I'm Upset (Week 5)

Alright bitches. I hope you got it out your system that Da GAWD took a loss. Week 5 had the wackiest turn of events and all of you will suffer the consequences for weeks to come. Someone among you has tampered with DA GAWD's Holy Grail of plagues and you unleashed the pandemonium upon the league. Some of you finally recognized your teams are shined up shit while the rest of you still have a fragment of hope swirling in the echo-chamber you call brains. Let's recap the week.

Dave's Don't Cry 111.85 vs SuperCrack 119.55

Dave, I'm starting to think you don't even care about this league. You just ACT like a Mute Dave that's interested. Gerald probably covered you at work one day and as a favor you joined this league just to pay him back. There's absolutely no excuse for losing in the way you did and to WHO you did. AND WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN WRITING YOUR BULLSHIT RECAP WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW THAT GERALD TAKES PICTURES OF YOU!!?!?

Trav, welcome to the land of the winning. If you had played against ANYONE ELSE this week besides the auto-player robot formerly known as Mute Dave, you'd still be huddled in a corner wondering where it all went wrong. You must feel like a dwarf among midgets right now. Bask in your week 5 glory because you'll be begging for more wins like this.



ReadySetFail 121.55 vs This Team Iz America 173.15

Back in the 90's everyone loved "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air". The show was so good, people barely cared about Will Smith's rap career. But you know when the show went south? Light-skinned Aunt Viv. Mark Ingram is your light-skinned Aunt Viv, Shorty. You had to painfully watch as TD after TD and target after target went to everyone BUT Kamara. Its time to say goodbye and start thinking about next season. As they say, it's better to have Kamara'd and loss than to have never Kamara'd at all. Just remember the days when he was flexin' on them hoes.



So the battle of misfortune showed us that Shorty has worse luck than you. Congratulations on getting a confidence boosting win. You had to suffer some dreadful losses to get here, but you made it. Who needs Jared GAWFF to put up 50 pts every week when you can have your very own TE1 and RB1 of the week on the SAME TEAM. Now don't get ahead of yourself and think you're on your way to the top of Olympus, but you should solidly be in the playoffs.....as long as Bell doesn't come back. Flex on that win this week.



The Demi-Gawd 121.85 vs ShuTheBucUp 126.50

Gerald, I hope you learned a valuable lesson this week. You do not take Da GAWD's powers in vain. You spouted off prediction after prediction and failed each of them. Week after week I watch you start the wrong RB. The ultimate fail was talkin' hella shit to Hector and then losing after Brandon Cooks came out the game. Hector proceeded to unleash the fury of 1000 blueballs on you after winning and there's not a single response. Step down from the grail and never touch the predictions again. Da GAWD is the truth and you'll get it next week.



Its good to see you in the chat again Hector. I don't know if its because you won or because you found our company comforting during your off time with the new woman. But either way, congratulations on overcoming Gerald's shit talk. I can't give you all the credit though. I'm sure you sat in the bushes and read the chat while discussing whether to start Cooper and you said "well I can't just keep starting him and expect to win". Good thing Chris Thompson was able to get you the win. Keep it up and I might have the pleasure of ending your playoff run.



Saquon my (Insert insult I'm all out) 144.65 vs Beard in the North 146.70

Juan, I was wondering what would break first. You're decision making or your playoff hopes and it looks like the former. After losing on Monday Night Week 4, you've totally lost your mind. You must've been up on Saturday night like "I know what'll get me back on track. They'll never see it comin'. I'm gonna look like the GENIUS who started Hayden "2 target" Hurst and they'll FINALLY respect me". Not only did you fuck up and lose, now we can't get a desperation trade for Bell out of Adam. I hope you're happy going crazy.



Adam, thank your lucky stars you got 2 wins while wasting a roster spot on Bell. Your wins ain't long enough to withstand the possibility of him coming back Week 7. By the time you even get to use him, he might be on another team, getting less reps, or worse - be in a running back committee. So how's about we face facts and recognize that you won't repeat. If you trade DA GAWD Bell by Week 7, I'll even let you hold the trophy an extra week. Your team is a charity case and I'm only trying to help.



You Had One Job 153.35 vs Green eggs and SAM 162.15

I hope you're happy Jesus. Now an absolute scrub is undefeated and sitting in the #1 spot. We all know he won't stay there, but he wasn't even supposed to know what it felt like to be #1. There had to be other TE's out there. But no, you just REFUSE to use any other Falcon after Matt Ryan tricked you into dropping him. Austin Hooper would've gotten us you the win. Your mediocre team will remain in the playoff picture, but ya gotta do better. Good job on getting Ingram in there though.



You proud of yourself Ed? You sitting there with your toes spread apart with those pedicure thingy's and painting your nails Jet Green before you go to bed? I don't know what type of rabbit's foot necklace you wear to sleep or the four leaf clovers you bathe in, but you're defying logic with these wins. There's no way some of the bums you start get more points than Don Julio or Michael Muthafuckin' Thomas. Keep dodging these losses because I want to be the one to give you the worse loss.



Bullshit Ass Quis Squad  172.60 vs Da Distracted GAWD 122.40

Quis was plotting this Week 5 win since Week 2 when he changed his name. He sacrificed losses and roster spots (picking up the Panthers D, I see you) just to try and best DA GAWD. Congratulations. You can tell the tales as far as the eyes can see that you managed to defeat a GAWD. Mind you, it was only the result of Gerald handling the plague cauldron like a child. I can't wait to put you in your place in the playoffs. Revenge is best served cold so I'll see you in December.



So offended I had to double check just how badly I lost. There's no reason Mason Crosby misses that many fucking kicks and extra points other than Da Devil worship. Golden Tate couldn't buy a look and Julio Jones didn't get a target until the 4th fucking quarter. Its like these teams WANT to lose when they play the way they do. At the end of the day, this is all part of GAWD's plan. You can't win the chip without at least 2 losses and this is the first 1. Pray that DA GAWD takes it easy on your squads.



#Amen