Everybody Mad (Week 4)

Week 4 is in the books and it was quite eventful. You mouth breathers tried to veto a league shattering trade that went on to prove that DA GAWD is both gracious AND omnipotent. Plagues were felt among the non-believers and believers alike. But, there was a silver lining. We now know that this is a 9 man league! The bad news is that there’s only 5 playoff spots available for you fantasy football impostors. Let’s see what else we learned.

The Little Engine that Can’t 94.50 vs Mute Dave 144.55

I’m starting to wonder how the fuck you have 1 win Adam. You’ve been struggling to get to 100 pts week after week like this is a standard league. Players get points for catching colds and you can’t get 100. Your kicker is your second best player each week and you have the nerve to hold a trophy. Here’s some advice that won’t help you but……whatevs. If you’re going to get a 37+ year old TE, at least get Antonio Gates – he’s a future HOF. Or maybe, JUST MAYBE, make a fucking trade. No one is handing you a prize for holding Bell.

Mute Dave, congratulations – you didn’t beat yourself. If you’re not gonna contribute to the chat, I’m not contributing to the recap. You’ve been blessed with a bounce back win though.

Charlie Brown 128.65 vs Green eggs and SAM 136.65

Poor poor Shorty. Every week, I look for the interesting ways you fail to get a win. Every week, the league sets you up and then you face-plant. When you finally get a working Baldwin, Cook takes a leave of absence. When you have Crabtree, you go against John Brown and lose out on the touchdowns. When I look at your team, it makes me think you  took a long, legs-fall-asleep shit after you drafted Kamara and didn't come back til Drew Brees was available. I just want to thank you for the laughs. A Josh Gordon failed drug test might make me piss myself with laughter this week.

Ed, you’re defying gravity right now. I want you to appreciate the blessings you’ve been given to live so close to Olympus. Look across at your opponent. Same point total as you yet here you are at 4-0 and he’s at 1-forever. You should have some survivor’s remorse that you made it out the trap while Shorty hustles for W’s. If you don’t look down, your belief might take you into the playoffs. Cause as soon as you realize your team is shined-up shit, you’re doomed.

Owen 146.30 vs No One 192.30

You give up yet Trav? I’d bet you turned off notifications in the league chat just to give you the peace of mind that Fantasy Football doesn’t exist anymore. By Thursday night, you already lost. I’m gonna fill you in on a little secret. The very moment you repent and say “DA GAWD is GREAT, I REPENT” all your sins will be washed away. Da GAWD will allow you to have a semblance of a season again. Until then, your players will continue to catch plagues. If you don’t believe me, then riddle me this. How do you have more points than Adam but not have a win?

Jesus, you almost had top points of the week. While I may have beaten you like a step-child two weeks ago, you’ve become stronger for it. You’re standing on your own two feet and making trades that actually work. You’re following the blueprint. You have a playoff spot in your future as long as you keep this up. You might even come in 2nd for a 2nd year in a row. 

Hector or Specter? 149.20 vs Destroyer of Gawds 155.50

Hector has been ghost for most of this week. I don't know if its because he's preppin' for Halloween or seeing a  new young lady in his life. First off, you’ll lose a lot wins chasing women, but you’ll never lose women chasing wins. Secondly, its amazing that you got let down again on Monday night. Just when you thought Amari Cooper could save your season, it looks like Jared Cook outproduced him - again. How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice?

Quis, congratulations on your confidence boosting win. I relish the thought of you feeling some momentum only for me to smack you back to Earth. You have a bunch of useless players on your bench and you can’t rally enough Avengers to take on DA GAWD. This time around, you’ll be wishing DA GAWD went on vacation. You will be reduced back to 2-3 with the rest of the peasants sooner than later. See you week 5.

This Team Can’t Catch a Break 152.25 vs BigBlkPipeSlayr 165.55

This loss actually affected DA GAWD. After silencing the naysayers of the awesome trade with ELITE QB Goff, you were destined for a win. I thought baptizing you in blessings would be just the thing to get your team back on track. You’re third in points but your record doesn’t reflect the talent. Stay the course, Da GAWD’s trade will take you to the playoffs.

Gerald, this game showed us why you were the first disciple of DA GAWD’s gospel. Defending the trade and believing in yourself granted you the blessing of a win. After beginning the season shaky, your squad looks like a formidable contestant for a playoff spot. As long as you don’t do silly things like starting Wilkins over Ty Montgomery against the shitty Bills, you’ll be fine.

Saquon DA GAWD’s Balls 180.95 vs The Most High GAWD 194.80

Leading up to this week, DA GAWD thought he’d pay a visit to Juan’s house and put a ransom note in his mailbox. It would have magazine cutout letters, and a picture of a huge W tied up in rope  saying, "If you don't repent, you’ll never see me again". But I chose not to. Instead I simply had the galactic vision to see into the future. This is how that vision went:

Thursday Septemeber 27^th, 2018 (Law and Order sound)

Juan: Babe, I think I’m gonna do it. Randall tried to get away with some ridiculous trade but I know I can still beat him. Thielen just went crazy!

Wife: That’s great honey

Sunday September 30^th, 2018 (Law and Order sound)

Juan: Babe, you’ll never believe it. He’s going down. He’s been making fun of my choices for 2 years. I can’t wait to shut him up. I’m actually winning. One more day.

Wife: I’m so proud of you

Monday October 1^st, 2018 11:45 PM (Law and Order sound)

Juan: 

Wife: Take out the trash……and put yourself in it too.

It was always me vs the league……until I found its me vs me. 

In Week 4 of 2016, the league cackled and ridiculed DA GAWD’s statement of Matt Ryan being a top 5 QB. He went on that Week 4 to have a monster game and continued on to MVP. Week 4 of 2018 and the league howl’d that the trade for Goff was unfair. He went on to have a monster game. Looks like the more things change the more they stay the same. Da GAWD has now made everybody mad. His team has assembled to maximum power. He’s reached Golden Frieza status. The end is nigh bitches.

#Amen