Cuffin' Season

“For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Luke 14:11

Now we gotta say goodbye to the summer. Now its getting chilly and that’s the Fall comin’. RBs and WR’s dropped like the leaves are about to. So many of your teams were humbled this week while many became exalted for their achievements. Week 3 showed us you can’t take anything for granted. Its time to get your handcuff players ready to step up because the Fall is just starting. Lets recap the dumb mistakes your teams made Week 3 to the points where the avg score was barely 130 pts.

The ChopShop 68.70 vs No One 109.40

Not even 70 pts playa? Looking at your team, you’d think you were ravaged by injuries and got stuck picking up players from the waivers. But that’s not what happened. You DRAFTED Bilal Powell and Pierre Garcon. AJ Green can’t be your whole team. Its like you made your first two picks and then let Jesus take the wheel. I don’t know why you even hold Bell at this point. Just sell your junkyard team for scraps and take pictures with the trophy before its all over.

Jesus, way to recover from the thorough beating you took last week. Not like your team performed well or anything, its just that you managed to get over 100 pts. Don’t expect to get wins like this every week. Thank DA GAWD that your schedule was setup for a cakewalk this week. Da GAWD will continue to spot you on this tough climb to a playoff spot. Until then, keep praying Mark Ingram takes touches from Kamara.

Employer of Frawds 105.95 vs 126.15 BigBlkPipeslayr

After assembling your avengers, it turned into a civil war. Lindsay gets ejected. Brady and Hogan can’t manage to beat a Bellichek assistant. Then, the same Fitzmagic (you tried to dump off) managed to ball on the bench and could've given you the win . DA GAWD even offered the advice of sitting Hogan but your disobedient eardrums decided to stick with him. When DA GAWD meets you Week 5, you’ll wish you offered Melvin Gordon for a kicker.

Gerald, congrats on win number 2. Your irrational belief in your team's abilities paid off again. Then again, you managed to leave almost 100 pts on the bench. I know, you “sat them” to rest up for next week. Don’t think that lightening is gonna strike twice. Stay #blessed for doing DA LAWD’s work and banishing Da GAWD’s opponents to the depths of 1-2.

WhatTheBucIsUp? 114.65 vs Saquon my balls 148.40

Live by the Amari Cooper, die by the Amari Cooper right? Your arrogance had you benching Big Ben against the Fitzmagic you believe you in so much. Did you really expect to win this week? Da GAWD’s Amari Cooper plague will stay with your team for the rest of the season. Your undying love for Chris Thompson has failed you. Start looking up ice skating events with your girl cause you won’t be in the playoffs come December. Someone might as well be happy if it ain’t you or your team.

Juan, way to recover from the blindsided smack to the face that Gerald gave you last week. Solid performances from everyone on your squad even though you left points on the bench. Its cuffin season and you got a few cuffs to last you through the fall. Unfortunately, DA GAWD will render you useless after Week 4. Enjoy this precious time between now and then with your family. They’ll insulate you from the madness that will befall your team.

SuperClose to a Win 143.20 vs 144.40 Fuck You Bell

Trav managed to turn the 0-2 into the 0-3.  This week made that crazy trade look better than expected. Robert Woods came through to give Shorty the sweats. You ALMOST got your win. Just 1 catch for 3 yards by OJ Howard would’ve put you over the top. But no. You’re doomed to repeatedly lose for this season after not following DA GAWD’s commandments. Keep struggling til you repent.

Shorty, your struggle to get your first win has been entertaining. After having your entire bench prove useless, you were forced to start the players you did with your back against the wall. Just remember that you’ve been granted some blessings these first few weeks. Brees and Kamara gonna have Ingram come between them like Yoko Ono did to the Beatles. I just hope you continue to almost lose/win in ridiculous fashion like this all season. Its funnier than watching a person trip and fall.

This Team iz 1-2 155.30 vs Green eggs and SAM 158.55

"If only". That’s what Gordon repeated as he rocked himself to sleep in the depths of 1-2 blankets. If only Andrew Luck didn’t have a prosthetic arm being controlled by Jacoby Brisset. If only Mike Williams was started over Randall Cobb. If only JuJu got 1 more catch for 24 yards. If only……he had a chance at the chip. Now that you know your QB couldn’t come back against DA GAWD’s team NOR injury, it might be time to get that trade talk going again.

