What Would Meek Do (Week 6)

Welcome back to your weekly dose of recaps sponsored by yours truly, The Black Connor MacLeod aka The Bye Week Bully aka The Prophet that Profits aka A$AP TDs aka Waiver Wire Warlord, aka Your Grace, #Oracle, Fahrenheit Fingertips, Goofy Tony and the Celestial Quartet, aka Garden State Nate, better known as DA GAWD. We're halfway through the regular season and the standings are looking tight. Let's review how we got to such a close race for chance at the chip (which currently resides in Valhalla).

Snorlax 100.25 vs HOP off deez nuks 125.70

Juan, I hope the trip to DR gave you the drunken stupor to numb the pain of this loss. Between your drunk texts of "love ya" and pics of you being laid out on a bed with shoes on, I think you ignored the fact that you were vacationing with your opponent this week. I can't blame you for abandoning your team this week. Davante Adams is still out and most your players are on bye you actually don't have any options. The waiver wire looks like the crumby bits at the end of the cereal box and this was the best you could do. Take solace in the fact Tyreek Hill came back to get you over the hump of 100 pts. I know its gonna be hard to keep the faith, but maybe your team can get you to the promised land like this gif.



My man Shorty. You were able to enjoy the benefits of a win AND a great trip to DR. Not sure if you're aware, but your opponent lead us to believe that your kidneys had the capacity of a large 2nd grader and that you'd be in danger of being left amongst your in-laws folks. It looks like YOU had the last laugh though in this one. You had the better producers in each of the matchups between both players. You had Wentz, he had Ertz. You had Tucker, he had Boyd. This win wasn't pretty since you didn't really blow the roof off points - but a wins a win. Proud of you Black man.



falseProfits 107.85 vs Green Eggs and SAM 159.10

Early on Sunday, Adam had a premonition. As Jameis continued to make his bid as the new spokesman for Entenmann's, Adam said "sure am happy I benched him.....I think". Its like a little voice inside said "Despite Jameis managing to lose more points than some QBs can even get in a game, maybe I should've started him". It hurts to be right. Gardener Minshew managed to mince you're points (I tried a bad pun). On the bright side you still got some solid players. Catch some people on a bad bye week and you might be back in the running for a playoff spot. Til then, do the opposite of the Bucs and find a new QB.



Eddie, looks like things are shaping up just like last year. Coasting through the regular season and making trades to enhance your chances at the chip. You even believed in your Jet while staring in the face of a Cowboys team that everyone had pegged to win. This win had just a little extra to it didn't it. Its a shame you had to sacrifice one of your own men in green but decision had to be made right? Keep that 2nd place seat warm for my way up. I should be there in no time. You hear my foot steps yet?



Los Lobos 112.65 vs No One 136.40

It was all good just 3 weeks ago right? When Emmanuel Sanders turned the clock back to 2011 and Dalvin Cook told Kirk Cousins to stop throwing the ball, you thought you couldn't do no wrong. But now you're falling from grace. You flew too close to the sun. Somehow, I don't think you'll be in this middle of the pack for very long, but its been rough few weeks for you. Both Gordons under-performing had to get under your skin. You better start steering this ship out of the way of the iceberg waiting for you or you'll end up like the titanic.



Jesus, business as usual - amirite? You dodging landmines and staying in the top spot. Your defense is putting up better numbers than half of the teams RB1's and WR1's COMBINED - all with Saquon on the bench. You must be sleeping really well nowadays with such a cushy lead and command of this league's ship. But just like the matrix, this is all veiled control. At some point, this team is gonna turn into a pumpkin at the worst time. Just enjoy the ball til the clock reads week 12........Cinderfella.



This Team iz Lost 114.25 vs BUCeMDowN 155.85

I've never one to hold my tongue on an "I Told You So". In the midst of your comedic stupor, you not only missed an opportunity of knocking down the first place holder, but you also didn't bank the needed win to compensate for this week's loss. To make matters worse, you're breathing life into the Cheech of the league. I get it, the entire Rams offense let you down. Boo-fuckin-hoo. This game ain't nice. Its raw. Its the jungle. Ain't no expectations that can be counted on. You only can get it what you get while you here - until you die. Oh and if you're gonna hold two mediocre defenses, at least pick the one that faces a QB that has as many INTs as Lamar Jackson has TDs.



