Jefe (Week 7)

Week 7 is in the books and this league never ceases to amaze me. The most irrational events happen while you guys just plod along like its a normal occurrence. I'll explain what I mean below, but for my/GAWD's sake, PLEASE just read the little captions on your players. It contains the nuggets of information that can save your season.

Bizzaro Champ 79.55 vs BlkPipeSlyr 137.85

Adam, I thought you finally traded away Le'veon Bell to make your team better. How is it possible to  trade away a weekly zero on your bench and end up with HALF the point total you had a week ago? Oh I get it. You're just starting bodies. You didn't trade to actually make a change. You just looked in the mirror and said "fuck it". And if you protest otherwise, why didn't you take the opportunity to start Ekler in probably the only game he'll be without Melvin Gordon. This year's performance should give you an asterisk next to last year's chip because last year's champ and you do not share the same chromosomes.



I really hope you don't expect any compliments this week for beating a team that struggles to get over 100 points in a ppr league. Sure, you did the right thing and started the Denver defense, but you still don't know when to start Shady - and now he's hurt. Maybe you fuck around and pick up a waiver rb, but its slim pickin's out there. Your blasphemous speech shows me you never repented deep in your heart. You are now banished from the outer ring of Olympus. Forgive him me/GAWD for he knows not what he does.



Green Eggs and SECOND 135.90 vs Saquon my balls 142.55

Ed, I wanna know when you realized you were gonna be in 2nd. Was it at the same moment that Sam Darnold threw the pick in his own end zone? Was it when you wept into your Jets Snuggie sleeve and your spa day Jet-green facial mask got on the snuggie? Maybe you stayed up late to see if Andy Dalton would save you. I bet you were certain that Saquon was gonna get one of those goal line carries - maybe even a receiving TD. And then you gave up the ghost and realized that both you and the Jets are destined for nothingness. The next time you think you can get cute and get a good game out of a faux prime-time QB, I want you to remember something.



Cuttin' it mighty close there Juan. Monday at 9PM, you were comfortable. By 11PM, your butt cheeks were beading with sweat. But DA GAWD commends you for doing DA LAWD's work. Knocking Ed back into reality was just what was needed for order to be set in the league again. While the win came at the expense of a 4th Qtr surge against the Eagles, it was well worth it. I got a Theilen you'll be on top of the Hill and Mixon things up in the playoffs.




LightsKamaraAction 136.20 vs Monk Dave 127.85

***Shorty is officially the London effect. Every week, a team goes to play Shorty and somehow, everyone under-performs. The craziest part of this Bermuda triangle of talent is that the match-ups are close. Shorty literally brings you down to his level of ineptitude. However, his incompetent team can't pull out the win. Its like he's trying to impregnate a losing uterus. He's the Titans of this week. The Ravens of this week. The Browns of this week......COMBINED. At the very least, this shit show is worth the price of admission because everyone one of those games ended how you expected, but not in the WAY you expected.***

This recap has been redacted by the editor due to the late game heroics of Sterling Shepard.

You robbed me of the joy of watching you lose like the rest of the shitty teams in the NFL. This week, you're saved.



Mute Dave, you took the fun out of watching Shorty slip on banana peels. You had one fucking job. I'm not wasting anymore time on your recaps. Just keep typing plugging away at work like your dumpster fire fantasy team isn't imploding around you. I offered solid trades early to keep you competitive but no. You wanted to act like your vow of silence was going grant blessings to your teams. Fuck this.




SuperLast 121.30 vs Destroyer of Gawds 166.55

Trav, I want you to think about draft day. You LAUGHED as I warned you repeatedly about disobeying Da GAWD. Maybe it was because you were new to the league, but you must've thought that I joke for funzies. DA GAWD is real. Deep down, I hope you don't come in last because then you can come back next year. You'll probably think this year was a fluke. Go after a player I tell you to stay away from and repeat this type of season again. You'll be so hard-headed that you might waste your money a third time. But until then, just keep starting players, there's nothing left for you here.



Quis, you really pulled out a solid win after leaving Melvin Gordon in. It truly is a good win because you scored third highest in the league this week without your best player. Congratulations on beating the odds and the friend that trusted you enough to trade away his golden goose. Your ruthless behavior in this league will get you far enough for a semi-final, only to be let down once again. Until then, keep making these weeks fun.



