Just Another Gawd (Week 5)

 

This season has felt all sorts of crazy, but I think we finally had a "normal" week. Every team was able to get over 100 points despite the bye weeks being in full effect and nobody left inactive players in the roster. Its a shame this has to be pointed out, but credit has to be given where credits due. We're a third of the way through and the league is wide open with close records. Let's recap the week. 

I Only Had Kittle 105.15 vs Team DQ 147.60

I know, I know, you're team is hurt. We get it. No Keenan, Evans, Higgins, Chubb. You lost Conner this week and Dak played worse than Zach Wilson. You know you struggling when you're starting players like Terrace Marshall or flexing Jake Ferguson for a desperation TD. The good news is that the bye week for Keenan and Evans should be over and maybe Higgins will be healthy now that Burrow remembered he's a QB and not a rapper. We'll see how it all shakes out Week 6.

DQ, you might be the first silent expansion team that managed to coast into first place. If it weren't for the fact that I saw you with a mini-fan at the draft, I'd think you were an AI bot to fill the 12th spot. Of all the players you drafted, it's looking like LaPorta might be the steal of the draft. The rest of your team might be questionable, but being 4-1 so far after having a horrific season last year is a big come up. Let me know if you read this by Week 13. 

Fields Mob 130.95 vs This Team Iz Kang 144.35

In 2002, a rap group named Field Mob came out with a song called Sick of Being Lonely, which was on the album called "From the Roota to tha Toota". It was bouncy and just coasted on some southern rap wave that was rising thanks to the work put in by Cash Money. But they trolled their label because they clearly weren't gonna be a big hit. Similarly, I think you're getting trolled by Justin Fields. How can he start the season so trash to then put back to back career type performances.... on your bench? I don't envy you making the decision on whether to start Fields against the lowly Vikings and then realize you're bad luck will have him put up a dud. At least Hill showed up and My Nacua Puka is still relevant. 

Now this win deserves a bit more credit than just having DJ Moore. Having the stomach to start Burrow again, without Higgins and after seeing him look terrible against the lowly Titans had to be difficult. OR (and I'm judging by the fact that you thought that the traveling Cowboys had a defense that could stop 4 FUCKIN' PRO-BOWLERS on the same side of the ball) you're a fantasy football crackhead that doens't know when to stop. Either way, this was just the type of win you needed. At this rate, you might get ahead of Quis' jokes and show you're other league how its done. 

The Home Depot 127.55 vs My Cousin Justin 131.60

Oof. Just when we thought you were going to start climbing out of last place, Trav went ahead and stepped on your back. Each week, you're done nothing particularly wrong. Who would've thought Tajae Spears would outperform Stevenson? Starting Tutu for the dart throw TD was the right call. And just when it looks like Zay Jones would be serviceable, he's hurt again. I heard Home Depot has great classes on Saturday mornings though and you can start with like a birdhouse. It soothes the soul during times like these. Better luck next week. 

Da GAWD sees and answers all prayers. Trav, it looked like you were a goner in this one. Watching JJ pull up with the hammy was devastating. Even worse was watching Moss ball on your bench. But late in the day, Goedart started going. And just when I thought the Cowboys would be in a shootout, the 9ers defense made Dak look at Tray Lance with the side eye. Congrats on what probably felt like a rollercoaster ride towards a W. 

Jonesin for a Swift TD 138.50 vs The Syndicate 155.20

After 4 weeks of patiently waiting for a game to explode on, Jonathan Taylor came out like popcap. To be fair, you would've thought the Colts would've played him a bit more considering that he said the ankle issue was a rumor and that he just got paid. However, Moss went bezerk while JT sputtered. Maybe none of this will matter if/when Aaron Jones comes back and Swift starts getting in the endzone. Until then, I hope AJ Brown continues to outperform and the rest of your team shits the bed. 

Is it me, or are the impending nuptials making you want the chip money to splurge a lil more on the honeymoon? Things seem to aligning nicely for your team. Cooper Kupp came back like he didn't miss a beat. ETN was running like someone in the end zone was sayin 'Sak pase!' And it looks like you got just the right amount of production from Achane when you needed it, now that he's been sent to IR. Plus you're getting Ekeler back just in time to face Da GAWD. Congrats on the win but that's all you're gonna get before you face me. 

Roster Imposter (like Rasta Pasta) 145.10 vs Ja'mamas house 159.35

Eddie, you did everything you were supposed to do except start George Pickens over Robinson. But that's what I'd expect you to do at this point. I've been telling you for weeks that this team is destined to remain outside the playoffs and you're following the script to a T. Breece Hall and Travis Swift won't always be there to prop up this team. For your sanity, I think you should reach out to Jesus and ask him about the Home Depot workshops he's attending, you make Jets based wood items, then you burn em on a Sunday night while you watch your fantasy and football teams futures go up in flames. 

FINALLY, right!?! Did you shout that at home and scare your family? I know I would have. Jamar Chase finally returned the value you've been looking towards for weeks. He single-handedly took on the onslaught of points from Breece and Travis Swift. This was your "Kirko" week. Enjoy it. Put on the chain. Dance around the house. Give a shot of some liquor to the Steelers tat. This win was a long time comin. 

Bijan Mustard 145.10 vs DA GAWD 154.35

Da GAWD ain't gon' lie on this one. It was scary hours on Monday night. Ceedee Lamb underperformed and AJ Dillon wasn't a guarantee to get 10 points. Meanwhile, Jakobi Meyers has been known to get lots of targets and could easily have gone apeshit.  In another universe, Da GAWD was holding on by a pinky to ensure that Adams didn't get one more catch and send DA GAWD to the heavenly guillotine. If it weren't for Lamar's WR's playing like the Little Giants, I would've been cooked. But I think we know this loss happened because you asked Da GAWD for a blessing against HIM. I hope you learned your lesson. 