Hector, thank your lucky stars that Gordon has been an idiot over the last few weeks. You had no business making that stupid trade. Sure, Diggs blew up THIS week, but do you think your squad of RB2s and WR2s can take you the distance? Even worse, you trade for Brady AFTER he's played some of the worst teams in the league. Mark my GAWDLY words that Tom Brady won't even finish the season fantasy healthy. I know, you don't believe me - what's new? What's new is that when it all happens here in plain words, I'll have more ammunition to make an example out of you for years to come. So you won - big whoop.



FlaccOFF 145.60 vs SuperCRACK 163.85

Each week, I take great pleasure in watching you stash MASSIVE points on the bench. This week in particular was especially nice. As I told you early in the season, you'll be forced to keep starting Kelce because its the "right thing" but you'll keep having a better performing TE. First it was Greg Olsen and then you traded him because "you'll never use em". Now Hunter Henry is next up to the plate with the 30 points that would've won your matchup. This plague is a pleasure to watch unfold. If I were betting man, I'd say you'll never have Kelce start at the right time. Just remember that you had an opportunity to repent when you're watching everyone have fun in the playoffs. At least you have your league to fall back on.



Trav, you've yet to disappoint me this season. As I told everyone, a man with your dedication to watching bacon cooking could turn that focus into a GREAT fantasy team. With another optimal lineup (I'll excuse the fact Ju-Ju flopped) you've firmly established yourself as a force in the league. You told Quis to drop you off at the draft a block away so folks wouldn't see you associated with a fantasy GM like him. There's nothing more that Quis can claim he's taught you. You're on a mission and its great to watch.



GAWD Can't Hear You 114.80 vs DA GAWD 175.30

They say there's a moment before death where there's a feint light that brings people peace. I don't think Gerald has experienced that light. He now exists in a void. There's no hope. No chances. DA GAWD can't hear you when you denounce his blessings. Gerald just has to spend the rest of fantasy eternity wondering why he made the decisions he made while he was here on Earth. Let his corpse of a team be a warning to everyone as to what can happen. Now that I've finally turned him, I will set him loose to go forth and spoil everyone's chances at glory. There's still use for him and his booty pics yet.



"Niggas talkin shit, GAWD, how do you respond" DA GAWD is top 5 and there's more points to pile on. 3 Weeks in a row of capturing the highest point total and that point total just KEEPS CLIMBING. Maybe ya'll didn't hear me when I said to que the montage. I'm now at the stage where I'm hittin the speed bag quickly without looking. I'm getting close to catching the chicken. That double entendre means I'm close to getting my revenge on the person that set my rage in motion. My trifecta is forming. I'm getting production from the so called "squad of backups". You're all on notice.

U Don't Know (Week 5)

WHOO! What a Week 5. What a time to be alive. We had MULTIPLE 40 pt producers across the league. Some people had em and won. Some people had em and lost. Some people had em...on the bench. 5 Weeks are in the books and ya'll better recognize the weight of your choices. Lets review how it all went down.

Lost Lobos 92.55 vs HOP off deez nuks 128.25

Some people just don't know how good they got it til its gone. After coming out the gates like a full grown Ant-Man, Lobos reverted back to regular ole Paul Rudd and struggled to get to 100 points. Watching everyone's players blow up while his own players lay dormant must've made him feel like a flat chested 13 year old girl coming back to school in September after Big Titty Brenda started wearing a bra. Everyone else having nuclear players but you. Don't worry, the playoffs are still within your grasp. Maybe you'll get your wish and make the playoffs in the 4-6 seed like you truly want.



SHORTY! Way to turn a stressful anxiety ridden Sunday into a clear cut win. Not that you did anything special, but your Black Man magic must've kicked into high gear. While DHop has YET to go off (and we all know its because of your team name) you managed to stay outside of the hell that Gerald and Juan are in. I'm not gonna gas you though. Your team is held together by duct tape and chewing gum and probably won't last past the bye weeks. But a win's a win. In the meantime, just give someone "the nod" with the confidence that you won your fantasy week.