No One is Healthy 104.35 vs This Team Iz America 172.30

Not that I thought you'd win Jesus, but you caught some tough breaks that may affect you for the rest of the season. Playstation went down early and so did your very own Jet - Jermaine Kearse. On the bright side, you did gain Adriel Jeremiah MuthaFuckin Green and got some good production there. But your RBs are looking really weak. It may be time to come talk to DA GAWD about some trades. You'll be blessed to take the coveted 6th playoff spot in our 8-man league.



After struggling through some tough early losses, it looks like Gordon's team is finally hitting its stride. Out here ballin' with players like Devin Funchesses like he's the new Steve Smith Sr. You sprinkled that Cinderella dust all over your squad and everyone from James White to Jarvis Landry are coveted amongst the rest of the mediocre teams in this league. But your ultimate test will be in front of you next week. I advise you listen to the first 15 seconds of the clip below to understand how I got Kareem Hunt and how he'll come back to haunt you.

The Eunuch Formerly Known As Hector 132.45 vs Da GAWD 175.50

Hector, you ran away as fast as you could from the losing season. You got a girl and started hiding under her skirt to avoid looking at the smoked carcass formerly known as ShuTheBucUp. You acted like your balls dropped and decided to talk shit to Gerald when you fucked around and won. By Sunday at 4PM you saw Trubisky popped a 30 pt game. But then those testicles rolled right back up to your belly button as you slid down the standings like a stripper on a pole. At least Shorty's losses are entertaining because he's trying. Your pathetic attempts just tell me you're more interested in apple picking than picking good players. (In case you were wondering, the image below represents your balls.)



I decree. Thou shalt not have other GAWDs before me/him. DA GAWD witnessed the league praising Gordon's (albeit formidable) 6th place team for scoring so many points. Meanwhile, DA GAWD turned Chubb into WINE! No more apologizing for my excellence. From now on, Da GAWD will just be dope. Wrap your minds around it as a fact of life. Its a law like gravity. I am officially 6-1 in TWO galaxies at the same damn time. I don't even know why you bitches are even trying to touch the trophy at this point. Da GAWD has come to reclaim his rightful throne at the top of this league. And don't think DA GAWD is mad.....he's just motivated.



#Amen

Stop Trying To Be Gawd (Week 6)

Week 6 is in the books and your teams have (once again) proven to be no match for the challenges set up in front of you. To the select few who won, remember that you're pretty much playing in a 8 man league at the moment. Your skills are mediocre at best. Read below for your weekly bread and nourish your teams that are starving for a win.

BuckleUp 91.95 vs This Team Iz America 161.05

When a single player accounts for half of a team's points, that's usually a sign of problems. The Herculean effort Aaron Rodgers did only salvaged an almost 70 pt FINAL score. Hector is out here frolicking through leaves with his woman without a care in the world while his team is functioning like a diabetic sloth. Someone save him from himself. I bet he even turns off the notifications while out and says "there's nothing more important than you babe, not even my shitty fantasy team  You're better than any fantasy my love". Fill in whatever infatuation stage statements he'd make while his team falls out the playoffs. Next week don't get easier so you might as well schedule a picnic or a hot air balloon ride so you can remove yourself from this Earth.



Gordon, I'm not sure if you're luck is panning out better or if Andrew Luck is who you thought he was. Outside of the Jarvis Landy and Latavius Murray potential swap, you put some good skills to use and almost had an optimal lineup. Can you make the playoffs? Will you go far? These are questions nobody really cares about because James Connor's floor about to get shaky. Next week you have a matchup that can put you in a solid position to be in the playoffs.





Trix Rabbit 108.90 vs No One 126.05

Its getting harder and harder to understand the moves you're making each week Shorty. I had to get out a graphing calculator and figure out the probability of you managing to have a WIDE RECEIVER finish with negative points in a ppr league. What are the chances that the one catch a wr makes, ends up in a fumble and said catch is for less than 10 yds and they NEVER see the field again.  With that type of lightning strike, you should play the lottery tonight and share with everyone. But in reality you'd win and lose the ticket. You even manage to bring out the worst in teams. They stoop to your level and struggle to score points but STILL  beat you. If wins were Trix cereal, you'd be the Trix rabbit at this point - silly rabbit.



