everyone thought was bad for you to trade) you would've won the game. So far, you still have the bye. You're just gonna have to win out to keep it. 

It's great to see you staying playoff relevant. Even though you lost Dobbins on the night, you still got the victory. Even better that Chubb is starting to heat up at a time like this. Lucky for you, the rest of the regular season is just about playoff seeding since there's quite a few teams with 4 wins at Week 12. You and the Steelers are truly looking like spirit brothers. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 123.05 vs Da GAWD Al Gaib 196.75

It's a shame your record is what it is and that you would've beat a few teams this week. Unfortunately you're still fighting to stay away from the bottom two spots. I kinda get why you started Devito though. With nothing to lose, why not take the off chance that he surprises the Bucs. I know I took a parlay with the Giants winning. Stay focused on 10th place for the next few weeks. 

Another week, another dominating performance. What else is there to say. Saquon been popping out all season like peekaboo. Even better to see him do it for Da GAWD. Would all this have felt better being undefeated? Of course. But Da GAWD can take solace in doing better than my previous 10-4 record the last time I fire and brimstones the league. 

#Amen

Lucky Me (Week 11)

 

After a brief hiatus, Da GAWD is back in the galaxy to review the week. There's only a few more weeks until the playoffs are upon us. It was all fun and games til now, but some of y'all gotta buckle down and get serious. One more loss and you'll open up the gates of hell for the bottom feeders to have hope. Let's see how it all worked out this week and determine who had luck on their side. 

This Team Iz Kang 84.75 vs Saved by the Dell 134.00

What a sad performance. There's very little to say here, which has been the case most of the season. After drafting all those receivers, they still can't be there for you. Between bye weeks and injuries, this just wasn't helpful week for you. It's like the harder you fight against the last place quicksand, the more it pulls you back in. At this point, you have two weeks to cling to a branch and save yourself. Good luck. 

Better late than never to get your second win of the season. Your first round draft pick finally returned first round value. If I were you, I'd get re-energized with the thought that I could avoid last place punishment within the next two weeks. This win was just enough to put that spoiler jetpack on and ruin a few playoff hopes and dreams. Good win. Hope to hear from you in August in the chat. 

The Syndicate 89.95 vs Get Off my Dak 147.75

After waiting all season to get your first pick back in the lineup, he's been lackluster. The eye test says he's still nervous about reinjury and doesn't want to explode yet. This loss comes at a critical point in the season so you don't want to string too many of these together. On top of that, Gesicki turned back into a Bengal kitten once Higgins got back in the lineup. You might have to resort to 12pm pick ups on Sunday morning to keep the playoff hopes alive. Good luck. 

Who would've thought you would have been better off starting Taysom Hill at QB (not even TE) this week against a Browns defense that has Myles Garrett? This is just the win you needed to stay firmly in the hunt for the playoffs. Bonus points to you for starting BOTH Niners wide receivers. One of em was bound to go off and might as well hedge both of em rather than having Jennings on the bench for Keenan Allen. Solid win. 

Machine Gun Kelce 124.80 vs Wilson! 134.35

I know this one hurt. Sunday started off with a BANGER with Goff going nuclear. You needed it badly because most of your team was on a bye (not that they were all that impactful anyway). Most teams are firmly in the playoff hunt but you might be in the danger zone. This starting lineup is probably the best it's gonna be the rest of the season. You better start praying for a consistency miracle. 

You must be feeling on top. 3 TDs from Mixon at a time you needed it the most. Then the Steelers kicker single leggedly won your beloved Steelers game. It's almost like you're DESTINED to be in the playoffs at this point. Like it's all lining up perfectly like never before and someone is just looking out for you. You'll probably rattle off a few more wins and be ready just in time for the playoffs. Good win. 