Antonio WhiteClawderez 117.60 vs Green eggs and SAM 158.30

Its becoming a weekly treat to witness Juan's spiral into clinical depression. This ain't just "I had a bad week". Whatever can go wrong does go wrong in each matchup. Watching CMC blast off into outer space must've been rough. At this point you might as well go to church on Sundays instead of watching your players disappoint you week after week like an absentee dad. But I'm not here to pity you. I'm here to tell you that its all behind you. If you can tolerate the disgusting taste of a woman's break-the-seal piss you call "hard seltzer", you can tolerate these losses. Pick yourself up and get a win.



Eddie, you provin' all the haters wrong with that first overall pick. CMC is literally grabbing your dead team and carrying it back to the safety of wins each week. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you got married to CMC the way he's supporting you through thick and thin. It also looks like we made a pretty even trade so far with A-Rob putting up about the same points as Breida. All in all, thanks for providing us with the disdain that Juan is feeling - the chat is worth it. Great win in a week where you had little left on the bench.



This Team iz Concussed 126.05 vs No One 129.80

I want to know the punchline of the joke where you keep thinking holding two defenses and not starting a kicker is funny. I mean, its funny to Jesus. Its funny to people fighting for the playoff spot. But is it funny to you? You go on a tirade of not having good trades but you out here selling Canal street handbags at Gucci prices. The way you even defended the idea that kickers are useless is starting to make me wonder if this is just funny to you or if you've been concussed/flooried while on a comedy tour. Just tell the truth. You gettin' cute for your own good and its all thanks to thinking that blue horseshoe brings you "Luck".



While I'd normally be quick to give you props on this one from across the pond, you don't deserve it. There is nothing about this win that you should be proud of. You should walk away from this win like the Rams did against the Saints last year. This blatantly dumb move by a joker of a fantasy owner should just have you quietly look at the win column. Outside of the herculean effort of Deshaun Watson, your team wouldn't have even put up 100 points with an average QB. You'll get the loss you deserve.



BUCemDownTo7TH 142.65 vs SuperCRACK 163.70

I had a Theilen your early season success was nothing but a flash in the pan. Mark Ingram has finally turned back into a pumpkin and you're still stuck with the dynamic dumbo of Dalton and Allen. I can't say that you'll stay in this loser hole, but it sure is nice to see you losing in these ways. Watching you choose between those QBs and whether to start Royce Freeman is going to be fun as this season goes on. On the bright side, you still put in a respectable point total for the week. If you think I'm taking it easy on you - I am. I have a wealth of screenshots saved for you when I knock you out the playoffs. Peace be with you.



There shouldn't be a dry eye in the building with the way Trav has made his presence known in this league. After sitting outside Juan's house in the rain for weeks before the draft, he's now grown enough to decline crappy trades. He can smell a trap a mile away. Shit, he even started Chark with the utmost confidence. You on the pursuit of happiness and it looks like you might just get there and make the playoffs. Keep your head up youngblood.



Lost GOHD 146.80 vs FlacOFF 169.75

Gerald, I want you to look deep inside yourself and rationalize what you thought you'd be before the season started. What were you supposed to be the "GOHD" of? When were you supposed to climb the charts? Were you looking forward to the banter in the chat as you thought about the ways to make fun of the loser tax? Now that I'm no longer there to keep you company, what do you have left? I mean, you got players to trade. You're obviously not concerned with winning when you leaving them on the bench. Beggars can't be choosers and you're gonna need to make a deal. Just come back home and trade em to DA GAWD.



I guess I could say good win to you Quis. While Gerald had PLENTY of opportunity to beat you, it looks like he just couldn't keep the faith. He drowned in the water as I asked him to walk. The only silver lining to this shitty win is that you left MASSIVE points on the bench. That's the type of thing that bites you in the playoffs when it comes to seeding and who you play. And don't think I ain't peep how you dumped Olsen right before his donut game. Straight grimey.



falseProfits 139.20 vs DA GAWD 170.30

Well it looks like we know who the REAL false prophet is now don't we. Coming into this game, I had a feeling you'd been waiting for this opportunity since the draft. Showing up in a false glove thinking you had the power to just SNAP this league back to when turnovers were just -2. The late game heroics of Amari Cooper simply weren't enough to combat my divine power. As a former champ, I like the determination. But as the current champ, I'm REAL happy you sat Sutton and DJ Moore. Looks like someone simply had a "false" start this week. I banish you back to chat limbo for 3 days. Catch you on my way to the top.



