FINALLY. All the hours spent researching start em sit ems, trade values, and sifting through a depleted waiver wire has gotten us here. THE FIRST WEEK OF THE FANTASY PLAYOFFS. Before I begin recapping the 4 teams that played this week, let's pour out some liquor for our fallen soldiers that couldn't start the correct defense or realize that the Yahoo app had a chat feature. We're all blessed to be in upper echelon of fantasy and we shouldn't take it for granted. Its the end game now. Lets review the results of our first round.
ShuTheBucUp 104.30 vs This Team Iz America 147.20
Hector, you fought real hard to get here. Its no surprise that you lost this game, but you should pat yourself on the back for earning a playoff spot. You went into the first week of the playoffs with a ragtag bunch consisting of Adam Humphries, Bruce (who is he?) Ellington, Curtis 5th option Samuel, and Jordy "Weak in the Knees" Nelson. That lineup is worse than the movie "The Replacements" where people thought Keanu Reeves could be an athlete. You stood tall and took the beating that was due. I hate to get sentimental in a league full of mediocrity, but I think you deserve the speech from Friday Night Lights.
Being great isn't about that scoreboard. Its not about winning. Its about you and your relationship with the girlfriend that distracted you from being a real contender. Being great is about looking her in the eye and KNOW, that you didn't let them down because you told her the truth. The truth is you're bad. There's not one more thing you could've done. You couldn't help Fournette barely playing on a team that collapsed as a defense. Can you live in that moment? With clear eyes and love in your heart. With Aaron Rodgers on your bench most of the season. If you can do that, then you're great. I want you take a moment and look her in the eye, and tell her that you quit fantasy football......forever. I want you to think about Ed, your friend....and that he was happy to take your place as a better fantasy football player.
Gordon, congratulations on advancing to the semi-finals in the playoffs. After everyone lambasted you for trading me Kareem Hunt, it looks like it wouldn't have mattered in the end. You picked a prime spot to lose James Conner considering your opponent bobs for apples in the toilet - and likes it. Your lineup is poised for a monumental matchup next week against Juan and I honestly hope you win. Through all the ups and downs, you've persevered to establish yourself as not a comedian that plays fantasy football - but a true fantasy footballer that happens to tell jokes.
While this wasn't your best output, you should be happy you still have Andrew Luck to guide you to glory and hopefully your RBs come back to form. There will be even larger obstacles for you ahead. Think of this upcoming matchup as that time in 300 when Leonidas and crew were about to get smacked by that group while piling up bodies. Its your second to last battle and you still have hope on your side. Just be wary of hunchbacks that can destroy everything you've worked for while standing up to a GAWD.
Destroyer of Gawds 120.20 vs Green eggs and SAM 187.50
Quis, this week showed us what it would be like if Marvin Lewis coached the Steelers. With all the weapons available to you all season, you have been plagued by injuries, mismanagement, and sheer bad luck. The week you need them most, Melvin Gordon and Odell Beckham abandoned you in the heat of battle. Philip Lindsay decided to do his best Nightcrawler impression and Lesean McCoy acted like he really wanted to play for the Bills. As much as I'm entertained by Shorty during the regular season, your banana peel slips in the playoffs are unmatched. You still hold the record for losing a chip to a guy that starts a TE that threw to the WR to stack points, but this is a whole new level of bad luck. We all know you're better than the results show, but man is it funny to witness.
Take solace in the fact that you won't lose your job as playoff contender and that you'll be right here again next year - when you lose to someone that has to start a 3rd string TE and a 4th string QB.
Ed, I hope you're happy you benefited from DA GAWD's very own blessings. By luck, you had both DHop and Cooper in this galaxy while their triumphs reverberated through the cosmos and blessed you too. I hope you took notice that DA GAWD took the extra effort in starting a great lineup to show you that even at your best, you're still no match for Da GAWD's 232 points. Call it a preview of what's to come.
Regardless, you have managed a fantastic season to this point. While struggling to score points, you got enough wins and had your players show up when it mattered most. As Hector passes the torch of hatred of me from himself to you, realize that with great power comes great responsibility. Don't get crushed from the weight of all the greatness that is expected of you. It will be great and it will be tough. I look forward to our re-match of last year.
#Amen
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