Who I Smoke (Week 2)

Week 2 is in the books and times are already rough. Waivers are slim pickins and we're still waiting for reliability from players. To put another way, player pedigrees aren't really showing up yet and there's a lot of luck involved. On top of that, NFL games had SEVERAL teams blow leads which led to some surprising surges from rostered players. Lets recap the week, lick the wounds, and keep going. Its a long season. 

Pack of Fentanyl Dipped Loosies 86.25 vs Austin Powers 184.95

Yikes. I know its a bold statement to make this early in the season, but you'll never see over 125 points FOR THE SEASON. Outside of your Cincinatti Kitty Cat trifecta, your roster is STACKED with RB9's and WR8's. I won't even get to the TE part. I promise I'm not exaggerating when I say your team is in danger. When Burrow, Mixon and Chase get back to work, they'll get you 80-90 points. After that, you playing scratch offs and bumming for change outside the corner store. To put this all in perspective, OJ Howard scored more points than your TE and Defense combined; and he had one catch for 7 yards. Its gonna be a LONG season. 

Highest point total of the week beating while down lowest point total of the week. You damn near lapped his production by almost 100 points and made it look easy. You gotta be feeling yourself so far Shorty. When was the last time you started 2-0 with such conviction?? Winning with an optimal lineup is the type of confidence booster that'll have you relaxed walking into Week 3. The only sad part is that the Steeler couldn't beat the Patriots. You can't win em all. Get some rest this week, because you're playing for the defacto number 1 spot. 

2 Kickers No Kupp? 98.15 vs Belgrave Bullies 158.20

Guess Josh Allen and Justin Jefferson couldn't save the day in this matchup. Adam, you generally did everything right, but those bench balling tendencies seem to have flared up this week. I've been struggling to figure out the Rashaad Penny start though. I personally hate him as an RB but I didn't understand why he was started over Damien Harris. Sure the Seahawks just won and the Patriots look bad, but Rashaad Penny has had EVERY Chris Carson injury to show that he can take on the job and its never worked. No need to panic yet though, season's still early and Jefferson's got something to prove next week. 

Its week 2 and Ian is in first place, among other places like Turks and Caicos or Cabo, or anywhere on this planet. Last year, you picked Michael Thomas in the 5th round and he never played a snap. With cajones of steel, you picked him again and he's rewarded you handsomely, despite receiving from Jameis Winston. Better than that, you had a nuclear game from Waddle to easily secure this victory. Congrats on the win.

QuisPox 128.60 vs Lamar Morghulis 159.60

Boy oh boy. Starting the season 0-2 huh? I've been there before champ. Feeling on top of the world going into the draft and then BAM, all the people you've plagued and smack talked getting there revenge. Its strange times when your highest scorer on your team is Curtis Samuel and your team has names like Tom Brady, CMC, and Mike Evans. You had already given up on the day by 3pm, but like Mike Evans himself intimated, "what else were you supposed to do?" This season you're gonna get your walk of shame by losing to each of your opponents in ridiculous fashion. Its the price of 3peating. 

Congrats on the win Jesus. After three long years of repeatedly shipping/dropping off cookies for the champ, you exacted revenge on him. The nightmare of wondering about Boone should finally be over. Lamar singlehandedly (leggedly?) had Quis doing laundry by 3pm and making sure gas was in his car by 6pm. Take glory in this sort of victory. You can't have too many days of Devante Adams putting up KJ Osborn numbers. Especially when you broke the bank to get Darnell Mooney. 

Juanthen Taylor 132.25 vs This Team Iz Kangz 171.40

I really feel for you this week Juan. Matt Ryan is solely responsible for the poor fantasy production from the entire Colts team. The fact that Hines and Dillon BOTH outscored Taylor is a travesty. Just feel better knowing that this loss could've been MUCH worse if Hurts didn't have such a productive Monday Night. Maybe Tonyan will come through and save the day with Schultz out or (and this is a big or) maybe Matt Ryan will just hand the ball off to oblivion to save his career. Unfortunately, we both know Jonathan Taylor is setup for a bunch of negative game scripts for the foreseeable future. Good luck. 

Look who's sittin in 7th place with two players that managed to score 40 points this week. A literal Sun-Gawd and a Cheetah. You were really humble this week considering all the shit you been taking for years after making the playoffs your first year. I blame the fact that you're trying to monitor 15 leagues, but a win's a win. If you keep this up, you and Curtis Samuel might have the same type of season. Even though the Colts lost, did you feel that Jonathan Taylor resisted going off because he knew you needed this win? Or did you sacrifice a loss in another league to gain in this one? Good win either way. If you keep this up, you'll be talkin' hella shit to Quis by Week 10. 

My Bitches be Chubby 130.60 vs Team DQ 158.55

Despite an amazing 3 TD game from your team name sake, you came up short in this one. You might have to get used to the fact Derrick Henry won't be producing until late in the season because there's just no counter balanced passing game. I'm also surprised you fell for the "Taysom Hill gonna get another one next week" trick that's kept him as a QB, TE for 3 years straight. Maybe by year 5 he gets the Patterson treatment and becomes a real player, but for now, throw Pinnochio back in the waiver heap. Your team has enough talent to make a playoff run so need to panic. Just do better. 

Another strong start to the season for 2nd year league contender DQ. By halftime in the Arizona game, I was tempted to talk shit and really question Kyler without Dhop. But somehow the Raiders managed to blow a lead and let Murray get extra time to produce. Cooper Kupp is going to continue giving 20+ points a week, but don't count on a defense giving you close to 30 ever again. And don't get comfy with this type of early start. You might have a thing for having stellar players getting hurt midway through the season and dashing an otherwise great playoff run. Solid win this week. 