Ed, you’re on an amazing run. Even doing dumb shit like holding two defenses AND two kickers hasn't stopped you from entering the upper echelon with Da GAWD. After seemingly prepared to lose, your squad managed to call upon the heavens for a Mike Evans TD that decimated many fantasy players across the galaxy. Either way, enjoy the run just like Fitzmagic has. It’ll come crashing down sooner than later.

Mute Dave 132.20 vs DA GAWD aka The First Y Chromosome aka Nebula Knuckles 157.00

Dave, I’m sure you felt robbed while you watched Mike Williams take all the Keenan Allen glory. You sat by idly as the Patriots forgot Gronk exists. But the most painful event of all was watching Matt Ryan light up the scoreboard on your bench. Did you think “I can’t start em, he’ll just throw to Julio!”. JULIO HASN’T HAD A TD IN 19 FUCKING GAMES. YOU THOUGHT THAT STREAK WOULD END??? Dust yourself off, get your notepad out and start communicating with the league to find out how to be better.

DA GAWD is now on his way to repeating the streak of last year. Flexing on you bitches every bone and muscle and sitting comfortably at 3-0 in the grand palace of Olympus. DA GAWD is just high off the power of owning each of your teams week after week. Bow your heads and pay your tithes, because DA GAWD is coming to collect.

#Amen

1942 Flows (Week 2)

Week 2 came in like a hurricane. Up was down. Pineapples were on pizza. Players retired midway through games. Pure madness. Let’s see how you all fared in this Game of Throws……(duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh)

This Team Tried Hard 151.55 vs Destroyer of Gawds? 162.20

Da GAWD is disappointed in you Gordon. DA GAWD tried to bestow the heavenly blessing of an Agholor for Morris trade and you sat on it. Your false sense of success had you Ju-Ju’ing on that beat too early. I bet you thought the win was in the bag after witnessing the alleyway trade rape that Trav was about to experience. But this league got more than RBs and WRs. There’s Kickers and Defenses too, both of which let America down. Take a knee this week. You fought hard, but sometimes your own namesake can take you out.  

Quis managed a respectable win through Kenosha, Wisconsin’s very own Melvin Gordon III. And FUCK giving Quis a recap because he’s doomed while keeping Melvin on his squad. More about Melvin….

Melvin was a two-sport star athlete, succeeding in both football and track. As a junior, he racked up 1,098 rushing yards and 16 touchdowns, which earned Melvin honorable mention All-state and All-region honors by the Wisconsin Football Coaches Association (WFCA). As a senior, Melvin broke out for 2,009 yards and 38 touchdowns, which earned him first-team All-state honor by the Associated Press and the WFCA. He was also named the Wisconsin Gatorade Football Player of the Year. As a recruit, Melvin was regarded as a four-star recruit by Rivals.com, and was ranked the No. 24 running back in the entire nation. ESPN.com also ranked Melvin as the top player in Wisconsin. Following his senior season, he chose to accept a scholarship offer from Wisconsin over Iowa, Michigan and Louisville.

Saquon This L 141.75 vs BigBlkPipeslayr 173.80

Juan, please explain to the league how you let Dion Lewis stay in your lineup. There was nothing you could do about this loss. Da GAWD had a hard time finding stupidity in your lineup but there was literally nothing you could do. Even if you started any of your RBs over the Mariota-less, offensive lineman-less, Titans RB, you still had to suck on that L like a lollipop. AB was like a firework dud and Joe Mixon barely played. All you can do now is move forward with trying to trade for better RBs because Joe Mixon can’t carry you through the sand.

Now Gerald, do you think its just a coincidence that your squad was resurrected from the depths of fantasy hell? You even managed to have bum ass Chris Ivory score a TD on your bench. Everyone showed up the week you needed it the most. Coincidence? First there was two sets of footprints in the sand. Then there was one set of footprints in the sand. When times get hard and shit hits the fan, GAWD didn’t walk with you he carried you man.