Jesus, don't be proud of yourself this week. It took a Sunday night save from Playstation to get your team out of the Trav/Shorty loser-go-round. At some point, you're going to start the right RB. You didn't pick up Collins and only to bench him all season. Your lack of trigger pulling will have you beating yourself up in the playoffs. Use the players you covet so much and do better. As last year's points and wins leader, this win should be a disgrace.




Helen Keller 121.90 vs Green Eggs and SAM 164.55

Not only are you Mute Dave, you're blind, probably deaf and clearly dumb. The Titans have been ATROCIOUS all season and you pick the game that they play the defensive juggernaut Baltimore Ravens to pick the Titans Defense AND START Corey Davis? Walk me through your logic. Please explain the Rain-Man math that got you to the conclusion that THE TITANS would s have a dominant offense to keep the ball out of the Ravens hands and get turnovers. That's right, you can't explain it because you're mute and don't realize this recap exists.



You must be really proud of yourself Ed. Dare I say that you are truly Special.....Ed. Your confidence and blissful ignorance go hand in hand. You truly think you have a championship caliber team and that you'll end up with most wins huh? (Because points are clearly out the question). I'm genuinely tired of explaining how awful your team is. From now on, I wish you only the best. I hope you have a wonderful sunday afternoon sipping pumpkin spice lattes while wearing a Jet's scarf and take duckface selfies with #ilovefall in the caption.  But when you run into true talent this season, don't say I didn't warn you.



Where Do I Begin? 150.35 vs  Saquon My Balls 187.85

You can let it all out now Trav. Its over. You can give up the ghost. Repent for all your sins now so that you don't come in last place. This is the altar call for you to get right with DA GAWD. Next year, we can prepare better. You can do less blaspheming and let DA GAWD get what he wants. Haven't you seen enough of the miracles by now? DA GAWD told Juan not to lose and immediately, Tyreek Hill gets 3 TDs. DA GAWD told you to give him Melvin and now Freeman has been sent to IR. If none of this reaches you, you are destined to be shamed in the chat every-time your icon shows you read something. Repent or delete the app......or just quit.



Do you finally believe Juan? Are you in awe of the miracles that DA GAWD can bestow. In a game where DA GAWD could have easily had Kelce go for the 3 TDs, DA GAWD chose YOUR player to be blessed. It ain't Thanksgiving but be thankful. Prior to my blessing, you were losing to the likes of last place GMs like Adam. Now you're right back in the playoff hunt with enough points to give DA GAWD a run for the money. Keep this up and you might be blessed to defeat Ed.



Adam Team is Irrelevant 139.10 vs Destroyer of Gawds 171.80

Adam, do you still have Beanie Babies and Pogs? The way you hold on to your investments until they're absolutely worthless is amazing. You've held L.Bell for 7 weeks of no production as if he's going to come back and light it up. You are the very definition of a Sunk Cost Fallacy and you refuse to admit it. Even worse, you can't even get close to the value for Bell that you could have weeks ago to give you the fighting chance towards the playoffs that you needed. Next time its garbage day, print a picture of your roster, tape it to your trash can and throw yourself/phone/app in there too.



Quis, Melvin has been blessing you by proxy of DA GAWD's divine other galaxies. At this point, I'm rooting for you to make it all the way to the chip vs DA GAWD. I'm gonna ask your girl to facetime my wife so that I can see your face as my points stack up and the defeat settles on your face. Enjoy the re-branding of your team towards being victorious. It sets up the bigger fall that I'll enjoy.




NeedsPrayer 127.05 vs DA 1 AND ONLY GAWD 175.40

As the season went on, I knew your head would get too big and you'd think you were a GAWD. By Week 5, you were making predictions and gathering your own followers. But I knew you'd take on this role before the season started. Do you now see the difference between DA GAWD and being A GAWD? Plagues were set across your team and everyone under-performed. Even Todd GAWDLY couldn't prevent this beating you were due for. Meditate on this message as you prepare for the rest of the season. Stop trying to be GAWD......that's just not your........job.

