Week 7 is in the books and this league never ceases to amaze me. The most irrational events happen while you guys just plod along like its a normal occurrence. I'll explain what I mean below, but for my/GAWD's sake, PLEASE just read the little captions on your players. It contains the nuggets of information that can save your season.
Bizzaro Champ 79.55 vs BlkPipeSlyr 137.85
Adam, I thought you finally traded away Le'veon Bell to make your team better. How is it possible to trade away a weekly zero on your bench and end up with HALF the point total you had a week ago? Oh I get it. You're just starting bodies. You didn't trade to actually make a change. You just looked in the mirror and said "fuck it". And if you protest otherwise, why didn't you take the opportunity to start Ekler in probably the only game he'll be without Melvin Gordon. This year's performance should give you an asterisk next to last year's chip because last year's champ and you do not share the same chromosomes.
I really hope you don't expect any compliments this week for beating a team that struggles to get over 100 points in a ppr league. Sure, you did the right thing and started the Denver defense, but you still don't know when to start Shady - and now he's hurt. Maybe you fuck around and pick up a waiver rb, but its slim pickin's out there. Your blasphemous speech shows me you never repented deep in your heart. You are now banished from the outer ring of Olympus. Forgive him me/GAWD for he knows not what he does.
Green Eggs and SECOND 135.90 vs Saquon my balls 142.55
Ed, I wanna know when you realized you were gonna be in 2nd. Was it at the same moment that Sam Darnold threw the pick in his own end zone? Was it when you wept into your Jets Snuggie sleeve and your spa day Jet-green facial mask got on the snuggie? Maybe you stayed up late to see if Andy Dalton would save you. I bet you were certain that Saquon was gonna get one of those goal line carries - maybe even a receiving TD. And then you gave up the ghost and realized that both you and the Jets are destined for nothingness. The next time you think you can get cute and get a good game out of a faux prime-time QB, I want you to remember something.
Cuttin' it mighty close there Juan. Monday at 9PM, you were comfortable. By 11PM, your butt cheeks were beading with sweat. But DA GAWD commends you for doing DA LAWD's work. Knocking Ed back into reality was just what was needed for order to be set in the league again. While the win came at the expense of a 4th Qtr surge against the Eagles, it was well worth it. I got a Theilen you'll be on top of the Hill and Mixon things up in the playoffs.
LightsKamaraAction 136.20 vs Monk Dave 127.85
***Shorty is officially the London effect. Every week, a team goes to play Shorty and somehow, everyone under-performs. The craziest part of this Bermuda triangle of talent is that the match-ups are close. Shorty literally brings you down to his level of ineptitude. However, his incompetent team can't pull out the win. Its like he's trying to impregnate a losing uterus. He's the Titans of this week. The Ravens of this week. The Browns of this week......COMBINED. At the very least, this shit show is worth the price of admission because everyone one of those games ended how you expected, but not in the WAY you expected.***
This recap has been redacted by the editor due to the late game heroics of Sterling Shepard.
You robbed me of the joy of watching you lose like the rest of the shitty teams in the NFL. This week, you're saved.
Mute Dave, you took the fun out of watching Shorty slip on banana peels. You had one fucking job. I'm not wasting anymore time on your recaps. Just keep typing plugging away at work like your dumpster fire fantasy team isn't imploding around you. I offered solid trades early to keep you competitive but no. You wanted to act like your vow of silence was going grant blessings to your teams. Fuck this.
SuperLast 121.30 vs Destroyer of Gawds 166.55
Trav, I want you to think about draft day. You LAUGHED as I warned you repeatedly about disobeying Da GAWD. Maybe it was because you were new to the league, but you must've thought that I joke for funzies. DA GAWD is real. Deep down, I hope you don't come in last because then you can come back next year. You'll probably think this year was a fluke. Go after a player I tell you to stay away from and repeat this type of season again. You'll be so hard-headed that you might waste your money a third time. But until then, just keep starting players, there's nothing left for you here.
Quis, you really pulled out a solid win after leaving Melvin Gordon in. It truly is a good win because you scored third highest in the league this week without your best player. Congratulations on beating the odds and the friend that trusted you enough to trade away his golden goose. Your ruthless behavior in this league will get you far enough for a semi-final, only to be let down once again. Until then, keep making these weeks fun.
No One is Healthy 104.35 vs This Team Iz America 172.30
Not that I thought you'd win Jesus, but you caught some tough breaks that may affect you for the rest of the season. Playstation went down early and so did your very own Jet - Jermaine Kearse. On the bright side, you did gain Adriel Jeremiah MuthaFuckin Green and got some good production there. But your RBs are looking really weak. It may be time to come talk to DA GAWD about some trades. You'll be blessed to take the coveted 6th playoff spot in our 8-man league.
After struggling through some tough early losses, it looks like Gordon's team is finally hitting its stride. Out here ballin' with players like Devin Funchesses like he's the new Steve Smith Sr. You sprinkled that Cinderella dust all over your squad and everyone from James White to Jarvis Landry are coveted amongst the rest of the mediocre teams in this league. But your ultimate test will be in front of you next week. I advise you listen to the first 15 seconds of the clip below to understand how I got Kareem Hunt and how he'll come back to haunt you.
The Eunuch Formerly Known As Hector 132.45 vs Da GAWD 175.50
Hector, you ran away as fast as you could from the losing season. You got a girl and started hiding under her skirt to avoid looking at the smoked carcass formerly known as ShuTheBucUp. You acted like your balls dropped and decided to talk shit to Gerald when you fucked around and won. By Sunday at 4PM you saw Trubisky popped a 30 pt game. But then those testicles rolled right back up to your belly button as you slid down the standings like a stripper on a pole. At least Shorty's losses are entertaining because he's trying. Your pathetic attempts just tell me you're more interested in apple picking than picking good players. (In case you were wondering, the image below represents your balls.)
I decree. Thou shalt not have other GAWDs before me/him. DA GAWD witnessed the league praising Gordon's (albeit formidable) 6th place team for scoring so many points. Meanwhile, DA GAWD turned Chubb into WINE! No more apologizing for my excellence. From now on, Da GAWD will just be dope. Wrap your minds around it as a fact of life. Its a law like gravity. I am officially 6-1 in TWO galaxies at the same damn time. I don't even know why you bitches are even trying to touch the trophy at this point. Da GAWD has come to reclaim his rightful throne at the top of this league. And don't think DA GAWD is mad.....he's just motivated.
#Amen
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