Stay Off the Crack 105.50 vs Green eggs and SAM 115.90

In ancient Greece, Sisyphus was a prideful King with the 7^th pick in his Kingdom. His punishment for disobeying Da GAWD was to roll a boulder up the top of hill only for it to roll back to the bottom as it nears the top. That punishment is a lesson in futile efforts. This second week should’ve taught Trav that no matter what choices were made, he was doomed to lose for keeping Melvin from DA GAWD. Like Moses told Ramses, it was only gonna get worse.  Now he’s out here selling himself on the corner for WR3’s and RB3/Flex’s. He even left pts on the bench that could’ve saved his Sunday. Now that you’ve passed the curse to Quis, I will only doom you with an 11^th seed finish.

After starting the week down 1 pt (with his opponent yet to play ANYONE), the Green Dream clawed his way to a pathetic win. Still not knowing which Jet to start (which makes no sense when you know what type of team you have), he managed a victory, which isn’t easy in this league unless you’re DA Gawd or play Trav. Thank the strength of your schedule or simple Gawd/me for allowing such a pitiful win to hit the record books. You're in 2nd place with two kickers on your roster, you on borrowed time. Mark my words, you will know my name is DA GAWD when I strike vengeance upon thee for the playoff exit of 2017.

ShuTheBucUp 169.80 vs Braille 123.75

Mute Dave managed to shit the bed in a way I haven’t seen in a while. Knowing that his opponent is in love with Fitzmagic, it would only be fitting to start Godwin over Kenny “the Jet” Stills. (Is that his nickname? It is now). Then Gronk managed to crumble into a symbol that came to be known as “The Blocker formerly known as Gronk”. Meanwhile, bench points kept racking up while pedestrian Lamar Miller checked in with a +50 yds no td performance. I could go on, but we know he doesn’t know this blog even exists.

Hector, I respect the way you dodged this week’s plagues. Sitting Rodgers, having Big Ben ready to fire up and then leaving Fournette in, you really had something to prove this week after DA GAWD shutdown your win last week. Maybe that Fitzmagic is rubbing off on you. Or maybe I want to see you get close to a playoff berth in Week 13 only to be let down with a colossal Gawd Plague. Congrats on your win and we’ll see if you know when/where to start Amari Cooper in the future.

For Whom the Bell Tolls 112.65 vs Beard in the North 127.10

Shorty….WTF is going on with your squad. You now have 2, dos, 1+1, WRs that don’t even have contracts in the NFL. THEY HAVE NO POTENTIAL TO EARN YOU POINTS! The other WRs you do have are former color commentator Brandon Marshall, 85% (is it 65% now?) Doug Baldwin, Michael “3rd Option” Crabtree and Quincy Enunwa. If the alarm ain’t go off yet, you need to quit hittin snooze. I didn’t set a plague to you and your Kicker out here getting hurt during WARM UPS!!! Wait.....you DID cross Da GAWD. By introducing this "pick your pick" non-sense, Travis had no clue what to do with his ferrari of an 8th pick and now we're here. This is on you.

Beard, this is the second week you’ve failed to reach 130 pts. It seems you and Josh Gordon are in the same “can’t get right” crew. It hasn’t alarmed you yet that after AJ Green you have no blockbuster players? It doesn’t seem just a bit unsettling that you’re starting players that have absolutely no value? Maybe you came to realization early on that a repeat isn’t in your future. That doesn’t mean you don’t try. Sure, you’re 2^nd overall pick probably won’t be back til Week 10 and Larry Fitzgerald will probably quit during Week 3’s halftime. But that don’t mean you quit!

Everybody is Somebody 129.90 vs G.A.W.D. AKA THE BEING, AKA A$AP TOUCHDOWNS 206.30

I’m not even gonna insult you this week Jesus. You didn’t deserve the mighty hurricane that was Da GAWD’s team. You ain’t deserve to watch helplessly as TD after TD rained from the heavens of Mahomes mighty arm. You shouldn’t have to deal with the fleeting hope that Stephon Diggs would put up 50 pts and the rest of the DA GAWDs team would commit 10 fumbles in a single game. You shouldn’t have to pray that the Almighty would stop allowing a KICKER to put up more points than most of the players on Trav’s team. NO ONE, deserves that type of beating.