To the uninitiated, it may have looked as though Quis' name change gave him the strength to take DA GAWD down. As you can see with the late Goodwin pickup AND START, DA GAWD's powers are alive and well. The holy trinity is in full effect and the four horseman are out to play. The end is nigh for you shit-sippin simps. Da GAWD has come to clean house, run the table, and boast bountiful trophies in the highest point of Olympus. You've been warned.

#amen

I'm Upset (Week 5)

Alright bitches. I hope you got it out your system that Da GAWD took a loss. Week 5 had the wackiest turn of events and all of you will suffer the consequences for weeks to come. Someone among you has tampered with DA GAWD's Holy Grail of plagues and you unleashed the pandemonium upon the league. Some of you finally recognized your teams are shined up shit while the rest of you still have a fragment of hope swirling in the echo-chamber you call brains. Let's recap the week.

Dave's Don't Cry 111.85 vs SuperCrack 119.55

Dave, I'm starting to think you don't even care about this league. You just ACT like a Mute Dave that's interested. Gerald probably covered you at work one day and as a favor you joined this league just to pay him back. There's absolutely no excuse for losing in the way you did and to WHO you did. AND WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN WRITING YOUR BULLSHIT RECAP WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW THAT GERALD TAKES PICTURES OF YOU!!?!?

Trav, welcome to the land of the winning. If you had played against ANYONE ELSE this week besides the auto-player robot formerly known as Mute Dave, you'd still be huddled in a corner wondering where it all went wrong. You must feel like a dwarf among midgets right now. Bask in your week 5 glory because you'll be begging for more wins like this.



ReadySetFail 121.55 vs This Team Iz America 173.15

Back in the 90's everyone loved "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air". The show was so good, people barely cared about Will Smith's rap career. But you know when the show went south? Light-skinned Aunt Viv. Mark Ingram is your light-skinned Aunt Viv, Shorty. You had to painfully watch as TD after TD and target after target went to everyone BUT Kamara. Its time to say goodbye and start thinking about next season. As they say, it's better to have Kamara'd and loss than to have never Kamara'd at all. Just remember the days when he was flexin' on them hoes.



So the battle of misfortune showed us that Shorty has worse luck than you. Congratulations on getting a confidence boosting win. You had to suffer some dreadful losses to get here, but you made it. Who needs Jared GAWFF to put up 50 pts every week when you can have your very own TE1 and RB1 of the week on the SAME TEAM. Now don't get ahead of yourself and think you're on your way to the top of Olympus, but you should solidly be in the playoffs.....as long as Bell doesn't come back. Flex on that win this week.



The Demi-Gawd 121.85 vs ShuTheBucUp 126.50

Gerald, I hope you learned a valuable lesson this week. You do not take Da GAWD's powers in vain. You spouted off prediction after prediction and failed each of them. Week after week I watch you start the wrong RB. The ultimate fail was talkin' hella shit to Hector and then losing after Brandon Cooks came out the game. Hector proceeded to unleash the fury of 1000 blueballs on you after winning and there's not a single response. Step down from the grail and never touch the predictions again. Da GAWD is the truth and you'll get it next week.



Its good to see you in the chat again Hector. I don't know if its because you won or because you found our company comforting during your off time with the new woman. But either way, congratulations on overcoming Gerald's shit talk. I can't give you all the credit though. I'm sure you sat in the bushes and read the chat while discussing whether to start Cooper and you said "well I can't just keep starting him and expect to win". Good thing Chris Thompson was able to get you the win. Keep it up and I might have the pleasure of ending your playoff run.



Saquon my (Insert insult I'm all out) 144.65 vs Beard in the North 146.70

Juan, I was wondering what would break first. You're decision making or your playoff hopes and it looks like the former. After losing on Monday Night Week 4, you've totally lost your mind. You must've been up on Saturday night like "I know what'll get me back on track. They'll never see it comin'. I'm gonna look like the GENIUS who started Hayden "2 target" Hurst and they'll FINALLY respect me". Not only did you fuck up and lose, now we can't get a desperation trade for Bell out of Adam. I hope you're happy going crazy.



