Amen (Week 13)

Turbulence...is the price we pay....for flying high. Through all the hell and high water that the season offered, me/Him has kept us. We've gotten to this point, regardless of what we had to deal with (catastrophic injuries, under-performers, league altering trades, dumb gms).....because me/Him loves us so much. Now bless each and every one of us as we embark on the playoffs. Let's recap on how we got here and provide the eulogies for those that couldn't make it to the great beyond.

No Longer a Champ 96.55 vs Ended on a High Note 108.05

Adam, I'm happy I don't have to write your recaps anymore. All season you held out hope that Leveon would play. You turned down every trade that could have saved your season. Its like you were at the blackjack table showing 20 and said "hit me". To add insult to injury, your weekly struggles to get to 100 points in this league is Nathan Peterman worthy. You didn't belong here this season. Be happy that you have a chip under your belt AND that you're friends with everyone because this season's performance should've gotten you cut a long time ago. The ball in this image represents winning.




Shorty, you're my favorite unlucky fantasy football player. Each week you provided the "will he/won't he" drama of losing in comical fashion. I'm actually sad to see you not compete in the playoffs. Your team of Brees and Kamara reminded me of Eminem and D-12. Those stars just couldn't support the rest of that failing rag-tag bunch of waiver pickups you call a team. In my book, you're a perennial league player, you just ran into bad luck two seasons in a row. Rest easy big homie.



ShuTheDoorOnGerald 116.95 vs Mute Dave 121.55

Well Hector, you managed to backdoor your way into the playoffs. You were a long shot to make it in the first place, but you did. Your fantasy life was spared for one more week. I really hope that your team doesn't become the Adam of last year, but I highly doubt it. Just imagine if Gerald won his game - you'd be pissed. I don't have much else to say because you're alive and I'd rather save it for the Week 14 recap. Carry on.



In place of Mute Dave's recap, I figured I'd donate his recap to the Women's Shelters of America (nobody wants to read about Mute Dave anymore anyway).

I just want you all to ask yourselves if you would have dropped Kareem Hunt after news of the video and not seeing it, or after the Chiefs released him from team. I had to ask myself if I simply believed the allegations without proof or if I knew the media push would doom him regardless. I still don't know. Now ask yourself if Jay Z released the video while playing against Matthew Berry in a fantasy league....I bet he'd have that type of pull and wouldn't think twice about it. OR MAYBE IT WAS SOLANGE! 

Mute Dave, I'm happy your done.

The Black Zombie 114.50 vs Saquon my balls 139.80

I warned you for weeks that this could happen Gerald. While you tried to wheel and deal trades to avoid this situation, I think it was inevitable. One of your first mistakes was trying to get cute with Jordy Nelson. Then you kept thinking you could be a GAWD. Within a matter of time, you've been reduced to a rotting corpse still trying to enjoy a consolation game. Don't do anymore research. Don't set a proper lineup. Just sit on the sidelines and remember what it was like to be human. Hopefully the have a cure for the T-Virus when we draft next year.

Juan, congratulations on the other bye week. Honestly, you deserved it. Every Sunday and Monday Night, you had to avert your eyes while watching your team lose or almost lose. At one point, you looked destined to fall from grace out of the upper echelon, but you crawled back to sit atop the anointed. You'll have your work cut out for you in Week 15. So sit back and relax on this league while you figure out where things went wrong in your other league. 

SuperCrack 133.20 vs Green Eggs and SAM 129.00

Trav, thank you for beating Ed and putting him back in his place. Other than that, we know where you stand. So now I'm going to use this recap to draft my letter to Melvin so that he plays this week. 

Dear Mr. Gordon,

First and foremost, I want to thank you for being a pillar in my galaxy-wide domination of 4 leagues. I'm writing to you so that we can all win our respective championships. Your sprained MCL is no laughing matter and we need to address it. I beg of you to play Week 14 - both of our playoff hopes depend on it. In return for your sacrifice, I'll donate to a good cause in Waukesha, WI. No don't overextend yourself either. I want you to be healthy. I want to see your grandkids play with my grandkids in the future because I helped save the knee that won a Championship for the DA GAWD and DA CHARGA'S. In that future you would have gone on to be the leading rusher of all time. 

Signed - Da GAWD

And he'd joke and say "How did you know?" And I'd tell him I'm a Fantasy Football Gawd.

Ed, you seem to be cruisin' for a bruisin'. All season you've defied my warnings against your team. With your cupcake early wins and your bullshit schedule, you've managed to stick around for the playoffs. Unfortunately for you, both you AND the Jets will lose Week 14 for your blaspheming ways. Its not easy being green. Until then, keep focusing on the idea that you can defeat me.

This Team Iz Hurt 136.85 vs Destroyer of Gawds 150.50

Gordon, you must be reeling from Week 13's cruel jokes. Just like Da GAWD in another galaxy, Jared Goff was started and he was a dud. Looks like both lost a bit of something in our trade with each other. I lost Hunt and you lost the bye week. To add insult to injury, James Conner goes down when you need him the most. EVEN WORSE, is that your kicker and your favorite team put up a whopping 0 points. Truly sad. I can definitely feel the hurt emanating from your team. Just remember that you have a strong team while competing Week 14. 

Quis, what else should I have expected but for you to be in the playoffs. You are the 90-94 Buffalo Bills of this league. You have great performances and stay in the mix no matter the setbacks or the schedule laid before you. While it would be my PLEASURE to knock you out of the playoffs personally, I'm not so sure I'll even play you. I'll be looking very closely at your Week 14 matchup as my source of entertainment in this league. I'll let the other GAWDs know of the mortal that has challenged us all. 

No One Had a Shot 68.55 vs Da GAWD 158.05 

Jesus, you're another GM that I'm sad to see not make it to the playoffs. As last year's most wins and points holder, this must have felt like quite the let down this season. You had some pretty bad luck with your players and even worse luck with your schedule. When Da GAWD wins, I will instate a rule where every player has to donate 5 dollars towards your one way plane ticket for the draft. Other than that, you're on your own. It was a pleasure beating you twice. 

You all had to know this was how the season would end as soon as you saw my potential in Week 2. DA GAWD has absolutely ravaged each of your teams and no sits on high in the coveted #1 bye week slot. The playoffs are here and its the new testament - except I'm the last 5 chapters. The Revelation of my very calculated season is upon you. The Rapture is here.