Going Bad (Week 15)

Week 15 came and the intensity has increased. The pressure of a 1000 elephants has been put on your teams. While some were reduced to rubble, others changed from coal to diamonds. The final four showed us who were the contenders and who the pretenders. I'm not going to give you guys a bunch a hooplah about the season. Instead, let's focus on how these two matchups played out.

Saquon my balls 111.05 vs This Team Iz America 102.95

Gordon, using Currensy's Full Metal song as your battle theme for a comeback was creative. I had to find out what scene in Full Metal Alchemist that the sample came from. Brings a tear to my eye to see how you almost resurrected your team's soul while its was standing at the gates of hell. It almost happened too when CMC had to throw a 50 yd TD. I really wanted you to win this week for very selfish reasons though. I wanted to be the one to knock you out. Unfortunately, the combination of James Conner, James White, and the Giants forgetting what defense (or offense) looks like has preventing you from reaching that higher level.

See I held on to a picture of you sleeping with drool on the hand for an occasion just like this. You fell asleep at the wheel while having Mike Williams on the bench. You drafted so well when everyone thought you were just joking around with your picks. At times, I thought it was ridiculous but you proved everyone you had the love for Fantasy Football to put together a strong squad. Rough way to go homie. Thanks again for Kareem Hunt - the trifecta wouldn't have been a thing without him. Hopefully you enjoyed the ride this season.

Juan, out of all the mortals in these league, it is only YOU that has believed in the powers that Da GAWD exhibits. For such faith, you've been granted access to the coveted Championship. Each week on Sunday Night or Monday Night - you had to pray, let go and let GAWD. Through all the turmoil and sleepless nights, you've been blessed with the opportunity to come away this season with second place. Week 15 was no different. Your night opened up with CMC throwing the TD that Cam should've thrown. But instead of panicking, you simply went to sleep (as usual) to avoid the massacre that could've happened.

Count these blessings you've seen this season as they will keep you warm. Others in this league could use this type of faith for next season as they plan for ways to get to second place like you. I'll take it easy on you in Week 16.



Special Ed 142.00 vs DA GAWD Corleone 181.25

Ed, I took great pleasure in watching your futile attempts to stop me. This finale was set in motion since Week 3. Back on September 18th, you accepted a John Brown trade for Derrick Henry. You laughed and thought "got em; Derrick Henry won't be shit". Little did you know that DA GAWD plays cosmic chess - this shit ain't even close to checkers. I used Derrick Henry like the Manchurian Candidate so that he could go off  in Weeks 14 and 15 in the event that I met up with you. All this was done to humble you and testify to the awesome powers of DA GAWD. I warned you in your Week 11 recap that all of this would happen. I'M SO FUCKIN' OMNIPOTENT THAT I MADE WENTZ ABANDON YOU TWICE IN ONE SEASON WHEN YOU PLAYED  ME.  This unfortunate series of events must have you thinking of the movie "Groundhog Day".

All season you doubted DA GAWD's abilities. Down to the bitter end, when the DA GAWD offered to accept a prayer for Baker Mayfield, you still lacked the faith. As a result, he put up a paltry 15 points. Meanwhile, Nick Chubb busted out a 40 yd run to get himself into double digits. The plagues didn't stop there though. Like Moses warned Ramses, you kept denying my powers. For each denial, a dud player developed. Saquon nowhere to be found in a game that didn't have Odell Beckham? Unthinkable. Lamar Miller getting hurt in the first quarter and out for the game? No way. Amari Cooper putting in a pedestrian performance after going nuclear the week before? Impossible. Yet it all happened. To add insult to injury, your kicker managed to grant NEGATIVE points for the day like he was a defense. It don't get more plague-y than that. You're only saving grace was the fact DA GAWD had DHop in another league where he still reigns supreme.

I hope you've been humbled by this experience. See you later.