Two weeks in a ROW of having the highest point total. The powers are overflowing. First rule of war is making sure your opponent is dead. Leaving that small flicker of life in me was able to catch and create the forest fire known as my 2 Week point total dominance. Can't ya'll get it through your greezy heads that DA GAWD is inevitable? But I'm not tryin to be no big thing. I'm not tryin' to give ya'll no more advice. But Da GAWD is home. Newest addition to the squad, Matt Breida. The Championship 2 is on its way. I know ya'll hear Da GAWD's footsteps out there. I'm comin......U Don't Know the beast that ya'll have awoken in DA GAWD!



#Amen

Greatest (Week 4)

I'M BACK BITCHES! DA GAWD apologizes for missing Week 3's recap. I was in the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights figuring out how to regain the powers and the faith. How to trust in my #Amens and set the Earth back on its correct axis. Week 4 has been more compounded mayhem, but I'll let the recaps discuss that more. Da GAWD been holding in his shit talk like a fart through a 2 hour meeting. Its time to unleash the fury.

Los Lobos 129.65 vs Green Eggs and MARRIED 130.80

FINALLY! After appearing indestructible for weeks, Lobos' Delanie Walker finally showed what it looks like to be a bum-ankled TE to with a QB that just wants to be back on the beaches of Waikiki. You deserved this close loss Lobos. Feeling yourself with a .2 win was bound be come back around. Word on the street is that some Vikings wanna start throwing more. The streets are talking about shutting down Zeke shuts down the Cowboys. Rumor has it, Shady bout to go back to a lot more time share duties. Hope that Mahomes arm is strong enough to keep this team lifted up high.



Eddie, first and foremost, congratulations on marrying a woman that can respect your fetish for all things Jet green. They say love is blind and in your case its true. You blindly started McLaurin and got a win. I think you twirled your Joe Namath cuff links like rosery beads during your ceremony while praying for the win. Thank you for providing the revenge DA GAWD was looking for and the Sunday Frights drama we all look forward to. Now that your wife has accepted your dirty secret love for the Jets and this fantasy league, lets hope she understands why you spend a little more time on your lineup next week. You don't have much room for error with this squad.



Hop off Deez Nuks 93.30 vs This Team Iz America 134.25

Shorty, I think I found out why your teams perform the way they do year after year. At first I thought it was because I kept starting your seasons off with their annual first L but in reality, its the team names. Every time you decide to focus on player puns that you draft, they're either your whole team or said players simply let you down. We're almost at the point where you're forced to change your team name to "Finally Got a WR". I'd have sweat stains on my boxers by now if my best player performance came from the 3rd string RB that won't be relevant next week. You ain't even have anyone on bye yet. I'm praying for you Black man.



Remember when everyone questioned Gordon using his #1 pick to take heavily used player Leonard Fournette? The same Fournette that lost weight to adjust for injury prone play? Well it looks like it payed off. Gordon doubled down and got gutsy with taking Gurley who produced two TDs on the same number of carries as Jerrick McKinnon since 2016. Only problem here is that it looks like Gordon is doomed to sacrifice his beloved team's players until he gets a chip. First Luck. Then Doyle. Is Jacoby next? Congratulations on going an impressive 9/9 across all your fantasy leagues - regardless of how Micky Mouse they might be.



BUCeMDowN 94.75 vs No One 134.25

I don't know if Hector uses different letter cases in his team name to annoy me when I have to write the title of his recap or if his eyes been so low from the weed he really couldn't tell if he was using caps or lowercase. What a fuckin' disaster this team has become. I bet when you beat DA GAWD, that was the best week of your life and you just said "fuck it, I ain't gotta strive for nothin else". Who knew you would've been better off using Josh Allen. You know, the guy that didn't finish the game and had 3 pics. Like......ANDY FUCKIN' DALTON??? ON A MONDAY NIGHT?????........WITHOUT AJ GREEN!?!?!?!?. AWAY.??????? At least Josh Allen had the swagger of being 3-0 going into his game to have a BIT of a chance at over-achieving.  PUH-LEEZ hook DA GAWD up with what you been smokin.