Your Chubby White Nabers 116.33 vs I Like to Marv it Marv it 162.55

Despite the way the matchup looks, I think this was one of your better weeks Adam. It's just unfortunate that you didn't play against Gordon or Ian. Even if you picked up a better TE at the last minute after LaPorta was ruled out, you still would've lost. You're still dangerously close to paying the loser fee, so dust yourself off and hope that LaPorta comes back with a vengeance. 

Highest point total of the week and you did without a stack. Must be nice when Higgins finally comes back to play. After weeks of painful losses and watching the Jets look absolutely terrible, you probably needed this win. You're two games behind the 6th seed, so you're gonna need some perfect lineups and a bit of luck. But it's not over just yet. You don't have to be like the Jets. 

Looking at the man in Jahmyr 141.25 vs Django Achaned 154.10

Last week, you had a coup d`etat and burnished Valhalla and knocked Da GAWD off his throne. But it takes more than one win to stay on top. If you were WORTHY of the throne, you might've started Xavier instead of Tyler. But don't worry. Your bye week is still secure. You've fought hard all season to make sure you get the respect you deserve on draft days to come. Maybe I'll see you in the chip. 

Just when things looked bleak, that stack came to bail you out again. Sure, Pitts was gonna look like Pitts, but it was especially smart to take Elijah Moore. His QB hasn't seen a down field throw that doesn't look good and against his former team, it was a no brainer. There's enough time to steal a bye week from either Da GAWD or Trav, but we'll see how it shakes out. Like I said earlier this year, it's 2018 all over again and I plan on seeing you in the chip. Except you got the stack now. 

Team DQ 134.85 vs Da GAWD Al Gaib 135.75

Before Monday night's game, Da GAWD looked at your lineup and immediately saw the problem. You committed a cardinal sin - starting a defense against not one but TWO of your players. As such, when Aubrey scored, it took points away. And when the defense gets your player concussed, it's even worse. Good fight in you though. This was definitely the week to take advantage of a donut in my WR spot. At least you're still in the playoffs. 

Lucky me. If you want my spot you gonna have to come for me. Just know I want this chip more than whatever it is you want this season. And the only thought at night that comforts me is beating whoever's hunting me. Winning by less than a point is still a win. Lucky me I guess. 

#Amen

Nee-Nah (Week 9) {get it?}

 

What a week. After last week's TE TD thunderstorm, teams came back down to earth. With 4 weeks left of the regular season, we've got 4 teams in the hunt for the playoffs that are only behind by 2 games. It's still anyone's race to compete and there's plenty that could go right (or wrong ) leading up to the chip. Let's review the week. 

This Team Iz Kang 88.50 vs Your Chubby White Nabers 113.45

Now this was just low effort. At first glance you'd think Olave getting knocked out the game for the 2nd time in 3 weeks was the reason for your downfall. But there's multiple areas of disappointment. You left Amari Cooper in when they said he'd be out Sunday morning. Then Tyreek didn't get the 60 yd TD that can bail you out. You're still weeks away from getting Evans back. Just start scraping together that loser fee by asking for donations at the end of your comedy sets. Put it on a T-shirt with the Goucho Back meme. 

Looks like you're climbing out of your loser fee era. Even though starting Miles Sanders and Kraft was wild, you got a win. Don't make a habit of leaving points on the bench though. The standings are still very close for the playoff race and every point counts. I'd give you more props for the win but you beat up on Gordon. It didn't take much. 

I like to Marv it Marv it 113.30 vs Looking at the man in Jahmyr 119.20

Yikes. When that stack misses, it REALLY misses. Kyler and Marvin combined for less than 10 points on a day that the Cardinals scored 29 points. It must've been torture watching the Cardinals run the ball all day. The bright spots were still bright though. Devonta had a one handed grab that was outdone by "THE Hurdle". Otton still proved his waiver pickup value. You wouldn't have beaten anyone but Gordon this week, so go back to the drawing board to get right for the playoff race. It's now or never. 