We all knew this day would come. When DA GAWD would reach the pinnacle of Fantasy performance and rise in the chip. DA GAWD has answered prayers, delivered miracles, and absolutely dominated your teams all season. The non-believers were humbled each time and came to realize the power that I/He truly has. Each week, Da GAWD predicted plays with 95% accuracy and hasn't let down anyone all season. DA GAWD is not THE God but DA GAWD. Reaching  back to back chips and conquering another galaxy in a single season is no easy fate. I've haven't just survived. In the universe, I've lost:

• Melvin Gordon
• Aaron Jones
• Jay Ajayi
• Carlos Hyde
• Rex Burkhead
• Marquis Goodwin
• Spencer Ware
• Austin Sefarian Jenkins
• Corey Clement

I think Bill Murray describes the plight of being a GAWD perfectly. I'll let him do the rest of the talking. (Andy McDowell is the trophy - I don't have time to make Gifs. That comes later)

"If you really wanna ball till you fall when your back against the wall and a bunch a niggas need you go to away - Still goin' bad on em anyway."

#Amen

Intro (Week 14)

FINALLY. All the hours spent researching start em sit ems, trade values, and sifting through a depleted waiver wire has gotten us here. THE FIRST WEEK OF THE FANTASY PLAYOFFS. Before I begin recapping the 4 teams that played this week, let's pour out some liquor for our fallen soldiers that couldn't start the correct defense or realize that the Yahoo app had a chat feature. We're all blessed to be in upper echelon of fantasy and we shouldn't take it for granted. Its the end game now. Lets review the results of our first round.

ShuTheBucUp 104.30 vs This Team Iz America 147.20

Hector, you fought real hard to get here. Its no surprise that you lost this game, but you should pat yourself on the back for earning a playoff spot. You went into the first week of the playoffs with a ragtag bunch consisting of Adam Humphries, Bruce (who is he?) Ellington, Curtis 5th option Samuel, and Jordy "Weak in the Knees" Nelson. That lineup is worse than the movie "The Replacements" where people thought Keanu Reeves could be an athlete. You stood tall and took the beating that was due. I hate to get sentimental in a league full of mediocrity, but I think you deserve the speech from Friday Night Lights.

Being great isn't about that scoreboard. Its not about winning. Its about you and your relationship with the girlfriend that distracted you from being a real contender. Being great is about looking her in the eye and KNOW, that you didn't let them down because you told her the truth. The truth is you're bad. There's not one more thing you could've done. You couldn't help Fournette barely playing on a team that collapsed as a defense. Can you live in that moment? With clear eyes and love in your heart. With Aaron Rodgers on your bench most of the season. If you can do that, then you're great. I want you take a moment and look her in the eye, and tell her that you quit fantasy football......forever. I want you to think about Ed, your friend....and that he was happy to take your place as a better fantasy football player.

Gordon, congratulations on advancing to the semi-finals in the playoffs. After everyone lambasted you for trading me Kareem Hunt, it looks like it wouldn't have mattered in the end. You picked a prime spot to lose James Conner considering your opponent bobs for apples in the toilet - and likes it. Your lineup is poised for a monumental matchup next week against Juan and I honestly hope you win. Through all the ups and downs, you've persevered to establish yourself as not a comedian that plays fantasy football - but a true fantasy footballer that happens to tell jokes.

While this wasn't your best output, you should be happy you still have Andrew Luck to guide you to glory and hopefully your RBs come back to form. There will be even larger obstacles for you ahead. Think of this upcoming matchup as that time in 300 when Leonidas and crew were about to get smacked by that group while piling up bodies. Its your second to last battle and you still have hope on your side. Just be wary of hunchbacks that can destroy everything you've worked for while standing up to a GAWD.