Jesus, its amazing that you were able to salvage a no rb team into a win. With your top RBs gone, you had to rely on the likes of Rex Bumphead and CJ Prosise. I guess having a defense perform like one of your top RBs doesn't hurt, but that schedule gonna get harder. Nights gonna darker. If I were you, (you know, like when I was mortal) I'd do anything I can to score the MOST points I can while I can get it. Ain't no tellin' where you're gonna get points from if they slow roll both Barkley and Coleman. But I don't think that'll be a problem for you with the caliber of wr's on deck.



FlaccOFF 93.35 vs falseProfits 136.45

Wow Quis. I'm starting to think a gang of locusts came and ravaged your squad AND the Broncos. Going into Week 4's matchup you were projected to put up a winning 140 pts. Quite the let down. Did you delete the app on Sunday at 1pm when your bench was full of players with O's next to their status? Did you decide to do your laundry early when boom or bust Hardman came through with...what's that? NEGATIVE 1.10 points!?!?? Were you drunk on Sam Adams and buttery Lobster rolls and enjoying one of those cockamamie Duck Tours when you desperately grasped at a win by starting Danny Dimes?? At least you still have Travis Kelce and Michael Thomas....for now.



Adam, you know what its like to be a winner. After last year's let down, I can see the resolution to climb back to the top. While you keep leaving points on the bench week after week, your still getting wins so at least you're focused on the primary goal. DA GAWD is low-key tight that he let Jameis Winston slip into your fingers, but clearly you didn't know what to do with him at the time so it all works out. At least you'll be put in the position of deciding to start the combination of RB2s and WR2s that can over or under perform for you all season. Good luck and good win.



Sauce GOHD 132.95 vs SuperCRACK 153.70

This one kinda hurts me Gerald. After weeks of close losses, you put together a point total that would've beat SEVERAL under performers this week, yet you ran into the 2nd highest point total from Trav's team. Starting the Eagle's very own Jordan Howard over Lindsay may have been the better choice considering Jax stops the run well but.....who are we kiddin? You took DA GAWD's persona in vain and these are the consequences. You've been bouncing between your. GAWDS First you sided with Quis and look at the shambles his team is in. Then you gave up all hope. At least you have time to focus on the clothing line. That'll make more money than you should expect from this fantasy season real quick....because fantasy gonna be 0.



Look at our fantasy kindergartner growing up right before our eyes. Trav, I knew there was a competent fantasy football player in you. 2nd highest point total of the week and steadily climbing the charts. You know those inspirational quotes and speakers when they tell you take your shot and treat it like its your last? That's what you're showing in this fantasy season. No matter how much everyone advised you against drafting the entire Browns offense, you've managed to prove the haters wrong again and again. I'm trying to figure out where you'll end the season (obviously not with a chip). Maybe 4th? DA GAWD thinks you may be deserving of 4th. Until then, enjoy the ride.



Antonio Brownderez 125.10 vs DA GAWD 158.15

They say that you can only count on two things. Taxes and death. In the fantasy world, its usually me beating Shorty, but beating Juan in a prime-time matchup is almost as predictable. Similar to our Championship bout of last year, you managed to strike despair and fear into DA GAWD with an early onslaught of Davante Adams, Zach Ertz and a first play of the game injury to Jamaal Williams. Matter of fact, your week probably went just like it did when I wrote your recap of another Monday night meltdown in week in Week 4. There's laws in the jungle of fantasy football and I don't think there's enough WhiteClaws to make you forget how bad this week was. Dust yourself off and just PRAY that Watkins AND Tyreek Hill are viable options.



Mothafucka's was talkin crazy, sayin I should quit. I'm tellin' each of ya'll to make me or eat a fuckin' dick. DA GAWD is eternal. DA GAWD can make something out of nothing. How in the holiest of miracles can Chris Godwin go from doubtful with a hip injury on Saturday to NUCLEAR POINTS ON SUNDAY!?!?! Its because I made him Chris GAWDwin. As I prophesied while you all laughed as I was building the ark, the montage towards the repeat of the chip is upon you. Like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, I punched my way out of the coffin known as last place and have started working my way to the top. Ya'll can either get down or lay down.



#AMEN