Adam, thank your lucky stars you got 2 wins while wasting a roster spot on Bell. Your wins ain't long enough to withstand the possibility of him coming back Week 7. By the time you even get to use him, he might be on another team, getting less reps, or worse - be in a running back committee. So how's about we face facts and recognize that you won't repeat. If you trade DA GAWD Bell by Week 7, I'll even let you hold the trophy an extra week. Your team is a charity case and I'm only trying to help.



You Had One Job 153.35 vs Green eggs and SAM 162.15

I hope you're happy Jesus. Now an absolute scrub is undefeated and sitting in the #1 spot. We all know he won't stay there, but he wasn't even supposed to know what it felt like to be #1. There had to be other TE's out there. But no, you just REFUSE to use any other Falcon after Matt Ryan tricked you into dropping him. Austin Hooper would've gotten us you the win. Your mediocre team will remain in the playoff picture, but ya gotta do better. Good job on getting Ingram in there though.



You proud of yourself Ed? You sitting there with your toes spread apart with those pedicure thingy's and painting your nails Jet Green before you go to bed? I don't know what type of rabbit's foot necklace you wear to sleep or the four leaf clovers you bathe in, but you're defying logic with these wins. There's no way some of the bums you start get more points than Don Julio or Michael Muthafuckin' Thomas. Keep dodging these losses because I want to be the one to give you the worse loss.



Bullshit Ass Quis Squad  172.60 vs Da Distracted GAWD 122.40

Quis was plotting this Week 5 win since Week 2 when he changed his name. He sacrificed losses and roster spots (picking up the Panthers D, I see you) just to try and best DA GAWD. Congratulations. You can tell the tales as far as the eyes can see that you managed to defeat a GAWD. Mind you, it was only the result of Gerald handling the plague cauldron like a child. I can't wait to put you in your place in the playoffs. Revenge is best served cold so I'll see you in December.



So offended I had to double check just how badly I lost. There's no reason Mason Crosby misses that many fucking kicks and extra points other than Da Devil worship. Golden Tate couldn't buy a look and Julio Jones didn't get a target until the 4th fucking quarter. Its like these teams WANT to lose when they play the way they do. At the end of the day, this is all part of GAWD's plan. You can't win the chip without at least 2 losses and this is the first 1. Pray that DA GAWD takes it easy on your squads.



#Amen

Everybody Mad (Week 4)

Week 4 is in the books and it was quite eventful. You mouth breathers tried to veto a league shattering trade that went on to prove that DA GAWD is both gracious AND omnipotent. Plagues were felt among the non-believers and believers alike. But, there was a silver lining. We now know that this is a 9 man league! The bad news is that there’s only 5 playoff spots available for you fantasy football impostors. Let’s see what else we learned.

The Little Engine that Can’t 94.50 vs Mute Dave 144.55

I’m starting to wonder how the fuck you have 1 win Adam. You’ve been struggling to get to 100 pts week after week like this is a standard league. Players get points for catching colds and you can’t get 100. Your kicker is your second best player each week and you have the nerve to hold a trophy. Here’s some advice that won’t help you but……whatevs. If you’re going to get a 37+ year old TE, at least get Antonio Gates – he’s a future HOF. Or maybe, JUST MAYBE, make a fucking trade. No one is handing you a prize for holding Bell.

Mute Dave, congratulations – you didn’t beat yourself. If you’re not gonna contribute to the chat, I’m not contributing to the recap. You’ve been blessed with a bounce back win though.

Charlie Brown 128.65 vs Green eggs and SAM 136.65

Poor poor Shorty. Every week, I look for the interesting ways you fail to get a win. Every week, the league sets you up and then you face-plant. When you finally get a working Baldwin, Cook takes a leave of absence. When you have Crabtree, you go against John Brown and lose out on the touchdowns. When I look at your team, it makes me think you  took a long, legs-fall-asleep shit after you drafted Kamara and didn't come back til Drew Brees was available. I just want to thank you for the laughs. A Josh Gordon failed drug test might make me piss myself with laughter this week.