Destroyer of Gawds 120.20 vs Green eggs and SAM 187.50

Quis, this week showed us what it would be like if Marvin Lewis coached the Steelers. With all the weapons available to you all season, you have been plagued by injuries, mismanagement, and sheer bad luck. The week you need them most, Melvin Gordon and Odell Beckham abandoned you in the heat of battle. Philip Lindsay decided to do his best Nightcrawler impression and Lesean McCoy acted like he really wanted to play for the Bills. As much as I'm entertained by Shorty during the regular season, your banana peel slips in the playoffs are unmatched. You still hold the record for losing a chip to a guy that starts a TE that threw to the WR to stack points, but this is a whole new level of bad luck. We all know you're better than the results show, but man is it funny to witness.

Take solace in the fact that you won't lose your job as playoff contender and that you'll be right here again next year - when you lose to someone that has to start a 3rd string TE and a 4th string QB.



Ed, I hope you're happy you benefited from DA GAWD's very own blessings. By luck, you had both DHop and Cooper in this galaxy while their triumphs reverberated through the cosmos and blessed you too. I hope you took notice that DA GAWD took the extra effort in starting a great lineup to show you that even at your best, you're still no match for Da GAWD's 232 points. Call it a preview of what's to come.

Regardless, you have managed a fantastic season to this point. While struggling to score points, you got enough wins and had your players show up when it mattered most. As Hector passes the torch of hatred of me from himself to you, realize that with great power comes great responsibility. Don't get crushed from the weight of all the greatness that is expected of you. It will be great and it will be tough. I look forward to our re-match of last year.



#Amen

Amen (Week 13)

Turbulence...is the price we pay....for flying high. Through all the hell and high water that the season offered, me/Him has kept us. We've gotten to this point, regardless of what we had to deal with (catastrophic injuries, under-performers, league altering trades, dumb gms).....because me/Him loves us so much. Now bless each and every one of us as we embark on the playoffs. Let's recap on how we got here and provide the eulogies for those that couldn't make it to the great beyond.

No Longer a Champ 96.55 vs Ended on a High Note 108.05

Adam, I'm happy I don't have to write your recaps anymore. All season you held out hope that Leveon would play. You turned down every trade that could have saved your season. Its like you were at the blackjack table showing 20 and said "hit me". To add insult to injury, your weekly struggles to get to 100 points in this league is Nathan Peterman worthy. You didn't belong here this season. Be happy that you have a chip under your belt AND that you're friends with everyone because this season's performance should've gotten you cut a long time ago. The ball in this image represents winning.




Shorty, you're my favorite unlucky fantasy football player. Each week you provided the "will he/won't he" drama of losing in comical fashion. I'm actually sad to see you not compete in the playoffs. Your team of Brees and Kamara reminded me of Eminem and D-12. Those stars just couldn't support the rest of that failing rag-tag bunch of waiver pickups you call a team. In my book, you're a perennial league player, you just ran into bad luck two seasons in a row. Rest easy big homie.



ShuTheDoorOnGerald 116.95 vs Mute Dave 121.55

Well Hector, you managed to backdoor your way into the playoffs. You were a long shot to make it in the first place, but you did. Your fantasy life was spared for one more week. I really hope that your team doesn't become the Adam of last year, but I highly doubt it. Just imagine if Gerald won his game - you'd be pissed. I don't have much else to say because you're alive and I'd rather save it for the Week 14 recap. Carry on.



In place of Mute Dave's recap, I figured I'd donate his recap to the Women's Shelters of America (nobody wants to read about Mute Dave anymore anyway).

I just want you all to ask yourselves if you would have dropped Kareem Hunt after news of the video and not seeing it, or after the Chiefs released him from team. I had to ask myself if I simply believed the allegations without proof or if I knew the media push would doom him regardless. I still don't know. Now ask yourself if Jay Z released the video while playing against Matthew Berry in a fantasy league....I bet he'd have that type of pull and wouldn't think twice about it. OR MAYBE IT WAS SOLANGE! 

Mute Dave, I'm happy your done.

