I'M BACK BITCHES! DA GAWD apologizes for missing Week 3's recap. I was in the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights figuring out how to regain the powers and the faith. How to trust in my #Amens and set the Earth back on its correct axis. Week 4 has been more compounded mayhem, but I'll let the recaps discuss that more. Da GAWD been holding in his shit talk like a fart through a 2 hour meeting. Its time to unleash the fury.
Los Lobos 129.65 vs Green Eggs and MARRIED 130.80
FINALLY! After appearing indestructible for weeks, Lobos' Delanie Walker finally showed what it looks like to be a bum-ankled TE to with a QB that just wants to be back on the beaches of Waikiki. You deserved this close loss Lobos. Feeling yourself with a .2 win was bound be come back around. Word on the street is that some Vikings wanna start throwing more. The streets are talking about shutting down Zeke shuts down the Cowboys. Rumor has it, Shady bout to go back to a lot more time share duties. Hope that Mahomes arm is strong enough to keep this team lifted up high.
Eddie, first and foremost, congratulations on marrying a woman that can respect your fetish for all things Jet green. They say love is blind and in your case its true. You blindly started McLaurin and got a win. I think you twirled your Joe Namath cuff links like rosery beads during your ceremony while praying for the win. Thank you for providing the revenge DA GAWD was looking for and the Sunday Frights drama we all look forward to. Now that your wife has accepted your dirty secret love for the Jets and this fantasy league, lets hope she understands why you spend a little more time on your lineup next week. You don't have much room for error with this squad.
Hop off Deez Nuks 93.30 vs This Team Iz America 134.25
Shorty, I think I found out why your teams perform the way they do year after year. At first I thought it was because I kept starting your seasons off with their annual first L but in reality, its the team names. Every time you decide to focus on player puns that you draft, they're either your whole team or said players simply let you down. We're almost at the point where you're forced to change your team name to "Finally Got a WR". I'd have sweat stains on my boxers by now if my best player performance came from the 3rd string RB that won't be relevant next week. You ain't even have anyone on bye yet. I'm praying for you Black man.
Remember when everyone questioned Gordon using his #1 pick to take heavily used player Leonard Fournette? The same Fournette that lost weight to adjust for injury prone play? Well it looks like it payed off. Gordon doubled down and got gutsy with taking Gurley who produced two TDs on the same number of carries as Jerrick McKinnon since 2016. Only problem here is that it looks like Gordon is doomed to sacrifice his beloved team's players until he gets a chip. First Luck. Then Doyle. Is Jacoby next? Congratulations on going an impressive 9/9 across all your fantasy leagues - regardless of how Micky Mouse they might be.
BUCeMDowN 94.75 vs No One 134.25
I don't know if Hector uses different letter cases in his team name to annoy me when I have to write the title of his recap or if his eyes been so low from the weed he really couldn't tell if he was using caps or lowercase. What a fuckin' disaster this team has become. I bet when you beat DA GAWD, that was the best week of your life and you just said "fuck it, I ain't gotta strive for nothin else". Who knew you would've been better off using Josh Allen. You know, the guy that didn't finish the game and had 3 pics. Like......ANDY FUCKIN' DALTON??? ON A MONDAY NIGHT?????........WITHOUT AJ GREEN!?!?!?!?. AWAY.??????? At least Josh Allen had the swagger of being 3-0 going into his game to have a BIT of a chance at over-achieving. PUH-LEEZ hook DA GAWD up with what you been smokin.
Jesus, its amazing that you were able to salvage a no rb team into a win. With your top RBs gone, you had to rely on the likes of Rex Bumphead and CJ Prosise. I guess having a defense perform like one of your top RBs doesn't hurt, but that schedule gonna get harder. Nights gonna darker. If I were you, (you know, like when I was mortal) I'd do anything I can to score the MOST points I can while I can get it. Ain't no tellin' where you're gonna get points from if they slow roll both Barkley and Coleman. But I don't think that'll be a problem for you with the caliber of wr's on deck.
FlaccOFF 93.35 vs falseProfits 136.45
Wow Quis. I'm starting to think a gang of locusts came and ravaged your squad AND the Broncos. Going into Week 4's matchup you were projected to put up a winning 140 pts. Quite the let down. Did you delete the app on Sunday at 1pm when your bench was full of players with O's next to their status? Did you decide to do your laundry early when boom or bust Hardman came through with...what's that? NEGATIVE 1.10 points!?!?? Were you drunk on Sam Adams and buttery Lobster rolls and enjoying one of those cockamamie Duck Tours when you desperately grasped at a win by starting Danny Dimes?? At least you still have Travis Kelce and Michael Thomas....for now.
Adam, you know what its like to be a winner. After last year's let down, I can see the resolution to climb back to the top. While you keep leaving points on the bench week after week, your still getting wins so at least you're focused on the primary goal. DA GAWD is low-key tight that he let Jameis Winston slip into your fingers, but clearly you didn't know what to do with him at the time so it all works out. At least you'll be put in the position of deciding to start the combination of RB2s and WR2s that can over or under perform for you all season. Good luck and good win.
Sauce GOHD 132.95 vs SuperCRACK 153.70
This one kinda hurts me Gerald. After weeks of close losses, you put together a point total that would've beat SEVERAL under performers this week, yet you ran into the 2nd highest point total from Trav's team. Starting the Eagle's very own Jordan Howard over Lindsay may have been the better choice considering Jax stops the run well but.....who are we kiddin? You took DA GAWD's persona in vain and these are the consequences. You've been bouncing between your. GAWDS First you sided with Quis and look at the shambles his team is in. Then you gave up all hope. At least you have time to focus on the clothing line. That'll make more money than you should expect from this fantasy season real quick....because fantasy gonna be 0.
Look at our fantasy kindergartner growing up right before our eyes. Trav, I knew there was a competent fantasy football player in you. 2nd highest point total of the week and steadily climbing the charts. You know those inspirational quotes and speakers when they tell you take your shot and treat it like its your last? That's what you're showing in this fantasy season. No matter how much everyone advised you against drafting the entire Browns offense, you've managed to prove the haters wrong again and again. I'm trying to figure out where you'll end the season (obviously not with a chip). Maybe 4th? DA GAWD thinks you may be deserving of 4th. Until then, enjoy the ride.
Antonio Brownderez 125.10 vs DA GAWD 158.15
They say that you can only count on two things. Taxes and death. In the fantasy world, its usually me beating Shorty, but beating Juan in a prime-time matchup is almost as predictable. Similar to our Championship bout of last year, you managed to strike despair and fear into DA GAWD with an early onslaught of Davante Adams, Zach Ertz and a first play of the game injury to Jamaal Williams. Matter of fact, your week probably went just like it did when I wrote your recap of another Monday night meltdown in week in Week 4. There's laws in the jungle of fantasy football and I don't think there's enough WhiteClaws to make you forget how bad this week was. Dust yourself off and just PRAY that Watkins AND Tyreek Hill are viable options.
Mothafucka's was talkin crazy, sayin I should quit. I'm tellin' each of ya'll to make me or eat a fuckin' dick. DA GAWD is eternal. DA GAWD can make something out of nothing. How in the holiest of miracles can Chris Godwin go from doubtful with a hip injury on Saturday to NUCLEAR POINTS ON SUNDAY!?!?! Its because I made him Chris GAWDwin. As I prophesied while you all laughed as I was building the ark, the montage towards the repeat of the chip is upon you. Like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, I punched my way out of the coffin known as last place and have started working my way to the top. Ya'll can either get down or lay down.
#AMEN
No comments:
Post a Comment