All of you need to take note that DA GAWD is taking trash and turning it into treasure. AJ Dillon getting his first TD. Rice getting another TD. DA GAWD put up the third highest points without 3 of his crucial picks. Suffice to say, I'm back. 

#Amen

Something's Gotta Change (Week 4)

Week 4 is in the books and I think the league finally in the swing of the routines. Wakin' up hella early to check the stats and injuries. Sometimes you gotta sacrifice sleep for that bag when there's a London game involved. Especially when you got real life responsibilities. September is behind us and with October comes the spooky plays. Lets see if we can make sense of this crazy season we call 2023. 

Hurt my Receivers a Little 94.85 vs CashMoney Hillionaires 131.20

Two weeks removed from having a 200 point game and you managed less than half that total. Mike Evans and Tee Higgins going down right before the bye week has to keep you worried too since you'll also be down Jerome Ford too. How long can Mostert and Keenan Allen keep this thing afloat? Maybe Dak gets into a shootout trying to keep up with the 9ers and AJ Dillon vultures Aaron Jones all game. Best of luck.

My Nacua Puka is really putting in that work for you right now. Even though Fields was on your bench and ballin' its a fluke right? You're not gonna question yourself this Thursday if he should be started against a very exposable Commanders team. Because if you do that can he fails, you'll be even more scared to bench him next time. At least Kamara is back and Hill is due to go nuclear in a week or two. Congrats on the win.

Ja' even Try? 88.15 vs The Home Depot 136.15

Its really hard to write the appropriate recap here. On paper, the names in your starting roster should have formed together to AT LEAST give you 110. I mean the squad was slated to easily get to 135. Yet they were all pure disappointments and it didn't get much better on the bench. I can't offer advice because I'd tell you to start the same players again next week but maybe that Kirk Cousins thing flared up at the wrong time. 

Slow motion is better than no motion right? After floundering around in the depths of 12th place, you emerged with a solid win. I find it awfully interesting that the player you snaked went nuclear at a time my stack would've been stupendous. Now I don't think the you're out of the woods yet. You just happened to run into a Kirk Cousins flare up from Shorty. The bye weeks are here and you should get nice and comfy in the bottom of the standings. 

This Team Iz Last 116.55 vs The Syndicate 127.10

Ouch. Who woulda thunk that starting Trevor Lawrence against the league's worst run offense would yield better results than starting Joe "billions" Burrow against the league's worst secondary. Not me. And to add insult to injury, Deebo Samuel had ZERO impact on the 35 points scored by the 9ers. Looks like you might have a QB and WR problem. If only there was a freshly minted, TD rushing QB that could guarantee 20 points a game. Oh well, better luck next week. Be careful down there in 12th. 

While this wasn't the week you expected out of the Tuacide Squad, its the win you needed. With Ekeler out and Nico Collins going absolutely nuts on your bench, it has to feel good to still have the win in the bag. But I think your arch nemesis will rear its ugly head as soon as your team is at full strength. And that will be decision on start sits. Until then, continue the victory lap. 

My Cousin Just Shy of a Win 122.25 vs Bijan Mustard 122.80

This is the score that makes fantasy owners turn off the lights and cry to sleep. This game was in the bag for you until there was maybe 3 minutes left in the Monday Night game. Danny Dimes was throwing to lineman before Waller and your victory looked safe. In one night, Daniel Jones managed to ruin the dreams of Giants fans and Fantasy owners alike. For your sake, I really hope you don't end up 1 win short of the playoffs because this is where it would've happened. 

A win is a win right? You had the balls to start a Deshaun Watson-less Amari Cooper AND Jakobi Meyers without Jimmy G. All of that while Hollywood would've gave you the victory by easily swapping for either of them. I guess you like to tease your opponent until you finish in the end with a proper victory. Pretty sure someone with experience taught you that. 

O'Lave Where Art Thou? 109.75 vs Team DQ 172.05

You feel that carriage turning back into a pumpkin just in time for Halloween? Your team of ragamuffins is finally looking who we all thought they were. You couldn't keep getting away with random luck and here it was. Lucky for you, Jesus still has to deal with the champ curse and Gordon will panic trade, so that prevents you from going all the way to last. But mark my words, this is the beginning of your banishment from the playoffs. 

From worst to first. These type of victories have to feel like a long time coming. CMC playing like an MVP. Godwin remembering who he is. Herbert slinging the rock. All is right with the world. We even got a Scary Terry sighting to kick off October. Congrats on being in first place and continuing to ignore these recaps. 

GAWD 151.50 vs 2 Jones 1 Team 163.55

This one really hurts. Watching the guy I KNEW I wanted to stack get snaked by Adam was dastardly. It was like Adam went back in time to retrieve the AJ Brown stone and then came back to intervene in the draft because he knew this would be the outcome. You even got one of the most coveted things that people across the nation look for - a Falcons passing TD to a non-runningback. Congrats on this win, but you're gonna pay when I see you in the playoffs. 

Call this loss a bad one all you want but I need another outlet because this league treating me funny. I'm seeing progress each week, like "damn, I really did that". Then it gets stressful again and I'm like fuck that. I been trying to get these wins out the mud, but it only fuels DA GAWD for a bigger chip in the playoffs. Til next week.

#Amen