Even in a game where Xavier Worthy manages to run for NEGATIVE 10 yards, you still get the win. At this point in the season, you should point everyone to your GAWDLY record when they ask why you make the decisions you do. The guy you "gifted" in the trade still lost and Patrick Mahomes had his best fantasy game of the season. Let em know who you are this season (or tell your girl to let them know since she's making these fantasy moves). It's gonna be a doozy fighting for supremacy in Olympus. 

Machine Gun Kelce 100.75 vs The Syndicate 152.90

Boy oh boy. Bet you thought you caught a lick when you got Goff for Mahomes. But between Goff, Mattison, and Wilson, you got 14 points. It's gonna be really hard to win games with that type of production. Maybe things will turn around when AJ and DK get healthy. For your sake, you better hope it's before Week 11. Not too many chances to make the playoffs after that. 

Another week and another back-against-the-wall win. I low key thought about taking Gesicki all week, but Da GAWD was gun shy from tinkering last week when the coveted undefeated season was over. But you made the right call and had him ball out for the easy win. You're firmly in playoff position, so as long as the others continue making hair-brained moves, you can join the battle in Olympus. Or maybe CMC comes back and gets injured Week 13 after you held em all season. Who really knows?? (Gawd shrug)

Team DQ 140.85 vs Get Off My Dak 146.55

What a nasty case of Balling on the Bench. It's like you sneezed and then had Josh Downs (against the Vikings defense) over Zay Flowers. Then as you laid down with some Puka Nacua soup to feel better, he crashes out and gets ejected. That was doubly bad because that meant even MORE targets for your opponent that has Kupp. I mean what are the chances that such a crazy turn events can happen to one guy in a fantasy matchup. Congrats on bringing more life into the world though. A fantasy matchup is an easy sacrifice for a dope day. I just realized you won't read this so forget it. 

Things were looking pretty bleak when Dak was getting roasted on the field and online. But things really started turning around when Puka got rejected. Kupp started running it up. Then you got that old thing back with Justin Jefferson to get right by Sunday night. Week 10 just might have your team at full strength for what feels like the first time in the season. There's s still room for your in this battle but unfortunately, I need Shorty to beat you in order to face me in the semi's. 

Saved by the Dell 138.90 vs Wilson! 165.80

Just when you started to have players perform you had to run into highest point total of the week. To add insult to injury, JSN absolutely crushed it on your bench. But that's been the story of your season all year. Right place, wrong time. Right time, wrong place. Seems like no matter what you do that loser fee is tattoo'd on you. On the bright side, I hope you start TJ Hockenson next week. You've had him all year on your bench doing nothing. Just see what happens. 

Highest point total of the week. Congratulations. This is the type of success I wanna see outta you from now til the playoffs. I want you to ride HIGH with big dreams of hoisting the trophy. I want you think about tucking that trophy in at night saying "it's finally mine". Let it all play out in your head.  I want you to have false hope in every one of your players until you face me. Excellent win this week. 

Django Achaned 147.75 vs Da GAWD Al Gaib 152.05

Your blood pressure must be all over the place. Two weeks in a row you had to wait for end of week scenarios and close matchups. I'm really curious what was worse? 

Losing your fantasy matchup by the final play on OT. 

Watching Saquon Barkley perform a move NEVER seen on a football field, IN AN EAGLES JERSEY, with your fantasy opponent having him at the same time

Personally I think I know but just let the chat know out of curteousy. It was a valiant effort but unfortunately you lost. Take solace knowing you're not fighting for your playoff life like the others. 

DA GAWDs loss last week reminded him of his mortal life. The pain and suffering that you all must go through. But after witnessing THE HURDLE, all the powers came flooding back. On Monday night late in third quarter, Da GAWD noticed his previous disciple having less than 25 yards. Da Gawd channelled his energy to achieve astral form. From then on, an explosion of offensive was bestowed on the field to will the victory. When I awoke from that form, the win was sealed. I didn't even have to take out the Nee-Nah to get him. 

#Amen