Cuffin' Season

“For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Luke 14:11

Now we gotta say goodbye to the summer. Now its getting chilly and that’s the Fall comin’. RBs and WR’s dropped like the leaves are about to. So many of your teams were humbled this week while many became exalted for their achievements. Week 3 showed us you can’t take anything for granted. Its time to get your handcuff players ready to step up because the Fall is just starting. Lets recap the dumb mistakes your teams made Week 3 to the points where the avg score was barely 130 pts.

The ChopShop 68.70 vs No One 109.40

Not even 70 pts playa? Looking at your team, you’d think you were ravaged by injuries and got stuck picking up players from the waivers. But that’s not what happened. You DRAFTED Bilal Powell and Pierre Garcon. AJ Green can’t be your whole team. Its like you made your first two picks and then let Jesus take the wheel. I don’t know why you even hold Bell at this point. Just sell your junkyard team for scraps and take pictures with the trophy before its all over.

Jesus, way to recover from the thorough beating you took last week. Not like your team performed well or anything, its just that you managed to get over 100 pts. Don’t expect to get wins like this every week. Thank DA GAWD that your schedule was setup for a cakewalk this week. Da GAWD will continue to spot you on this tough climb to a playoff spot. Until then, keep praying Mark Ingram takes touches from Kamara.

Employer of Frawds 105.95 vs 126.15 BigBlkPipeslayr

After assembling your avengers, it turned into a civil war. Lindsay gets ejected. Brady and Hogan can’t manage to beat a Bellichek assistant. Then, the same Fitzmagic (you tried to dump off) managed to ball on the bench and could've given you the win . DA GAWD even offered the advice of sitting Hogan but your disobedient eardrums decided to stick with him. When DA GAWD meets you Week 5, you’ll wish you offered Melvin Gordon for a kicker.

Gerald, congrats on win number 2. Your irrational belief in your team's abilities paid off again. Then again, you managed to leave almost 100 pts on the bench. I know, you “sat them” to rest up for next week. Don’t think that lightening is gonna strike twice. Stay #blessed for doing DA LAWD’s work and banishing Da GAWD’s opponents to the depths of 1-2.

WhatTheBucIsUp? 114.65 vs Saquon my balls 148.40

Live by the Amari Cooper, die by the Amari Cooper right? Your arrogance had you benching Big Ben against the Fitzmagic you believe you in so much. Did you really expect to win this week? Da GAWD’s Amari Cooper plague will stay with your team for the rest of the season. Your undying love for Chris Thompson has failed you. Start looking up ice skating events with your girl cause you won’t be in the playoffs come December. Someone might as well be happy if it ain’t you or your team.

Juan, way to recover from the blindsided smack to the face that Gerald gave you last week. Solid performances from everyone on your squad even though you left points on the bench. Its cuffin season and you got a few cuffs to last you through the fall. Unfortunately, DA GAWD will render you useless after Week 4. Enjoy this precious time between now and then with your family. They’ll insulate you from the madness that will befall your team.

SuperClose to a Win 143.20 vs 144.40 Fuck You Bell

Trav managed to turn the 0-2 into the 0-3.  This week made that crazy trade look better than expected. Robert Woods came through to give Shorty the sweats. You ALMOST got your win. Just 1 catch for 3 yards by OJ Howard would’ve put you over the top. But no. You’re doomed to repeatedly lose for this season after not following DA GAWD’s commandments. Keep struggling til you repent.

Shorty, your struggle to get your first win has been entertaining. After having your entire bench prove useless, you were forced to start the players you did with your back against the wall. Just remember that you’ve been granted some blessings these first few weeks. Brees and Kamara gonna have Ingram come between them like Yoko Ono did to the Beatles. I just hope you continue to almost lose/win in ridiculous fashion like this all season. Its funnier than watching a person trip and fall.

This Team iz 1-2 155.30 vs Green eggs and SAM 158.55

"If only". That’s what Gordon repeated as he rocked himself to sleep in the depths of 1-2 blankets. If only Andrew Luck didn’t have a prosthetic arm being controlled by Jacoby Brisset. If only Mike Williams was started over Randall Cobb. If only JuJu got 1 more catch for 24 yards. If only……he had a chance at the chip. Now that you know your QB couldn’t come back against DA GAWD’s team NOR injury, it might be time to get that trade talk going again.

Ed, you’re on an amazing run. Even doing dumb shit like holding two defenses AND two kickers hasn't stopped you from entering the upper echelon with Da GAWD. After seemingly prepared to lose, your squad managed to call upon the heavens for a Mike Evans TD that decimated many fantasy players across the galaxy. Either way, enjoy the run just like Fitzmagic has. It’ll come crashing down sooner than later.

Mute Dave 132.20 vs DA GAWD aka The First Y Chromosome aka Nebula Knuckles 157.00

Dave, I’m sure you felt robbed while you watched Mike Williams take all the Keenan Allen glory. You sat by idly as the Patriots forgot Gronk exists. But the most painful event of all was watching Matt Ryan light up the scoreboard on your bench. Did you think “I can’t start em, he’ll just throw to Julio!”. JULIO HASN’T HAD A TD IN 19 FUCKING GAMES. YOU THOUGHT THAT STREAK WOULD END??? Dust yourself off, get your notepad out and start communicating with the league to find out how to be better.

DA GAWD is now on his way to repeating the streak of last year. Flexing on you bitches every bone and muscle and sitting comfortably at 3-0 in the grand palace of Olympus. DA GAWD is just high off the power of owning each of your teams week after week. Bow your heads and pay your tithes, because DA GAWD is coming to collect.

#Amen