WHOO! What a Week 5. What a time to be alive. We had MULTIPLE 40 pt producers across the league. Some people had em and won. Some people had em and lost. Some people had em...on the bench. 5 Weeks are in the books and ya'll better recognize the weight of your choices. Lets review how it all went down.
Lost Lobos 92.55 vs HOP off deez nuks 128.25
Some people just don't know how good they got it til its gone. After coming out the gates like a full grown Ant-Man, Lobos reverted back to regular ole Paul Rudd and struggled to get to 100 points. Watching everyone's players blow up while his own players lay dormant must've made him feel like a flat chested 13 year old girl coming back to school in September after Big Titty Brenda started wearing a bra. Everyone else having nuclear players but you. Don't worry, the playoffs are still within your grasp. Maybe you'll get your wish and make the playoffs in the 4-6 seed like you truly want.
SHORTY! Way to turn a stressful anxiety ridden Sunday into a clear cut win. Not that you did anything special, but your Black Man magic must've kicked into high gear. While DHop has YET to go off (and we all know its because of your team name) you managed to stay outside of the hell that Gerald and Juan are in. I'm not gonna gas you though. Your team is held together by duct tape and chewing gum and probably won't last past the bye weeks. But a win's a win. In the meantime, just give someone "the nod" with the confidence that you won your fantasy week.
Antonio WhiteClawderez 117.60 vs Green eggs and SAM 158.30
Its becoming a weekly treat to witness Juan's spiral into clinical depression. This ain't just "I had a bad week". Whatever can go wrong does go wrong in each matchup. Watching CMC blast off into outer space must've been rough. At this point you might as well go to church on Sundays instead of watching your players disappoint you week after week like an absentee dad. But I'm not here to pity you. I'm here to tell you that its all behind you. If you can tolerate the disgusting taste of a woman's break-the-seal piss you call "hard seltzer", you can tolerate these losses. Pick yourself up and get a win.
Eddie, you provin' all the haters wrong with that first overall pick. CMC is literally grabbing your dead team and carrying it back to the safety of wins each week. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you got married to CMC the way he's supporting you through thick and thin. It also looks like we made a pretty even trade so far with A-Rob putting up about the same points as Breida. All in all, thanks for providing us with the disdain that Juan is feeling - the chat is worth it. Great win in a week where you had little left on the bench.
This Team iz Concussed 126.05 vs No One 129.80
I want to know the punchline of the joke where you keep thinking holding two defenses and not starting a kicker is funny. I mean, its funny to Jesus. Its funny to people fighting for the playoff spot. But is it funny to you? You go on a tirade of not having good trades but you out here selling Canal street handbags at Gucci prices. The way you even defended the idea that kickers are useless is starting to make me wonder if this is just funny to you or if you've been concussed/flooried while on a comedy tour. Just tell the truth. You gettin' cute for your own good and its all thanks to thinking that blue horseshoe brings you "Luck".
While I'd normally be quick to give you props on this one from across the pond, you don't deserve it. There is nothing about this win that you should be proud of. You should walk away from this win like the Rams did against the Saints last year. This blatantly dumb move by a joker of a fantasy owner should just have you quietly look at the win column. Outside of the herculean effort of Deshaun Watson, your team wouldn't have even put up 100 points with an average QB. You'll get the loss you deserve.
BUCemDownTo7TH 142.65 vs SuperCRACK 163.70
I had a Theilen your early season success was nothing but a flash in the pan. Mark Ingram has finally turned back into a pumpkin and you're still stuck with the dynamic dumbo of Dalton and Allen. I can't say that you'll stay in this loser hole, but it sure is nice to see you losing in these ways. Watching you choose between those QBs and whether to start Royce Freeman is going to be fun as this season goes on. On the bright side, you still put in a respectable point total for the week. If you think I'm taking it easy on you - I am. I have a wealth of screenshots saved for you when I knock you out the playoffs. Peace be with you.
There shouldn't be a dry eye in the building with the way Trav has made his presence known in this league. After sitting outside Juan's house in the rain for weeks before the draft, he's now grown enough to decline crappy trades. He can smell a trap a mile away. Shit, he even started Chark with the utmost confidence. You on the pursuit of happiness and it looks like you might just get there and make the playoffs. Keep your head up youngblood.
Lost GOHD 146.80 vs FlacOFF 169.75
Gerald, I want you to look deep inside yourself and rationalize what you thought you'd be before the season started. What were you supposed to be the "GOHD" of? When were you supposed to climb the charts? Were you looking forward to the banter in the chat as you thought about the ways to make fun of the loser tax? Now that I'm no longer there to keep you company, what do you have left? I mean, you got players to trade. You're obviously not concerned with winning when you leaving them on the bench. Beggars can't be choosers and you're gonna need to make a deal. Just come back home and trade em to DA GAWD.
I guess I could say good win to you Quis. While Gerald had PLENTY of opportunity to beat you, it looks like he just couldn't keep the faith. He drowned in the water as I asked him to walk. The only silver lining to this shitty win is that you left MASSIVE points on the bench. That's the type of thing that bites you in the playoffs when it comes to seeding and who you play. And don't think I ain't peep how you dumped Olsen right before his donut game. Straight grimey.
falseProfits 139.20 vs DA GAWD 170.30
Well it looks like we know who the REAL false prophet is now don't we. Coming into this game, I had a feeling you'd been waiting for this opportunity since the draft. Showing up in a false glove thinking you had the power to just SNAP this league back to when turnovers were just -2. The late game heroics of Amari Cooper simply weren't enough to combat my divine power. As a former champ, I like the determination. But as the current champ, I'm REAL happy you sat Sutton and DJ Moore. Looks like someone simply had a "false" start this week. I banish you back to chat limbo for 3 days. Catch you on my way to the top.
Two weeks in a ROW of having the highest point total. The powers are overflowing. First rule of war is making sure your opponent is dead. Leaving that small flicker of life in me was able to catch and create the forest fire known as my 2 Week point total dominance. Can't ya'll get it through your greezy heads that DA GAWD is inevitable? But I'm not tryin to be no big thing. I'm not tryin' to give ya'll no more advice. But Da GAWD is home. Newest addition to the squad, Matt Breida. The Championship 2 is on its way. I know ya'll hear Da GAWD's footsteps out there. I'm comin......U Don't Know the beast that ya'll have awoken in DA GAWD!
#Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment