“And the beast was given a mouth uttering haughty and blasphemous words, and it was allowed to exercise authority for forty-two months” - Da Good Book
Lord have mercy on your pitiful Week 10 performances. We had two matchups decided by less than a point on Monday night. Da preached not to set trip on a Sunday or you gon' get played Monday. Maybe you window lickers are too dumb to realize things, but there’s only A FEW MUTHAFUCKIN WEEKS TIL THE PLAYOFFS. The race for the chip is tighter than Ed’s sphincter on Monday night. With 5 teams at 5-5 and Beard hangin’ on by his point total, there’s little room for error. Let’s review how you bitches squandered opportunities for the 50-11th time.
SeeingRed 111.80 vs PlagueDodger 112.25
Ed, please explain to the jury how the fuck you managed to start the wrong players from the same games? Humphries instead of Doug Martin and Hunter Henry instead of Sammy Watkins. Jared Goff been goin’ off and you put your playoff hopes in the hands of the 4th WR that has the BACKUP throwin to him. You gettin’ your research from the tabloids in the checkout lines or somethin? Just when you started actin’ like a real GM, you went full retard on your squad. I hope this loss stays with you even in the offseason.
As guessed, this was the game of the week. Hector, I don’t know how you gettin’ wins the last two weeks. I mean, we know you got some serious help during Gerald’s meltdown and that dumbass trade, but you on borrowed time playa. Lucky for you, you’ll probably make the playoffs. Unlucky for you, you’re gonna hold on to Jordy Nelson like an idiot thinking things will get better in Green Bay. The fall for you is gonna be harder the longer you dodge these plagues.
2015 Pete Carroll 103.90 vs No One 104.10
2 yards my nigga? 2 yards was all that separated you between the playoff bound and mediocrity? Da GAWD can’t be more pleased in this failure. After last year’s hopes in Will Fuller and the “All he does is score touchdowns” you no longer believed in him. The same Will Fuller that could’ve got you the win. The same Will Fuller that you can no longer use because,AS PROPHESIED, dat nigga hurt. I mean damn. Don’t worry though, your punishment is gonna be more severe as you get even closer and miss the playoffs.
Jesus, you were at the wheel the whole time right? The one week when your entire squad was on bye, you managed to get the win. If the rest of the league didn’t know, this was the ONE week he was supposed to go down (besides that loss to Da GAWD he suffered early in the season). This season, you puttin the real Adam Schefter to shame. In the meantime, start bookin’ your flight for NJ around Christmas - its better for you to see Da GAWD in all his glory as he holds the trophy. Destiny for the playoffs is in your hands.
Shit Show 105.50 vs Finally Got A STREAK 168.60
G, good job for having the self respect to diss your own squad. This isn’t an entire meltdown, but Da GAWD don’t understand the panic of last week. Now is the time for fear. Luckily you dodged the trade for Freeman since AP still has SOME hope. But now the schedule gettin colder, the devil on your shoulder, and the weak are gettin bolder. The blessings that have been bestowed on you this season have come to an end. Stay blessed even in the dark days of the playoff race.
Everyone’s feel good story of the season. After crying memes lookin for RBs and not giving a shit about his team, Shorty is finally at that point in the movie when everything’s lookin up. He’s at the point where he escaped from the Demogorgon dogs, and running through the building. But Week 13 is gonna be the point he pauses. He looks at the playoffs and smiles, and then gets MAULED by the Demogorgons as his wife screams in terror that she won’t get that newlywed bag she wanted. ANYWAY, enjoy the win Rudy, you deserve it.
Hangin’ w/Hernandez 137.50 vs Juan 116.40
I honestly don’t know why I still write your recaps. There’s nothing redeeming about your team. No matter how many points you put up, we all know you (Juan) set up this team for a free win against your other team. This matchup was like the kids that would make a super team and play the computer and think “I’m good”. Its just so sad to see such production wasted. You couldn’t even use this point total to play spoiler to someone. Instead, your gonna manage to give Beard a playoff spot or somethin.
Juan, the same above goes for you. How you manage to put up points at the worst time is amusing, but this Juanathan thing is getting outta hand. Next time ya’ll cuddled up near the fire drinking cosmo’s, tell him you’ll give him a handy if he at least posts in the chat.
Lost Lobos 130.05 vs (I don’t know how I feel about this name yet) 138.95
1 player away from a victory and the breath of life for playoff hopes huh? At least you got some company with you in last place since you and the two Juan’s are tied for last. For your dignity sake, don’t come in last. You AT LEAST managed to find the right team in the app to start some decent players. Maybe have a side bet with the other bottom feeders, but make it 2-1 odds since Juan counts as two. Its been a rough year, but at least its almost over and you can put this shit behind you.
Rich, congratulations on beating last place. After Da GAWD brought you back to Earth, you had to get a moral victory to know you won. Its like you just broke up with winning and then had to just smash losing to get your confidence back. But remember, you’re still 1 loss away from being right back out the playoffs and this little victory should be short lived. Why you’re still expecting Austin Hooper to keep producing is beyond me, but Da GAWD don’t interfere with free will. Just promise me you’ll out the playoffs so I don’t have to write your name in for the playoff recaps.
Weird in the North 113.70 vs The Almighty GAWD 119.15
For a team 2nd in points, you all must be wondering how he managed to put up a lowly 113. Let Da GAWD fill you amateurs in on a lil somethin. Beard had no shot against the aura of blessings that surrounds Da GAWD’s squad. Analysts predicted a major revenge game for the Jets and Bucs QBs. Then Da GAWD sent up the holiest of prayers after leaving Thomas Rawls in the lineup. What proceeded next was a Lockett and Kroft meltdown. Beard its been a rough season, but you weren’t prepared for the war wit DA GAWD. Stick to watchin' GoT and a warm snuggie. Its cold outside the playoffs.
Da GAWD gotta admit this wasn’t an easy win. But the way ya’ll been plottin’ on his downfall is more energy for the success. Ya’ll thought 2nd place points was gonna take me out. DA GAWD fucked the league raw when he came in it. You sent your devils to bring me back to mortal levels but it ain't happenin'. You couldn’t stop him if you tried. The competition want Da GAWD dead or alive. Bow ya heads and get ready to pay ya tithes……….CAUSE THE DEVIL IS LIEE!!!!!!
#Amen
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