Week 9 has piqued my interest back in the league. While its only 8 people in it, its a VERY competitive 8. The rest of the season is starting to look like the zombie apocalypse. For the 8 teams still alive, they'll have to continue battling with the 4 Walking Dead and avoid losses from them. They are dangerous and have shown that they can take out any one of you if they catch you slippin' in your pimpin' or slackin' in your mackin'. Let's review.
The Butterfly Effect 98.70 vs ShuTheBucUp 114.35
Trav, I won't even describe your terrible team this week because its like saying 'water is wet'. But I want you to think about something. If you had just given me Melvin in the beginning, this season would be completely different for everyone involved. I wouldn't have drafted Julio Jones and Michael Thomas. I wouldn't have tried to trade for Hunt since I would've already had Melvin. Quis wouldn't have trade raped you because you would have had Julio Jones and maybe grabbed Saquon Barkley because you didn't want two Falcons back to back. Ed would be a middle of the road team as we expected. Shorty might be relevant. We might've even had a 10 man league instead of this 8 man stuff. I just thought you should know - in case you wonder what life would be like in an alternate universe.
Congratulations Hector. Your squad of misfit players managed to beat the worst team in the league. Does the idea of winning make you feel good knowing that you can still get wins? Or does it make you feel bad knowing that even if you win out, you are probably the furthest from playoff contention because you can't score 150 pts? At least you don't have to go apple picking and stuff anymore. Now, you can just focus on ice skating in central park after taking a horse carriage ride through the city and smelling the horse shit that's in front of you while it brings you a sense of familiarity with the stench of your team.
Green Eggs and....DAMN 88.15 vs BigBlkPipeSlyr 130?
Ed, the time has finally come. You're horse and carriage turned right back into a pumpkin. I'd like to take this time to point out that I took Fitz so that you'd be left with awful choices like Flacco. It was almost diabolical. What's worse is that your pathetic attempt at 100 pts hurts in the overall scheme of the playoff picture. It'd be a shame if there was a plague on your team where you fall out of the playoffs because you don't have the points to keep you in the running. If you go on a 4 game losing streak those points will matter. You're still up top in 2nd place but things are looking real shaky for you.
Finally my trusted disciple has delivered. While divine intervention from DA GAWD was needed, you managed to get the job done and solidify your place among the chosen few in the playoffs. Your team isn't bad and its not great, but that's exactly why you're right in the middle of the mix. It also explains how it took playing a team with less than 100 pts to get a win. Your schedule won't leave you so lucky as you keep going. Just count the blessings.
Frawds 118.80 vs LightsKamaraAction 162.30
Damn Quis. You were walking through the graveyard of teams thinking Shorty was your average garden snake and he bit you with viper venom. At first I thought you had like 3 people on a bye week when you started Jared Cook AND OJ Howard, but it was only OBJ on a bye. Your team gave up on you like the Raiders gave up on Jon Gruden. Don't let this loss turn into a 2 game slide. You're running into a hungry Jesus next week and he's gunning for that spot. Hope this loss wakes you up and puts you back on the grind. I need you to be in the playoffs so I can take my final revenge on you.
The boys are back in town!! Shorty, congratulations. It took a clash of the titans between the Rams and Saints, but you finally saw 150+ points again from your favorite duet. While there's no way you can make the playoffs, you can definitely start playing spoiler with your refreshed Dalvin Cook and Doug Baldwin. If you're gonna go out, you can go out with style and pride and bring everyone else down with you in a ball of flames. Some heroes don't wear capes. Congrats
Saquon this Loss 110.75 vs No One 116.30
Damn Juan. This is the third time this season your games have come down to Sunday Night or Monday Night and you end up losing by just a few plays. The crazy thing is that you
Jesus, I like the way you're clawing your way back to fantasy relevance. You were out here treading water and trying to hang around long enough to take advantage of the other teams mistakes. You're researching, hustling, doing everything possible to get every advantage you can. If you were a drug dealer, you'd take the seeds out of the weed that people throw away and grow them to make more and sell more. You hustlin' Jesus and I like the fight in you. You're the Rudy of the league for the playoff push now. Congrats on this week's entertaining win.
Mute Dave (I don't care) vs This Team Iz America 200.95
Blah blah blah Mute Dave. Blah blah blah stupid. Blah blah blah loser. You guys fill in the rest. Mute Dave is done.
Gordon, good win last week and this week. I don't know what goat's blood you drank or child sacrifice was made, cause you must've hit a trance-like state to foresee a good game from Nick Vannett. It looks like you and I collectively gained all the points in the league and left everyone else with crumbs. Your team really Iz an example American economic inequality. But let's not forget that Da GAWD proved to be the ultimate being again this week. Think of it like that time Jay-Z released an album on the same day as Nas' album. Your team goes quack quack and my team went quack A FUCKIN' QUACK!! However, a 200 pt game ain't nothin to scoff at so congrats. I'm getting my revenge on you in the playoffs. Enjoy the quest towards the upper echelon of Olympus.
The Chump, Formerly Known As Adam 78.75 vs DA GAWD *Click Here for Score*
Your confetti ain't even heavy, Adam. I beat you like a hidden bastard child that showed up during Thanksgiving unannounced and tried to disrupt a beautiful moment while carving the Turkey. As last year's champ, you have REPEATEDLY failed to reach 100 pts in a points per breathing league. I've never seen someone go 0 to face-plant in record time like you. You're the Fort Knox of Fucks because you've hoarded them all season and haven't given a single one. I hope you avert your eyes and hang your head in shame anytime the trophy crosses your line of sight. This blowout was brought on by your ignorance to the gracious trade I offered you for Bell in Week 5 - when you still had time to turn your season around. What's a trophy if you don't protect it? What's a name if they don't respect it? Naw, your confetti ain't even heavy.
After gaining an hour, DA GAWD had enough rest to prepare his Trifecta for the ultimate spectacle of dominance. DA GAWD was so great, he got Julio Jones his first TD in 90 catches. And it came to pass that Da GAWD said unto First Name, First Name, "Michael Thomas, fuck these niggas up!!" Bottom line, DA GAWD went nuclear to absolutely crush the week with an absurd 240 muthafuckin points. TWO HUNDRED, FORTY MUTHA FUCKIN POINTS. The sun is down. Its gettin cold. That's how we already know.......winter's here. Da GAWD would do it for a championship belt. That's just all he know.......he don't know nothin' else. He tried to show you........... Da GAWD is officially in Sicko Mode.
#Amen
**Reminder**
Week 13 Meetup to watch who's in and out of the playoffs
No comments:
Post a Comment