Gawd Didn't (Week 1)

 
Welcome back to another year of the league. Looking back at my last recap during my mythical performance, I foreshadowed the life we're living in today by playing the clip from "Groundhog Day". We've been living through Quis' Inferno because no one has defeated him in the chip yet. I thought, we'd band together and take back Middle Earth from Sauron's Quis' rule by now, but at least week 1 showed a glimmer of hope. Let's recap and see how the first battle went. 

This Team Iz Pangs vs Lamar Morghulis
Is this what you waited all off season to do? First, you drafted like Ciara. You went from dating rappers and drafting all RBs, to getting marrying choir boys and drafting all wide receivers. I get it, your heart was broken. You following the 3 month rule. You're reading "Think like a lady, Act like a Fan". Your team was a true laughing stock on Thursday night and you blessed us with an encore performance on Sunday. The fact that you didn't know you started James Cook and that he proceeded to fumble on his very first play couldn't have been written by comedy greats. Your failures are truly a natural gift. Despite all this, you scored more points than me.......Good luck next week.

Look who came out bullying the mentally disabled remotely. You set the crockpot of a team you had and let the L's simmer for him until you got back from your baseball game. I'm honestly jealous that you got such good production and barely watched a snap. It even looks like you resurrected Saquon's career. Good win week 1 despite the Jets being the Jets. 

My bitches be chubby vs Juanathen Taylor

You win some, you lose some. Stafford gonna need some depends the way he shit the bed on Thursday, but hopefully that's just an outlier and not a plan for the future. I mean, I still think his elbow ends his season by Week 8, but that's plenty of time to get another QB. And while you had a case of the Henry's this week, I think only one will have weekly diarrhea. On the bright side, Antonio Gibson got a stranglehold on his position as long as he don't fumble. Come back ready next week. 

First off, amazing team name. Even better image for the team as well. The only thing better would be a picture of the "real" Juanathan next to Jonathan. You rounded off this victory handspring with a solid performance from your team as well. Not much else can be said but great job. Just know who's really pulling the strings when you look in the mirror. 

QuisPox vs Austin Powers

Well this is a nice surprise. The three time reigning champ losing in Week 1. The commander of chaos lost to someone he's repeatedly beaten down in the chat. I don't know about you, but that Teflon vest you been wearing might need a replacement. Mitchell out for a few months and Keenan Allen might finally go away. I'm sure your confidence won't allow you to believe it, but this might be the time to start planning your end of days and spend a lot of time with the trophy. Each week, I'll recommend a "date night" before the end. This week, just look at a sunset out the window while you cradle the trophy. 

Gordon probably looked at this matchup with tears in his eyes and hate in his heart. After weeks of consistent belittling, you managed to get (what I think) is your first week 1 victory in years. Solid performances from Russ, Kirk and Diggs should keep you winning for a while. Take pride in this win. You're on a journey like those Hobbits but instead of big ass feet you got black forces. 

Pack of Bengals vs 2 Kickers no Kupp?

Eddie, this must have been a nightmare since Thursday night started. Cam Akers started a game and go 0 love. You watched Henderson take carry after carry and kept wondering "Does McVay know he's on the sidelines?". To make matters worse, the Bengal stack you have need a full 5 Qtrs to put together that performance. Now that stack may get you 80 pts most weeks, but the rest of this team gonna need some milk. 

How does it feel to go from the bottom to the top Adam? Movin' on up from the bottom of last year's standings thanks to the Jefferson. This was a strong win out the gate and should give you a nice sunny outlook as you compete for the chip. This type of win should take the edge off that Jets affliction you have.

BlankedOut & Friends vs Team DQ

I've had a hard time describing to people how funny it is that I mentioned Curtis Samuel, you pick him up, drop him when you come to your senses, and then gets 21 points week 1. That's funny. What's sad is that you have a decent team and ran into a better one. You didn't make any bad starts so don't beat yourself up. It's week 1 and there's time to recover. 

DQ, you got a strong win and you might be the only GM in the league without a hurt player through Week 1. You even left some points on the bench. But what did it cost you? Were you happy to watch as your defense proceeded to beat the dogshit out of your beloved team? With that sacrifice, you better win the chip. 

Quisbusters vs Belgrave Bullies

Well this was a surprising beat down. By halftime on Sunday, I was projected to still beat you. Michael Thomas was doing nothing. DJ Chark had no targets. Waddle was watching Hill get doubled. Then a flurry of production came through and it ruined my night. To make matters worse, I watched in horror as Dak mouthed "it's broke" and my Dak Attack Stack crumbled like the house of cards it was. Congratulations on beating me and leaving me in 12th place to right congratulatory recaps for everyone but myself. What are friends for.