The Black Zombie 114.50 vs Saquon my balls 139.80

I warned you for weeks that this could happen Gerald. While you tried to wheel and deal trades to avoid this situation, I think it was inevitable. One of your first mistakes was trying to get cute with Jordy Nelson. Then you kept thinking you could be a GAWD. Within a matter of time, you've been reduced to a rotting corpse still trying to enjoy a consolation game. Don't do anymore research. Don't set a proper lineup. Just sit on the sidelines and remember what it was like to be human. Hopefully the have a cure for the T-Virus when we draft next year.

Juan, congratulations on the other bye week. Honestly, you deserved it. Every Sunday and Monday Night, you had to avert your eyes while watching your team lose or almost lose. At one point, you looked destined to fall from grace out of the upper echelon, but you crawled back to sit atop the anointed. You'll have your work cut out for you in Week 15. So sit back and relax on this league while you figure out where things went wrong in your other league. 

SuperCrack 133.20 vs Green Eggs and SAM 129.00

Trav, thank you for beating Ed and putting him back in his place. Other than that, we know where you stand. So now I'm going to use this recap to draft my letter to Melvin so that he plays this week. 

Dear Mr. Gordon,

First and foremost, I want to thank you for being a pillar in my galaxy-wide domination of 4 leagues. I'm writing to you so that we can all win our respective championships. Your sprained MCL is no laughing matter and we need to address it. I beg of you to play Week 14 - both of our playoff hopes depend on it. In return for your sacrifice, I'll donate to a good cause in Waukesha, WI. No don't overextend yourself either. I want you to be healthy. I want to see your grandkids play with my grandkids in the future because I helped save the knee that won a Championship for the DA GAWD and DA CHARGA'S. In that future you would have gone on to be the leading rusher of all time. 

Signed - Da GAWD

And he'd joke and say "How did you know?" And I'd tell him I'm a Fantasy Football Gawd.

Ed, you seem to be cruisin' for a bruisin'. All season you've defied my warnings against your team. With your cupcake early wins and your bullshit schedule, you've managed to stick around for the playoffs. Unfortunately for you, both you AND the Jets will lose Week 14 for your blaspheming ways. Its not easy being green. Until then, keep focusing on the idea that you can defeat me.

This Team Iz Hurt 136.85 vs Destroyer of Gawds 150.50

Gordon, you must be reeling from Week 13's cruel jokes. Just like Da GAWD in another galaxy, Jared Goff was started and he was a dud. Looks like both lost a bit of something in our trade with each other. I lost Hunt and you lost the bye week. To add insult to injury, James Conner goes down when you need him the most. EVEN WORSE, is that your kicker and your favorite team put up a whopping 0 points. Truly sad. I can definitely feel the hurt emanating from your team. Just remember that you have a strong team while competing Week 14. 

Quis, what else should I have expected but for you to be in the playoffs. You are the 90-94 Buffalo Bills of this league. You have great performances and stay in the mix no matter the setbacks or the schedule laid before you. While it would be my PLEASURE to knock you out of the playoffs personally, I'm not so sure I'll even play you. I'll be looking very closely at your Week 14 matchup as my source of entertainment in this league. I'll let the other GAWDs know of the mortal that has challenged us all. 

No One Had a Shot 68.55 vs Da GAWD 158.05 

Jesus, you're another GM that I'm sad to see not make it to the playoffs. As last year's most wins and points holder, this must have felt like quite the let down this season. You had some pretty bad luck with your players and even worse luck with your schedule. When Da GAWD wins, I will instate a rule where every player has to donate 5 dollars towards your one way plane ticket for the draft. Other than that, you're on your own. It was a pleasure beating you twice. 

You all had to know this was how the season would end as soon as you saw my potential in Week 2. DA GAWD has absolutely ravaged each of your teams and no sits on high in the coveted #1 bye week slot. The playoffs are here and its the new testament - except I'm the last 5 chapters. The Revelation of my very calculated season is upon you. The Rapture is here.