YOU ARE ALL A WITNESS TO THE AWESOME POWERS OF DA GAWD OF FANTASY FOOTBALL. First DA GAWD tries to offer each of your wretched teams the 10+ targets a week Nelson Agholor. Then, in a galaxy far away, calls for the Ajayi TD that puts him over the top AS ITS HAPPENING AND HE’S NOT EVEN NEAR A TV. You are all witnessing Negrodamus at his finest hour. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE? Da GAWD on some shit that they ain't seen before, dream chasin' and catchin' all his goals.

#Amen

GAWD's Plan

Welcome back to the tournament that separates the pit-bulls from the poodles, the pasta from noodles, and the puffs from the doodles. Week 1 is in the books and its looks like the more things change, the more they stay the same. Draft strategies get swapped for prayers to me when its crunch time and Da GAWD still delivers to the faithful. Let’s recap your pathetic excuses at chasing the chip this week and focus on your failures.

Weird In The North 122.20 vs Green eggs and SAM 128.15

From the top of Olympus, Da GAWD couldn't tell if this matchup was close or if both you and Ed are simply trash. Since the reigning champ lost, I came to the conclusion that this was just two shitty teams fighting over a rotisserie rat from a dumpster fire. If you thought Rashad Penny was a viable replacement for Le’Veon Bell, then we’re gonna ban you from showing up to drafts with that bear piss you fermented in a bathtub and poured in your invitro fertilization sperm carrying thermos. I bet you read that with pride instead of shame which proves you’re not even built to repeat for the chip. Get to that waiver wire or start offering a good price to Gordon, cause Bell won’t be back anytime soon and you’ve got no other RB besides him.

Ed, congratulations to you and your Jets on a week 1 win. But how much of a fan are you really? You showed up to the draft coordinating your kicks, socks, shorts, (probably underwear too) and DIDN’T start Isiah Crowell over Derrick Henry. Was your faith so shaky that Chris Carson was going to be an o-line AND RB on the same plays? A win is a win, so I’m not gonna knock it, I just wanna see if you really bleeding green or if you yellow inside.

SuperWack 128.90 vs This Team Iz America 166.45

All week, Hector pumped you up about keeping Melvin Gordon from DA GAWD. Then Devonta came out the game. Then Delanie hit IR. Do you understand why they call me DA GAWD or are you still too tough dumb to realize you can't win with Melvin Gordon on your squad??? You need to slide into Delanie Walker’s DMs RIGHT NOW and explain that its YOUR fault he’s out for the season. When Mike Wallace heard that DA GAWD was collecting helmets, he didn’t even ATTEMPT to catch a pass on Thursday. So how much longer you want this to go on? Chris Hogan is in my sights and I AIN’T GON’ MISS. Kelce and Murray for Gordon by Wednesday or the new Wes Welker gettin’ sacrificed.

Gordon, I don’t know how you let them settle on calling you a song, but I guess you embraced it. You also embraced the new Le’veon Bell into 34 points so I guess my opinion don’t matter. You even managed to grab a TE that scored double digits after ending your DRAFT without a single one. This unorthodox behavior got me wondering what other tricks you got up your sleeve. But I don’t believe you can go the distance. Since Gordon won’t win the chip this year, I advise everyone check out his comedy album so he can make his entry fee back. (available on Itunes and Google Play)

L’Assualted 152.55 vs Saquon my Balls 180.45

This is Da GAWD’s third year in this galaxy and he's discovered why Quis hasn’t won in 10+yrs. Your team names are either shitty or got something to do with players you ain’t got. You could put together a proper roster but if your squad don’t feel comfortable representing with the name on their backs, they ain’t gonna come to play. Actually, your squad came to play. Its just that bad luck cloud hovering over you. You’ll get em next week slugger…..as soon as you stop believing in that “Jamaal Williams workload”. Then again, you could just trade me Jay Ajayi.

