Week 6 is in the books and your teams have (once again) proven to be no match for the challenges set up in front of you. To the select few who won, remember that you're pretty much playing in a 8 man league at the moment. Your skills are mediocre at best. Read below for your weekly bread and nourish your teams that are starving for a win.
BuckleUp 91.95 vs This Team Iz America 161.05
When a single player accounts for half of a team's points, that's usually a sign of problems. The Herculean effort Aaron Rodgers did only salvaged an almost 70 pt FINAL score. Hector is out here frolicking through leaves with his woman without a care in the world while his team is functioning like a diabetic sloth. Someone save him from himself. I bet he even turns off the notifications while out and says "t
Gordon, I'm not sure if you're luck is panning out better or if Andrew Luck is who you thought he was. Outside of the Jarvis Landy and Latavius Murray potential swap, you put some good skills to use and almost had an optimal lineup. Can you make the playoffs? Will you go far? These are questions nobody really cares about because James Connor's floor about to get shaky. Next week you have a matchup that can put you in a solid position to be in the playoffs.
Trix Rabbit 108.90 vs No One 126.05
Its getting harder and harder to understand the moves you're making each week Shorty. I had to get out a graphing calculator and figure out the probability of you managing to have a WIDE RECEIVER finish with negative points in a ppr league. What are the chances that the one catch a wr makes, ends up in a fumble and said catch is for less than 10 yds and they NEVER see the field again. With that type of lightning strike, you should play the lottery tonight and share with everyone. But in reality you'd win and lose the ticket. You even manage to bring out the worst in teams. They stoop to your level and struggle to score points but STILL beat you. If wins were Trix cereal, you'd be the Trix rabbit at this point - silly rabbit.
Jesus, don't be proud of yourself this week. It took a Sunday night save from Playstation to get your team out of the Trav/Shorty loser-go-round. At some point, you're going to start the right RB. You didn't pick up Collins and only to bench him all season. Your lack of trigger pulling will have you beating yourself up in the playoffs. Use the players you covet so much and do better. As last year's points and wins leader, this win should be a disgrace.
Helen Keller 121.90 vs Green Eggs and SAM 164.55
Not only are you Mute Dave, you're blind, probably deaf and clearly dumb. The Titans have been ATROCIOUS all season and you pick the game that they play the defensive juggernaut Baltimore Ravens to pick the Titans Defense AND START Corey Davis? Walk me through your logic. Please explain the Rain-Man math that got you to the conclusion that THE TITANS would s have a dominant offense to keep the ball out of the Ravens hands and get turnovers. That's right, you can't explain it because you're mute and don't realize this recap exists.
You must be really proud of yourself Ed. Dare I say that you are truly Special.....Ed. Your confidence and blissful ignorance go hand in hand. You truly think you have a championship caliber team and that you'll end up with most wins huh? (Because points are clearly out the question). I'm genuinely tired of explaining how awful your team is. From now on, I wish you only the best. I hope you have a wonderful sunday afternoon sipping pumpkin spice lattes while wearing a Jet's scarf and take duckface selfies with #ilovefall in the caption. But when you run into true talent this season, don't say I didn't warn you.
Where Do I Begin? 150.35 vs Saquon My Balls 187.85
You can let it all out now Trav. Its over. You can give up the ghost. Repent for all your sins now so that you don't come in last place. This is the altar call for you to get right with DA GAWD. Next year, we can prepare better. You can do less blaspheming and let DA GAWD get what he wants. Haven't you seen enough of the miracles by now? DA GAWD told Juan not to lose and immediately, Tyreek Hill gets 3 TDs. DA GAWD told you to give him Melvin and now Freeman has been sent to IR. If none of this reaches you, you are destined to be shamed in the chat every-time your icon shows you read something. Repent or delete the app......or just quit.
Do you finally believe Juan? Are you in awe of the miracles that DA GAWD can bestow. In a game where DA GAWD could have easily had Kelce go for the 3 TDs, DA GAWD chose YOUR player to be blessed. It ain't Thanksgiving but be thankful. Prior to my blessing, you were losing to the likes of last place GMs like Adam. Now you're right back in the playoff hunt with enough points to give DA GAWD a run for the money. Keep this up and you might be blessed to defeat Ed.
Adam Team is Irrelevant 139.10 vs Destroyer of Gawds 171.80
Adam, do you still have Beanie Babies and Pogs? The way you hold on to your investments until they're absolutely worthless is amazing. You've held L.Bell for 7 weeks of no production as if he's going to come back and light it up. You are the very definition of a Sunk Cost Fallacy and you refuse to admit it. Even worse, you can't even get close to the value for Bell that you could have weeks ago to give you the fighting chance towards the playoffs that you needed. Next time its garbage day, print a picture of your roster, tape it to your trash can and throw yourself/phone/app in there too.
Quis, Melvin has been blessing you by proxy of DA GAWD's divine other galaxies. At this point, I'm rooting for you to make it all the way to the chip vs DA GAWD. I'm gonna ask your girl to facetime my wife so that I can see your face as my points stack up and the defeat settles on your face. Enjoy the re-branding of your team towards being victorious. It sets up the bigger fall that I'll enjoy.
NeedsPrayer 127.05 vs DA 1 AND ONLY GAWD 175.40
As the season went on, I knew your head would get too big and you'd think you were a GAWD. By Week 5, you were making predictions and gathering your own followers. But I knew you'd take on this role before the season started. Do you now see the difference between DA GAWD and being A GAWD? Plagues were set across your team and everyone under-performed. Even Todd GAWDLY couldn't prevent this beating you were due for. Meditate on this message as you prepare for the rest of the season. Stop trying to be GAWD......that's just not your........job.
To the uninitiated, it may have looked as though Quis' name change gave him the strength to take DA GAWD down. As you can see with the late Goodwin pickup AND START, DA GAWD's powers are alive and well. The holy trinity is in full effect and the four horseman are out to play. The end is nigh for you shit-sippin simps. Da GAWD has come to clean house, run the table, and boast bountiful trophies in the highest point of Olympus. You've been warned.
#amen
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