Gawd 110.85 vs Blankman and Friends 128.65

This is the second week in a row, where my point projection starts high in the 160's on Thursday and by Monday night, I barely crawl over 100 points. Should I have went with my gut and started Wentz when I picked him up? Should I have remembered that Kirk Cousins is a fucking disaster on nationally televised games? Should I have drafted Diggs instead of Ceedee Lamb and ultimately altered the draft and been sitting at 2-0. Well obviously those are all yes questions. But the real question I had to ask was who I am, and that's Da Gawd. No more losing here on out. 

Trav, congrats on a very mediocre win. I wouldn't even say you won, but more that I beat myself. As my projections plummeted, I awoke on Monday morning to Aaron Jones putting up points like his old days. Right then I knew I lost and that was before Gabe Davis was ruled out. I don't know if you'll keep this winning streak alive in Houston, but I'm sure you'll tell us you're in Houston until the end of the season. Congrats.

Gawd Didn't (Week 1)

 
Welcome back to another year of the league. Looking back at my last recap during my mythical performance, I foreshadowed the life we're living in today by playing the clip from "Groundhog Day". We've been living through Quis' Inferno because no one has defeated him in the chip yet. I thought, we'd band together and take back Middle Earth from Sauron's Quis' rule by now, but at least week 1 showed a glimmer of hope. Let's recap and see how the first battle went. 

This Team Iz Pangs vs Lamar Morghulis
Is this what you waited all off season to do? First, you drafted like Ciara. You went from dating rappers and drafting all RBs, to getting marrying choir boys and drafting all wide receivers. I get it, your heart was broken. You following the 3 month rule. You're reading "Think like a lady, Act like a Fan". Your team was a true laughing stock on Thursday night and you blessed us with an encore performance on Sunday. The fact that you didn't know you started James Cook and that he proceeded to fumble on his very first play couldn't have been written by comedy greats. Your failures are truly a natural gift. Despite all this, you scored more points than me.......Good luck next week.

Look who came out bullying the mentally disabled remotely. You set the crockpot of a team you had and let the L's simmer for him until you got back from your baseball game. I'm honestly jealous that you got such good production and barely watched a snap. It even looks like you resurrected Saquon's career. Good win week 1 despite the Jets being the Jets. 

My bitches be chubby vs Juanathen Taylor

You win some, you lose some. Stafford gonna need some depends the way he shit the bed on Thursday, but hopefully that's just an outlier and not a plan for the future. I mean, I still think his elbow ends his season by Week 8, but that's plenty of time to get another QB. And while you had a case of the Henry's this week, I think only one will have weekly diarrhea. On the bright side, Antonio Gibson got a stranglehold on his position as long as he don't fumble. Come back ready next week. 

First off, amazing team name. Even better image for the team as well. The only thing better would be a picture of the "real" Juanathan next to Jonathan. You rounded off this victory handspring with a solid performance from your team as well. Not much else can be said but great job. Just know who's really pulling the strings when you look in the mirror. 

QuisPox vs Austin Powers

Well this is a nice surprise. The three time reigning champ losing in Week 1. The commander of chaos lost to someone he's repeatedly beaten down in the chat. I don't know about you, but that Teflon vest you been wearing might need a replacement. Mitchell out for a few months and Keenan Allen might finally go away. I'm sure your confidence won't allow you to believe it, but this might be the time to start planning your end of days and spend a lot of time with the trophy. Each week, I'll recommend a "date night" before the end. This week, just look at a sunset out the window while you cradle the trophy. 

Gordon probably looked at this matchup with tears in his eyes and hate in his heart. After weeks of consistent belittling, you managed to get (what I think) is your first week 1 victory in years. Solid performances from Russ, Kirk and Diggs should keep you winning for a while. Take pride in this win. You're on a journey like those Hobbits but instead of big ass feet you got black forces. 

Pack of Bengals vs 2 Kickers no Kupp?

Eddie, this must have been a nightmare since Thursday night started. Cam Akers started a game and go 0 love. You watched Henderson take carry after carry and kept wondering "Does McVay know he's on the sidelines?". To make matters worse, the Bengal stack you have need a full 5 Qtrs to put together that performance. Now that stack may get you 80 pts most weeks, but the rest of this team gonna need some milk. 

How does it feel to go from the bottom to the top Adam? Movin' on up from the bottom of last year's standings thanks to the Jefferson. This was a strong win out the gate and should give you a nice sunny outlook as you compete for the chip. This type of win should take the edge off that Jets affliction you have.

BlankedOut & Friends vs Team DQ

I've had a hard time describing to people how funny it is that I mentioned Curtis Samuel, you pick him up, drop him when you come to your senses, and then gets 21 points week 1. That's funny. What's sad is that you have a decent team and ran into a better one. You didn't make any bad starts so don't beat yourself up. It's week 1 and there's time to recover. 

DQ, you got a strong win and you might be the only GM in the league without a hurt player through Week 1. You even left some points on the bench. But what did it cost you? Were you happy to watch as your defense proceeded to beat the dogshit out of your beloved team? With that sacrifice, you better win the chip. 

Quisbusters vs Belgrave Bullies

Well this was a surprising beat down. By halftime on Sunday, I was projected to still beat you. Michael Thomas was doing nothing. DJ Chark had no targets. Waddle was watching Hill get doubled. Then a flurry of production came through and it ruined my night. To make matters worse, I watched in horror as Dak mouthed "it's broke" and my Dak Attack Stack crumbled like the house of cards it was. Congratulations on beating me and leaving me in 12th place to right congratulatory recaps for everyone but myself. What are friends for.