Ed, you’re defying gravity right now. I want you to appreciate the blessings you’ve been given to live so close to Olympus. Look across at your opponent. Same point total as you yet here you are at 4-0 and he’s at 1-forever. You should have some survivor’s remorse that you made it out the trap while Shorty hustles for W’s. If you don’t look down, your belief might take you into the playoffs. Cause as soon as you realize your team is shined-up shit, you’re doomed.

Owen 146.30 vs No One 192.30

You give up yet Trav? I’d bet you turned off notifications in the league chat just to give you the peace of mind that Fantasy Football doesn’t exist anymore. By Thursday night, you already lost. I’m gonna fill you in on a little secret. The very moment you repent and say “DA GAWD is GREAT, I REPENT” all your sins will be washed away. Da GAWD will allow you to have a semblance of a season again. Until then, your players will continue to catch plagues. If you don’t believe me, then riddle me this. How do you have more points than Adam but not have a win?

Jesus, you almost had top points of the week. While I may have beaten you like a step-child two weeks ago, you’ve become stronger for it. You’re standing on your own two feet and making trades that actually work. You’re following the blueprint. You have a playoff spot in your future as long as you keep this up. You might even come in 2nd for a 2nd year in a row. 

Hector or Specter? 149.20 vs Destroyer of Gawds 155.50

Hector has been ghost for most of this week. I don't know if its because he's preppin' for Halloween or seeing a  new young lady in his life. First off, you’ll lose a lot wins chasing women, but you’ll never lose women chasing wins. Secondly, its amazing that you got let down again on Monday night. Just when you thought Amari Cooper could save your season, it looks like Jared Cook outproduced him - again. How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice?

Quis, congratulations on your confidence boosting win. I relish the thought of you feeling some momentum only for me to smack you back to Earth. You have a bunch of useless players on your bench and you can’t rally enough Avengers to take on DA GAWD. This time around, you’ll be wishing DA GAWD went on vacation. You will be reduced back to 2-3 with the rest of the peasants sooner than later. See you week 5.

This Team Can’t Catch a Break 152.25 vs BigBlkPipeSlayr 165.55

This loss actually affected DA GAWD. After silencing the naysayers of the awesome trade with ELITE QB Goff, you were destined for a win. I thought baptizing you in blessings would be just the thing to get your team back on track. You’re third in points but your record doesn’t reflect the talent. Stay the course, Da GAWD’s trade will take you to the playoffs.

Gerald, this game showed us why you were the first disciple of DA GAWD’s gospel. Defending the trade and believing in yourself granted you the blessing of a win. After beginning the season shaky, your squad looks like a formidable contestant for a playoff spot. As long as you don’t do silly things like starting Wilkins over Ty Montgomery against the shitty Bills, you’ll be fine.

Saquon DA GAWD’s Balls 180.95 vs The Most High GAWD 194.80

Leading up to this week, DA GAWD thought he’d pay a visit to Juan’s house and put a ransom note in his mailbox. It would have magazine cutout letters, and a picture of a huge W tied up in rope  saying, "If you don't repent, you’ll never see me again". But I chose not to. Instead I simply had the galactic vision to see into the future. This is how that vision went:

Thursday Septemeber 27^th, 2018 (Law and Order sound)

Juan: Babe, I think I’m gonna do it. Randall tried to get away with some ridiculous trade but I know I can still beat him. Thielen just went crazy!

Wife: That’s great honey

Sunday September 30^th, 2018 (Law and Order sound)

Juan: Babe, you’ll never believe it. He’s going down. He’s been making fun of my choices for 2 years. I can’t wait to shut him up. I’m actually winning. One more day.

Wife: I’m so proud of you

Monday October 1^st, 2018 11:45 PM (Law and Order sound)

Juan: 

Wife: Take out the trash……and put yourself in it too.

It was always me vs the league……until I found its me vs me. 

In Week 4 of 2016, the league cackled and ridiculed DA GAWD’s statement of Matt Ryan being a top 5 QB. He went on that Week 4 to have a monster game and continued on to MVP. Week 4 of 2018 and the league howl’d that the trade for Goff was unfair. He went on to have a monster game. Looks like the more things change the more they stay the same. Da GAWD has now made everybody mad. His team has assembled to maximum power. He’s reached Golden Frieza status. The end is nigh bitches.

#Amen