Juan, this might be a new year for you. You might have broke the commish curse by breaking bread in your own crib. By establishing Bluetooth enabled, integrated charger recliners and Portugese beers that give GAWDz headaches, you created an environment for winning in your own home. Your family should be proud this week. You even had AP ballin on the bench. I got no disses for you….this week. Enjoy Week 1 cause you’ll inevitably question yourself and sit the wrong person. Nah I got one. This recap is was created to give you a false sense of satisfaction in your squad. Your squad will still be trash in playoffs, but keep hope alive because reality will scare you.

BigBlkPipeSlayr 115.20 vs Mute Dave 143.70

Normally, I’d diss your team name but I don’t even know what to do with it. I don't know if you slay black pipes by making them soft, OR YOU JUST HAVE A TERRIBLE UNRELATED FOOTBALL NAME. Bruh, you can’t be a disciple of the GAWD and show up with the lowest points of the week AND have a wack team name. PICK A STRUGGLE!!! You had the number 1 pick in the draft and started getting cute picking up Oldy Nelson while Randall Cobb just balled out. YOU’RE REDUCED TO STARTING TWO TE’S WHEN WE GOT 400 FLEX SPOTS!! HOW IS YOUR BENCH FULL OF BENCH PLAYERS!?!?! Your squad already look like it can't handle bye weeks!  I’m convinced that 2016 win was a fluke. Between not knowing David Johnson and winning the chip by having Witten throw to Dez, I KNOW you went full retard that season.

First off, Mute Dave should be his team name. Sure, Da GAWD appreciates the 41-33 shoutout, but Mute Dave is better. Mute Dave punches a clock, does his job, goes home, and nobody knows he quietly had a solid day. Like the machine he was, he stuck to the plan and survived a 4 INT day from Matthew Stafford. To my disbelief, that was still better than PipeEater’s Deshaun Watson start. If you keep this up Mute Dave you might get a voice. Until then, keep being Gerald’s imaginary co-worker.

The Blasphemer 119.30 vs Hey Zeus 122.35

How much more will it take? How many more miracles and feats does DA GAWD need to perform in order for you to back down and repent? You’re already starting to lead newbies astray so I had to correct you. In verse 10 chapter 1, DA GAWD said, “Jared Cook will vulture your hopes” and the people said amen. Then in verse 9 chapter 58, Da GAWD said , “Amari Cooper will give you 4 pts. All in the first half. And then you’ll lose. #amen” and the fingers became crossed. DA GAWD is warning you for the final time, if you don’t start respecting the beliefs, you will be doomed for fantasy eternity. Then again, Da GAWD ain’t gotta do much when you starting Cowboy receivers.

As for Jesus, don’t think you did this on your own playa. This week I imbued you with the GAWDLY powers of Zeus himself. Your win was just a by-product of the GAWD effect. I know you sent up the prayer and had your belief, but this was coming for Hector. While suffering through a Matt Ryan start, you managed to turn things around with your studs. WON’T HE/I DO IT!?!?! But I gotta take it back next week when I play you.

FUCK YOU Bell 151. 85 vs DA GAWD 157.10

Shorty was a feisty one this week. After DA GAWD jumped out to an early lead, Shorty stayed quiet – trying to stay off DA GAWD’s radar. He came out swinging with Alvin Kamara and Brees with the fury of 1000 chihuahuas. But it all ended up being noise. The Baldwin and Olsen plagues of 4pm shut it all back down. Shorty even had some hope in em, but not really. Deep down, he knew Da GAWD was real. I’d also be wary about starting starting Kamara every week since he doesn’t even know how to pronounce his own last name.

Tryna keep it peaceful in this league is a struggle for me. It’s a lot of bad things ya’ll been wishin’ on me. Ya’ll try to take my disciple Melvin Gordon from me. Ya’ll challenge DA GAWD’s abilities and bad things just keep happening to ya’ll. At the end of this season I might go down as DA GAWD to everyone. But its all part of my/GAWD’s Plan.

#AMEN